嗨 大家好 我叫Megan Student:Hi,everyone.My name is Meghan.
课后我们会进行一个非常有趣的研究 And we were running a really fun study
有关内观自省与知见 right after class about mindfulness and vision.
时间不会超过10到15分钟 It shouldn't take more than 10 to 15 minutes.
我们需要至少60个人 所以如果你有兴趣 So if you are interested,we need more than 60 people.
请课后到教室前面来 So just come up to the front after class.
不会耽搁很久的 真的很有趣 谢谢 And it won't take a long time.It's really fun.Thank you.
掌声 (Applause)
你们都听过格特鲁德·斯泰因的这个故事 Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar:You know this story about Gertrude Stein.
她那时上William James的哲学课 And she was taking philosophy class with William James,
就在哈佛拉德克利夫学院 right here in the Art.
要期末考试了 她上的是春季班 And they had their final exam.And it was spring semester course.
她来到考场 就跟今天一样是个晴朗的日子 And she comes into the exam.And it's a day like today.
考试的内容是形而上学及生命的意义 And the exam is about metaphysics,and the meaning of life.
于是她打开试卷 写道 So she opens the exam and writes,
"多么美好的一天 不应该浪费在考试上" "Today is too beautiful a day to take an exam."
然后走出了教室 And she walks out.
而且传说 And you know,as legend has it of course,
William James的课程她全A通过 she gets a straight A in William James' class.
本学期考试时 Don't use that as an example or an excuse
不要学她 或者拿她当借口 later on in this semester.
不过我真的很感谢各位今天出席 But I really appreciate you being here today.
今天天气非常好 It is a beautiful day.
我想过要到户外上课的 I was thinking of having the class outside,
不过…也许我们应该去的 是的 but I think - maybe we should.Yeah.
今天我们要讲完爱情 What we are going to do today is finish up on relationships -
还差一点就讲完了 we have just a little to go,
然后我们会开始讲本课程最后一个话题 and then start with our final topic for the course,
也就是自尊 which is self-esteem.
先回顾一下上回讲到的关于爱情的内容 So let me just recap what we did when we discussed relationships.
我们讲到了人类要如何…考虑到人的本性 So we talked about how do we - given our natures,
人类要如何获得 维持长久的爱情与激情 how do we attain,how do we sustain lasting love,
因为从心理学角度看 lasting passion when it seems on the physiological level at least
这似乎有违人的本性 that our natures are not attuned to that approach.
当我们讲到研究那些最成功的恋情时 And we talked about - when studying the best relationships,
最成功的恋情有四个特点 the "tip of the stem" - four characteristics,
根据David Schnarch和John Gottman的研究发现的 based on the work of David Schnarch and John Gottman.
第一条是 经营爱情需要付出努力 The first one is: relationship is the hard work.
人们往往误以为 It's an illusion to think that
寻找合适的爱情对象是最重要的 the most important thing is finding the right relationship;
其实更重要的是如何经营你选择的爱情 it is more important to cultivate that one chosen relationship.
就跟工作一样 如果我们找到了梦想中的工作 And just like we would not thrive,succeed at work,
然后翘起腿 什么也不做 if we said,"Well,I just found my dream job,"
是不可能成功的 and then put our legs up and relax;
同样的 如果我们在一段恋情中抱有寻找心态 similarly we would not thrive in a relationship,
我们的恋情也不会成功 if we have the finding mindset -
以为只要找到爱情就能幸福地生活下去 we just need to find it and we will live happily ever after,
我们说过 电影结束时 正是爱情刚开始时 as we talked about movies and where love begins.
一段健康长久充满激情的爱情 The second component of a healthy,
第二个组成部分 跟第一个有关联 lasting and passionate relationship related to the first one
我们要被了解 而不是被认可 is the notion of being known rather than being validated,
表达自己 而不是粉饰自己 坦开心扉 expressing rather than impressing,being open,
坦诚自己的弱点 优点 渴望 revealing our weaknesses as well as our strengths,our desires,
热情 恐惧与不安 our passions,our fears and insecurities.
这样的爱情 And relationships that do,
恋爱中的双方如果这样做了 or partners that do that within a relationship,
会渐渐变得更加亲密 更加快乐 over time attain higher and higher levels of intimacy,happiness,
感情更好 激情不哀 and they thrive,and they remain - maintain their passion.
这是第二个组成部分 That's the second component.
健康爱情的第三个组成部分是 The third component of a healthy relationship is that
冲突是不可避免的 there are conflicts there.
人们往往误以为 It is an illusion to believe that
理想的爱情没有冲突 the ideal relationship is one that is conflict free
这是不可能的 that doesn't exist,
除非双方都在刻意躲避严重问题 unless both partners are suppressing serious issues.
所以爱情中时有冲突发生 So there are conflicts in relationships.
当然在一段恋情中 我们的挑战就是要 The challenge is to have more positivity than negativity
让积极的大于消极的 of course in a relationship,
而且要学会如何应对分歧 but also to learn how to be in the midst of disagreement,
应对冲突 how to have conflict.
最后 And finally,
第四点是积极认知 the fourth point that we talked about was positive perception;
要做优点感知者 不仅如此 being a benefit finder,and more than that,
还要创造优点 being a benefit creator.
我快快回顾一遍 I want to just go back quickly
然后细讲一些上回没说的东西 and elaborate on something that I didn't last time
关于爱情中的冲突 about the conflict or conflicts within a relationship.
我觉得我读过的 I think the most important essay,
关于爱情最重要的文章 article that I read about relationships in general
是艾默生的《论友谊》 was the article on friendship by Ralph Waldo Emerson,
发表于1841年 published in a84a.
艾默生在其中写了他理想的朋友 And What Emerson writes about is his ideal friend.
我来读一段 Let me quote him.
他说 "在朋友身上 He says,"in a friend,
我寻找的不是盲目的让步 what I am looking for is not a mush of concessions,
对我千依百顺的人 a person who would agree with everything that I say;
我寻找的是一个美丽的敌人 rather what I'm looking for is a beautiful enemy,
能挑战我 敦促我 a person who will challenge me,who will push me,
帮助我寻求真相" who will help me in my apprenticeship to the truth."
美丽的敌人 多美的描述 A beautiful enemy - what a beautiful phrase.
没有冲突的爱情 A conflict free relationship is
就没有美丽的敌人 where there are no beautiful enemies.
美丽的敌人是指因为爱我们 A beautiful enemy is a person who loves us,
关心我们 所以要跟我们针锋相对的人 who cares about us enough to challenge us,enough to disagree.
问问你自己 你想找的 And ask yourself what kind of friend,
是什么样的朋友或伴侣 是百依百顺的好好先生或太太吗? what kind of romantic partner would you like? A yes man or woman?
还是一个诚恳待人 Or a person who would be honest,
直言规劝的诤友 would have high levels of integrity?
理想的朋友 理想的伴侣 是什么样的? What is the ideal friend? What is the ideal partner?
有趣的是 You know it's interesting
美丽敌人这一概念最早可以追溯到 this whole idea of beautiful enemy goes way back
西方世界 it goes back to the most influential text
最有影响力的文本 即圣经 in certainly the Western world,which is the Bible.
在创世纪中 上帝看到男人独居 In Genesis,God sees that man is alone.
于是为他造一个配偶帮助他 一个女人 helpmeet So he creates a help meet for him,a woman.A helpmeet.
helpmeet这个词是什么意思? 这是钦定版圣经的翻译 What does that phrase mean? This is the King James translation.
如果你看希伯来原文 Well,if you look at it in the Hebrew,original,
"helpmeet"的原文是"ezer kenegdoor" 对立的帮助 "helpmeet" is "ezer kenegdoor",or help as opposition.
也就是说 helpmeet中meet的意思 In other words,the helpmeet translation,the meet part,M-E-E-T,
类似运动会的会 也就是竞争 is like athletic meet,like a competition.
不是指帮助并取得共识 而是对立的帮助 Not helping and they meet together - it's help as opposition.
所以那时人们已经注意到 理想的爱情 And already then that it was notices the ideal relationship
不是一帆风顺 没有冲突的 is not one which is all smooth,conflict free;
而是有阻力的 it is one where there is some resistance.
这种阻力就是Gottman曾经谈到… And it's this resistance that Gottman talked about in the - or
本世纪一直谈到的 对于健康的爱情关系 he is talking about in the 2ast century that it is so important,
非常重要且关键的 so critical for a healthy relationship,a beautiful enemy,
一个美丽的敌人 对立的帮助 help as opposition,helpmeet,
当然还要有积极的态度 again with a lot of positivity in the relationship as well.
我们继续讲积极认知 So we move on,and just finish up on positive perception.
我想给大家放一段视频 是我最爱电影的片段 I want to show you an excerpt from one of my favorite movie
我认为这部影片是心理学领域 as I think it's one of the best movies certainly
最成功的一部影片 《尽善尽美》 in the realm of psychology ever made,from As Good As it Gets.
这段视频中海伦.亨特告诉杰克.尼克尔森 And here is the part where Holly Hunter tells Jack Nicholson
他最好称赞一下她 that he'd better give her a compliment
而且要称赞得很好听 and it'd better be a good compliment.
否则她就马上离开 Because if it is not,she's getting up and leaving.
他之前刚说了非常冒犯她的话 He just said something very offensive to her.
于是他对他爱的女人这么说 So here is what he has to say to the woman he loves.
(视频:电影《尽善尽美》片段) [VIDEO: CLIP FROM AS GOOD AS IT GETS]
好了 现在 我是有些称赞你的话 而且都是真心话 OK,now I've got a really great compliment for you,and it's true.
我担心你会说出很难听的话 I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
悲观可不是你的风格 Don't be pessimistic.It's not your style.
好了 我要说了:确实 我错了 Okay,here I go: Clearly,a mistake.
我得了 怎么说…小毛病? I've got this,what - ailment?
我的医生 我常去看的心理医生… My doctor,a shrink that I used to go to all the time,
说五到六成的病例… he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases,
服药就会有效 a pill really helps.
我憎恨吃药 药很危险 恨死了 I hate pills,very dangerous thing,pills.Hate.
我说药时用的是"恨死了" 恨死了 I'm using the word "hate" here,about pills.Hate.
我想称赞你的是 My compliment is,
那天晚上当你来我家 告诉我你决不会… that night when you came over and told me that you would never...
好吧 你当时在场 说过什么你知道 All right,well,you were there,you know what you said.
我要恭维你的是… Well,my compliment to you is,
第二天早晨我开始服药 the next morning,I started taking the pills.
这算哪门子的称赞 I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
你使我想成为更好的男人 You make me want to be a better man.
这是我这辈子听过最好听的称赞 That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
也许过头了 Well,maybe I overshot a little,
因为我只想着不让你走出去 because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
这就是创造优点的本质 Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar:This is the essence of benefit creating.
你使我想成为更好的男人 更好的女人 You make me want to be a better man,a better woman,
一个更好的人 a better person.
你使我想自愿洗餐具做家务 You make me want to do the dishes as well.
那我们该怎么做?如何让爱情关系或伴侣 What do we do then? How do we get a relationship
关注积极正面的东西 or partners in relationships to focus on the positive,
关注优点 创造优点? to focus on the benefit,to focus on creating more good there?
这就得回到第一堂课的内容 Well we are going back to the very first lesson,very first class-
也就是提问的重要性 and that is the importance of questions.
记得 提问是探求的开始 Remember,questions begin a quest.
当我们问问题时 When we ask certain question,
会留意到以往忽视的东西 we see certain things that we didn't see before.
我们问问题时 When we ask certain question,
也会忽视一些现实情况 we are also avoiding or not seeing part of reality
还记得几何图形吗 remember the geometric shapes.
你们只看到了图形 没留意颜色 It's all you saw - you didn't see colors;
没看到公车上的孩子 you didn't see children on the bus;
大多数人没看到钟 most of you did not see the clock.
在爱情关系中 And very often in relationships,
我们在蜜月期之后常问的问题是 the questions that we ask after the honey moon is:
"出什么问题了 怎么会这样 怎么改进?" "What's wrong? What happened? Or what can be improved?"
重申 And again,
这些问题很重要 出发点是好的 these are important questions with very good intentions.
但是我们回避或忽视了一些重要的现实 But we just avoid or don't see an important part of reality.
我们需要问的问题 So the questions that we need to ask
应该是积极的 are also the positive questions,
能让我们看到公车上的孩子的问题 the questions that will allow us to see the children on the bus.
我的伴侣有哪些优点 让我觉得感激 What am I grateful for in my partner?
经常这么问问自己很重要 And it's important to do that always,
尤其是遇到矛盾时 especially during difficult times,
因为总有些东西值得欣赏 because there's always something to appreciate.
如果我们不懂得欣赏 那优点就会贬值 And if we don't appreciate that thing,the good depreciates,
这个道理对我们国家 组织 whether it applying to our country,to our organization,
爱情及自己同样适用 to our relationship as well as to ourselves.
第二个积极正面的问题是 Second positive question:
我们的关系有什么美妙之处 What is wonderful about our relationships? What's working?
我们怎么会走到一起的? Why are we together in the first place?
我爱她 他 我们的哪一点?有哪些好的方面? What do I love about him,her,us? What's good?
我们问"哪些好的方面"时 我们就看到了好的方面 And when we ask what's good,that's when we perceive it.
当我们看到 欣赏这些好的方面时 它就增值了 And when we perceive it,when we appreciate it,it appreciates.
我们并不感到惊讶 It's not a surprise that
上周看到的统计数据显示 the statistics are as they are what we saw last time,
大多数恋情都是苟延残喘 that most relationships flounder,
即使勉强在一起 也没有什么感情可言 and even those stay together don't really thrive.
这不是巧合 No,it's no coincidence.
这是因为我们问的大多数问题 It's because of most of the questions that we asked
虽然意图是好的 again,with good intentions.
当然了 没人谈恋爱 No one has the intentions certainly
是为了分手 或原地踏步 not going into a relationship to end it or not to thrive in it.
但是我们问的大多数问题 But most of the questions that we asked,
我们受到的教育让我们问的问题 that we are taught to ask are the ones
都集中在几何图形上 that focus on the metaphorical geometric shapes.
我们要做的是 换一个角度来探索这个问题 And what we need to do is open up a new quest,no opportunity,
看到那些一直都在 see things that are there all along
但却被我们忽略了的东西 that we simply have overlooked.
引用Robert M.Pirsig Again,the quote from Robert M.
在《万里任禅游》的一句话 Pirsig,Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance:
我们常常追寻真相 so often we look for the truth
当真相叩响我们的大门时 and the truth comes and knocks on our door.
我们却说 "走开 我寻求的是真相" And we say to it,"Go away! I'm looking for the truth."
事实上 真相往往就在我们眼前 Very often it's right in front of us.
我们要做的就是仔细看 All we need to do is look.
而引导我们注意到 And one way to look,one way to guide our attention toward
眼前的东西的一个方法 what is right in front of us
就是提出积极正面的问题 is by asking also the positive questions.
好了 目前我们讲了哪些 OK,so what do we have? What do we have so far?
创造积极的爱情关系 In terms of creating a more positive relationship,
做一个优点创造者 in terms of being a benefit creator,
我们要关注潜能 we want to focus on the potential.
还有一件事我们能做到 And there's one more thing,one more thing that we can do.
也就是多沟通积极正面事件 And that is communicating about positive events.
这是加利福尼亚大学的Shelly Gable研究 This is taken from the work of Shelly Gable from UCLA
在我看来 她做了积极心理学领域里 who's done to my mind the most important work
与爱情关系课题有关的最重要的研究 in the area of positive psychology as it relates to relationships
有很多研究 You see there is a lot of research
是关于消极沟通的 that has been done on negative communication,
什么意思呢 我们上节课讲过如何处理分歧 meaning - what we saw last time - how do you disagree,
不要把分歧上升到认知层面 so rather have a cognitive disagreement
不要把分歧恶化为情感上的分裂 rather than an affective or emotional disagreement
要针对实在的行为 focus on the substance,focus on the behavior,
而不是针对人和感情 rather than on the person,on the emotions.
我们知道 So we know that
有很多关于组织行为学 there's a lot of research on organizational behavior
及婚恋咨询的研究 and couples counseling research and so on.
但对情侣间积极沟通的研究 There has been almost no research done
几乎为零 on positive communication between couples,
这和心理学领域的大多数研究一样 which is in line with most of the research done in psychology.
还记得21:1的比率吗 Again,remember,the ratio 21 to 1.
现在有所提高了 Now it's a little bit less,
大约20:1 积极研究与消极研究的比例 but around 20 to a ratio,positive to negative research.
爱情领域也一样 Same when it comes to relationship.
很不幸 没有例外 No exception,unfortunately.
Shelly Gable认为 Here comes Shelly Gable and says,
"我们还需要关注有用的东西" "We also need to focus on what is working."
于是她开始研究积极沟通 And she started to study positive communication
积极事件 about positive events quite.
注意 她的发现非常了不起 And lo and behold,what she found was quite remarkable.
她发现 In fact,what she found was that
一对伴侣如何沟通积极事件 the way couples communicate about positive events
比起如何沟通消极事件 is a better predictor of long term success in relationships
更能预测到这段感情能否天长地久 than how they communicate about negative events.
事情顺利时 比事情不顺时 When things go well - better predictor of long term,
更可能预测婚恋关系能否长久而甜蜜 thriving,passionate relationship than when things do not go well
所以我回家告诉我太太 So when I come home and tell my partner,
"哦 我今天做了这事 太棒了" "Oh,I just did this and it was amazing."
或者"我看了这部电影 太激动人心了" Or "I've just seen this and it was breath-taking."
或者其他工作上的事 Or this is what is going on at work.
都是我生活中发生的点点滴滴 This is what's going on in my personal life.
这是好事 And it's a good thing.
而我太太如何回应 How my partner responds
能预测到这段感情能否天长地久 predicts a long term success of the relationship.
Gable的意思是指 Specifically what Gable is talking about
主动的有建设性的回应 is active constructive responding.
什么是主动的有建设性的回应? What is active constructive responding?
她分类得出了二行二列的表格 What she does is divide it into a 2 by 2 –
我现在就给大家介绍下 I'm going to present the 2 by 2 now.
这是直接抄自我三位同僚的著作中 This is taken directly from the work of three of my colleagues,
来自澳大利亚的Jane Elsner Barbara Heilman和Amanda Horn Jane Elsner,Barbara Heilman and Amanda Horn from Australia.
她们是这样进行的 And here is what they did:
把Shelly Gable的理论总结成了一张浅显易懂的2x2表 put Shelly Gable's work into an understandable clear 2 by 2.
表的横行是有建设性的沟通 So we have on one dimension constructive
与破坏性的沟通 versus destructive communication;
纵列是主动沟通与被动沟通 on the other dimension,active versus passive communication.
我们通过一个例子来说明四个格子 Let's go through the four boxes using an example.
我太太下班回家 说 My partner comes home from work and she says,
"我升职了 "I just got a promotion,
这个职位我等了好久 the promotion that I've been waiting for for so long.
终于如愿以偿了" I was just told that I got it."
我如何回应? 如果是被动的破坏性的 How do I respond? Well,if I'm passive and destructive,
我会表现出兴趣缺乏 注意力分散 I show no interest,diverted attention.
我会说"嗯嗯" 然后讲其他的 I say "Mm hmm",and just move on or talk about,
"你看到花园里种了新花了吗" "But did you see we got a new flower in the garden?"
说些完全无关的话题 分散注意 Just talk about something unrelated to it - diverted attention.
这就是被动的破坏性的回应 This is passive and destructive.Now,destructive and active.
升职后 她回家 Just got promotion.She comes home.
我回应"哦 不 And my response is "Oh no,
这样的话我们在一起的时间就更少了 this means we'll have even less time to spend together!
孩子们怎么办?" What does this mean about our children now?"
或者"度假的事怎么办? Or "what about our holiday that we would go on,
说好下个月去的 是不是去不了了?" we were gonna go on next month? It's not possible now,is it?"
主动的破坏性的回应 Destructive and active.
然后是被动的建设性的回应 Then there is passive and constructive.
也是最常见的回应 This is the most common response.
"哦 太好的 太棒了 嗯" "Oh,that's great.Wonderful.Mm hmm.Wow."
然后是第四个框 主动且有建设性的 And then there is the forth box,the active and constructive,
也就是"你升职了 太好了 which is "You just prom... That is amazing!
告诉我 跟我说说 过程是怎么样的? Tell me,tell me all about it! So what happened?
是不是老板叫你去他办公室告诉你的? Did the boss call you into his office and tell you?
到底是怎么样的?"或者"我们得好好庆祝庆祝" How did it happen?" Or "We have to celebrate!"
又或者"打电话叫朋友们出去庆祝 Or "let's call our friends and go out!
太棒了 干得好 你这么努力 This is amazing! Well done! You've worked so hard for it!
我真为感到高兴" I'm so happy for you!"
主动且有建设性 Active constructive.
结果显示 不同的回应 As it turns out,there are consequences,
会带来不同的影响或后果 implications to each one of these responses.
很可惜 主动且建设性的回应并不常见 Unfortunately,this – the active constructive - not very common.
在情侣之间并不常见 Not very common among partners
尤其是过了蜜月期后 especially after the honey moon phase.
所以一开始 生理上的新鲜感 So when initially the physiological,the novelty,
刺激感强烈 此类回应很常见 the excitement is there,it happens more often.
但一段时间后 就消失了 But after a while,this goes away,
Shelly Gable发现 这种回应一消失 and with it,as Shelly Gable has shown,
这段关系就很难长久下去 the success of the relationship in a long term.
主动且建设性的回应 Now the thing about active constructive responding is that
适用于我们生活的方方面面 it applies to numerous areas in our lives,
不仅是爱情关系 not just to romantic relationships-
如何与室友沟通 how I communicate with my roommates;
如何与家人 父母 孩子沟通 how I communicate with my family,parents,children;
作为心理医生 如何与病人沟通 as a therapist,how I communicate with my clients,
因为心理学的初衷 because again,most of what psychology has been about
就是为了医生坐在这儿 is for the therapists to sit there
被动但有建设性地回应 微笑 and to be passive constructive - to smile,
说 "嗯 不错 然后呢" "Mm hmm.Wonderful.And then what happened?" -
而不是主动且有建设性地回应 这会引起不良后果 As oppose to active constructive and there are consequences.
这并不是说 It doesn't mean that
这在任何时候都是最正确的方法 it's the right approach in every relationship every time,
因为这种回应方法是有些使用限制的 because there are a few constraints here.
比如 必须是双赢事件 For example - it has to be win-win events.
比如说我太太下班回家 说 Let's say my partner comes from work and says,
"Tal 你不会相信的 "Tal,you won't believe it.
我刚和同事疯狂做爱了 I just made the most amazing love with my colleague.
他太不可思议了 我从未有过这种感觉" He was unbelievable! In fact,I never felt this way before."
主动且有建设的回应:我要知道细节 然后呢 Now active constructive: Do tell more and what happened then?
对大多数人来说 这种情况下 Very difficult to be actively constructive
很难做到主动且有建设性 in the situation for most people.
包括在座各位 很难 所以这个回应是为了双赢 Present company included.Very difficult.So it's about win-win.
至少我看来 刚才这个例子不是双赢 必须是双赢 That's not a win-win as far as I can see.It has to be a win-win.
换句话说 就是要我们双方 In other words,something that both of us
恋爱双方都能获益的 或至少 or the relationship will benefit from,or at the very least,
另一方不会因此受伤害 that the other person is not hurt by it.
必须是真诚的 It has to be genuine.
不能是假的 因为那样… It cannot be fake,because that can't
尤其是一旦伴侣发现 especially once the partner knows you
慢慢地就会出现问题 over time it just doesn't work.
所以必须是真诚的 It has to be genuine,
我们必须进入伴侣的角色中 meaning we have to get into the role of our partner,
产生认同 共鸣 identify with,empathize with,
设身处地 这样才能产生真诚的回应 be one with so that we can genuinely respond to it.
如果我们能做出真诚的回应 如果这是一个双赢事件 And if we do genuinely respond to it, and if it is a win-win
就会带来几个良性循环 that's when it generates upward spiral on a few levels.
首先 记得吗 First of all: remember,
通常当积极事件发生时 会怎么样 usually when a positive event happens,what happens?
会有一个峰值 然后情感预测 There is a spike up and then affective forecasting
根据Gilbert的研究 会逐渐回落 Gilbert's work - shows goes back down again.
有效的建设性回应 What effective constructive responding does
比如"好 再说说 which is "OK,tell me more.
当时是怎么样的?我们庆祝吧 告诉我细节 So how was it? Let's celebrate! Give me more details.
我想知道 我很有兴趣" I wanna know! I'm interested!"
这样的回应会延长峰值 What it does to the spike is prolong it.
会使它持续更长的一段时间 It actually keeps it going for much longer
而不是仅仅一个积极事件那样 than it would have been just a positive event
很快回落到基本水平 and then back to the base level.
因为无论我们获得什么升职 Because we know no matter what promotion we get at work,
一开始感觉很好 initially it feels great,
无论什么情绪上涨 一开始感觉很棒 no matter what raise initially it feels wonderful,
然后又会回到基本水平 and then it goes back down again to base level.
而主动且有建设性的回应会延长 Active constructive responding actually elongates that raising,
幸福感的提升与增强 that improvement in well being.
所以这是其中一个良性循环 更好的感觉 So that is one spiral that it creates - feeling better.
另一种良性循环 是人际关系的 The second spiral is an inter-personal spiral,
也就是说作出真诚主动有建设性回应的人 meaning a person who actively constructively responds genuinely
会获得相同的良性循环 enters the same upward spiral,
也就是说 meaning people
真诚回应的人会变得更快乐 who do that genuinely become happier as a result of
因为他们也经历了这一事件 because they experience the event.
他们自己也从中获益 变得更快乐 And they themselves benefit and become happier,
所以又是一种双赢 again a win-win potentially.
最后一点 它和积极心理学的整体作用一样 And finally,it also does what positive psychology
累积积极正面情绪 as a whole does which is build positive capacity.
记得吗 积极心理学 Remember positive psychology
不仅让我们从0变得积极 takes us not just from the zero to the positive,
还帮助我们更好地把消极变为0 it also helps us better deal with the negative to the zero.
作出主动且有建设性回应的伴侣 Partners who actively constructive respond to one another
是在为艰难时刻累积积极正面情绪 are building capacity for hard times.
事实上 很久以前 In fact one of the most interesting research that
有一项有趣的实验 were done long time ago was that couples
当生活顺利时 夫妻双方… when things went well or they were - wasn't,
虽然当时的研究没有用这样的术语 但意思上是相同的 that language wasn't used - but essentially
1920年代 夫妻双方能主动 when they actively constructively responded to one another
且有建设性地回应对方 支持对方 and supported one another back in the 1920s,
大萧条发生时 once the Great Depression hit,
他们的婚姻反而变得更坚固了 the relationship actually became better;
而没有做到这点的伴侣 whereas partners who didn't have a good before,
他们的婚姻往往会瓦解 变糟 the relationship very often dissolved,became worse.
换句话说 他们累积正面情绪 In other words,when they built the capacity,
应对困难时期 it helped them also deal with the hard times
比如20年代 30年代 such as 1929 and the 1930s.
幸福的爱情 健康的爱情 There are no short cuts when it comes to good relationships,
没有捷径 to healthy relationships.
如果你想要成功 就需要努力 It is hard work,if you want to succeed,
跟生活的其他领域一样 just like it is in every other domain in life.
没有捷径可走 There are no short cuts.
但是 这不是说 努力就是痛苦的 However,that doesn't mean that hard work cannot be enjoyable,
它可以意义非凡且充满乐趣 cannot be pleasurable as well as meaningful.
当你的努力是充满乐趣 意义非凡时 And when that hard work is pleasurable and meaningful,
渐渐地 就会使爱情更幸福 over time that leads to a happier relationship,
使你们更快乐 建立双赢的伴侣关系 happier individuals to a win-win togetherness.
结束这部分前 我还想说一点 I want to end but just addressing a point that
你们很多人都问过我 many of you have raised with me:
当我们讲追求幸福时 and that is should we even talk about relationships
我们应该讲恋情吗? in the context of pursuit of happiness.
大多数人的回答是 应该 但有所保留 And the answer for most people is yes with some discomfort.
说"是"的原因是 爱情是幸福的最重要来源 Yes,because it is the No.1 generator of the ultimate currency;
有所保留的原因是 some discomfort
追求幸福的本质是自私的 because pursuing happiness is by its nature selfish.
我的意思是 我思考我的幸福时 I mean actually when I am thinking about my happiness,
毫无疑问 我想的是自己 I'm thinking by definition about the self.
难道恋情不是与自私对立的吗 And shouldn't relationship be about the opposite of selfishness,
换句话说 恋情是利他主义的 in other words,about altruism.
关于这点我有几句话要说 So let me just say a few words about this.
就拿教书作为例子 Let's take an example from teaching.
想象一下 假如我不喜欢教书 Imagine this: imagine that I actually don't like teaching.
我不喜欢教书 I don't like to teach.
不喜欢每周二周四来这里 I don't like coming here on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
对我来说非常痛苦 And in fact it's very painful for me.
但是 出于我受到的教育 我学的哲理 However,I have a deep sense of duty because of my upbringing,
我有很强的责任感 because of the philosophies that I read.
我对别人有很强的责任感 I have a deep sense of duty to other people.
我知道积极心理学 And I know that positive psychology is
给教给别人一些很重要的知识 or has some important messages to give people.
于是我来上课 不是因为我喜欢教书 And therefore I teach it,not because I like it,
而是因为我认为它能帮助到别人 but because I think it can potentially help other people.
我每周二周四早上醒来 And I wake up in Tuesdays and Thursdays mornings,
痛苦地来到教室 and I dread going to class.
一个半小时的课让我度日如年 The hour and a half seems like eternity to me.
我最不想做的事就是教书 The last thing in the world that I want to do is teach,
但是我的责任感驱使我这样 因为我是利他主义者 but I'm driven by my sense of duty,because I'm an altruist,
我为伟大的事业牺牲自己 I'm sacrificing myself for what I think is a greater good.
再想想另一种情况 Now think of the alternative.
想象与刚才那位老师相反的情况 Imagine this teacher and then imagine the alternative.
就是我 And the alternative is me.
我爱教书 I love teaching.
我最喜欢的地方就是教室的讲台 There is no where else I would rather be right now than here.
我爱积极心理学 I love positive psychology.
我等不及要打开电脑备课 I can't wait to get onto my computer and write the lectures;
等不及准备幻灯片 I can't wait to prepare the powerpoints
搜索Google图片 and work hard on Google image to do so;
我等不及要与你们互动 I can't hardly wait to interact with you.
我喜欢每周二周四站在这里 I love being here every Tuesday and Thursday.
这是我热爱的 我的使命 It is my passion,it is my calling,
和你们在一起上课 对我来说 it is both pleasurable and meaningful to me
意义非凡又充满乐趣 to spend time with you.
那么你们想要哪一位老师 And now I ask you which teacher would you rather have?
是出于责任和利他主义动机 The teacher who is here out of a sense of duty,
才来上课的老师 for altruistic reasons?
还是那个为了满足自己 Or is the person who is here for selfish reasons,
喜欢上课这个爱好而来上课的老师? because he would rather be here more than any other place?
另一个问题 I also ask you
你觉得哪个老师会是更好的老师 which teacher do you think would be a better teacher?
引申开去 你们会想要怎样的伴侣 And now I ask you,which partner would you rather have,
一个跟你在一起是因为他们觉得 a partner who is with you just because they feel like
"这人很需要我" "Well,that person really needs me,"
"这家伙真可怜" or "I feel sorry for the person,"
"我不是真的喜欢他 "I don't really like that person,but I'm there
我只是出于责任感 支持他"的人? just to be there for them,because,out of a sense of duty"?
还是跟你在一起是因为 Or would you rather have a person who is with you
你是他们生命中最重要的人 because you are the most important person in their lives,
因为他们如此关心你 从"我"变成了"我们"? because they care about so much that the I becomes the We?
他们像关心自己一样 关心你 They care about you as much as they care about themselves.
把你纳入了自己的一部分 They include you in their circle of the self.
你们认为哪种爱情会成功? Which relationship do you think will thrive more?
这不是说 Now that does not mean that
爱情中不会有牺牲 there is no sacrificing in relationships;
也不是说 如果我伴侣身体不适 that does not mean that if my partner is unwell,
或者需要我帮助 我不会全力以赴 or needs my help,I would not go out of my way,
即使那意味着需要放弃 even if it means giving up something that
我当时的梦想 I really really want to do at that point.
当然了 在健康的恋情中 Of course,in healthy relationships,
当我变成了我们 就会有牺牲 when the Is become a We,sacrifices exist,
但这是健康的牺牲 and there is healthy sacrifice.
这样的恋情 But it's not a relationship that
它的基础不是责任感 is based fundamentally on the sense of duty
不是否定自我的利他主义 or altruistic negation of the self.
Nathaniel Branden说过 我们越独立 As Nathaniel Branden says,the more independent we are,
就越互相依赖 the more inter-dependent we can become.
当我变成我们时 就会这样 That's when the I becomes a We.
这与我们所讲过的内容相反 Again this is something which goes against much of our teachings
不是很容易接受 it's not always easy to accept,but again
但是这门课不仅是关于积极心理学 this class much more than it is about positive psychology,
还有现实心理学 is about reality psychology.
问问你自己 想成为哪种伴侣 And ask yourself what partner would you rather be,
想拥有哪种伴侣 what partner would you rather have,
想要哪种老师 举一反三 what teacher would you rather have - completely analogous.
好了 我们来讲本课程最后一个话题 OK.Let's move on now to the very last topic of this class.
我说过很多次 我从不拖延 As I've said many times,I never procrastinate;
直接用了Google图片 I just use Google image.
当我还在哈佛这里读本科大四时 I started to think explicitly about the topic about self-esteem
就开始非常认真地思考自尊这个话题 when I was a senior,as an undergraduate here.
当时我注意到一个现象 I started to think about it when I noticed another phenomenon.
那是我转专业到哲学和心理学后 So that was after I switched into philosophy and psychology.
我对自己的学业很满意 I was very happy on my concentration.
在壁球队里也很开心 I was very happy playing in the squash team.
哈佛生活对我来说一帆风顺 Harvard was going great for me.
但后来我发现一些很费解 But then I started to notice something that was unclear,
无法理解的事情 didn't make sense to me.
我自尊程度相当低 And that was the fact that I had low self-esteem
至少看起来是这样 or so it seemed at least.
我无法理解 And it didn't make sense to me,
因为我表现不错 得过奖 because I was doing well,I had won prizes,
屡获表扬 支持 I had received a lot of accolades,a lot of support,
有来自室友的 朋友的 家人的 whether it's from my roommates,friends,family,
运动还是学术都屡获嘉奖 lot of pads on the back in athletics,in academics.
但我的自尊还是很低 And yet I had low self-esteem.
这让我很不解 And it just didn't make any sense to me.
还有一件事更让我困惑 There was another thing that baffled me even more.
在某种程度上 我觉得我的成功在惩罚我 It was as if on some level I was punished by success.
这是什么意思? What do I mean by that?
每次我获得成功 或者被表扬 Every time when I would succeed,or when I did get praise,
我的自尊就会增加 改进 my self-esteem would increase,would improve.
但很快 But then very quickly afterwards,
又回到了基础水平 甚至更低 it went down,back to its base level and even lower.
为了重新提升它 And in order to raise it back up again,
我就需要更多表扬 I needed even more praise,
比以前更多的赞赏 even more accolades than I needed before.
有一个比喻不断出现在我脑海里 And the metaphor that kept coming to mind
科林斯王推石头上山的故事 was Sisyphus pushing a rock up on mountain.
我就好像在推石头上山 I would push the rock up the mountain,
挣扎奋斗直到获得成功 struggle till the next victory came.
成功后我得到表扬 And the next victory came and I got the praise,
获得赞赏 奖品 I got the accolades,I got the prize.
我的自尊提升了 And my self-esteem was high.
我处在了山顶 I was on top of the mountain.
然后石头又滚了下来 And then this rock would be rolled down again.
我不得不跑下山重新再推 And I would have to run down and start to push it up again
而且这次 山坡更陡峭了 only this time,the hill was even steeper;
我不得不更加努力 才能到达山顶 I would have to struggle even more and I would get up there again
然后石头又滚下山 and then it would roll back down.
以前那些赞赏 表扬 Now it wasn't enough to have the accolade,the praise,the amount
已经不够了 the quality and the quantity that I had before.
我需要更多才能重新回到山顶 I needed even more just to get onto the same mountain,
更陡峭 更困难 even steeper,even more difficult.
我想不通 And it didn't make sense to me.
到了大四 我选修了一门课 And then I took a class - senior year
出于诸多原因 那成为了我最爱的课程之一 ended up being one of my favorite classes for various reasons
童话课 原因我现在不想细讲 which I will not go into now,Fairy Tales.
我选修了童话课 我们读了卢梭的《爱弥儿》 I took Fairy Tales and we read Emile, Rousseau's Emile
Maria Tatar讲到了很多精彩的理论 我想通了 And Maria Tatar talked about wonderful theories and it clicked.
于是我的毕业论文 I ended up writing my senior thesis,
那门课的期末论文写的就是自尊 my final paper for that class on self-esteem
最终发展成了我的学位论文 and that eventually became my dissertation.
我的博士论文写的就是这个话题 That's actually what I wrote my PHD on,this topic.
所以今天我想和大家分享 So what I want to do today is show with you some of the insights
我在童话课上的感悟及其他思想家 that I got in Fairy Tales as well as other thinkers
对于自尊话题的思考 who have been thinking about this topic of self-esteem,
因为这非常重要 because it is important.
我以自尊的话题结束这门课程 It is not for nothing that
不是毫无缘由的 I end the course with the topic of self-esteem,
因为它是基础 because it is at the foundation,
是我们之前讲过的很多内容的核心 at the core of so many of the other things that we discussed,
无论是健康的婚恋关系 whether it's healthy relationships,
还是快乐 whether it's happiness in general,
无论是寻找优点 还是创造优点 whether it's benefit finding or benefit creating,
无论是被了解 还是被认可 whether it's being known rather than validated.
自尊涉及方方面面的内容 Self-esteem encompasses so many of these ideas.
我们要讲以下内容 So here is what we are gonna do.
首先 为什么自尊非常重要 First of all,we are going to talk about why is it important?
对于自尊的种种误解 A lot of misunderstanding about what self-esteem is and is not.
可以运用到生活中的 We are going to talk about some theories
一些理论 that can apply to our lives.
然后我们会细讲我刚才提到的矛盾 And then we'll elaborate on the paradox that I just talked about,
有时候成功 that sometimes success actually
会降低自尊 leads to lower levels of self-esteem.
为什么会这样 我们到时会解释 And why does that happen? We'll explain that.And
然后我会介绍我关于自尊的学位论文 then I'll introduce essentially my dissertation on self-esteem,
我把它分为三个清晰的部分 where I divided the one construct into three distinct components,
依赖性自尊 which are dependence self-esteem
即由他人表扬和认同而产生的自尊 self-esteem that is generated by others' praise or approval;
独立自尊 即内在产生的自尊 independence self-esteem - self-esteem that comes from within,
这种自尊不取决于 self-esteem that is not contingent
别人的评价 是自我生成的 on what other people say,self generated;
最后 无条件的自尊 也可以称作一种自然状态 and finally,unconditional self-esteem,or a state of being,
我们自然的存在感 where we simply and naturally exist.
我会讲到这三个层面的自尊 So I'll talk about these three levels
以及如何培养独立自尊 and how we can cultivate independent
及无条件自尊 as well as unconditional self-esteem.
最后 下节课我们会讲到 And finally we will end by next time by talking about
如何提高自尊水平 how we can enhance our levels of self-esteem.
很多人参加自尊讲座后 Now many people when they listen to a lecture on self-esteem,
会进行自我评估 认为 go into evaluation mode and say,
"好了 我的自尊高吗?" 我说的"我"是说你们 "OK,so do I have high self-esteem?" - I meaning you;
或者"我的自尊比旁边那人高吗? or "Is my self-esteem higher than the person sitting next to me,
比我伴侣或朋友高吗?" or my partner or friend?"
回答是 你无法得知 And the answer to this question is you can't really know,
因为我们无法客观地衡量自尊 meaning we can't measure self-esteem "objectively".
我们还不知道它处在我们大脑哪个部位 We don't really where it is in the brain yet
也许10年20年后可以 we may be able to 10 years from now,20 years from now.
但这个问题不重要 就像"我快乐吗"一样 But that's not an important question,just like "Am I happy?"
也不是个重要问题 or not is not an important question,
它其实是一个误导人的问题 in fact a misleading question.
记住 你要问的应该是"如何才能变得更快乐?" The question rather,remember,is "How can I become happier?"
自尊也是如此 The same with self-esteem
你要问的不是"我的自尊是高是低" the question is not "Do I have high or low self-esteem?"
而是"如何才能提高自尊" but rather "How can I enhance my self-esteem?"
因为我等一下会讲到 自尊越高越好 Because as I argue shortly,there cannot be too much self-esteem.
但有时候人们把自尊与自大 But sometimes people associate too much self-esteem to arrogance,
自负 自恋过多地联系在一起 conceit and narcissism.
这些不是自尊 It's not self-esteem.
恰恰相反 是缺乏自尊 In fact it is the exact opposite of it; it's lack thereof.
所以强烈的自我感是件好事 So having stronger sense of self is a good thing.
问题是"如何提升它?" And the question is "How can I enhance it?"
今天 我的自尊比15年前 Today my self-esteem is higher than it was
我刚考虑这个问题时提升了很多 when I started thinking about it 15 years ago.
希望5或15年后 And hopefully 15 years or 5 years from now
会比今天还要高 it will be higher than it is today.
这是个终身的过程 It is a life-long process.
我们会谈这个终身过程是如何展开的 And we'll talk about how that life-long process unfolds
如何才能加快 加强这一过程 and what we can do to expedite it,to intensify it.
首先 自尊的定义 So first of all: definition of the self-esteem.
自尊有多种定义 There are numerous definitions.
我读几条重要思想家对此的认识 Let me read you just a few from the main thinkers in the area.
斯坦福大学教授Albert Bandura So Albert Bandura,Stanford Professor,
解释了通向自尊的大门 explains gate to self-esteem,
说到人们是如何评估自我的 他是这样说的 quote in terms of how people evaluate themselves:
"那些认为自己没有价值的人 "Those who express the sense of unworthiness
会被视为自尊较低 are said to have low self-esteem,
那些表现出自傲的人 or the person who is to express self-pride
会被视为自尊极高" are said to hold themselves in highest esteem."
这一领域另一位著名思想家 Another well-known thinker in the area,
Germain认为自尊是 Germain defines self-esteem as
"对于自我的评判与感受" "the judgment and feelings about the self." -
非常简单 对于自我的评判与感受 Very simply: the judgment and feelings about the self.
Coopersmith 该领域最重要的思想家之一 Coopersmith,one of the most important thinkers in the area:
"自尊是个体作出的 "Self-esteem is an evaluation which individual makes
并经常保持的对自己的评价 and customarily maintains with regard to himself.
表达了一种对自己赞许或不赞许的态度 It expresses an attitude of approval or disapproval
标志了个体对自己能力 身份 and indicates the extent to which individual believes himself
成就及价值的信心" to be capable,significant,successful and worthy."
能力 身份 成就 价值 Capable,significant,successful and worthy.
"简而言之 自尊是对自我价值的评判 "In short,self-esteem is a personal judgment of worthiness that
通过个人对于自我的态度表现出来" is expressed in the attitudes individual holds toward himself."
所以自尊说的是我对自己的态度 It's about the attitude that I have toward myself.
是对自我概念的评估 It's the evaluative part of the self concept.
我对自尊作出的定义 在我的论文里也用过这个定义 The definition that I will use that I used in my dissertation
我认为这个定义最成功地道出了自尊的本质 and I think it captures the best what self-esteem is about
是Nathaniel Branden的理论 is Nathaniel Branden's.
Nathaniel Branden Nathaniel Branden,
被很多人称为美国乃至全世界的 considered by many to be the father of the self-esteem movement
自尊运动的先驱 in this country if not the world,
身为心理医生及哲学家 a therapist and philosopher that
他在这一领域研究了50年 has been working in the area for 50 years,
他对自尊做出了如下定义 defines self-esteem as following:
"一种觉得自己 "the disposition to experience oneself
能够应付生活中的基本挑战 as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life
值得享受快乐的感觉" and as worthy of happiness."
两个组成部分 能力感 Two components - the feeling,the experience of competence
价值感 and the feeling and experience of worthiness.
两者都很重要 Both are important.
缺少任何一个 自尊就会很低 If we lack one,we very often have low self-esteem.
个人体会: 我觉得自己能胜任手头的工作 Personal example: I felt very competent at what I was doing,
无论是在壁球场上 whether it was on the squash court,
还是婚恋关系中 whether it was in relationships,
还是学术领域 但是我的自尊仍旧很低 whether it was academically,and yet my self-esteem was low,
因为我缺少自尊的 because I didn't have the worthiness component
价值感这个组成部分 now I know of self-esteem.
所以光有一个是不够的 要两者兼备 So one or the other are not enough - we need both.
Nathaniel Branden继续说 Nathaniel Branden continues:
"我们在生活中作出的所有判断 "Of all the judgments we pass in our lives,
没有哪个比对自己作出的判断更重要了" none is as important as the one we pass on ourselves."
为什么 因为我们时刻有自我意识 Why? Because we are constantly with ourselves.
它影响我们生活的各个领域 我们孤身一人时 It affects every area of our lives when we are alone,
与别人在一起时 工作时 when we are with others,when we are at work,when we are doing,
独自工作时 与人合作时 when we are working by ourselves,when we are in a team.
歌德说过"降临于人最大的邪恶是 As Goethe said,"The greatest evil that can befall man is that
让他否认自己" he should come to think ill of himself."
所以高自尊非常重要 或者说 So high self-esteem is important or self-esteem is
自我感很重要 the sense of self is important.
但是如果我们环顾四周 And yet,if we look around us,
反省自身 会发现还有很多改进空间 if we look within us,there's much room for improvement.
有些人多 有些人少 Some people more than others,
但每个人都有一定的改进空间 but for everyone,there's room for improvement.
以下是高自尊的一些益处 Here are some of the benefits associated with high self-esteem.
首先 心理健康 First of all,mental health.
心理抵抗能力和应付困难的能力加强 High levels of resilience,dealing with difficulties
从6岁孩童到96岁老人都是这样 this applies to kids who are 6 years old,or to 96 year olds.
纵观一生 自尊程度越高 Throughout our lives,the higher levels of self-esteem,
心理抵抗能力越强 the more resilient we are,
能更好地应对焦虑 抑郁 the better we are able to deal with anxiety,with depression,
各种无法避免的困境 with inevitable hardships that arise.
改善人际关系 Relationships improve.
这点非常适用于 This applies very much
婚恋关系 我们稍后会讲到 as we'll see later to romantic relationships;
同样适用于友谊 it applies as much to friendships;
和家庭关系 it applies as much to family relationships.
Branden说 自我概念就是命运 In the words of Branden: Self concept is destiny.
信念或自我实现预言 Beliefs or self-fulfilling prophecy
如果我相信自己 相信自己值得快乐 if I think of myself,believe in myself,believe that I'm worthy,
相信自己有能力 that I'm capable of a lot,
那么我成功的可能性更大 I will,I'm much more likely to succeed.
还记得John Carlton提出的 Remember the two predictors John Carlton
哈佛商学院研究生成功的两个因素吗 had for highly successful HBS grads:
第一条是他们总是问问题 the first one was that they were always asking questions,
总是想学习更多 always wanting to learn more.
第二条是他们相信自己 The second was they believed in themselves.
这使他们在其他成功者中脱颖而出 This was what distinguished,the most successful from the rest.
自我概念即命运 Self concept is destiny.
Daniel Goleman普及的情商概念 Emotional intelligence,a concept popularized by Daniel Goleman,
最早是由耶鲁大学的Salovey initially introduced by Salovey from Yale,
和哈佛大学的Gartner提出的 by Gartner from Harvard.
我们对他人的情感 How affective we are with others,
我们的人际智能 这些合起来 our inter-personal intelligence together
使得自尊高的人 making emotional intelligence
情商高很多 much higher for people with high levels of self-esteem.
最后 快乐 And finally,the subtotal happiness.
无论是我的研究 还是其他人的研究 In my research as well as other people's research,
自尊与快乐的相关系数都超过0.6 the correlation between self-esteem and happiness is above .6 –
这一数字相当高 虽然它不是快乐唯一的决定因素 very high correlation,not the only determinant,
但绝对是主要决定因素之一 but certainly one of the major determinants of happiness.
另一方面 低自尊常常与焦虑并存 On the other hand,low self-esteem is associated with anxiety.
我说的不是自然的焦虑 I'm not talking about the natural kind of anxiety.
如果我站在悬崖边 If I'm standing on the cliff,
往下看时感到焦虑 这很自然 and I feel some anxiety looking down,that's natural.
这是健康的 That's healthy.
人的天性 经历这种焦虑很重要 Permission to be human - it's important to experience anxiety.
这很自然 It's natural.
人人都会感受到 就像万有引力定律 We all do it,just like the law of gravity.
是我们的生理天性之一 It's part of our physical nature.
焦虑是人的天性之一 Anxiety is part of human nature.
不健康的焦虑 But anxiety that is unhealthy
是指毫无缘由的焦虑 is one that is for no apparent reason.
Branden称之为自尊焦虑 Again,Branden calls it self-esteem anxiety.
半夜突然醒来 Suddenly waking up in the middle of night
感到毫无缘由的焦虑 and feeling anxiety for no apparent reason,
或者日常生活中经常感到一种焦虑感或恐惧感 or going through life generally with a sense of anx or fear,
却不明白是为了什么 not really clear,not really sure of what.
这通常是低自尊的症状 抑郁 That is very often the symptom of low self-esteem.Depression.
我们时刻有自我意识 Again we are constantly spending time with ourselves.
我们时刻关注自己的脑袋 We are constantly inside of our minds -
我时常在评估自己 the I is constantly evaluating the me.
如果评估显示不够格 And if the evaluation is wanting,
如果评估很低 通常会导致抑郁 if it's low,very often it leads to depression.
身心失调症状包括失眠 患病 Psychosomatic symptoms include insomnia,include getting sick,
因为我们的免疫系统变得脆弱 because our immune system is lower -
生理免疫系统变得脆弱 physical immune system is lower and so on.
自我概念即命运 Self concept is destiny.
它是我们取得最高效率的原因 It applies to our top performance;
也是我们取得最差表现的原因 it applies to our worst performance as well.
成绩差的学生通常… School children who are under achievers very often -
自尊较低 that's associated or the result of low self-esteem.
Nathaniel Branden把自尊称为 Nathaniel Branden calls self-esteem
"意识的免疫系统" "the immune system of consciousness".
意识的免疫系统 The immune system of consciousness
我们自尊较高时 when we have high self-esteem,
心理抵抗能力更强 it means we are more resilient psychologically.
记住 强健的免疫系统并不意味着不会生病 Remember,a strong immune system does not mean we don't get sick.
而是较少得病 It means we get sick but less often;
如果生病了 能更迅速地恢复 and when we do get sick,we recover more promptly.
意识的免疫系统 The immune system of consciousness.
强健的意识疫系统 意味着我们常快乐少生病 It means that sickness is the exception; well being is the rule.
意味着我们追求快乐 It means that we are pursuing happiness,
而不是躲避不快乐 rather than constantly running away from unhappiness.
这些是高自尊与低自尊的区别 These are all signs of high self-esteem versus low self-esteem
心理抵抗能力 resilient psychology.
Bednar与Peterson Bednar and Peterson,
该领域两位研究者提出了一个问题 two researchers in the area asked the question,
"大多数心理问题或精神病 "What is the underlying cause,or is there an underlying cause
根本病因是什么 或者说有没有根本病因?" to most psychological disorders and ailments?"
他们提出了一个构想 And what they came up with was one construct,
即自尊 and that was self-esteem.
自尊至关重要 Self-esteem is critical.
首先 在理解层面 First of all in understanding,
理解各种情绪及行为问题 in understanding many of the emotional and behavioral problems;
其次 治疗大多数 并不是所有 and second,in terms of most,not all,but most of the emotional
情绪及行为问题 自尊都是核心 and behavioral problems - self-esteem at the core.
最后 它不仅适用于个人 Finally it doesn't just apply on the individual level,
还适用于社会层面 it also applies on the societal level.
政府成立的加州健康专责小组 It was California Task Force by the government
将自尊称为社会疫苗 that coined self-esteem as a social vaccine,
因为他们发现自尊与… because what they found was self-esteem was associated,
低自尊与药物滥用 low self-esteem was associated with substance abuse,
未成年怀孕 辍学 暴力及犯罪有关 teen pregnancy,school drop-out rates,violence and crime.
而高自尊恰恰相反 And high self-esteem: that the opposite
能帮助克服这些社会顽疾 help overcome these social ailments.
虽然不是万灵药 但在各个方面起到了积极作用 Again,not a panacea,but helps in many ways.
所以自尊是好的 So self-esteem is good.
非常重要 Self-esteem in fact is great,is important.
但在研究自尊这个领域里 不是所有人都意见一致的 However not all is rosy in self-esteem land.
有一些反对的声音 And there are some criticisms,
有些甚至是该领域重要的思想家提出的 some criticisms by very important thinkers in the area.
其中之一是 佛罗里达州的Roy Baumeister提出的 One of them,the leading one is Roy Baumeister form Florida,
他将自尊等同于自大自负 equating self-esteem with arrogance and conceit.
因为如果你进行关于自恋的问卷调查 Because if you are taking a questionnaire and,of narcissism,
会发现自恋程度高的人 those who are high on narcissism
自尊分也非常高 will also score very high on a self-esteem measure.
但问题在这里 But here lies the problem.
你们阅读的论文 And here in the paper you are reading
至少可以反驳这种批评 当然还有其他的 is how we can debunk at least this criticism - there are others.
如果一个人自恋自大 You see,a person who is a narcissist,
自尊程度其实不高 who is arrogant,doesn't have high self-esteem.
这是常识 I mean we all know that's common sense.
一个像高傲的孔雀一样走进教室 Someone who walks into a room immediately looking like a peacock,
摆现炫耀 showing off,bragging
这人一定是高自尊吗 不一定 does that person have high self-esteem? Probably not.
一个谦虚不摆现的人 A person who is humble,who doesn't need constantly show off
往往自尊程度更高 is usually the person with higher levels of self-esteem.
正如Rolly May As Rollo May,
人本主义心理学运动创始人说过 one of the founders of humanistic psychology movement says,
"软弱的人变成恶霸 "The person who feels weak becomes a bully,
自卑的人变成吹牛大王 the inferior person a braggart;
炫耀武力 夸夸其谈 骄傲自大 a flexing of muscles,much talk,cockiness,
厚颜无耻 an endeavor to brazen it out,
都是个人或集体隐匿的焦虑症状 are symptoms of covert anxiety in a person or a group."
这与自尊恰恰相反 It's the exact opposite of self-esteem.
可惜 如今我们评估自尊的方法 Unfortunately today our measures of self-esteem
都是通过问卷调查进行 are through questionnaires.
如果你问一个自恋者 "你自尊高吗" And if you ask a narcissist,"Do you have high self-esteem",
回答当然是 是 the answer will of course be yes.
但是当今大多数 However,the questionnaires are not so,
问卷调查还没有复杂到 most of the questionnaires are not sophisticated enough today
足以区分真自尊 to differentiate between true self-esteem
和Nathaniel Branden所说的伪自尊 and what Nathaniel Branden calls,pseudo self-esteem,
自我效能与自尊心的伪装 the pretense of self-efficacy and self-respect.
不久的将来我们将能更客观的衡量它们 Soon we'll be able to measure that much more objectively.
这是把自尊等同自恋的批评 但是还有其他批评 So that's for narcissism.But there are other criticisms.
其中一个认为 自尊 And that is that self-esteem,
高自尊会使人过分高估自己 high self-esteem leads to unrealistic evaluation
最终对人造成伤害 and that ultimately hurts people.
我来读一段时代周刊的报道 Let me read you something from Times magazine
这篇报道是讲全世界各国13岁孩子 a report about a certain test that was given to kids 13 year olds
进行的一次测验 in different countries around the world.
去年 6个国家的13岁孩子 A standardized math test was given to 13 year olds
做了一次标准化数学测验 in 6 countries last year.
韩国孩子表现最好 Koreans did the best;
美国孩子表现最差 排在西班牙 芬兰 加拿大之后 Americans did the worst,coming behind Spain,Ireland,and Canada
坏消息是 除了三角与等式外 Now the bad news: besides being shown triangles and equations,
试卷上还有一道判断题"我擅长数学" the kids were shown the statement "I'm good at mathematics."
美国孩子居然有68%选"是" 排在第一 Americans were No.1 with an impressive 68 percent in agreement.
美国孩子可能不懂数学 American students may not know their math
但显然他们对新式的自尊课程 but they have evidently absorbed the lessons
掌握的非常好 of the newly fashionable self-esteem curriculum,
这些课程教会孩子们自我感觉良好 wherein kids are taught to feel good about themselves.
这些课程教会孩子们自我感觉良好 Wherein kids are taught to feel good about themselves
我还要再加句"无论做什么" and I will add "no matter what".
因为很多老师 Because teachers,many teachers have learned
不分青红皂白地给予赞美 为什么? to just give indiscriminant praise - why?
因为自尊是好的 是社会疫苗 Because self-esteem is good,it's a social vaccine
有很多研究支持这一点 and there's a lot of research to back that up.
那如何提高自尊呢 And how do you enhance self-esteem? -
要不停跟他们说"哦 你真厉害 By showering people with "Oh,you are terrific!
你太棒了 你真行" You are wonderful! You are great!"
但结果显示 这对学生们并没有帮助 But that,it turns out does not help these students.
事实上 长期来看…短期内感觉良好 In fact,in the long run - in the short term,it feels good,
但长期来看反而降低了他们的学习动力 but in the long term it actually reduces their motivation to work
让他们变得不切实际 it makes them unrealistic;
长期来看 and in the long run,
反而减低了他们本来可能获得的快乐 it makes them less happy than they potentially could have been.
产生了反效果 In fact,it boomerangs.
所以 意图是好的 Again with good intentions
因为老师们想提高学生的自尊 because they want to raise their self-esteem.
那如何拯救自尊呢? So how do we salvage self-esteem's self-esteem?
需要先理解它的真实性质 By understanding its true nature.
首先 自尊不是空洞的心理强化能够产生的 First of all,self-esteem is not a product of empty reinforcement
哦 你真棒 你好厉害 Oh you are wonderful;you are terrific;
你真行 不管是不是都赞扬 you are great - no matter what.
长期来看还会损害自尊 That hurts self-esteem in the long term.
自尊必须与伪自尊区分开 Self-esteem has to be distinguished from pseudo self-esteem
也就是脱离现实的 once again the pretense of self-efficacy
虚假的自我效能与自我尊重 and self-respect without the reality.
那些不是自尊 That's not self-esteem;
那是自恋 脱离现实 that's narcissism; that's detachment from reality.
我们最近反复提到 And as we've been talking about constantly,
健康心理是要联系现实 psychological healthy is a function of connection to reality.
所以什么是自尊呢 自尊存在于现实中 So what is self-esteem? Self-esteem is founded in reality,
存在于真实的行动 真实的成功 与真实的实践中 in actual performance,in actual success,in actual practices.
它是努力的产物 It is a product of hard work.
好了 还记得2个月前我们讲到的成功的秘诀吗? OK,do you remember the secret of success from 2 months ago?
乐观 相信自己 对所做之事充满热情 Optimism,belief in oneself,passion for what one is doing,
还有一点 努力奋斗 and finally,hard work.
这就是秘诀 That's secret.
这些都是我们早就知道的 Again,someone,something we all know,
都是基本常识 something that is commonsensical
引用伏尔泰的话"常识不一定人皆有之" but again,common sense,in Voltaire's words,is not that common.
Nathaniel Branden提出了培养自尊的 Nathaniel Branden talks about 6 practices
6条重要实践 that are important for the cultivation of self-esteem:
首先 正直 first,integrity.
你们本周读书报告主题就是 That's your response paper this week
如何提高正直意识 to raise levels of awareness about integrity.
正直是指言行一致 And integrity means a match between what we say and what we do,
小事大事 the little things and the big things,
无论是"我5点过5分到" whether it's "I'll be there at 5 minutes after 5",
那就5点过5分到 being there at 5 minutes after 5;
还是"我这周去健身" saying that "I'm going to work out this week",
那就要做到 and actually doing it.
因为我们沟通 说出每个词时 Because you see,when we communicate,when we utter words,
如果言行不一致 and we don't follow up on what we say,
那我们本质是在对自己说 what we are essentially communicating to ourselves:
我的话无关紧要 不重要 what I say is not important; it doesn't matter.
反之 我保持高度正直 Whereas I maintain high levels of integrity,
遵守诺言 当然没人是完美的 when I keep my words - again no one is perfect.
没人会是100%的正直 我们下次会讲到 No one has perfect integrity as we'll talk about next time.
但是我真诚的遵守诺言 But when I genuinely keep my word,
言行一致 when I follow up on what I say,
以低要求许诺 以高要求履诺 when I under-promise and over-deliver,
就是以行动对自己说 that's when I communicate to myself in action
还记得 自我知觉理论吗 通过行动 remember,self-perception theory - in action,
我对自己说 "我的话很重要 我很重要" I communicate to myself,"My words matter; I matter."
所以要正直 So the practice of integrity.
要有自我察觉 了解你自己 The practice of self-awareness - know thyself.
也就是Branden说的自我意识 Self-consciousness,as Branden talks about.
目的性 有目标 自我协调的目标 Purposefulness,having goals,having self-concordant goals,
努力追求 有目标有使命地生活 pursuing them,living a life of purpose,of calling,
担起责任 记住 没人能帮你 taking responsibility - remember once again no one is coming.
只有靠你自己创造生活 It's up to you to make something of your lives.
要自我接纳 The practice of self-acceptance.
每天都要允许自己有人的天性 Permission to be human on a daily basis.
最后 要有主见 And finally,the practice of self-assertiveness:
该说不的时候说不 to say no when it's appropriate;
该说是的时候说是 to say yes when that is appropriate;
支持我们信仰的东西 to stand up for what we believe in.
这些实践经年累月能培养我们的自尊 These are the practices that over time cultivate self-esteem.
它们也是自尊的产物 And they are also the product of self-esteem
我们下次会详细讲 as we'll see next time,
这是个潜在的自我增强循环 it's a potential self-reinforcing loop.
这就是自尊 但还有一些问题需要解答 So this is what self-esteem is.But there are more problems.
自尊领域还有很多问题 There are more problems in self-esteem land.
还有一项重要的批评 Here is another important criticism.
很多研究表明 You see,a lot of research shows that
高自尊的人更慷慨 people with high self-esteem are more generous,
对他人更博爱 are more benevolent toward others.
总得来说他们都是好人 They are generally good.They are nice.
许多研究都表明这点 这很棒 很好 A lot research shows that.So that's wonderful,terrific.
但是 However,
还有很多研究结果恰恰相反 there is also a lot of research that chose the exact opposite
高自尊的人表现出反社会行为 that people with high self-esteem display anti-social behavior,
无论是对不认识的人 whether it's toward people they don't know,
尤其是对特别亲近的人 especially toward people close to them.
它与攻击性不合作的行为 It's been associated with aggressive
有所关联 and uncooperative behavior.
一些研究显示敌意程度 Levels of hostility associated with high self-esteem
也与高自尊有关 in some studies.
这些证据自相矛盾 无法解释 There are contradictory evidence - doesn't make sense.
自尊到底是怎么回事 What's going on in self-esteem land?
这个问题直到最近才弄清楚 Hasn't been resolved until recently.
对自尊的另一项批评 之前我提到过了 Another criticism of self-esteem is what I mentioned,
自尊的矛盾 the paradox of self-esteem.
我在大四时 在哈佛求学期间 You see,the praise that I received as a senior here
受到的表扬 or as a student here in general was,
基本上是基于事实的 the praise was based on reality.
我壁球打得很好 得到了赞扬 You know I did well in squash - I got praise for that;
学术成就优异 得到了表扬 I did well academically - I got praise for that.
所以都是真实的 基于现实的 So it was real; it was grounded in reality
但是我还是觉得自尊很低 and yet I still felt like I had low self-esteem.
事实上 我获得的赞扬越多 In fact,the more praise I got,
越觉得石块越重 in many ways I felt the rock became heavier
山坡越陡 and the mountain steeper.
这点传统的自尊研究无法解释 And that is not explained by traditional self-esteem research.
Bednar和Peterson谈到了这个矛盾 Bednar and Peterson talk about,they talk about this paradox.
他们在书中举了例子 这是我第一次看到 And they give examples in their book - this is the first place
有人谈论 where I found someone talking about something
我这么多年的经历 that I experienced for many years.
他们谈到了成功往往 They talked about the paradox where very often success
与低自尊共存的矛盾 is associated with low levels of self-esteem.
我读一段他们一位病人写的话 So let me read to you an account of a client that they had
他俩都是心理医生 非常成功 they are therapists - who has been very successful.
他在日记中这样写道 And here he is,writing his journal:
"过去几年 我觉得生活毫无意义 "For the past several years,I felt that my life was meaningless.
这种状态非常讽刺 This was an ironic state of affairs
因为我事业有成 considering all I had accomplished.
亲朋好友总是赞美 Friends and relatives were always lauding me
我的外表与智慧 for my good looks and intelligence.
父母双方家中 我都是第一个 I was the first person on either side of my family
大学毕业生 to graduate from college,
而且是优秀荣誉毕业生 doing so with honors.
我在大型会计事务所有一份好工作 I had a good job with an important accounting firm.
不缺女伴 I had plenty of dates.
表面看上去 我的生活非常满足 By all outward appearances,my life was very fulfilling.
但我仍旧感到痛苦 日益沮丧 Yet I was miserable and felt increasingly depressed.
6个月的心理疗法帮助我 Six months of psychotherapy had helped me
瞥见了 to catch an occasional glimpse
我不快乐的潜在原因 of the underlying cause of my unhappiness.
似乎与我的低自尊 It always seemed to involve low self-esteem
或自我否定有关 or my disapproval of myself.
不知怎么 我似乎对自己评价很低 Somehow it seems like I really did have a low opinion of myself,
这点让我很困惑 but I found that idea confusing,
因为我生活很成功" because of all the success in my life."
Bednar与Peterson谈到了 Bednar and Peterson talked,talk about,
自尊的矛盾 or introduce there the paradox of self-esteem.
这是他们的叫法 That's what they call it.
自尊与成功没有关系 Self-esteem is not associated with success;
与社会地位 金钱没有关系 it's not associated with social status,with money;
而是与其他因素有关 it's associated with other elements.
事实上 这一矛盾经常显示 In fact,as the paradox shows very often,
越成功遇到的困难越多 more success leads to more difficulty in this realm.
我希望对这种困难进行研究 It was this difficulty that
并且的确进行了研究 I wanted to explore and explored in my research.
这就是我之前谈到的公式 And this is the formulation that I introduced.
第一层自尊 是依赖型自尊 The first level of self-esteem was a dependent self-esteem,
因为我觉得自尊是一个构想 because what I felt was that self-esteem was a construct,
这还不够 was not enough,was not enough.
还有各种矛盾 The contractions there were plenty;
还有自尊无法解释矛盾 the paradox there was not explained by the notion of self-esteem.
所以我把自尊分为了三个部分 So I divided self-esteem into three parts
根据Lovinger的理论 based on the work of Lovinger
1960年代 她的研究是建立在Maslow she did her work back in the 60s,based on the work of Maslow,
Carl Rogers以及Nathaniel Branden理论的基础上的 based on the work of Carl Rogers and Nathaniel Branden
他们都谈到了这些问题 who had talked about these things.
但是我们仍是小众 But again,we are not in the majority;
大多数人讲到自尊时 most people who talked about self-esteem talked about it
仍把它当做独立的概念 as a single construct.
第二层自尊 The second component:
不取决于其他因素的自尊 self-esteem that is not contingent on others;
第三层自尊 本质上 and finally the third component essentially
甚至不必把它称为自尊 does not even need to be called self-esteem
而是一种自我感 simply a sense of self.
让我一个个来细说 Let me begin with each one,describing each one.
我分析每层自尊时 And what I'll do in describing each one
会从自尊的两个组成部分去讲 is talk about the two components of self-esteem.
所以本质上是建立了一个2x3列联表 So essentially what I'll create is a three by two:
三层自尊 the three types of self-esteem,
每一层与价值感 或者说自我尊重的关系 each one - how it relates to worthiness,to self-respect;
与能力的关系 and how it relates to competence
Nathaniel Branden理论里 自尊的两个组成部分 the two components of Nathaniel Branden's work.
首先 So first of all,
从价值感方面来看 in terms of worthiness - in terms of worthiness a person
高依赖型自尊的人 价值由他人决定 who has high dependent self-esteem is other determined.
他们喜欢 也需要别人的评估 They enjoy and they need the appraisal.
如果我讲座表现不错 If I do well in a lecture,
收到他人反馈让我感觉良好 and I get an external feedback that makes me great;
如果没得到正面反馈 我会感觉很糟糕 if I don't get great feedback,I feel awful.
如果我考试表现优异 If I do well on an exams,
得到助教或家长肯定 就感觉棒极了 I get good feedback from my TF or parents,I feel terrific.
如果有人说不喜欢我的某些言论 If someone tells me that they don't like something that I said,
我会感觉糟透了 I feel awful.
我的生活不断受到他人思想言论的影响 My life is constantly affected by what other people think or say,
甚至是我以为他们怎么想 他们的意思 or what I think that they think,or what I think that they mean.
不断的评估 其他人是怎么看我的 Constant evaluation - what do other people think of me?
仿佛他们是一面镜子 Like a looking glass -
仿佛从他们身上能看到镜中的自己一样 looking at other people as it reflects on me
把他们的评估当作自我感 and taking their evaluation as the sense of self that I have.
高依赖型自尊的人主要 People who have high dependent self-esteem are primarily,
不是全部 not only,
但主要是由他人的想法言论驱动的 but primarily motivated by what other people think and say.
我会从事高声望 I will choose a job that will yield the most prestige,
高社会地位的工作 the highest social status,
能给我带来最多的赞赏与表扬 that will yield the most accolades and praise.
我选择伴侣 I will choose a partner
会选择受大多数人喜爱的人 who I think most other people would approve of and like.
他们的自我感 取决于他人 Again,the sense of self - contingent on other people;
重要的决定 then important decision are made
都是根据别人的赞同或不赞同而做出的 based on other people's approval or disapproval.
第二 能力感 Second,sense of competence.
根据Branden理论 自尊的另一个组成部分 The second component of self-esteem according to Branden
来源于比较 comes through other comparison.
跟其他人比 我表现怎么样 How am I doing relative to other people?
如果考试中 我比其他人考得好 我会感觉很好 If I do better than others on the test,I feel great;
如果其他人考得比我好 if others do better than I do,
不管客观来说有多好或多差 no matter how objectively good or bad it is,
重要的是我跟其他人比表现怎么样 what matters is how I am doing relative to others.
William James抓住了这一点 William James captured this.
他说 "我自以为掌握了心理学一切 He said,"I,who have staked my all in psychology,
如果有人比我更了解心理学 我会感到被羞辱" am when others know more psychology than I."
与他人比较 Compared to other people.
事实上 大多数心理学家都把自尊 In fact most psychologists have talked about self-esteem
等同于依赖型自尊 as dependent self-esteem.
Cooley在他的著作中谈到了镜子的比喻 The work of Cooley,talking about the looking glass metaphor;
1934年Mead的著作 the work of Mead's,back in 1934,
谈到了依赖型自尊 talking about dependent self-esteem
我们根据他人言论或看法来评估自己 how we evaluate ourselves depends on what others say or think,
或者我们认为他们对我们的看法或言论 or what we perceive they think or say about us.
大多数思想家都谈到了这点 Most of the thinkers have talked about it.
这点形象地在童话中展示出来了 This is best captured;
我第一次上童话课时就想到了 this is what I thought about for the first time in Fairy Tales.
白雪公主里的邪恶皇后生动的表现了这点 This is best captured by the evil Queen:
"魔镜魔镜告诉我 谁是世界上最美的女人" "Mirror,mirror on the wall,who is the fairest of them all?"
只要魔镜说 And as long as the mirror says,
"你 皇后陛下 你是世界上最美的女人" 她就觉得心满意足 "You,my Queen,you are the fairest of them all," she feels great
一旦有人比她更漂亮 As soon as there is one person who is more fair than thee,
她就觉得蒙受奇耻大辱 immediately she's mortified.
说明了这种自尊的两个特点 The two components of self-esteem here:
首先 由他人决定 first of all,the other determined.
我问镜子谁漂亮 而不是由我自己决定 I'm asking a mirror to evaluate me,not self-determined.
所以我的价值感来源于外部 So my worthiness comes from an external source.
第二 通过比较而获得能力感 And second,competence - I compare myself to others.
有人比我更美吗 依赖型自尊 Is there anyone who is fairer than I? Dependent self-esteem.
现在我似乎把依赖型自尊贬得一无是处 Now I've quite literally now caricatured dependent self-esteem.
让我再说的清楚点 Let me make this very clear.
每个人都有依赖型自尊 Everyone has some dependent self-esteem.
我从未遇见或听说任何人 There is no person that I've met or have heard of,
能完全不受他人想法言论 who is oblivious to what other people think or say,
或社会比较的的干扰 or to social comparisons.
这是人的天性的一部分 It's part of human nature.
要支配天性 就必须服从天性 Nature to be commanded must be obeyed.
反抗天性 只会让其加剧 If we fight it,it will only intensify,
这学期我们已经看到过很多这方面的例子了 as we've seen numerous examples throughout this semester.
允许自己有人的缺点 Permission to be human
依赖型自尊也是人性的一部分 and part of being human is that we all have some dependent self...
问题在于程度 The question is of degree.
理解这个模型的一个关键是 The important thing to understand about this model,
这三个层面是一个渐成模型 these three levels is that it's an epigenetic model.
渐成模型 It is an epigenetic model.
我也不知道这是什么意思 And I've no idea what that means.No.
渐成是指必须通过第一阶段 Epigenetic is that you first need to get past the first stage
才能到达第二阶段 in order to get to the second stage;
必须通过第二阶段 you first need to get past the second stage
才能到达第三阶段 in order to get to the third stage;
不能越过某一级 比如 that you cannot skip,for example,
从第一阶段直接到第三阶段 跳过了第二阶段 from stage 1 to stage 3 without going through 2.
所以每个人都有依赖型自尊 So everyone experiences dependent self-esteem always.
但是 如果我们有健康的依赖型自尊 However,after a time if we have a healthy dependence,
这很自然 我们小时候都经历过 which is natural,which we all have at an earlier age,
一段时间后就会变成独立型自尊 later on it becomes independent.
如果我们能培养健康的独立型自尊 And if we are able to cultivate a healthy independent self-esteem
就能达到无条件自尊 we go up to the unconditional self-esteem,
达到互相依赖型 也就是最高层次 to the state of inter-dependence,which is the highest level.
但是即使在最高层次 其他两种还是存在的 But even at the highest level,we still have reminisce.
我们会一直拥有依赖型 And we will always have elements of the dependent
及独立型自我感 as well as the independent sense of self.
研究一开始时 When I started doing my research initially,
我想把独立型与依赖型对比 I said,I depicted independent versus dependent
我当时还没有想到无条件型 I hadn't thought of unconditional at the time
想当然地认为独立型好 依赖型坏 as independent good,dependent bad.
我试图摆脱依赖型自我 And I tried to get rid of the dependent self.
结果它反而强化了 And what happened - it just simply intensified.
变得更强烈 It simply got stronger.
我变得更加依赖 And I became even more dependent;
然而 一旦我开始接受它 whereas as soon as I started to accept it
记住吗 我说过 允许自己有人的天性 remember,I talked about it,permission to be human
一旦我接受它为人性的一部分 as soon as I accepted it as part of human nature,
对我的影响反而小多了 it actually lost much of its power over me.
人人都有依赖型自尊 只是程度不同 Still there as it is for everyone,but the question is of degree.
第二个层面是独立型自尊 The second level self-esteem,independent self-esteem.
顾名思义 As its name suggests,
这种自尊不取决于他人 that self-esteem - that's not contingent on other people.
在价值感方面 So in terms of worthiness,
我用自己的标准评估自己 I evaluate myself according to my own standards.
自我决定 I'm self-determined.
我自己评定写的书好不好 I determine how good a book that I wrote is.
最终的公断人是我自己 但我会参考 Ultimately - the ultimate arbiter: I do take into consideration
和听取其他人的意见 and listen to what other people are saying;
但是最终还是由我自己说了算 but at the end of the day I'm the one who decides.
在能力感方面 不与别人比较 而是与自己比较 Competence,not comparison to others but comparison to oneself.
我进步了吗 是不是比过去写得好了? Have I improved? Am I better writer today than I was in the past?
我的数学是不是比 Do I know more math today than I knew
学期初进步了 at the beginning of the semester?
我是不是比一开始能运用更多的 Am I able to apply more things from positive psychology
积极心理学知识了? than I applied initially?
不与室友比较 Not compared to my roommate
无论他懂的比我多还是少 who is applying so much more or so much less,
我只关注自己 but mostly focused on the self.
很多人都提到了这种自尊 Once again,people who wrote about this type of self-esteem:
Nathaniel Branden Abraham Maslow与Carl Rogers Nathaniel Branden,Abraham Maslow,Carl Rogers,
还有其他很多人 and a handful of others.
有依赖型自尊的人 A person who has dependent self-esteem
需要不断寻求他人肯定 looks for constant approval,
害怕批评 is afraid of criticism,
经常与完美主义相连 very often is associated with perfectionism;
而拥有独立型自我感的人 whereas the person has independent sense of self
寻求批评 looks for criticism.
这样的人其实不断寻找"美丽的敌人" In fact that person constantly looks for "beautiful enemies",
那些挑战他 people who will challenge him or her,
帮助他寻找真相的人 who will help them in their apprenticeship to the truth.
因为他们想要进步 Because they want to improve.
他们的动力 主要动力 Their motivation,their primary motivation is
是"我热爱什么?" "我喜欢什么?" "What am I passionate about?" "What do I care about?"
"我真正想做的是什么" "What do I really,really want to do with my life?"
他们想追求自我调节的目标 They are about pursuing self-concordant goals.
我的一个朋友Maltimore Devano A friend of mine,Maltimore Devano,
他是一位哲学家 写到自尊时曾说 philosopher writes about dependent self-esteem.
他是这么说有依整型自尊的人 He says this person answers or is associated with following:
我们说 想寻找真相 we say that we want the truth,
真正的意思是 我们希望自己是正确的 what do we mean is that we want to be correct.
我们说 想寻找真相 We say that we want the truth,
真正的意思是 我们希望自己是正确的 what do we mean is that we want to be correct.
许多依赖型自尊的人说 Many people with dependent self-esteem say,
"是的 我正在追求真理 "Yes,I'm really pursuing what is right,
追求高尚" what is true,what is noble",
但是实际上我们的动机 whereas actually the motivation
是为了保护自己免受批评 免受负面评价 is protecting the self from criticism,from negative evaluation,
避免这种依赖他人的自尊变得更低 from a lower sense of self-esteem that is contingent on others.
所以 不同于那些说想寻求真相 And once again,in contrast to saying we want the truth
其实只希望自己是正确的的人 meaning we want to be correct,
拥有独立型自尊的人 we have the person with independent self-esteem
想寻找美丽的敌人 who wants beautiful enemies,
他们才是正真追寻真相 who really is an apprentice to the truth.
总结一下 最初的2x2表 To summarize,initially the first two by two:
依赖型自尊 价值感由他人决定 dependent self-esteem - worthiness,determined by others.
我做一切主要是为了赞赏 表演 I do things for accolades,for praise primarily.
能力感 与他人相比我做得怎么样 And competence - how well I am doing relative to other people;
比他们好还是差 am I better or worse than them?
这决定了我的自尊 And that determines my self-esteem.
而独立型自尊的价值感和能力感是 In terms of my worthiness,in terms of independent self-esteem,
拿自己跟自己比罗 我进步了吗 I compare myself to myself - have I improved;
改进了吗 学到新东西了吗? am I getting better; am I learning?
我的价值感是由我自己的评估决定 And my worthiness is determined by my own evaluation.
第三个层次 无条件自尊 Third level,unconditional self-esteem.
从多个角度看 这甚至不算是自尊 In many ways,this is not even self-esteem.
因为其中没有涉及自尊 Because there is no esteeming involved here.
第一部分 价值感 The first component,worthiness,not contingent
不取决于他人评价 it's not contingent on other people's evaluations;
也不取决于自我评价 it's not even contingent on my evaluation.
我有充分的自信 不参与任何评价 I'm confident enough not to be engaged in evaluations.
其次是能力感 互相依赖 In terms of competence,it's interdependent.
不把自己与他人比较 I don't compare myself to how well I am doing relative to others,
也不与自己比较 nor even how well I'm doing relative to myself.
我处于某种状态 I am in a state of being.
与他人互相依赖 同时又怡然自得 Interdependence with others - fully comfortable in my own skin.
比如 For example,
一个高依赖型自尊的人写书 a person writing a book who has high dependent self-esteem
他的动力主要是将要获得的 is primarily motivated by the accolades,
赞赏和表扬 by the praise she or he will get;
高依赖型自尊的人 a person who has high dependent,or,
还会把他的书与其他人的比较 and also by how well that book is doing relative to other books;
高独立型人格的人写书 a person with independent self-esteem writes a book
他的快乐与满足的来源是 and derives pleasure and satisfaction from writing better
通过改进写得比过去好了 than he or she did in the past,from improving,
还有对书的自我评价 这本书写得真好 as well as from self-evaluation of the book: this is good.
而无条件型自尊的人只是写书 A person who has unconditional self-esteem simply writes a book.
为什么? 因为一旦他们 Why? Because he or she once,
有灵感 就会写出一本好书 if they have a good idea,a good book to be out there,
他们从他人的好书中 they derive as much satisfaction,
也能获得同样的满足与乐趣 as much pleasure when they see another person's book,who is good
他们互相依靠 They are interdependent.
他们视自己为团体一员 They see themselves as one with others.
所有人都有一定程度的依赖型自尊 Once again,everyone has some components of dependence,
一定程度的独立型自尊 some components of independence,
以及一定程度的无条件自尊 and some components of unconditional self-esteem.
问题在于程度 模型是渐成型的 The question is of degree.The model is epigenetic.
通常需要一辈子时间 It takes a lifetime very often
把无条件自我培养得越来越强 to cultivate more and more of the unconditional self.
我和其他赞同无条件自尊的学者 Now one of the criticism is that I face
受到的批评之一是 and other writes who have written about unconditional self-esteem
要达到这种状态 "我不在乎 is that to be at this stage of "Well,I don't really care or
不是很在乎我受到批评还是评价" don't care that much about whether I get criticism or evaluation"
就会变得与他人脱离了 对什么都不在乎 is that one becomes detached from others,that one does not care.
但情况不是这样 But that is not the case.
瞧 You see,
无条件自尊与佛教的超然 there are many parallels between unconditional self-esteem
有许多相似处 and the Buddhist conception of detachment.
我给你们读一段 Let me read to you something.
图丹却准法师的语录 This was written by the Buddhist nun,Thubten Chodron,
"通常 and I quote: "Ordinarily,
我们受到批评或侮辱时 会变得非常不安 we become very upset when we are criticized or insulted.
我们财产被偷时 会变得异常愤怒 We are angry when our possessions are stolen;
如果期望已久的升职被别人抢去 我们会嫉妒 we are jealous if someone else gets the promotion we wanted;
我们以自己的外表体能为荣 we are proud of our looks or athletic ability.
相比之下 当我们达到了超然的境界 By contrast,when we reach the state of detachment,
我们的头脑变得更明晰 our mind becomes clearer
懂的享受事物的原本 and more capable of enjoying things for what they are.
我们懂得把握现在 欣赏事物的原本 We live more in the present,appreciating things as they are now,
不再对它们有诸多幻想 without fantasies about what they are or will be.
我们对别人的一举一动 We become less ego-sensitive
不再那么敏感" to every action other people do in relation to us."
同时 超然或无条件自尊 Now at the same time,detachment or unconditional self-esteem
我正比较两者的相似点 which is the parallel that I'm drawing,
它们并不意味着冷漠 does not mean being indifferent
回避他人情感 or rejecting other people's feelings.
她继续说"相反地 当我们超然后 She continues,"On the contrary,when we are not attached,
我们与他人的关系变得更和谐 our relationships with others are harmonious,
事实上 我们更关心他们了 and in fact,we care more about them.
变得更有同情心 更同情他人" We become more compassionate,more empathetic toward others."
超然或无条件自尊只是指 Detachment or unconditional self-esteem simply means that
我们让自己远离 we are distancing ourselves
羡慕嫉妒 or not experiencing as much feelings of jealousy,
高傲自卑 feelings of envy,constant superiority or inferiority,
与他人对比的情绪 ongoing comparison to others.
我们和他们融为一体 It means,on many levels,that we are one with them.
这就是研究结果 This is what the research shows.
事实上 你可以把无条件自尊 You know,in fact,you can think about
比作看电影 unconditional self-esteem as parallel to going to a movie.
你去电影院 然后呢 When you are going to a movie,what happens?
你与角色产生了共鸣 You are empathizing with the characters there.
当他们经历艰难困苦时 When they go through a hard time,
你在心里也经历了一回 you experience a hard time viscerally;
当他们获得成功时 你也觉得获得了成功 when they thrive and succeed,you thrive and succeed.
你和他们融为了一体 You are one with them.
为什么? 因为你的自我不受威胁 Why? Because your ego is not threatened
他们的成功没有威胁到你 you are not threatened by their success;
他们的美貌没有威胁到你 their good looks are not threatening to you;
他们的成功对你来说不是威胁 their successes are not a threat to you.
为什么? 因为这只是电影 Why? Because it's just a movie.
想象一下 如果我们能有这种情感 Now imagine: if we could have these emotions,
感受而不是对立 feelings with as opposed to against,
想象在真实生活中拥有这些情感 imagine we could have these emotions in real life,
这样的人会有多强大? how much more powerful would they be?
这是电影的经历 This is the experience,again of a movie,
但对拥有高无条件自尊的人来说 but so much more powerful because it's real
会有多强大 of a person who has high levels of unconditional self-esteem.
培养自尊 无条件自尊需要时间 Cultivating self-esteem,unconditional self-esteem takes time.
这是一生的过程 It's a lifelong process.
类似学走路 In many ways,it's parallel to learning how to walk.
我们学走路是什么样的 一开始我们不会 What happens when we learn how to walk? Initially we can't.
一段时间后 我们会站起来 但需要帮助 After a while we are able to get up,but we need some help;
我们依靠椅子 父母支撑我们 we are dependent on a chair,on our parent to hold us,
依靠其他人 dependent on other people.
下一阶段 又过了一段时间 我们独立了 Next level - after a while,is independent.
能够自己走了 We are able to walk by ourselves.
但走的时候仍旧要想着抬脚 But we walk still by thinking about picking up this foot
而且觉得不安全 and we are precarious.
但我们是独立的 We are uncertain,but we are independent.
渐渐地 我们会自然的走了 Later on we simply and naturally walk.
不用再想着抬脚 We don't need to think about it constantly.
自我感与之相似 When it comes to a sense of self,
我们刚出生时 没有自我感 initially there is no sense of self when we are born.
一段时间后 自我感依赖于其他人 After a while,the sense of self is dependent on other people,
其他人的评价 other people's evaluation.
然后 过了一段时间 Then,after a while,
我们变得独立 不受他人影响 we become independent of what other people say,
试图坚持主见 or we try to assert our independence,
但是我们不断的评估自己 but we are constantly evaluating ourselves,
比较自己 constantly comparing ourselves.
最后 又过了一段时间 And then finally,after a while,
我们培养出来强烈的独立感 when we cultivate the strong sense of independence,
自然存在了 we simply and naturally exist.
这要顺其自然 That is if nature is allowed to take its course.
而这需要时间 And that takes time.
David Schnarch谈到普通人到了50岁 David Schnarch talks about the average person at the age of 50
懂得被了解而不是被认可 becoming known rather than validated
这就是强烈的无条件自尊 strong unconditional self-esteem.
Maslow认为人到了45或50岁 Maslow talks about the self-actualized person
才能自我实现 at the age of 45 or 50.
这就是无条件型自尊 That's unconditional self-esteem.
这需要时间 它是渐成的 It takes time; it's epigenetic.
但我们改进成长的这一过程 But the process itself,as we improve and grow,
是可以很愉悦的 is or can be as enjoyable,
就像学走路一样充满乐趣 as pleasurable as learning how to walk.
我们下周见 I'll see you next week.