哈佛学习障碍协会 Harvard Learning Challenged Association
受到这门课的启发 我们将举行一个论坛 And we are hosting a forum inspired by this class
名叫学习缺陷 entitled Learning Disabilities
学习障碍和积极心理学 Learning Challenges and Positive Psychology
很多校内学生都有学习缺陷 A lot of students on campus are registered with learning disabilities
有些甚至有学习障碍 and even more have learning challenges
包括学习困难和长期拖延症 which can include a difficulty studying or chronic procrastination
而且 很多学习障碍 Also, a lot of learning disabilities
都与抑郁症高发率和低自尊有关 are associated with higher rates of depression and low self-esteem
所以在这个论坛上 我们会问 So in this forum, we hope to ask questions like
"如何积极看待学习障碍?" "How can we think positively about learning disabilities?"
"我们如何用积极心理学 And "How can we use positive psychology
进一步探索这片研究领域?" to further explore this field of studying?"
欢迎大家参加 不管是你有学习障碍 All are welcome, whether you have learning challenge
还是你的朋友 or your friend does
或者你最近遇到学习困难 or you just have a tough time studying
或者你只是感兴趣 or you are just interested
都请来参加 Please come and join us
时间很方便 It's convenient time
一周后 星期二11点半 one week from now, Tuesday 11:30
地点是Adams宿舍音乐院 at the Adams House Conservatory
就在入口和Adams宿舍的食堂中间 which is between the entrance and the dining hall of Adams House
记住在日程表上标出来了 So mark your calendars
这会是一次很愉快的讨论 希望到时能见到大家 It should a good discussion. We hope we'll see you there
非常谢谢 Thank you so much
我叫Holly My name is Holly
我是校内一个协会的主席 And I'm the president of an organization on campus
这个协会叫哈佛大学领导才能协会 called the Leadership Institute at Harvard College
David和我想简单跟大家介绍一下我们的协会 And David and I want to just quickly mention what the club does
我们的一位创立人就是你们的助教John Deutch One of our founders actually is one of your TFs-John Deutch
他几年前开始成立这个协会 over here helped get the group started a few years back
简单来说 我们的协会组织各种活动 So very briefly what the club has-forming programs
旨在提高校内学生的领导能力 all aimed up promoting leadership on campus
我们有一个发展活动 在这个活动里 我们会请人 We have a development program where we bring in speakers
在研讨会和互动会上演讲 to work on workshops and interactive seminars
教会我们真正有用的技巧 that help all of us on really useful skills
例如主持会议 谈判 公众演讲 like running a meeting and negotiation and public speaking
这些活动对所有本科生免费开放 They are all free and open to all undergraduates
我们还会举行午餐会和论坛 让学生主席 We also enable collaboration between student presidents
总编辑 chief editors
校园队长进行合作 captains on campus through luncheons and discussion forums
我们还有一个拓展计划训练哈佛本科生 We have an outreach program where we train Harvard undergraduates
当领导才能课程的讲师 as instructors for leadership curriculum
我们有一个长达一年的活动 每周六举行 And we run a one year program on Saturdays
是和我们这里的Cambridge中学生一起参加的 with middle school students here at Cambridge
最后 我们正在成立一份专注于领导才能的杂志 And lastly, we are starting a student leadership focused magazine
在将来不久就会发行 that will be distributed in the future
大家好 我叫David Tebaldi Hey guys, My name is David Tebaldi
我是领导才能协会发展领导才能活动的 I'm the leadership development initiative director
首要负责人 at the Leadership Institute
我来为大家简单介绍一下 I'm here to give you a little bit of idea
我们秋季会有什么活动 of what's in store for the fall
首先我们会举行主席论坛 First of all we have the Presidents Forum
这是一个聚集全校 which is a banquet that brings together the students all across the
学生领导的宴会 students leaders from all across the campus
他们会分享他们 to discuss their own experiences
对领导才能以及相关挑战的经验 with leadership and challenges related to that
然后我们会出版我们第一份杂志 非常激动人心 Afterwards we had a very first magazine coming out which is pretty exciting
里面会有很多文章关于以前 It'll have a lot of articles about leaders that we
主持过活动的领导 hosted the past events
以及他们在领导才能这方面的经验 and their own experience with leadership
我们接下来还会有很多活动 正如Holly刚才提到 We have a lot of other events following that as Holly mentioned before
我们会有关于谈判和公众演讲的活动 with negotiations and a lot of public speaking events are in store
如果你们想了解更多 If you'd like to know more
请搜索哈佛大学领导才能协会 you can just google leadership institute at Harvard college
大家就能找到我们的网页 and you should be able to find our website
谢谢你们 Thank you for your time
希望在下一年的活动上能看到大家 And I hope to see you at some of our events next year
我们今天早上和班上的助教吃了早餐 So we had a breakfast this morning with the teaching staff of this class
这是我们最后一次的早餐聚餐 It was our final breakfast get-together
我有点伤心 And I'm a little bit sad
希望上完这节课后我能开心一点 So hopefully I'll be happier by the end of the class
今天我们会讲完自尊 Today we'll finish up on self-esteem
下节课是我们最后一次上课 and the next time is the last time we meet
至少是这个学期 for this semester at least
我会总结一下我们讲过的内容 And I'll summarize what we have done
我们讲过的 where we have been
和我们将要讲的内容 and all the places that we will go
先回顾一下我们讲过的 Just a recap on what we did
就在幻灯片上 which is on the slide now
有很多研究 There's been a lot of research
有很多观点都说了自尊有多重要 a lot of talk of how important self-esteem is
自尊确实很重要 and it is important
有研究表明它与我们的健康 There's research suggesting that it's connected to our well being
成功有关 低自尊通常与犯罪 to our success that is inversely related to crime
药物滥用 substance abuse
心情低落 焦虑 抑郁有关 unhappiness, anxiety, depression
所以自尊很重要 这我们知道 So self-esteem is important - we know that
但是在自尊这个课题里 也不是天下太平的 However, not all was well in self-esteem land
我们上节课讲过了 as we discussed last time
问题之一就是自相矛盾的证据 Part of the problem is that there is contradictory evidence
一方面 On the one hand
高自尊的人通常都仁慈 慷慨和富有同情心 self-esteem is associated with benevolence and generosity and empathy
但另一方面 on the other hand
高自尊的人又会表现出敌意 high self-esteem has been shown to be associated with hostility
缺乏合作精神 有抵触情绪 lack of cooperation, defensiveness
另一个问题就是人们误解 There's also misunderstanding about or
自尊对表现的影响 about how self-esteem affects performance
对幸福的影响 how it affects happiness
以及当中的原因 and where that comes from
自尊的矛盾 The paradox of self-esteem
有时候我们觉得自己表现得很优秀 Sometimes we feel like we are doing so well
受到很多赞扬 we are getting so many accolades
但自尊上升后 很快又回落到基本水平 our self-esteem increases only to go back to its base level
甚至更糟 only worse
因为我们要尽更大努力 because now we have to do even more
才能让自尊回到基本水平 to come back to our base level of self-esteem
我们要得到更多的赞扬 have to get more accolades
取得更多的成就 more achievements
做什么都不够了 Nothing is enough anymore
所以有证明表明自尊的来源 So there are these contradictory evidence
以及它的后果 where self-esteem comes from
存在矛盾 and its consequences
解释这些矛盾的方法之一就是借鉴别人的研究 And one of the ways to explain it is by drawing on the work
例如Maslow of people like Maslow
Nathaniel Branden people like Nathaniel Branden
或者Carl Rogers, Rollo May Lovinger people like Carl Rogers, Rollo May. Lovinger
看看我们能怎么分解自尊的基本构成 to see how we can perhaps break down self-esteem into its components
这就是我的论文的内容 that's what my dissertation did
也是我上节课跟大家讲的内容 this is what I presented to you in the previous class
基本上就是讲了自尊这个领域里的研究人员的观点 basically take the ideas of the select field researchers
那些思考这个问题的人 who had been thinking about it
例如马路对面的教育学院的Robert Kegan people like Robert Kegan across the road from the Ed school
他研究自尊的角度更倾向于发展心理学 thinking about self-esteem more developmentally
我给大家介绍了那个渐成模型 渐成 And I presented the epigenetic model – epigenetic
再说一次 它的意思就是必须实现了一层 once again, meaning that one level has to be fulfilled
或者至少部分实现了一层 才能去到下一层 or at least partly fulfilled before we can go the next level
这三层分别是依赖型自尊 And the three levels are dependent self-esteem
独立型自尊 independent self-esteem
和无条件型自尊 and unconditional self-esteem
依赖型自尊 它有两个构成部分 Dependent self-esteem - the two components of it
首先 first of all
有高度依赖性自尊的人时刻需要他人的赞扬 person with high dependence needs the accolades of others constantly
不管是选择职业 还是决定下午做什么这样的小事 chooses whether it's a career path or what to do this afternoon
都是根据他人的认同来做决定的 based on how much approval that will gain him or her
有依赖型自尊的人 Person with dependent self-esteem
在能力感方面 when it comes to competence
总是拿自己跟别人比较 always compares him or herself to others
我比他们好还是差? 比他们优秀还是不如他们? Am I better or am I worse? Superior or inferior?
独立型自尊是一种取决于自我的自尊 Independent self-esteem is self-esteem that's contingent on the self
这样的人在评价自己时 in terms of how I evaluate myself
用的是自己的意见 that's my internal voice that's speaking
他们的能力感取决于 In terms of how my levels of competence are determined
自己认为自己进步了多少 it depends on how much I have improved
改善了多少 how much better I've got
觉得自己的潜力发挥了多少 how much I feel that I have fulfilled my potential
这就是独立型自尊 That's independent self-esteem
并不取决于他人的言论或想法 not contingent on what other people say or think
无条件型自尊是最高层次的自尊 Unconditional self-esteem is the highest level
也就是Maslow所说的"自我实现" the level that Maslow would talk about - "the self-actualization"
David Schnarch所说的"分化良好型" what David Schnarch talks about as "differentiated"
想被了解 而不是被认可 or at the level of being known rather than desiring to be validated
无条件型自尊是指我们的自尊高到 Unconditional self-esteem is when our self-esteem is high enough
让我们对自己感觉很好 we feel good enough about ourselves
所以我们并不在乎别人怎么看自己 not to be concerned with evaluations with others
甚至不在乎自己怎么看自己 or even with self evaluations
在比较方面 In terms of comparison
我们不会比较 我们是相互依存的 we don't compare; we are inter-dependent
相互联系的 connected to others
我上节课举的一个例子是写书 So the example that I gave last time is of a book
假设我出版一本书 我是一个高度依赖型自尊的人 Let's say I publish a book and I have high dependent self-esteem
首先 我写这本书 First of all, I write it
我出版这本书 是为了得到赞扬 I publish it so that I can get accolades
我的首要动机是获得外界认同 My primary motivation is external approval
我的首要动机是想出版一本 My primary motivation is wanting to bring out a book
比别人的书都好的书 that will be better than the other books out there
相比较而获得的能力感 以及取决于外界 so relative competence as well as externally other-determined
又假设我写了一本书 So if I bring in a book and write a book
我是一个高度独立型自尊的人 and I have high independent self-esteem
我写了书 我自己评价 I write it and I evaluate it myself
"这是一本好书"或者"这本书不怎么样 "this is good work, " or "this is not so good
需要修改" needs improvement
在比较方面 In terms of comparison
我跟自己比较 "我比起刚开始写时进步了很多 I compare to myself - "I've improved a lot since I started writing
这本书比我之前一本要好 This book is actually better than my previous book
我的书写得更真实了" My work has become more authentic, more real. "
这是独立型自尊的评价 That's independent self-esteem evaluation
无条件型自尊 Unconditional self-esteem
是我们所知的最高层次自尊 the highest level that we know of:
我写了一本书 我不在乎评价 I write a book and I'm not concerned about evaluation
不管它是好是坏 我当然想变得越来越好 whether it's good or bad - of course I want to be better and better
但这并不影响我对自己的感觉 but that doesn't affect how I feel about myself
我就是我 I simply exist
我写了这本书 我处于心流状态 I write the book; I'm in a state of flow
我体验这种经历 experiencing the experience
至于这本书是不是比别人的好 In terms of whether it's better than others
或者比我以前写的好 or better than I've written
这都不重要 it doesn't matter
我高兴的是 What I'm happy about
我写成了一本书 what makes me happy is bringing a good book into existence
如果别人也写了一本书 And I would be as happy
我也会同样替他感到高兴 if someone else wrote the book
别人写了一本更好的书 我会同样高兴 甚至更高兴 I'd be as happy or happier that someone else wrote a better book
这本书更能帮助到人 that can help others more
这个模型有很重要的一点是需要明白的 Important thing to understand about this model
我们从很小的年纪开始就有这三层自尊 the three levels is that we all have all three basically from a very young age
并非只有达赖喇嘛或特蕾沙修女 It's not that the Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa
曼德拉或者玛格丽特米德 or Nelson Mandela or Margaret Mead
这样的名人 that people who we know have been
才是自我实现的人 are self-actualized
他们并不是不在乎别人的看法 it's not that they don't care about what other people say
但他们 However, they are mostly
大部分时候 most of their lives, most of the time
都是自己决定的 做自己相信的事 self-determined - do what they believe in
和他人相互联系 feel a sense of connection to others
想让世界变得更美好 want to make the world a better place
但他们并非不在乎 But it's not that they don't care
并非他们评价自己时不会跟自己比较 it's not that they don't evaluate themselves relative to themselves
也不会跟他人比较 or relative to others
这是人的天性 That's part of human nature
我犯过一个错误 当我开始这个研究时 My error, when I started with this research
我跟自己说 was that I said to myself
"好的 我想有独立型自尊" "OK,I just want to have independent
当后来我明白无条件型自尊是什么时 and later when I understood what unconditional self-esteem
我说"我想有无条件型自尊" I said, "Wel, I want to have unconditional self-esteem."
我把这两种自尊列为好的 And I situated those two on the good side
把依赖型自尊列为坏的 and dependent self-esteem, bad
结果呢? And what then happened?
只加剧了我对他人的依赖 It only intensified my dependency on others
因为当我们有违天性时 Because when we fight nature
天性就会跟我们作对 我们赢不了 nature fights back and we can't win
就像第二节课一样 You know, it's like going back to the second class
如果我跟自己说 If I say to myself
"Tal 别紧张 别紧张 别心急" "Tal, don't be nervou, Don't be nervo, Don't be anxiou."
结果呢? 我看到粉红色大象出来了 What happens? The pink elephants begin to come out
我变得更焦虑更紧张了 And I become even more anxious and more nervous
但当我接受这种天性时 whereas I accept it is part of my nature
放任它 不强求自己 Let it be – permission to be human
它就顿时威力大减 It loses a lot of its vitality and force and control
因为我可以说 Cause I can say
"好的 这个人不喜欢我的书 我无所谓 "OK. Yes, I care that this person didn't like my book
不喜欢我的课 无所谓" didn't like my class
我接受它 这是天性 我会伤心 And I accepted it, It's nature, It hurts me
我当然想他们都喜欢 I would much rather that they all like it
但转念一想 我就想通了 But I can move on then, and said
"我要怎样做才能活出自我? "OK,what would the most authentic life that I can lead?
我作为一个老师要怎样才能被了解 How can I the teacher who is known as opposed
而不是整天想着得到别人的认同?" to constantly concerned about validation?"
积极接受 回顾一下 Active acceptance. Revisited
接受我的天性 然后决定 Accepting my nature and then deciding
最合适的做法是什么 what would the most appropriate action to take
我的榜样之一是Warren Bennis One of the, my role models is Warren Bennis
Warren Bennis在领导才能这个领域 Warren Bennis has done a lot of research and a lot of speaking
做过很多研究 演讲和工作 and a lot of work in the area of leadership
他先在南加州大学教旁听课 He teaches audit in University of Southern California
后来才来哈佛和麻省理工 was before he was at Harvard and MIT
他来哈佛商学院教了三年 And he came to Harvard Business School for three years
第一年 作为一个客座教授 and the first year - as a visiting professor
第一年我上了他的班 The first year I took his class
一次非常特别的经历 which was an extraordinary experience
第二年他教那个班时 The second year when he taught it
我当了他的助教 I was his teaching assistant
我经常和他一起工作 互动 And I used to work a lot with him and interact with him
我经常为Warren折服 and was constantly amazed by Warren
Warren当时80岁 他现在83岁了 Warren, at the time was 80 years old - now he's 83
他走进教室时 整间教室都亮了起来 would walk into the room and the room would light up
他的微笑 姿势 直率 It was his smile, his posture, his openness
他丰富的表达 his expressiveness
都是为了和同学发生互动 was there about his interacting with people
他的一举一动让其他人 and making the other person just by being there
对自己感觉更好了 feel better about themselves
他自信坚强 And he was confident and strong
我把这样的人视为自我实现的人 and what I would classify as self-actualized as a person
他有很高的无条件自尊 with very high unconditional self-esteem
我们走得很近 他在很多方面都给了我帮助 And we became very close and he helped me in many areas
最大的帮助就是他活出自我 我观察他 most of all just by being himself - me observing him
学习他 吸收他给这个世界带来的东西 learning from him, assimilating what he had to give the world
吸收他每天给数百万读他的书的人 and what he was giving day in and day out
听他演讲的人 to thousands and millions of people who have read his books
和他有过接触的人 who have been to his lectures
所带来的知识 who've had the privilege of interacting with him
几年后 有一天 And one day after a couple of years
我是他的助教 I was his TA
我们关系很亲近 and we were close
我跟他说 I said to him
"Warren 你是怎么变成现在这样的?" "Warren, how is it that you are like this?"
你是怎么变成现在这样的? How is it that you are like this?
他的回应时 把手放在我肩膀 And his response was put his hand on my shoulder
看着我 带着一个平静 looked at me with his calm
接受 慷慨的微笑 说 accepting, giving smile, and said
"Tal 我不是一出生就这样的" "Tal. I wasn't always like this"
他就只说了这一句 And that's where he left it
这就是我需要听到的答案 And this is what I needed to hear
因为在他的回答里 Because in his response
有很多重要的信息 where two very important - many more
而最重要的两个信息是 but two very important messages
第一个 他是慢慢进步成这样的 the first message is that it evolves
需要时间 你不会在20岁时 或者40岁时 it takes time; you don't become third level
一夜之间 去到第三层自尊 self-actualized individual overnight at the age of 20
变成一个自我实现的人 or even at the age of 40
需要时间 需要下功夫 It takes time; it takes work; it takes self-awareness
需要一次次跌倒和站起来 it takes falling down and getting up
学会失败 learning to fail
然后从失败中学习 then learning from that failure
需要学习接受自己 It takes learning to accept oneself
需要敞开心扉 接受伤害 犯错 it takes being open and being vulnerable and making mistakes
需要做一个彻彻底底的人 it takes being human, fully human
我不是一出生就这样的 I was not always like this
他的回答中第二个信息是 The second message that I got from this
Warren很真诚 is that Warren was genuine
他很真实 他没有跟我说 He was real. He didn't say to me
"Tal 别夸我 "Oh Tal, stop
我也不是很厉害 过奖了" Not really. Come on. Thank you"
他没有这样 But no
他很真诚 他知道自己的价值 He was real. He knows his worth
他自信 He's confident
他没有虚伪的谦虚 There was no false modesty involved
这让我想起 and it reminded me
当我开始思考自尊时 that when I started to think about self-esteem
自尊的真正意义 and the true meaning of self-esteem
Branden的著作中所写的意义 as you read in Branden's work
对了 他和Nathaniel Branden是好朋友 by the way, he and Nathaniel Branden are good friends
当我开始读Branden的著作时 When I started reading Branden
当我明白真正的自尊是什么时 and when I realized what real self-esteem was about
我明白有高自尊的人都是谦虚的 I realized that people with high levels of self-esteem are modest
你不需要显摆 You don't have the need to show off
你们知道 自大 You know, arrogance
自恋是自尊的对立 narcissism is the exact opposite of self-esteem
目中无人 自以为是 hubris, foolish pride is the exact opposite
跟真正意义上的自我感是完全对立的 of what a true sense of self is
所以当我明白了这点以后 So when I understood that
我的一个重要目标就是变得 one of my important goals was to become
谦虚 最重要的目标 more importantly to be - modest
所以我越来越觉得 And it was incredibly important for me
要让大家都知道我很谦虚 that everyone knows how modest I was
英国哲学家Francis Bacon说 You know. Francis Bacon, the British philosopher
谦虚不过是换了个法子在显摆而已 said that modesty is but another form of ostentation
这句话用在我身上最合适不过了 And for me that certainly was the case
但对别人来说不总是这样 it's not always the case
我认为Warren Bennis是真正的谦虚 I think Warren Bennis is modest and truly modest
我认为曼德拉 I think Nelson Mandela
当他谦虚时 他是真正的谦虚 when he is being modest, he really is modest
但问题是 你怎样才能达到那种层次的谦虚? But the question is: how do you get to that level of modesty?
你要达到那种层次的谦虚 方法就是活出自我 And you get to this level of modesty by being authentic
活得真实 by being real
走完这个过程 by going through the process
这个过程就像我们上节课说的那样 And the process in many ways as we described last time
就像学习走路 is like learning how to walk
我们刚生出来时 Initially when we are born
我们连走路是什么都不知道 we have no idea what walking even is
但慢慢地 Then later on
我们能站起来 we are able to get up
但我们需要别人扶着 but we need support either of another person
或者靠着什么东西 or something to lean on
例如 我们靠着桌子小心地走出第一步 And we take our first precarious steps around a desk, for example
慢慢地我们可以自己走了 And after a while we can walk without help
但我们还是要想着每一步怎么迈 But we are still thinking about every step
我们跌倒了就再爬起来 and we fall down and get up again
学会失败 或者一错再错 learn to fail or fail to learn
然后我们继续走 And then we continue walking
我们心里时刻想着怎么抬起这条腿 and we are very conscious of how we pick up this leg
当你观察婴儿学走路时 When you watch a baby learn how to walk
会觉得很神奇 it's fascinating
他们需要调动很多东西 才能完成 So many things have come together for this simple
这么简单的一个动作 seemingly simple action
过了一段时间后 And then after a while
婴儿变得更自信了 the baby becomes more confident
她开始跑了 And she begins to run
她不再想着怎么走或跑 And she no longer has to think about walking or running
因为她自然地 because then she naturally
就会走了 she simply walks
自我感也是这样 一开始 Same with the sense of self: initially
我们没有自我感 we have no sense of self
区分不开"我"和妈妈 there's no differentiation between the "me" and the mom
或者世界上其他物件 or other objects in the world
慢慢地我们发展出自我感 Gradually, we develop a sense of self
但这个自我感是完全依赖外界的 but that sense of self is completely dependent
不管是身体上还是心理上 physically as well as psychologically
我们都依赖于父母 we are dependent on our parents
重要的大人 significant adults
哥哥或姐姐 older sibling
然后过了一段时间 And then after a while
通常是到我们进入青春期后 that usually happens when we are teenagers
我们开始获得独立 we begin to assert our independence
这时我们开始渴望 That's when we begin to desire
听到自己的声音 want to hear our own voice
想让别人听到自己的声音 want to make our own voice heard
青春期这段时间很难 That's the difficult teenage years
对青少年来说难 difficult for the teenager
对父母来说也难 difficult for the parent
但这是自然的 But it's natural
是进化的必经步骤 It's part of evolution
这时候我们需要我们的界限 And we need our boundaries at that time
但同时 And at the same time
我们有时候又需要打破界限 we need to sometimes break boundaries
我们需要试探现实 We need to test reality
确定自我 Assert ourselves
然后随着时间过去 And then over time
如果我们这么做 when we do that
随着时间过去 我们同时开始一个新过程 over time we begin a new process simultaneously
这个过程就是真正的分化 And that is the process of real differentiation
这时候独立的自我变得太强烈 where the independent self becomes so strong
我们能够和他们联系 that we are able to connect to others as well
再一次 引用回讲恋爱课的内容 Once again, going back to relationship
Nathaniel Branden说过 我们越独立 Nathaniel Branden: the more independent we become
我们就越互相依存 the more interdependent we can be
然后我们进步 这需要很长时间 And then we evolve and that takes a long time
如果我们没有依赖的一面 例如 And if we have missed out on the dependent side – for example
如果我们年少时没有得到任何赞扬 if we didn't get any accolades and any praise
或者用Carl Rogers的话来说无条件的 and unconditional self-regard in the words of Carl Rogers
自我关注 when we are younger
我们就会有这个需求 回忆一下那个渐成模型 then we have that need - remember the model of epigeneti
我们不能跳过一层 we can't jump over a stage
通常我们需要一个治疗师 And very often it would take a therapist
帮助我们找到无条件的自我关注 to provide us with unconditional self-regard
这样我们就能到达下一层 so that we can go to the next level
或者我们需要一段关系 Or we need a relationship
或几段关系帮助我们培养无条件的自我关注 or relationships where we cultivate unconditional self-regard
这样我们就能到达下一层 so that we can go to the next stage
如果… And if we were
如果我们在青少年时期 when we were teenagers
不停地有人叫我们安静 constantly told to be quiet
守规矩 阻止我们确立自我 to behave, prevented from asserting ourselves
活出自我 being ourselves
那么我们就不可能顺利地 then we are unlikely to get to the next level
到达下一层 in a smooth way
通常在以后的生活里 我们需要做的事就是 And then very often later on in life we need to do
首先要确立自己 that first to assert ourselves
就像青少年那样 like teenagers did or do
这样就能到达下一层 so that we can make it to the next level
但不管怎样 这个过程不会顺顺利利 But regardless this is not a smooth transition
为什么? 因为天下没有完美的父母 Why? Because there are no perfect parents
因为天下没有完美的成长环境 because there is no perfect environment
没有完美的老师帮助我们自然而顺利地 there are no perfect teachers and for us to evolve naturally
通过这些阶段 and smoothly through the stages
这是不现实的 it's just unrealistic
在地球上不存在 doesn't exis, not here on earth
我们在艰苦中随着时间进步 And then we evolve over time through the hardships
克服困难 through the difficulties
犯错 跌倒 making mistakes, falling
再爬起来 getting up again
慢慢地独立的自我 gradually the interdependent self
无条件的自尊开始浮现 the unconditional self-esteem emerges
我们对自己更有自信 And we feel much more comfortable in our skin
Maslow说他没见过 Maslow said that he didn't find people
有45岁以下就自我实现的人 below the age of 45 who were self-actualized
即使是那些自我实现的人 And even those self-actualized people
仍然有残留的一丝丝独立型自尊 still have remnants of independent
和依赖型自尊 as well as dependent self-esteem
这种自尊是不会彻底消失的 It never really goes away
但它这时变弱了 But it's only weaker now
它不占主导地位 这时的人不再执着于 It's not dominant; it's not what they are about
获得更多赞扬 the next accolade, the next praise
当别人不喜欢他们时就伤心欲绝 being devastated when someone doesn't like them
当自己不是最好时就伤心欲绝 being devastated when they are not the best
他们接受了 他们会说 They accept it. They say
"赢了固然是好 赢不了也无所谓" "O, it would be nice to win this."
然后他们会继续前进 And then they move on
他们会问 And they ask
"我怎样才能让世界变得更美好? "How can I make the world better place?
我怎么把积极情绪带给别人?" How can I be a conduit for positive emotions?"
Maslow没见过45岁以下自我实现的人 Maslow didn't find anyone below the age of 45
Schnarch说要到五六十岁时 Schnarch talks about how it's in the 50s and 60s
人才分化 that the individuals become differentiated
才到酝酿出一段关系中最高层次的感情 and where the highest potential for passion is within a relationship
需要时间 It takes time
我不是一生下来就这样的 I was not always this way
正如Bennis指出 不是一生下来就这样的 it was not always like this as Bennis pointed out
非常重要的一个道理 very important lesson
很多人都问这个理论是不是放之四海皆准 Many people ask about the universal nature of this theory
因为你们知道 独立 because you know independence is very much
或者说个人主义 是西方文化 or individualism is very much a Western construct
或者说美国文化 西欧文化 or American, West European construct
如果你去非洲 这会很不同 You know you go to Africa - very differen
群体的概念 the concept of we of a group
比个体的概念更重要 is much more central to who they are
如果大家去亚洲 You go to Asia
"我们"的概念 集体的概念 the concept of the we, collectivism
群体的概念比个体的概念更重要 the group is much more central to who they are
那在其他地方呢? So what about other areas?
这是一个专属西方的理论吗? Is this a Western centric theory?
答案是"不一定" And the answer is "not necessarily"
如果我们的目标是完全自我实现 You see, if our goal is to become fully actualized
或者用Rogers的话来说 or to strive toward that
在成为一个人的过程中 to be in the process of becoming a person
向着这个目标奋进 in the words of Rogers
那么最后 then the final
互相依存这个最后阶段对所有文化来说都一样 that final stage of interdependence is same in all cultures
所有文化都重视这一点 All cultures value it
他们同样重视这一点 They value it just the same
不同文化的人 这个过程可能看起来不同 the process may look different for a person in Japan
日本人 美国人 and for a person in United States
埃及人 以色列人 for a person in Israel or Egypt
津巴布韦人 都各不相同 compared to a person living in Zimbabwe
这个过程看起来不同 The process may look different
但它有很多相同之处 However, it will have many similarities
我在第三节课时讲过达赖喇嘛 Remember I talked about the Dalai Lama on the third class or so
他说他发现西方心理的一个问题是 who said that one of the problems he sees in Western psychology
我们太着重文化差异了 is that we focus too much on cultural differences
达赖喇嘛是一个 And again, Dalai Lama is very
文化触觉非常敏锐的人 extremely sensitive culturally
他说差异确实存在 我们需要学习它们 But he says there are differences; we need to study them
但与此同时 At the same time
我们更需要学习相同之处 we need to study even more so the similarities
正是这些相同之处把我们联合起来 that which brings us together
团结起来 that unites us
而且相同之处多不胜数 And there are a lot of similarities
希望不久的将来会有越来越多人研究 And hopefully soon there'll be more and more research
这个话题 并把它应用于不同的文化中 on this topic applying it to different cultures and twigging
看看它与西方文化以外的世界有什么联系 and seeing how it relates outside the Western tradition
因为我等一下提到的大部分研究 Cause most of the research that I'll mention in a minute
都是在美国做的 has been done in United States
有一些是在英国 some of them in UK
如果能看看别的地方这个过程是如何的 那会很有趣 Will be interesting to see what the process looks like elsewhere
但它的核心是 But at its core, at its core
相似多于差异 it is much more similar than different
为什么独立很重要? Why is it important to be independent?
为什么我们要奋力地达到独立阶段? Why is it that we should strive for this evolution?
为什么我们不应该遵从他人 Shouldn't we stay of the conformity
依赖外界? dependence level?
我的理由 以及很多研究结果 Now I will argue and the research
还有很多历史事件都表明 shows as well as historical incidents show that
培养独立是我们培养相互依存的 it is important to cultivate independence as a way
一个重要途径 to cultivate interdependence
首先 First of all
因为道德行为 because of moral behavior
如果大家想想历史上最可怕的暴行 if you think about the worst atrocities throughout history
历史上最可怕的暴行 the worst atrocities throughout history
正是那些遵从他人 were conducted by people conforming
服从权威的人犯下的 by obedience to authority
那些种族主义或民族主义的信念和行为导致的 and by racist or ethnocentric beliefs and behaviors
现在来看看我刚才提到的三件事 Now look at these three things that I just
服从权威 一个人 obedience to authority - a person
如果有很高的依赖性自尊 with high dependence self-esteem
就越有可能服从 is much more likely to be obedient
权威人物 to an authority figure
为什么? 因为这样的人寻求赞扬 Why? Because he or she seeks accolades
他们寻求认同 they seek approval
他们没有强烈的自我感 They don't feel strong enough themselves
他们需要一个有魅力的领袖告诉他们 They need that very charismatic leader to tell them
"你真棒 你真厉害 你太了不起了" "Oh,you are fine, You are OK, You are superior"
因为他们的自我感依赖于这些赞扬 Because that's where their sense of self is dependent on
如果我们需要不停地获得群体的赞扬 because we are much more likely to conform to what a group is doing
我们就更可能遵循群体的做法 if we need constantly the accolades of that group
大家想想Milgram的实验 You think about the Milgram experiment
Asch的实验 you think about Asch experiments
上过第15节和第1节的同学 those of you who've taken Psych 15,or Psych 1
大家想想种族主义 什么是种族主义? You think about racism. What is racism?
种族主义就是通过比较一些外在因素 Racism is about comparison and wanting to assert superiority
来证明自己高人一等 on the base of some external factor
换言之 In other words
我本身不够好 I'm not good enough as I am
证明不了我有多好 You know, to prove how good I am
我必须拿自己跟别人比较 I have to compare myself to another
我可以比较居住的地方 whether I choose you know, place of residence
比较成长教育 whether I choose upbringing
比较肤色 whether I choose the color of the skin
它的中心是相对能力感 It's about relative competence
但是独立的人 Whereas people who are independent
没有这种比较的需求 或者说这种需求没那么强烈 don't have the need or have less of that need for comparison
遵循他人的需求也没那么强烈 as well as less of that need to conform
他们坚持原则 They are true to principles
他们自己的原则 their own principles
但原则并不是万灵药 Now this is not a panacea
原则并不总是好的 This is not always good
因为纳粹分子 because I'm sure there are also Nazis
也很坚持自己的原则 who are true to their principles
但我等一下讲的研究 But as I'll show later in research
表明坚持原则的人更可能 those who are true to their principles are more likely
听从自己的心 to follow their heart
只要他们的心没有受伤 And unless their heart is damaged
我说的受伤不是一个比喻 I mean that in a true sense of the word, damaged
他们会追求做好事 they will seek to do good
他们会追求帮助他人 They will seek to help
他们的移情会增加 Their levels of empathy will increase
这是移情的矛盾 And this is the paradox of empathy
当我培养移情时 It's actually when we cultivate empathy
或者说当我们培养… or rather when we cultivate
实在找不到更好的词 for lack of a better term
我也不想用一个新词 and I actually don't want to use a new term
当我们培养自爱时 When we cultivate self-love
当我们培养自尊时 when we cultivate self-esteem
我们就会更有可能变得 that's when we are most likely
富有同情心 爱别人 to be empathic and to love others
大家想想黄金原则 Look at the golden rule
要像爱自己一样爱你的邻居 love your neighbors as you love yourself
在这个原则里 What does that
爱你的邻居的先决条件是什么? what is the prerequisite of loving your neighbor?
爱自己 The self
你就是标准 You are the standard
我们自己是我们评价他人的标准 we are the standard of how we evaluate others
因为我们怎么对待他们经常… because our behavior toward others very often
不是通常 not always
但经常都反映了我们怎么对待自己 very often - mirrors our behavior toward ourselves
所以那些培养独立自我感的人 So people cultivating independent sense of self
那些有强烈自我认同的人 更能认同别人 who have a strong self identity are better able to identify with others
除了道德行为以外 In addition to moral behavior
还会有更好的认知表现 better cognitive performance - you see
有强烈依赖型自尊的人 people who have a strong dependent self-esteem
或者说行动主要由他人言论决定的人 or are primarily driven by what other people say
会遵循别人在遵循的规矩 will follow the rule that has already been taken
他们很可能变得就像一台机器一样 They will, can potentially be great mechanics
因为他们会为了得到赞扬而努力 because they'll work hard for these accolade
努力是好事 and that's a good thing, to work hard
但他们不会打破陈规 But they'll basically remain within the box
而有强烈独立型自尊的人 whereas the people who have a stronger sense of independent self-esteem
就会打破陈规 think outside the box
选择别人没有走过的道路 choose the path that hasn't already been taken
但这并不代表他们不会选择 That doesn't mean that they can't walk in the pat
别人已经走过的路 that has been taken
只是这是他们真正 if that is what they really
真正想要的生活就行了 really want to do with their lives
所以如果我们说"别人说走东 我偏偏走西" So you know it's just as much sign of dependence when we say
这同样也是依赖型的 "Wel,I am gonna do the opposite of what everyone else does."
因为我的行为还是取决于他人 because I'm still dependent on what everyone else does
所以这不是独立型自尊 So that's not independent self-esteem
而是依赖型自尊 That's just more dependence
如果我坐下说 But if I sit down and I say
"好的 我该怎么过我的人生?" "Ok, what do I really, really want to do with my life?"
我很认真地想 And I think about it truly
把自己置身于一个没人知道我在做什么的世界 Put myself in a world that no one would know what I was doing
我会更可能找到我的爱好 I'm much more likely to identify that thing which is my passion
我的核心 我的使命 也许是在投资银行工作 my core, my calling - be it in investment banking
也许是在UniLu工作 or work in the UniLu
这并不重要 It doesn't matter
问题是"我的动力是什么?" The question is "What is the source of that"
有独立型自尊的人活到老学到老 Person with independent self-esteem is committed to continuous learning
回忆一下John Carlton的研究 在哈佛商学院的毕业生中 Remember the John Carlton's study – what differentiated the HBS grads
优等生与别的学生之间的区别就是 the extraordinary ones from the rest
他们总是问问题 was that, they were always asking questions
他们总是想学更多 They always wanted to learn more
他们不会 They didn't get out of – you know
从大学或商学院毕业后 graduate from college or graduate from business school
或者读完博士 or from a PHD program
诸如此类的学位后 说 or wherever it is, and say
"我懂得够多了" "OK,I know enough"
"现在我是经理了 现在我是领导了 Or "Now I'm a manager; now I'm the leader
我会告诉人们应该做什么" I'll tell people how they should…
这是Warren Bennis的一个优点 This is the amazing thing about Warren Bennis
他总是问问题 He's always asking questions
他对别人做的事感兴趣 He's always interested in what people are doing
他总是在学习 He's always learning
我等一下会给大家看一个研究 Happiness, levels of happiness are higher
当我们有独立型自尊时 and I'll show you the research in a minute
我们的幸福感会更高 when we experience a sense of independent self-esteem
我们会更平静 我们不会不停地 We are much calmer when we don't constantly
向别人证明自己 have to prove ourselves to others
总是处于警惕状态是一件很劳心劳力的事 It is enervating to constantly be on the guard
这个人会喜欢我吗? 我怎么得到他们的认同? Is this person gonna like me? How do I gain their validation?
当我们这样想时 我们会更平静: We are much calmer when we say
"让我表达自己 "Let me express myself
没错 我也许会受伤害 And yes it may hurt me
如果他们不喜欢我 我会伤心 It will hurt me, if they don't like me
没问题 我承受得住 That's OK. I'm resilient
我很坚强 我可以接受" I'm strong, I can deal."
存在感更平静了 Much calmer - sense of being
当我们表达自己 而不是时刻想着表现自己 when we express rather than constantly try to impress
想象一下我们的生活会变得多轻松 Imagine how much lighter our lives can be
如果 当我们在教室时 if, when we are here
或者当我们走出教室时 or when we walk out of here
我们感受到这种存在感 we experience the sense of being
越来越多地… more and more of the time
重申一次 不是完全地 again, not perfectly
因为这有违人的天性 because that's not human
但我们可以越来越多地单纯地存在 but more and more of the time to just be, to exist
感激我们的存在 作为一个整体存在 to celebrate our existence and the existence as a whole
我给大家讲几个研究 Let me share with you just some of the research
这样的研究不是很多 There hasn't been a lot
我想给大家讲我做的一些研究 And I wanna share with you just some of the work that I did for
是我读博士学位时做的 后来还继续做了一点 as part of my PHD and a little bit beyond
第一个研究是关于 The first research that was really able to deal with
自尊的矛盾 the paradox of self-esteem
也就是说 有些人得到很多赞扬 of how some people get so much accolade
但他们的自尊下降了 and yet their self-esteem decreases
而那些有很高自尊的人 有些有敌对情绪 or how some people have high self-esteem or hostile
但有些却对别人宽厚仁慈 versus others that are generous and benevolent
第一个研究是Kernis做的 The first research that was done was by Kernis
他在1995年提出自尊稳定性这个概念 who back in 1995 came up with the concept of self-esteem stability
他说 真正能够预测 And he said what actually can predict
一个人究竟是敌对还是宽厚 whether a person will be hostile or generous
他们的自尊会随着时间增高 whether their self-esteem over time will be high
还是降低的 不是自尊本身 or whether it will lower over time is not a self-esteem per se
而是自尊的稳定性 but rather is the stability of their self-esteem
他发现…他追踪实验对象 And what he showed - he followed people
例如 一两周 you know, for example, for a week or two weeks
他会测评他们的状态自尊而不是特质自尊 and he would measure their state rather than trait
他们当时的状态自尊 their state self-esteem at the time
有些人… So there were certain people who
假设这里是自尊水平 if this is the self-esteem level
这里是时间 and this is time
在某个时候 有些人的自尊在这里 There were people whose self-esteem at this point
然后第二天 was here and then the next day
在这里 然后这里 here, and then here
然后又回到这里 这里 and then here again, and then here
这里… and here and here
假设他测了十次 and he measured, let's sa, ten times
他想测出 And what he wanted to see
这些数据分布的标准偏差 to measure - the standard deviation of the spread
它有多接近? 有多稳定? How close was it? How stable was it?
假设这个人 So this would be someone with
平均来说 maybe on average
有很高的自尊 high self-esteem
但有很多起伏 but with a lot of fluctuations
有些人则像这样 Other people were more like this
也有起起伏伏 Again, ups and downs
有时是很大的起伏 but sometimes large fluctuations
但总体来说 but overall
很稳定 pretty stable
同样水平的自尊 Same level of self-esteem
特质自尊 trait self-esteem
但状态自尊的起伏少了很多 but state self-esteem fluctuated far less
他发现 是自尊的稳定性 And what he showed was that it was the stability
而不是自尊本身 决定了 rather than self-esteem per se that determined
一个人是敌对还是仁慈 whether or not a person would be hostile or benevolent
自尊不稳定的人 People with unstable self-esteem
更可能充满敌对情绪 were more likely to be hostile
而自尊更稳定的人 People with more stable self-esteem
更可能宽厚仁慈 were more likely to be generous and benevolent
这就解释了自尊理论的 resolving a lot of the contradictions
很多矛盾和误解 misunderstanding in the literature
当我看到这个理论时 我顿悟了 When I saw this, I had a eureka
亲身体验到的一次顿悟 personal eureka experience
我说 And I said
"就是它了 他找到答案了" "This is it! He's onto something."
我在2000年写我的硕士论文时 And what I did in my master's thesis back in 2000
我设计了一个问卷 was created a questionnaire
一个很简单的问卷 测量依赖型自尊 a very simple questionnaire that measured dependent versus
和独立型自尊的对比 independent self-esteem
我测评学生 And I measured students
大部分是哈佛学生 我还在新加坡做了代表性抽样调查 mostly Harvard students - I did also cross sectional in Singapore
我那时经常在新加坡 得出同样的结果 I was spending a lot of time there at the time - similar results
亚洲和美国的一样 Asia and here
至少新加坡和美国的一样 at least in Singapore and in United States
我发现 依赖型自尊 And what I found was that dependent self-esteem
与不稳定性有关 was associated with instability
而独立型自尊与稳定性有关 independent self-esteem was associated with stability
换言之 In other words
我只测量了一次 而不是十次 I came up with one measure that instead measuring ten times
到底这种自尊会导致敌对情绪 whether that kind of self-esteem would lead to hostility
焦虑 还是平静或宽厚 anxiety, versus calmness or generosity
我只用了一个测量数据 I used just one measure
我发现 And that's what I found
依赖性自尊与自尊不稳定性 very high correlation between dependent self-esteem
高度相关 and self-esteem instability
两者成正比 positive correlation
而独立型自尊和自尊稳定性 and a positive correlation between independent self-esteem
也成正比 and self-esteem stability
当时我的一些学生也就此做了一些研究 Then some of my students at the time did research on it
例如 Mellisa Christino For example, Mellisa Christino
你们会在这门课上 who you'll meet
看到她写的一些东西 at least some of her writing later on in this class
她本科时写的毕业论文 did her senior thesis as an undergrad here
就是表明独立型自尊和快乐 on showing the connection between independent self-esteem and happiness
独立型自尊与心流的关系 and independent self-esteem and flow
那些有高度独立型自尊的人 Those who had high independent self-esteem
最有可能在运动场上体验到心流 were most likely to experience flow on athletic field
因为这就是她的研究对象 哈佛运动员 which is where her research was - Harvard athletics
高度独立自尊的人也有更高的幸福感 also connected to higher levels of happiness
我的论文是想准确地找出 Then my dissertation was trying to pin down these exact characteristics
自尊理论存在的问题 that were problematic in self-esteem literature
我说过 高度自尊意味着自恋 Remember, high self-esteem means narcissism
怎么区分这两者? How do you differentiate?
我在论文里发现 Well, what I found in the dissertation was that
自恋其实是与高度依赖型自尊有关 narcissism is connected actually to high dependent self-esteem
而自恋与独立型自尊没有什么关系 There was no correlation between independent self-esteem and narcissism
至于宽厚 When it comes to generosity
这也许是研究中最令人意外的结果 this was probably the most surprising result of the study
有独立型自尊的人 people with independent self-esteem
其实更宽厚仁兹 were actually more generous and benevolent
不仅自我报告如此 对他人的行为也是如此 both in terms of self report and in terms of their actual behavior
非常强烈的自我感 toward other people - a strong sense of self
我说过 像爱自己一样爱你的邻居 Remember, love your neighbor as you love yourself
己所不欲 勿施于人 Do not do unto others which you would not have done to yourself
当你对自我有一个高标准时 And when you have a high standard for the self
对他人也会有一个高标准 there is a high standard for the other
通常这是无意识地发生的 And that usually happens automatically
因为我们怎么对待他人就会怎么对待自己 because we mirror our behavior toward the "I"
还有敌对情绪 And then hostility
敌对情绪与自尊本身没有关系 no correlation between hostility and self-esteem per se
因为有些 because some people have
有高度自尊的人 有很高的敌对情绪 with high self-esteem, have high levels of hostility
但有些有高度自尊的人 敌对情绪很低 some people with high self-esteem have low levels of hostility
而且更宽厚仁慈 and more generosity
但依赖型和独立型自尊能预测敌对情绪 But dependent and independent self-esteem predicted hostility
那些有高度自尊的人 而且自尊主要是依赖型的 Those with high self-esteem that was mostly dependent
这样的人更可能…但也有例外 不是所有人都会这样 were more likely, not always, not every person
但平均来说 这样的人更可能表现出敌对 but on average, were more likely to display hostility
而那些有高度自尊 而且主要是独立型自尊的人 those people with high self-esteem that is mostly independent
会更坦率 合作 宽厚 were much more open, cooperative and generous
完美主义 那时我有两个学生 Perfectionism - two of my students at that time
Tiffany Ignaczyk和Kate Richey Tiffany Ignaczyk and Kate Richey
她是这个班的助教 who is a TF in this class
做了一个很优秀的研究 表明完美主义 did fantastic work showing the connection between perfectionism
和自尊的关系 有高度独立型自尊的人 and self-esteem - how people with high independent self-esteem
他们是完美主义者的可能性更低 were less likely to be perfectionistic
为什么? 独立型自尊的人更注重表达自己 Why? Because it is about self expression
注重学习和成长 it's about constantly learning and growing
而学习和成长 And part of learning and growing
就必定要跌倒再爬起 is falling down and getting up again
学习只有这个途径 no other way to learn
而依赖型自尊更注重… Whereas dependent self-esteem were more concerned
我上节课引用Mihnea Moldoveanu说的话 the words of Mihnea Moldoveanu that I quoted last time
我们声称自己想要真相 we say we want the truth
但其实我们只是想自己是正确的 what we mean is that we want to be correct
更依赖于他人的看法 more dependent on how they perceived
更完美主义 更害怕失败 more perfectionistic, more afraid of failure
这同样适用于…我们之前讲过 So this applies also - and we talked about before
但我想再说一次 适用于恋爱 but I just want to point it out again - to relationships
这也是David Schnarch That's work on the topic
就这个课题所做的研究 我们说过 David Schnarch again where we talked about
我们怎么达到被了解的阶段 how do we get to the stage of being known
而不是被认可的阶段 rather than being validated
这并不代表在七八十岁时 And that doesn't mean that at the age of 70 or 80
当我们完全进化了 when we are fully evolved
我们并不喜欢 或者不需要我们伴侣的认可 we don't enjoy or need at times the validation of our partner
我们需要 We do
但同时 But at the same time
我们更关心的是表达自我 we are much more about self expression
David Schnarch是这样说的 Here is what David Schnarch has to say
"分化是你维持自我感的能力 "Differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self
当你情绪上和/或身体上 when you are emotionally and/or physically
与别人亲近 close to others
尤其是这些人变得对你越来越重要时 especially as they become increasingly important to you
分化使你维持自己的道路 Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course
当爱人 朋友 when lovers, friends
家庭向你施压 让你同意和遵从时 and family pressure you to agree and conform
分化良好的人能够同意 但又不会觉得 Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling
他们"失去自我" like they're 'losing themselvs'
能够不同意 但又不会觉得被排挤和难受" and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered."
这正是被了解的含义 This is what being known is all about
做你自己 分化出来 being yourself, being differentiated
这就是独立型自尊的核心 This is what independent self-esteem is
这是最高境界的相互依存的 this is what ultimately interdependence
真谛 is all about
说来容易做来难 easier said than done
但用它来启发我们是非常有用的 But again it's very helpful to have that as a heuristic
在我们潜意识里 the back of your mind
当它发生时 能够注意到 to notice that it's happening
因为在20岁这个年龄 Because at the age of 20
你们也会经历相互依存的时刻 you are also experiencing moments of interdependence
与朋友家人产生真正的联系 real connection with a friend, family
走在后院里 欣赏美景 just walking in the yard and admiring the beauty of it all
这些珍贵的时刻 随着时间过去 and these are precious moments that over time
我们会有越来越多 we can have more and more of
只要我们跟从这条自然的道路 if we follow the natural path
自然的发展 the natural evolution
继续用回走路那个比喻 Going back to the analogy of walking
我经常…我们知道 I'm very often when - we know these you know
历史上有很多故事 stories through history
有些人被迫穿上 people were put in you know shoes
太小的鞋子 或者被剥夺走路的自由 that were too small for them or were not allowed to try and walk
Ceausescu统治下的罗马尼亚就是这样 such as very often the case was in Romanian under Ceausescu
人们无法自然发展 where people were not allowed to develop naturally
当我们的自然发展被阻碍了 when our natural development is hindered
这是有可能的 and it can be hindered
我们就不能如我们所能的那样发展 we don't evolve as we can
所以在心理层面上也有这个问题 So the question is also on the psychological level
我们怎样才能如我们所能地发展? 你们在这个学期 how can we evolve as we can? And some of the tools
所学到的一些方法 that you learned throughout the semester
不管是认知的学习方法 whether it is the cognitive tool of learning
允许自己有人的天性 the permission to be human
还是你们具体地运用的方法 or the tools that you can actually apply
例如写日记 such as keeping a journal
做运动 such as exercising
学会感恩 such as doing the gratitude exercise
冥想 练瑜伽 such as meditating, or doing yoga
这些方法都是 All these things as you'll see are ways
有助实现自我的方法 of becoming more self-actualized
它们能加速这个过程 of expediting the process
当我们加速这个过程 And when we expedite the process
就意味着此时此刻我们就能越来越多地 it means that right now right here we are able to experience
体验到那种存在感 that sense of being much more often
我们不用等到50 60或70岁 we don't need to wait until we are 50 or 60 or 70
我们可以早早地就踏上那条健康的道路 We can on that healthy journey way before that
那么我们该怎么做? So how do we do it? How do we do it?
我们说回 Let me go back to the model
我们讲改变时讲过的那个模型 we talked about when we discussed change
我们讲过改变的ABC And we talked about the ABC of change
A是情感 B是行为 C是认知 Affect. Behavior, and Cognition
我说过改变的最重要方法 And I mentioned that the most important approach to change
改变的最有效方法是B 行为 the most effective approach to change is the B, the Behavior
我用一个模型讲过态度如何改变行为 And I introduced this model of how attitudes change behavior
反过来行为如何改变态度 and in turn how behavior changes attitudes
大家回忆一下自我知觉理论 Remember self-perception theory
如果你想在某个生活领域得到改善 if you want to improve in one area in our lives
最好的方法就是让自己的行为变得像改善了一样 the best thing to do is to behave as we would
如果我想要高度自尊 If I want high self-esteem
我的行为就要像一个有高度自尊的人 I need to behave like a person with high self-esteem behaves
为什么? 因为自尊就是一种态度 Why? Because self-esteem is simply an attitude
是我对自我的态度 it's the attitude I have toward the self
是我对自己的评价 it's the I evaluating the me
要提高这种态度 And to enhance that attitude
我就要…或者说最有效的办法 I need to engage - or the most effective way
不是唯一的办法 not the only way
最有效的办法 就是表现出一个 but the most effective way is to engage in behavior of a person
有高度自尊的人的行为 with high self-esteem
所以榜样的作用很重要 which is why it's so important to have role models
我说的榜样不止一个 And I'm saying that in plural
有榜样很重要 It's important to have role models
我们可以学习这些人 people we can look up to
说 and say
"我想有这样的性格… "I want to have that chara...
不 我想有Warren Bennis那样的 No. I want to have the calm and the acceptance
平静 包容和慷慨精神 and the generosity of spirit that Warren Bennis has
我想有Marva Collins身上的 I want to have the passion
那种对教学的热爱 for teaching that Marva Collins displays
把榜样的所有优点综合起来 integrate that aggregates of role models
这样我们就能有他们那样的行为 并且慢慢地培养 so that we can behave and over time achieve that attitude
我们追求的那种态度 that we are looking for
我来讲一下提高自尊的几个方法 So let me go over a few of them of how to enhance self-esteem
大部分都已经讲过了 We've discussed most
所以这也算是很好地总结一下我们讲过的内容 so this is a good summary of some of the things that we went through
首先有高度独立型自尊的人通常… First, people with high independent self-esteem generally
正如我们之前从研究中看到的那样 as we saw before from the research
包括Melissa Christino和其他人的研究 Melissa Christino's research and others'
他们通常更平静 are generally calmer
所以独立型自尊是一种态度 So independent self-esteem is the attitude
平静是一种行为 calm is the behavior
也就是说 行为平静的人 which also means that people who behave calmly
他们的独立型自尊会随着时间增加 will increase over time their independent self-esteem
我们在和冥想相关的研究中看过 例如 And we see that in related research on meditation for example
正念冥想 on mindfulness
当我们越来越多地练习这种方法 as we induce more of it
我们的自尊 our self-esteem
我们独立型的自尊 and it is the independent part of self-esteem
因为它不需要赞扬 because they are not about accolades
"我今天冥想得真好 "Oh I meditated so well today
大家给我鼓掌" Everyone, clap."
这不是这种自尊的重点 It's not about that
它的重点是带来平静 It's about inducing calm
关注自己 活出自己 being centered, being myself
又例如运动 Or physical exercise
运动能带来平静 physical exercise induces calm
因为它在体内释放某种酶 because it releases certain enzyme
某些化学物质 这样随着时间过去 certain chemicals in the body so that over time
它能直接增强我们的独立型自尊 it actually strengthens our independent self-esteem indirectly
因为行为 because behavior
体验了平静 导致态度的转变 experiencing the calm leads to a changing attitude
假设你中了一个无名咒语 Imagine that a spell of anonymity has been cast on you
从现在起在你的余生里 From now on and for the rest of your life
没有人会知道你做什么 no one will know what you are doing
除了你自己 没有人知道你有多好 no one but you will know how good you are
你有多宽厚 how generous you are
你有多仁慈 how benevolent you are
除了你自己 没有人知道你有多富有多强大 No one but you will know how wealthy and powerful
你有多重要 and important you are
只有你自己知道你的成就 You and you alone will know about all your accomplishments
只有你知道你有多好的操守 you and you alone will know about how ethical
道德和性格 moral and wonderful you are
在这样的一个世界里 你中了无名咒语 In such a world where a spell of anonymity has been cast on you
你会怎么做？ what would you do?
有谁觉得很熟悉吗? 你们会怎么做? Familiar, anyone? What would you do?
正如我在课后作业里提过那样 Now as I mentioned in the response paper
这并不代表我们在匿名世界里怎么生活 this does not mean that this is what I need to do
在现实世界里就应该怎么生活 with my life - what I would do in this anonymous world
这个方法的意义是 在这样一个世界里 What it is saying though is in such world
或者说做这样的练习 or doing this exercise
它能磨练我们 it can help us hone in
在抛开赞扬和声望的情况下 on what we would do regardless of the accolades
我们会怎么做 and praise and prestige
我经常练习这个方法 大家知道 I do this exercise regularly - as you know
在这个班上 我介绍给大家的方法 我都一一练过 no exercise in this class that I assign to you is foreign to me
我都练过 I do them all
我也像大家一样边上课边学习 I'm going through this class just as you are
我会经常用这个方法 And I do this class, this regularly
例如 我在这里读研究生的时候 And for example, when I did it as a graduate student here
我当时的答案是在那样的一个世界里 my response was that in such a world
我可能连博士学位都拿不到 I actually would not get a PHD
我不会拿到博士学位 I would not get a PHD
因为读博对我来说不是一件很愉快的事 虽然很有意义 because it wasn't that pleasurable to me - very meaningful
但没那么愉快 but less pleasurable to me
我读得不是很好 I wasn't that good at it
不觉得我自己有什么惊人能力 didn't feel like I was thriving
但我也跟自己说 在现实世界里 But I also said to myself that in our world
不是那个没人知道我在做什么的世界 not in that world where no one would know what I was doing
而是在一个别人知道我在做什么的世界 but in a world where people know what I'm doing
我需要一个博士学位才能在大学任教 I would need a PHD in order to teach at a university
所以我继续学习 最终拿到了我的博士学位 which is why I continued and eventually got my PHD
我是在毕业前不久做这个练习的 I did this exercise just before I graduated
我当时在考虑不同的出路 And I was thinking about different areas to pursue
我想 在一个没有人知道我在做什么的世界里 And I said, what would I do in such a world
我会做什么? where no one would know what I was doing?
我的答案是教书 And the answer to that was I would teach
我的答案是我不会做研究 The answer to that was I would not do research
这是很肯定的 That was very clear
所以那时候我决定放弃争取终身任期 And that's when I decided to get out of the tenure track option
即使当时外界 那些关心我的人 even though there was a lot of pressure on me from the outside
给了我很大的压力 from people who cared about me
他们说"再写两三篇文章 And they said "Look, two or three articles
你就能拿到一个很好的职位 争取终身任期 and you'll get into a great place, and the tenure track
你能做到的 你的博士论文可以发表的" You can do it. You know your PHD, can be published."
但我知道我不想过那样的生活 But I knew that wasn't the life that I wanted to lead
我要为此付出代价吗? 要 Is there a price for it? Yes
其中一个代价就是 I mean one of the price is that, you know
这是我在哈佛的倒数第二节课了 this is my second last class at Harvard
但我想要什么样的世界 But what kind of world
我想过什么样的生活 what kind of life did I want for myself
这个方法帮助我找到了 And that exercise helped me hone on that
你热爱什么? 你真正 What are your passions? What you really
想过的是怎么样的人生? really want to do with your life?
你希望10年 20年后 Where do you see yourself 10 years from now
你会变成什么样? or 20 years from now?
什么对你来说是非常重要的? What's really important for you?
什么对你来说是重要的 What's important for you
就算没有别人的认同 点头 赞扬和欢呼 that you would do regardless of other people's approval
反对或批评 nods, accolades or cheering
你也会做的? or disapproval, or criticism?
你在这样一个世界里会做什么? What would you do in such a world?
这是一个很重要的问题 It's an important question to ask
那些… People who experience
有高度独立型自尊的人会追求他们的兴趣 who have high independent self-esteem pursue their passions
那些追求他们兴趣的人会有更高的自尊 people who pursue their passions enjoy higher levels of self-esteem
那些有很多心流的人 People who enjoy a lot of flow
他们的独立型自尊也会增加 their independent self-esteem will increase as well
问问你自己 "你什么情况下体验过心流? Ask yourself: where do you experience flow?
你什么时候忘我过? 是你读书的时候吗? Where do you lose yourself? Is it when you read?
是坐在 Is it over dinner
你队友旁边吃晚餐时吗? when you are sitting next to your block mates?
是你写作时吗? Is it when you write?
是你站在全班同学前面 Is it when you are standing in front of a class
介绍一个课后活动时吗? speak in an after school program?
你什么时候体验过? When do you experience it?
你以前什么时候感受过心流? 问问你自己 When did you experience it in the past? Ask yourself
因为它最能预测到你未来什么情况下会有心流 Because that very often is the best predictor of future flow
你想过什么样的人生? What kind of life do you want to lead?
你真正想做的是什么? What do you really, really want to do?
有高度独立型自尊的人会付诸行动 People with high independent self-esteem put themselves on the line
他们会应对 不停地加强自己 They cope, they stretch themselves constantly
因为他们总是想学习成长 Because they are always about learning and growing
进步 发挥更大的作用 improving making more of difference
触及更多的人 touching more people
那些应对的人… And people who cope
大家回忆一下 自我知觉理论 remember, self perception theory
那些应对的人 随着时间过去 people who cope over time
会获得更高的独立型自尊 will enjoy higher levels of independent self-esteem
即使他们这样做的时候跌倒过 Even if they fall while doing it
即使失败了四次 even if she says no four times
他们会重新站起来 变得更强大 they get up again and they get stronger
他们的独立型自尊会随着时间增强 And their independent self-esteem strengthens over time
那个图并不是这样子的 The graph doesn't look just like this
起起伏伏 有高有低 the ups and downs with spikes
真正的图是有起有伏 It looks with same ups and downs
但健康 快乐和自尊的走势 but with an upward trajectory of well being
是呈上升趋势的 happiness and self-esteem
谦虚 真诚的谦虚 Humble behavior - genuine humble behavior
我最喜欢的一本书 One of my favorite texts
也是我的文化里最重要的一本书之一 and I think one of the most important texts in my tradition
Pirkei Avos 《先贤箴言》 Pirkei Avos, the Chapter of the Fathers
里面有一句话 There's a sentence there
一句谚语 我读了一遍又一遍 a proverb that I've been reading over and over and over again
但一直都参透不了 and never could understand
直到我听到一个著名的拉比 until I heard an interpretation of a well-known Rabbi
拉比Mitchell Wohlberg 他对句话的解释 Rabbi Mitchell Wohlberg about this interpretation
这句话是这样说的 And here is the sentence
我翻译过来:那些追逐荣誉的人 I'm translating: those who chase after honor
荣誉会躲避他们 honor will run away from them
那些躲避荣誉的人 those who run away from honor
荣誉会追逐他们 honor will chase them
再说一次:那些追… Let me repeat: those who run after
追逐荣誉的人 who chase honor
荣誉会躲避他们 honor will run away from them
那些躲避荣誉的人 those who run away from honor
荣誉会追逐他们 honor will chase them
我一直都参透不了 直到我听到拉比Wohlberg And it didn't make sense to me until I put it in the context
关于自尊的一场演讲 并把它跟这句话结合起来理解 the result of the lecture by Rabbi Wohlberg of self eteem
荣誉的本质是尊敬自己 Honor is essentially honoring the self
相信自己 believing in one self
如果我不停地追逐荣誉 And if I'm constantly about chasing honor
追逐下一个赞扬 下一个奖 the next accolade, the next prize
下一个认同 下一个认可 the next approval, the next validation
荣誉就会躲避我 then honor will run away from me
下一次我就要在更陡的山坡上 And then I'll have to push that stone up steeper
把石头推上去 incline the next time
我继续追逐荣誉 等我到达了山顶 And I continue to chase that honor and I get there
石头又会滚下来 and then the rock rolls back down again
科林斯王就要继续推石头 而山坡变得 And Sisyphus continues on and on with the steep becoming...
越来越陡峭 with the incline becoming steeper
相反 如果我躲避荣誉 言行谦虚 Whereas if I run away from honor - behave humbly
随着时间过去 真正的荣誉 over time honor, true honor
打心底发出的荣誉感就会追逐我 internally generated honor will chase me
行为可以改变态度 Behavior can change attitude
这需要时间 It takes time
重申 一开始 And again at the beginning
正如我之前说过 as I mentioned to you before
我想变得谦虚 我想大家都知道 I wanted to be modest and I wanted everyone to know
我有多谦虚 how modest I was and how humble I was
我明白 And I understood that well
那不是真诚的谦虚 that's not genuine
但我仍然可以保持谦虚的言行 but I can still behave and act in a humble way
随着时间过去 And over time
它就会慢慢地融入我们 it becomes more and more part of who we are
行为不会一夜之间就改变态度 Behavior changing attitude doesn't happen overnight
但这并不意味着一个80岁 And again it doesn't mean that a person at 80
完成进化 实现自我的人 不会追寻荣誉 who is evolved and actualized does not look for honor at all
当他们被赞扬时 不会觉得高兴 does not feel good when he or she is praised
那是很自然的 是人的天性 That's natural - part of who we are
以下这个知识点很重要 This is an important one
我们在班上经常讲简化生活 We've talked about it a lot in the class about simplifying
那… The...
我经常想 为什么在一个 I've often wondered the why is it that in a county
像美国这样的国家里 like the United States
一个追崇个人主义 自为更生的国家 such an individualistic country - self-reliance
大家在高中时读了爱默生 most of you read it in high school by Emerson
那么多关于个人主义和自我的书 so much about individualism and the self
为什么你们还是那么随波逐流? why is it that there's such high levels of conformity?
为什么有那么多人还是走 Why is it that so many people go on the path
以前很多人已经走过的路? that has been already taken and prescribed by others?
这并不意味着走这条路的人都是随波逐流的 That doesn't mean that everyone who goes on the path conforms
再一次 你可能很循规蹈矩 Again, you can be highly conforming
选择做一个顾问或者在流浪者之家 choosing to work as a consultant or choosing to be a volunteer
做自愿者 at a homeless shelter
你可能是取决于他人的 也可能是取决于自我的 You can be equally other determined or equally self determined
重点不在于选哪条路 It's not about choosing a particular path
重点是为什么 But why did I
我们会看到这么多随波逐流的人? why do we see so many people who conform?
我想这是因为他们的成长教育 And I think it's because of their right raise
我想是因为美国人 I think it's because people in the United States
或者普遍来说 西方世界 Western world in general
没有花足够的时间来反省 do not take enough time to reflect
思考这样的问题: and to think about those questions such as
"我真正想过的人生是怎样的?" "what do I reall, really want to do with my life?
问这样的问题: to ask questions such as
"在一个没有人知道我在做什么的世界里 "what would I do in a world where no one would know
我会做什么?" what I was doing?"
用三问法来问自己 意义 to go through the three question process - the meaning
"什么有意义?" "什么让我快乐?" "what is meaningful?"; "what is pleasurable?"
"我喜欢什么?" "我擅长什么?" "what do I enjoy?"; and "what am I good at?"
"我的强项是什么?" "What are my strengths?"
问自己这些问题 To go through these questions and to ask
问这些重要的问题 those important questions
因为当我们退后一步 慢慢思考 because when we take a step back and take the time
这时我们才能变成自我 that's when we become ourselve
我们才能找到适合我们的道路 that's when we identify the path that is right for me
我想用一个阶段模型来给大家讲解 Let me illustrate this by showing you a stage model
这是以Daniel Gilbert的研究为基础的 And this is based on the work of Daniel Gilbert
与他的认知晕眩研究有间接关系 indirectly refers to it his work on cognitive dizziness
他和其他人的研究发现 And what he and others have shown is that
当人的认知忙乱时 当他们匆匆忙忙时 people behave very differently when they are cognitively busy
他们的行为会非常不同于 when they are in a hurry
当他们慢慢花时间 versus when they have time
专心思考一下他们所做的事时 they can focus on whatever it is that they are doing
也跟Tim Kasser的时间充裕研究有关 So also connected to Tim Kasser's work on time affluence
第一个段阶是我们没有时间的阶段 So the first stage is the stage where we don't have time
我们很赶时间 匆匆忙忙 we are in a hurry; we are rushed
我们的反应是无意识的 our reaction is automatic
在这个阶段 我们会随波逐流 This is the part where we conform
我们会遵从群体 This is time when we conform to the group
就像Asch做的实验那样 as in the Asch experiments
在这个阶段 当那个穿白袍的人 this is when we conform to the man with a white coat
告诉我们实验必须继续时 我们会遵从 telling us the experiment must go on
我们会按下按钮 电击一个无辜的人 And we push the button and shock an innocent victim
在这个阶段我们会随波逐流地服从 This is where conformity to obedience
服从群体 conformity to a group is
当我们没有时间时 when we don't have time
当我们匆忙时 when we are busy
当我们不认真思考 when we don't really think about
我们想做什么 可以做什么时 what it is that we want to do and can do
这是依赖的自我 第一阶段 This is our dependent self - stage one
通常这时我们会到达第二阶段 We very often at this moment can reach stage two
不用等很久 don't need to wait a long time
这时 如果我们慢慢来 At this moment, if we take the time
因为如果我们慢慢来 because when we take the time
这时我们就开始有意识思考 that's when we engage in deliberate reflection
把思考与行为结合起来 combining reflection and action
这时候我们会想我们做的事 where we think about what we do
想我们想的事 we think about what we think
我们慢慢来 We take our time
这个阶段的自我是自主的 This is where the self is autonomous
这时候独立型自尊出现了 this is where the independent self-esteem emerges
当我们慢慢来时 when we have the time
我们随波逐流的可能性就会减低 That's where we are much less likely to conform
这时我们会培养 that's when we are cultivating
表达我们独立的核心自我 and expressing our independent core self
想想接下来的一个实验 Think of the, of the following experiment
今天做不了 很可惜 It cannot be done today unfortune... Well
其实也不可惜 I mean it's not unfortunate
今天做不了 but it cannot be done today
这个实验其实是重复Milgram的实验 但有一个改动 And that is to retry the Milgram experiment with one difference
大家想象一下 有些同学熟悉Milgram实验 Imagine this - some of you know the Milgram experiment
我们在班上已经讲过了 We've spoken about it here
你坐在椅子里 手放在按钮上 You are sitting on the chair with your hand on the buttons
或者在你面前有一个控制台 Or in front of you, you have the panel
你选择60伏电压 And you go up to sixty volts
那个学习者没有什么反应 And there's no real reaction from the other person, the learner
你上升到75伏 And you go up to 75 volts
增加了15伏 a 15 volt increment
你升高到120伏 那个被电击的人 And you get to 120 volts and the confederate
你觉得他真的被电击了 whom you think is really being shocked
他说"哎哟 很痛" says "Ouch! That hurts"
你抬起头看那个穿白袍的人 And you go and you look up at the person with the white coat
他说"实验必须继续" and he says to you "the experiment must go on"
你继续提高电压 那个人被电得尖叫 And you go up and up; and the person is screaming
告诉你他要心脏病发了 and telling you he has a heart condition
你抬头看实验人员 And you look up at the experimenter
他看起来就像那样 who looks like this
他告诉你…我之前一直没注意过他 And he tells you - I never noticed him until now
很高兴我从没注意过他 I'm glad I've never noticed him
他跟你说"实验必须继续" He says to you "the experiment must go on"
你继续 And you go on
那些人开始大哭起来 And they start to whimper and say
"我有心脏病 快放我出去" "I have a heart condition, Get me out of here!"
你抬头看 And you look up
实验人员说 And the experimenter says
"没有答案是错误的答案 "no answer is wrong answer
提高电压 实验必须继续 Raise the voltage. The experiment must go on."
这时63%的参与者会把电压提高到350伏 Now 63 percent of participants went above 350 volt
超过那个人所能承受的水平 which is beyond the level where the person was not even heard anymore
他们继续电击到 直到XXX点 They continue to shock them until the point of xxx
超过了危险水平 beyond the very dangerous
因为他告诉他们 实验必须继续 because he told them that the experiment must go on
现在想象一下 同样的实验 但有一个小小的改动 Now imagine the same experiment with a slight difference
你用75伏电压电他们 他们说 You give them 75 volts and they say
"哎哟 很痛" "Ouch! That hurts"
然后实验人员告诉你 And then the experimenter tells you
"实验必须继续 "The experiment must go on
不如你先休息15分钟" Why don't you come back in 15 minutes"
你出去15分钟 And you go out for 15 minutes
等你回来时 And you come back again
这时是90伏 And it's now at 90
假设你提高到120伏 And you go up - let's say - you go up to 120
120伏 那个人在尖叫 And 120, the person is screaming
"放我出去 你们没权把我关在这里" "Get me out of here! You have no right to keep me here!"
你抬头看实验人员 他告诉你 And you look up at the experimenter and the experimenter says
"实验必须继续 "The experiment must go on
不如你先休息15分钟?" But why don't you take a 15 minute break?"
你们认为这时会怎么样 What do you think would happen
如果这些人电击人之前有15分钟的时间休息? if people were given 15 minute breaks between shocks?
你认为会有63%的人会把电压提高到超过危险水平吗? Do you think 63 percent would go to extremely dangerous and beyond?
很可能不会 因为在这15分钟里 Probably not, because during these 15 minutes
我们不再处于热态 we are no longer in a hot state
而是处于冷态 but rather in a cold state
这是引用George Loewenstein的话 the words of George Loewenstein
当他们处于冷态时 他们会想 When they are in a cold state, they'll think
"我疯了吗? 我在这里干什么?" "Am I out of my mind? What am I doing here?"
他们会去打电话报警 And they will go and call the police
而不是15分钟后再走进去 as opposed to going back 15 minutes later and
"好的 现在我愿意杀了他们" "Ok, now I'm willing to kill them"
因为他们在这个实验里就是以为自己杀了这些人 which is essentially what they presumably did in that experiment
如果他们没有那15分钟 But when they didn't have those 15 minutes
而是"实验必须继续" when it was "the experiment must go on"
"实验必须继续" "the experiment must go on"
他们就会继续 it went on
他们会为失去自我付出代价 And they paid a price of losing themselves
我们的现代生活也是这样 And this is what happens to us in modern life
当然后果没有Milgram的实验 not with such dire consequences
那么可怕 potentially could have been with Milgram
而且在现代 即使我们服从权威 and we are not doing immoral things
我们也没做什么不道德的事 as the cases with obedience to authority
但通常我们会伤害到自己 But we are hurting ourselves very often
因为我们随波逐流 遵从主流 because we are running around and we are conforming
我们做别人认为我们该做的事 and we are doing what they think we should do
我们做那把声音叫我们做的事 we are doing what that voice or voices are telling us to do
我们没有做自己想做的事 We are not doing what we are meant to be doing
你们知道我认为这门课最重要的部分是什么吗? You know what I think the most important part of this class?
是课堂和课后作业 Its sections and response papers
我这么说不是因为谦虚 This is not out of modesty
没错 我想你们觉得我谦虚 yes, I want you to think that I'm modest
但这不是我 but that's not why I'm
这么说的原因 why I'm saying it
而是因为这时候你们有时间思考 It's because that is when you get the time to reflect
和你们的助教讨论 to talk about it with your teaching fellows
和你们的同学讨论 with your fellow students
思考 to think about it
你们被迫用额外时间来思考 You are "forced" to take a timeout
这时你们坐下写课后作业 It's when you sit down and write those response papers
回答我提出的问题 about these questions that I mentioned
这时你们真正的独立自我浮现了 it's when your real autonomous shining self comes ou
这时你跟朋友谈这门课 it's when you talk to your friends about this class
或者在食堂跟队友分享 or your block mates in the dining hall
这时你有时间和你的父母分享 when you take the time to share with your parents
这是独立自我就出现了 That's when it is happening
最后 正直 Finally, integrity
Nathaniel Branden Nathaniel Branden
Nathaniel Branden和他的很多病人这样做过 他是心理治疗师 Nathaniel Branden did this with many of his clients - he's a therapist
他叫病人来 告诉他们 where he would bring them in and tell them
"好的 下周 暂停 "Ok, for the next week, stop
不能说谎 要完全诚实坦白" No lies, Be fully integrated; be fully honest"
他发现这个方法 尤其是对于那些 And what he found was when he applies to especially people
会撒一点谎的病人来说 who would lie a little bit more
能够提高他们的自尊 that enhanced their self esteem
我记得在1996年 96或97年 I remember back in 1996 - I think it was 96 or 97
克林顿弹劾案正在审判 when the whole Clinton impeachment trial was going on
CNN请来DePaulo On CNN they brought on DePaulo
她是维珍尼亚大学的一位教授 she is a professor at University of Virginia
她专门研究说谎 and she does research on lying
他们采访了她 那是第一次 And they interviewed her and it was the first time
我接触到她的研究 that I was exposed to her work
她在CNN上说她的研究发现 And she said on CNN that her research shows that
基本上所有人都说谎 很多时候都是一些小谎 basically everyone lies - many times little lies
为了让别人觉得自己很厉害 intended to impress others
很多时候是大谎 many times, bigger lies
她发现 And what she found was that
人平均每天说三个谎 people lie in average 3 times a day
当我听到的时候 And when I heard it
我轻笑了一声 I scoffed, I said
"也许其他人每天说三次谎 "Wel, maybe other people lie three times a day
但我不说谎" I don't lie"
我解释一下为什么说我不撒谎 And let me explain to you why I don't lie
这是真的 And this is true
因为我读大学时写的毕业论文 Because I wrote my senior thesis in college
就是说诚实是会带来好处的 on the concept of honesty pays
我当时既学心理也学哲学 I was a joint philosophy and psychology concentrator
我对道德 自尊 动机感兴趣 was interested in ethics, self esteem, motivation
我根据研究 And what I showed based on research
根据亚里士多德 亚当·史密斯的哲学著作 based on philosophical works by Aristotle, by Adam Smith
发现每次我们说谎 欺骗 不诚实时 that we pay a high psychological and emotional price whenever we lie
要付出巨大的 whenever we cheat
心理和情绪代价 whenever we are dishonest
所以我跟自己说 And then I said to myself
"让我试试DePaulo的方法" "But let me try DePaulo's exercise."
她的方法就是叫人讲完一段对话后 What she does is have people evaluate their conversations
马上评估有哪些是真的 有哪些是说谎的 for honest or dishonest content right after it finishes
趁他们还清楚记得 so when it's still fresh in their mind
自己说过什么 what they talked about
他们会写一本日记 So they keep a journal
完全匿名的 which is completely anonymous
所以我想 So I said
"我会写 虽然我不说谎" "But I'm gonna do , even though I don't lie"
因为我知道说谎的后果 because I know the consequences of lying
因为我的论文就是写这个的 because I wrote my thesis on it
我是诚实这个课题的专家 I'm an expert on honesty
我说我会写日记的 I said I'll still do it
因为我想实验一下 Cause I like to try experiments
就在我写日记的期间 As it happens
有一天晚上我出去约会 I went on a date that night
一个我没见过的人 不是Arianna someone whom I never met before - was not Arianna
是我妈妈给我介绍的 someone that was whom my mom set me up with
我妈和她妈说我们在同一间学校 My mom and her mom talked together in the same school
然后我听说了她的一些很棒的事迹 And I heard wonderful things about her
我很激动 I was very excited
我们见了面以后就更加激动了 and became even more excited when we met
我们坐下来 吃饭聊天 很愉快 And we were sitting down and having a lovely dinner and talking
她是一个经济学家 And she is an economist
非常成功的经济学家 very successful economist
她问我是做什么的 And she asked me what I was doing
我告诉她我是心理学家 and I told her that I was a psychologist
我用我全部的心理知识在她面前表现自己 And I was really impressing her with all my knowledge of psychology
她说"我也对心理学感兴趣" And she said:"You know I'm also interested in psychology."
我说"这一定会很顺利" And I said:"This is going really well"
我自己心里说的 不是跟她说 To myself, not to her
我学到了教训 刚开始约会时不要说这样的话 I learned not to say those things on earlier dates
我们坐下来… So we were sitting down and - you know
要学会失败 learn to fail
我们坐下来聊天 So we were sitting down and talking
然后她说 Then she said
"我刚读到一个心理学家的著作" "Oh, you know,I just read about the psychologist"
她说了这个人的名字 And she said the name
非常著名的一个心理学家 you know, it's a very famous psychologis
"你听说过他吧?" "You know him,right?"
我完全不知道 Now I didn't have the faintest clue who was she
她说的是谁 完全不知道 who she was talking about - no idea
我记得我呆了一下 And I remember pausing for a second
微笑地看着她 and looking at her and just smiling
"嗯嗯" "Hmm, mHmmm"
然后我们继续聊 And the conversation continued to flow
我没有注意到自己说谎了 Now I would not have noticed this
但后来我回到家 except for the fact that afterwards I went home
回想这次的对话 and went over the conversation
我说"慢着 我刚才跟她说谎了" Then I said "Hey wait a minut, I just lied to her!"
从那时起 And ever since then
我就经常这么做 我指的是说谎 I've been doing this regularly - lying that is
不 我经常这么做 No, I've been doing this regularly
从那时起 Ever since then
我就坚持磨练自己的正直 I've been keeping doing the integrity exercise
用DePaulo说的方法 that DePaulo talks about
用Nathaniel Branden说的方法 that Nathaniel Branden talks about
非常留意我说的话 to be very conscious about my conversations
我这么说是为了表现自己 Am I just saying things to impress
而说的假话吗? which are not authentic?
我是不是说了小谎? Am I having those little lies?
因为你们要明白 当我们说实话时 Because you see, when we are telling the truth
我们给自己传达了一个信息 the message that we communicate to ourselves
我们给自己传达的信息是 the message that we communicate to ourselves
我的话是有价值的 is that my words are worthy
我的话很重要 我很重要 my words are important; I matter
当我们不说实话时 And when we don't do that
当我们说谎时 when we tell lies
或者我们想不停地表现自己时 or we are about impressing constantly
我们是在说"这样的我不够好" we are saying "I'm not good enough as I am."
我需要成为另一个人 让别人来喜欢我 I need to be someone else so that the other person likes
我需要知道这个心理学家 I need to know that psychologist
不然她就不会喜欢我 because otherwise she won't like me
而不是做真实的自己 instead of being authentic and real
选择被认同而不是被了解 instead of being known rather than validated
用这个方法坚持一周 and doing it and being conscious of it for a week at a time
直到行为改变了我们的态度 until the behavior changes our attitude
我开始更重视我的话 and I begin to value my words much more
当我跟自己传达 我是谁 when I communicate myself - who I am
而不是想着让别人觉得自己很厉害时 rather than trying to impress others
当我肯定自己时 When I assert myself
当我时不时地说"不"时 when I say no at times
这样我就能简化我的生活 so that I can simplify my life a little bit
当我该说是的时候说是 when I say yes when it's appropriate
即使这个"是"不是很受欢迎 even it's not the most popular yes in the world
但我应该这样说 but it's right for me
还要从时间和空间上把这个方法扩展开来 And it's about expanding it in time as well as in space
首先从我自己开始 It is started first of all by myself
为什么写日记这么有用? why does journaling help so much?
为什么有移情心的治疗师 Why does therapy with an empathic therapist
他们的治疗这么有效? why does it work so well?
因为我们活出了自我 Because we are ourselves
我们没有想着在治疗师面前表现自己 we don't try impress the therapist
一段时间后 我们打开心扉 After a while we open up
我们没有想着在日记里表现自己 We don't try to impress our journal
我们活出了自我 We are ourselves
从让我们感觉良好的日记扩展到 And expanding it from our journal which makes us feel good
亲近的关系和人 to close relationships, to others
从一天一次对话中练习正直 from doing it one day one conversation at a time
到坚持一周 然后坚持一生 to a week of integrity treatment so to speak to lifelong
想象一下 过这样的生活 Imagine leading this life
当你不用再不停地表达或表现自己时 how freed up do we feel when you no longer need to express
我们会感到多自由 or impress ourselves constantly
我们能够被了解 where we can just be known
能够活出自我 where we can just be ourselves
这样会多轻松 how much lighter
多有力量 how much more power
我们会觉得多正直和真实 how much more integrity and authenticity we will experience
我们会多快乐? how much happier will we be?
我想在下课前读一段Melissa Christino的日记 I want to end by reading you an excerpt from Melissa Christino's journal
是她在她的毕业论文中引用的 which she cited in her senior thesis
当然这是得到她允许的 This, of course is with her permission
Melissa Christino是哈佛本科毕业生 2002届 Melissa Christino was an undergraduate here, class of 2002
她是这样写的 And this is what she writes
"你真正的潜力 "Your true potential lies way
埋藏在你的灵魂深处 way down in the depths of your soul...
在你腹部最底处 in the pit of your stomach
在你的知识和紧张触及不到的地方 past your knowledge, beyond your nervousness
埋藏在你的恐惧和焦虑之下 and buried under your fears and anxieties
虽然它隐藏起来了 As hidden as it may be
但它还在那里 it is still there
我知道 因为我以前感受过它的存在 I know it's there because I've felt it before
我知道别人也有 and I know it's there in others too
因为我见过别人做过奇迹一般的事 because I've seen others perform miracles
我们体内都有一股无可匹敌的潜力 散发着微弱的光芒 There is a faint glow of unparalleled potential in all of us
当我们找到它时 它就会发出万丈光芒" and when we find it — it shine."
我们每个人都有这丝微光 It's there in each and every one of us - this glow
如果我们助长它 培养它 它就会壮大 And if we feed it, if we cultivate it, it grows
它就会壮大到超越自己 And it grows to the level that expands beyond the self
这时候 像Warren Bennis这样的人 where people like Warren Bennis
像曼德拉这样的人 where people like Nelson Mandela
像Anita Roddick这样的人 where people like Anita Roddick
像特蕾莎修女这样的人 他们的存在 people like mother Teresa - just their presence
他们的存在 就能为别人散发光芒 just their presence, their being shines a light onto others
现在我想这样做 So what I'd like you to do now
只剩四分钟 we have 4 more minute
我想这样做 here's what I'd like to do now
我会放一首歌给大家听 I'm going to play a song for yo
通常我会在上课前放的 usually played at the beginning
但今天我想在最后才放 I want to play it at the end today
如果你们喜欢的话 If you feel comfortable
可以闭上眼睛 听歌词 you can close your eyes and listen to the words of the song
它们对你有什么意义 and what they mean to you
对你的生活有什么意义 what they mean in the context of your life
所以如果你们喜欢 So if you feel comfortable
闭上眼睛听 close your eyes, and listen
听听以下的歌词 really listen to the following words
我就是我 [SONG: Gloria Gaynor "I Am What I Am"]
我独一无二 I am what I am
看我一眼 I am my own special creation
对我嗤之以鼻 So come take a look
或为我鼓掌 Give me the hook
这是我的世界 Or the ovation
我想拥有一点骄傲 It's my world
我的世界 That I want to have a little pride in
在这里我不用躲藏 My world
生命毫无价值 And it's not a place I have to hide in
直到你能说 Life's not worth a damn
我就是我 Till you can say
睁开眼睛 I am what I am
来吧 上来 Open your eyes!
我就是我 C'mon! Get up
好的 我们下去 I am what I am
和他们一起跳 All right. Let's go down