大家好 下午好 早上好 Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar: Hi.Good afternoon.Good morning.
今天我们继续谈论爱情 Today we are going to continue talking about love.
讲之前先说一下 一位叫Nadia的同学 But before,if there is a Nadia in this room,
你的钥匙链落在这教室了 and you left a key chain in class.
就在我这里 We have it here.
课后请来我这里取 So please come and see me afterwards.
那我们来讲讲爱情吧 So let's talk about love.
上节课我们留下的问题多过答案 Last time,we left off with more questions than answers.
问题是…很难的问题 The question was- difficult question was
"我们怎样维持爱情 "how can we sustain love?
怎样在热恋期后维持激情" How can we sustain passion beyond the honeymoon phase?"
因为即便我们觅得自己的布拉德皮特 Because even if we did have our Brad Pitt or Halle Berry,
或海利贝瑞 也不能确保激情长存 that does not guarantee lasting passion.
其实真正能确定的是 In fact,what we know that does guarantee over time
我们和那个人历经的生理上的兴奋 is a waning of the physiological excitement that
会慢慢淡去 we experience when we are with that person.
这在一定程度上解释了几个数据 And that in part explains some of the statistics,
三分之二的婚姻以离婚告终 such as 2/3 of marriages end up in divorce,
那些即便以后没有分开 such as even those who do stay together
也是出于省事 after a while it's out of convenience,
出于责任 out of a sense of duty and not always,
而不是因为 or more often than not
曾经在一起时的那种激情 does not have the same sense of togetherness of passion
那种在恋情一开始时存在的 that existed at the beginning of the relationship
带着想要与之共度终生的 with all the good intentions and the hope of the life-long
彼此承诺与对方长相厮守的美好夙愿 committed relationship- marriage or otherwise.
若问"幸福心理学能为我们做什么?" And then we asked "what positive psychology can do for us?"
这是对另一个问题的提问 We asked the additional question to the normal question
另一个被问了很多年的问题 that has been asked for many years,
"为什么这么多恋情失败的例子"? which is "why do so many relationships fail?"
这问题很重要 很有必要问 It's an important question.It's necessary.
这个问题涵盖面远远不够 It's very far from being sufficient.
但这个问题犯了一个错误 And it leads to the same errors,
它有一个缺点 只问了消极的问题 to the same shortcomings that asking only the negative question
当我们研究问题少年 leads to when we are studying at risk youth,
时间管理与压力时 也犯了这样的错误 when we are studying time management and stress.
因为当我们只问了消极的问题时 Because when we only ask one of the questions,
我们就会看不到巴士上的孩子 what we are missing are the children on the bus,
这是一个比喻 metaphorically speaking.
我们就会看不到眼前真实的颜色 What we are missing are the colors in the reality in front us,
如果我们仅关注一个问题 if the only question we focus on is
"一共有多少几何形状?" 问题决定现实 "how many geometric shapes are there?" Questions create reality.
很多时候 如果我们不问某个问题 And very often,if we don't certain question,
某些答案就不会出来 certain answers are obscure and disappear.
所以我们来问这个问题 So we ask this question
不仅问"怎样让恋情维系下去" and we ask not just about "what makes relationships work",
还要问"怎样让恋情美好下去" but "what makes relationships thrive?"
如David Schnarch和John Gottman两位心理学家 And psychologists such as David Schnarch and John Gottman
在他们写的大作中 in their extraordinary books,
在他们的研究中 谈过这些方法特征 extraordinary research talk about some of these characteristics.
让我们来了解一下 So let's get into them.
第一个方法是努力 The first one is about working hard.
努力是世界上守得最好的秘诀 是成功的秘诀 This is the world's best kept secret.It's the secret of success.
是个人成功的秘诀 是感情成功的秘诀 It's the secret of personal success,of successful relationships.
成功没有捷径 There are no short cuts-
若想让一段恋情一直美好 if we want a relationship to thrive,to succeed,
我们就得为之努力 we need to put a lot of work in it.
这看起来似乎是不言而明的普遍常识 Now that seems self-evident,obvious common sense.
但在这个班上 我们经常体会到 But so often in this class we have seen
正如伏尔泰所说"常识没那么寻常" what Voltaire has remarked,"common sense is not that common."
为什么要用常识来维持一段恋情时 Now why is common sense not that common?
却发现这样的常识不是人人都有? When it applies to working hard in a relationship.
这是因为 The reason is because
很多人对恋情有着错误的期望 many people have wrong expectations of the relationship
或者确切的说 对美好的恋情有着错误的期望 or of what it means to have happy relationships specifically.
大多数人认为拥有一段美好的 Most people believe that the most important part
至死不渝的恋情的关键在于 of enjoying a happy life-long committed relationship
寻找到真命天子 is finding the right partner.
这确实重要 And that's certainly important,
但是错在了将重点放在寻找上面 but it is a mistake to focus on finding.
我们也套用一下Carol Dweck研究中的 People have- if we draw an analogy to Carol Dweck's research
固定心态和可塑心态的对比 on fixed versus malleable mindset-
人们有一种会破坏恋情的寻找心态 people have a finding mindset that hurts the relationship.
我来为大家解释一下 Let me explain.
先回到春假前我们讲过的知识 So going back- we did this before spring break.
Carol Dweck证明了 What Carol Dweck showed was
当人们获得游戏测试成绩后 when we praise people for their intelligence-
我们赞赏他们"你真聪明" "oh you are so smart"-
这时他们就有了固定心态 after doing well on the test,they enter the fixed mindset.
相反 如果我们赞他们"你真努力" Versus if we praise them for "oh you've worked so hard".
他们就有了可塑心态 这两种心态都会产生影响 They have a malleable mindset.And that has consequences.
因为固定心态 Because the fixed mindset-
即赞赏"你真聪明"帮不上什么 the intelligence- "you are so smart" doesn't help them much.
却在他们进入下一轮测试时 And then when they go to the next puzzle,
当测试变难 威胁到对自己的自我定位 next task which is difficult,that threatens their schema-
"若做不出来 "oh if I don't get it,if I don't succeed,
便说明我不聪明了" 这时他们便更容易放弃 it means I'm no longer smart." And they give up more easily.
他们更易被失败威胁到 They are more threatened by failure.
他们也无法享受过程 And they don't enjoy the process.
他们变成了完美主义者 They become perfectionists,
或者说更倾向于变成完美主义者 or more likely to become perfectionists.
这就是固定心态 OK,so this is the fixed mindset.
你真聪明 你的智商真高 You are so smart.You are so intelligent.
而可塑心态 "你真努力" The malleable mindset- "oh you work so hard".
我会努力做的 Oh I can work with that.
即便我没成功 没做好 So even if I don't succeed,don't do well,
我也照样能学习 能够更享受过程 I can still learn and I do learn to enjoy the process more.
这就是可塑心态 So that's the malleable mindset.
现在将这个理论运用到恋情上来 Now let's draw an analogy to what we've just discussed here.
如果我认为拥有一段至死不渝的 If I believe that the most important thing
幸福的恋情的最关键所在 about enjoying life-long,committed,
寻找到真命天子 happy relationship is finding the right partner,
这里的寻找心态就相当于 I enter what I call- again by analogy,the finding mindset,
Dweck提出的固定心态 which will be an equivalent to Dweck's fixed mindset.
假设我现在就有这种寻找心态 And then let's say I have this mindset.
认为这是最重要的事 This is the most important thing.
此时若我们的恋情经历一段艰难岁月 And then we go through a rough patch in our relationship.
接下来会怎样呢?我会开始思索 Then what happens? Then I begin to think "wait a minute.
"不对 我肯定是还未找到真命天子 Something's wrong here.I must have not found the right partner.
我肯定弄错了 找错了对象" I must have made a mistake- an error of judgment."
这种心态常会让情况恶化 And that very often leads to a worsening of the situation.
可能会导致恶性循环 And it can,doesn't always,but can lead to a downward spiral.
这就是寻找心态 This is the finding mindset.
因为这种心态是固定的 我找到了白马王子 Because it's fixed I found my knight in shining armor.
我找到了自己的女神 我的皮特我的贝瑞 I found my dream woman.I found my Brad Pitt,my Halle Berry.
问题是现实总是残酷的 And you know that problem is that reality inevitably hits.
我们无法脱离现实 We can't run away from it.
现实证明完美的恋情根本不存在 And reality dictates that there are no perfect relationships.
记住Leo Buscaglia曾说过 Remember that Leo Buscaglia's quote about,
"完美的爱情少之又少" "perfect love is rare indeed."
不 不是少 而是没有 No it's not rare.It doesn't exist.
当我们意识到 And when we realize that-
若我们有了寻找心态 这种固定心态 if we have the finding mindset,the fixed mindset,
它会威胁到我们的自我认定 it threatens our schema.
一有矛盾发生我们就开始琢磨 There is inconsistency and then we begin to think
"估计我还没找到真命天子" "well I probably did not find the right person."
若我们反过来抱着培养心态 这种心态是可塑的 In contrast,if we have the cultivating mindset,that's malleable
它与我们的努力相关 "好的 That's related to the effort part- "OK.
我们的感情碰到了困难 So we are going through a hardship.
我们在经历困境 We are going through difficulty.
但不怕 因为我们在努力改善 But it's OK.Because we are working on it.
我们在努力解决问题" We are working to resolve it."
这就像那些被赞扬努力的学生 "好的 It's like the students who were praised for their effort- "OK.
虽然我现在解决不了问题 So I'm not solving this puzzle now.
但又怎样呢?我在努力 But so what? I'm putting in a lot of effort.
我在尝试 我甚至在享受这过程" I'm trying; I'm even enjoying the process."
看这类比多么相似 Dweck研究的心态 Look at the direct parallel here between Dweck's work
和我们用在恋情上的心态 on mindset and our mindset when it comes to relationships.
如此之重要 两种心态 结果相差甚远 So important- it makes such big difference.
很多时候我们是可以转变这心态的 And very often we can switch it-
不是马上可以变 但也不用太多时间 not immediately,relatively promptly.
要知道Carol Dweck能靠一个 Remember Carol Dweck was able to change mindset of people
几小时的实验就将人们的心态转变 in a single experiment,in a few hours.
我们也能在对待恋情上转变心态 And we can do the same in our relationship
只要我们真正接受并内化一个事实 if we truly accept and internalize the fact
那就是在一段恋情中 找到真命天子 that relationships or finding the right partner,
找到合适的人 当然重要 a good partner is of course important.
但培养一段感情更重要 It is much more important to then cultivate that relationship.
这个一会再讲 We'll get to that in a minute.
但是问题接踵而来 But the question then arises:
为什么人们会有寻找心态呢? so why do people have the finding mindset?
如果培养心态更健康 Why do people have or not have the cultivating mindset?
为什么人们没有培养心态呢? If it is healthier.
主要原因之一在于电影 现在的电影很精彩 One of the main reasons are the movies.Now movies are wonderful.
电影很棒 向我们展现一切皆有可能 They are terrific.They show us what is possible.
亚里士多德曾对小说发表如下看法 Aristotle once said about art that it's -or about fiction-
小说远重于历史 that it's more important than history,
因为历史只是白描 because history depicts things as they are,
而小说却将一切描述到了极致 whereas fiction depicts things as they can and ought to be.
所以说电影是很美好的 So it's a wonderful thing;
它让我们看到了可能性 it shows us some model of what's possible,
尤其是浪漫的电影 especially the romantic movies.
这里的浪漫不是指爱情上的浪漫 I don't mean romantic in terms of love,
是指18 19世纪的浪漫主义 romantic in the 18th,19th centuries sense of romantic,
向我们展示事物可以有多美好 showing us how things can work,how things can become,
潜在的人性 我们与世界的关系 the potential,human nature relationships of our world.
这是件很美妙的事 So it's a wonderful thing.
但是电影有一点没做好 But one thing that movies don't do well is that
电影聚焦于找到真命天子 they focus on the finding of the right partner,
于是这就巩固加强了寻找心态 and hence very often entrench,reinforce the finding mindset.
因为大多数电影 Because most of the movies,
爱情故事总是这样的 有挣扎 love stories look like this: there are struggles;
有争吵 有意见相左 there are fights; there are disagreements;
途中挑战不断 there are challenges on the way.
到最后 And then at the end,
Smith夫妇走到了一起 从此幸福生活 Mr and Mrs Smith get together and they live happily ever after.
荧幕落下 他们走向夕阳 The screen drops and they walk into the sunset.
你们知道这画面有什么问题吗? You know what problem is with that picture?
问题就在于 爱情才刚开始 电影就结束了 The problem is that movies end where love begins.
荧幕落下后才要开始真正的努力 It is after the screen drops that the actual work starts.
在刚开始时 要恋情顺利是很容易的 It is easy to have a good relationship at the beginning,
蜜月期 the honey moon phase
或者说一开始的一两年 or you know through the first year or two usually.
但是这之后 But then what happens after a while
当最初的肉体上 生理本能淡去 when the initial physical,physiological instinct wanes?
当我们开始意识到 What happens when we start to recognize and understand
我们的伴侣并不完美时会怎样? and realize and see that- well this partner is not perfect.
会怎样?这就是爱情开始的时候了 What happens then? Well,that's when true love begins.
这也是真爱得以培养并形成之际 And that's where true love is cultivated and formed.
我并不是贬损寻找 Now I'm not belittling the importance of finding a partner,
真命天子的重要性 the right partner,the right person for us.
这当然重要 It is of course important.
通常找到王子前要亲无数只青蛙 And often it takes kissing many frogs before we find our prince.
但是对于一份美好而持久的恋情 But the more important part of a thriving long term relationship
培养更重要 is the cultivation.
这才是努力开始的地方 This is where the effort starts.
在日落之后 困难与险阻浮现 It's after the sunset; the difficulties and hardships rise.
与寻找心态紧紧相连的 Now connect it to this,to the mindset is the notion
是真命天子只有一个这样的观念 that there is only one right person for us.
我所需要做的就是 And all I need to do,all I need to dedicate all my effort
穷尽一生找到那个真命天子 and time to is find that right person.
如果得去耶鲁大学找 And if I have to go all the way to Yale
我也会愿意去 I'll go there to find that person.
就像是莎翁悲剧的现代版 A modern version of a Shakespeare in tragedy perhaps.
不论需要做什么 我都愿意做 Whatever I need to do I will do it-
只要能找到真命天子 just to find that one right person-
即便我在波士顿 他们在西雅图 even if I'm in Boston,they are in Seattle.
我总会找到真命天子 I will find that right person.
我不信这套 不现实 I don't believe that.It's simply not true.
这不是信念的问题 It's not the matter of faith.
我的意思是 很多人 I mean we know many people
觉得找到了真命天子 who thought they found the right person,
也许确实是找到了 maybe did find the right person,
却因为不幸的原因 and then either for tragic reasons
或是为了正确的原因 没能继续下去 or for good reasons they were no longer together.
他们之后反而找到更多爱情 And they found more love.
这世界上有60亿人口 There are 6 billion people in the world.
真命天子绝非仅一个 There's more than one right person.
那么是什么让恋情独特的呢? So what makes relationship unique?
不是找到真命天子 It's not finding that one right person.
而是与你选择的恋人培养恋情 Once again it's cultivating that one chosen relationship.
通过共同的努力 共同在一起 It's by virtue of working together,of being together,
共同度过 彼此奉献 of spending time together,of dedicating one another.
这是创造一段恋情的方式 That's how we create the one chosen relationship,
一段独特的恋情 one special relationship.
让两个"我"变成一个"我们" That's how two separate "I"s become a "we".
再次重申 这不能在一夜间完成 And again to do that,it doesn't happen over night.
甚至不能在一两年里完成 需要时间 It doesn't even happen in a year or two.It takes time.
事实上感情没有完成一说 这是一个过程 In fact,it doesn't happen; it is happening.It's a process.
它无关恋情的成功 It's not about success in a relationship;
而是恋情的延续 it's about succeeding in a relationship.
恋情的培养不仅靠交换戒指 We cultivated relationship not just simply by putting on the ring
或是结婚誓言 or by giving the vows.
而更要靠共同参与 It's by doing things together.
这为什么很重要呢? Why is that so important?
我们讲一下心理学其他领域的研究 Let me draw on some research from other areas of psychology.
我在其他场合曾提过几次 And this is something that I mentioned on a couple of occasions.
Muzafer Sherif在20世纪50年代 Some of the most important work done by Muzafer Sherif
完成的伟大研究之一 在Muzafer Sherif之前 back in the 1950s,and until Muzafer Sherif came along.
我之前说过了 人们有这样一个假说 As I mentioned before,the hypothesis that people had
当要解决人际冲突 when it comes to resolving interpersonal conflicts
或者群体间冲突时 or inter-group conflicts,
人们认为此时的解决方法就是 the belief that people had was that
让冲突双方聚在一起就行了 all you need to do is get the conflicting sides together.
这个主流假说被称为"接触假说" The dominant hypothesis was what's called "contact hypothesis".
让冲突双方相接触 Get the two conflicting sides in touch with one another
无论是族群冲突 whether it's conflicting ethnic groups,
还是个人间冲突 whether it's conflicting individuals.
让他们聚在一起 冲突就能解决 Get them together and you will resolve the conflict.
这一理论主要由Gordon Allport提出 This was much of the work done by Gordon Allport
在20世纪30年代我们的心理学系 in our department here back in the 1930s.
Muzafer Sherif出现后 指出这不行 Muzafer Sherif comes along and shows that that's not the case.
事实上 仅让冲突双方聚首 In fact,just bringing them together,
让冲突双方接触 just the contact of the conflicting sides very often,more often
通常反而会激化矛盾 而非解决矛盾 than not intensifies the conflict rather than resolve it.
我讲这个时 用阿以冲突作为例子 And I gave this in a context of Arabic-Israelis conflict,
那里的人们聚在一起 where people just got together
希望能实现两国间的和平交往 and hope that there will be peace in our time.
但反而挑起了更多的战争 仅接触是不够的 And instead we got more war in our time.Contact is not enough.
不仅不适用于国家间冲突 Not when it comes to bringing nations together;
不适用于族群间冲突 not when it comes to bringing ethnic groups together;
也不适用于夫妻间冲突 and not when it comes to bringing a couple together.
一段恋情中 发生冲突不可避免 You see in a relationship,inevitably there are conflicts.
这世上没有完美的恋情 Inevitably.There is no perfect relationship.
即便有了完美恋情 And if there were perfect relationship,
也会有冲突的完美恋情 it would not be a conflict-free relationship,
对此马上会为大家讲解到 as we'll see shortly.
我们的恋情会有冲突 So there are conflicts in our relationship-
不是在第一年里出现 whether it's during the first year
就是在两三年后出现 or whether it's after two or three years.
而至于重大冲突 这里不是指 And serious conflicts- I'm not just saying about you know,
类似于"你怎么不放下马桶盖" conflict about "well you should put down the toilet seat"
"把马桶盖掀起来"的冲突 or "keep it up".
当然马桶盖冲突也会变得很严重 I mean serious conflicts.Well that could be serious I guess.
但我指的是其他重大冲突 But other serious conflicts.
当这样的重大冲突出现时 And when there is a conflict,
一段关系中的双方只是聚在一起 and all the couples are doing together,simply being together,
相互接触 in touch with one another-
这不足以解决冲突 that's not enough to resolve that conflict.
很多情况下 反而会由小冲突 And very often it will start as a minor conflict
转化为大冲突 冲突逐渐升级 and then get worse- spiral up,or rather spiral down over time.
Sherif对此有什么建议?我们研究出什么方法了? So what does Sherif say and what do we know today?
解决冲突的要点之一 That the important thing in resolving conflicts
在于确立一个超然目标 is having a super ordinate goal.
当两个民族或国家共同努力 When the two ethnic groups,when the two nations work together,
彼此互助 and are inter-dependent-
无论在公事上还是恋情上 whether it's in business,or in a relationship,
例如共同抚养孩子 只要共同努力 it could be raising children- but doing the things together,
不管属于同一个政治阵营 or belonging to the same political campaign,
还是相对立的两个政治阵营 都可以 or opposite political campaigns- that's fine.
只要共同努力 But working together,
彼此支持对方 当你们共同努力 supporting one another and when you have the working together,
共同参与时 the doing together,
才是你们可能解决冲突之时 that's when you are most likely to resolve the conflicts.
我们很快就会看到这样的冲突 And in fact these conflicts as we'll see shortly
反而还能让恋情变得更加巩固 can make the relationship even stronger.
但情侣间需要共同的有意义的目标 But the couple need mutually meaningful goals.
再说一遍 可以是一起要个孩子 And again,it could be having children together
共同抚养 and raising the children together.
不是"我们有个孩子 You know not just the "OK.We had the child.
由父亲或母亲抚养 And then the mother or the father raise the kid-
通常会是母亲"这样 more often the mother."
这样不算是共同努力了 And OK.So we did something together.No.
孩子必须处于一种微妙的位置 The kid has to be to put in a very delicate and-
用专业术语来说 孩子应是合资企业 I'm sure appropriate terms- the kid has to be a joint venture.
用这个术语来比喻生孩子是不是很有爱? Isn't it a lovely term to describe having kids?
只要他们不带来任何坏账 As long as they don't bring any bad debt
对他们的投资会带来很好的回报 or you know there is a good return on investment.
非常适合的经济学术语 Yeah,just the right language there.
琢磨琢磨一下就往上套 Took me a while to think about it.
共同做事 共同抚育孩子 So working together,bringing up the kids together,
或是共同参与竞选 or being on campaigns together,
或在工作上给对方帮助 但要共同为之 or helping one another at work but doing things together.
John Gottman说过"最稳固的婚姻里 John Gottman: "In the strongest marriages,
丈夫与妻子彼此间深度融合 husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning.
他们不只是一起生活 They don't just "get along"-
他们还支持彼此的愿望与抱负 they also support each other's hopes and aspirations
为他们的生活融入共同的目标" and build a sense of purpose into their lives together."
这不是说他们要什么都一起做 That doesn't mean that they have to do everything together.
我的意思是 I mean it's OK
他或她可以在工作上有自己的目标 for one to have his or her own meaningful goals at work,
而他们并不一起工作 这完全没问题 where they don't work together- that's perfectly fine.
但是必须要有他们共同做的事 But in addition there have to be things that are done together.
换言之 我们需要的是主动的爱情 In other words,what we need is an active kind of love.
我第一次理解主动爱情的含义 You know the first time I really understood
还是通过Shahar给我讲的一个故事 the meaning the active love was through a story that Shahar
他是我在以色列最好的朋友之一 who's one of my best friends in Israel told me.
我们过去是同班同学 We were in the same class,
不过他很早就结婚了 but he got married at a relatively young age.
他二十出头就结了婚 很快有了儿子 It was in his early 20s and had his first kid soon after.
他是一个非常善于自省 And he is very introspective,
很诚实很正直的人 very honest,high levels of integrity.
他告诉我 刚生儿子Noam时 And he told me at the beginning when he had Noam,
当他的母亲与妻子带着Noam从医院回到家 when Noam came home from hospital with his wife,his mom,
Shahar并未感受到对Noam的爱 Shahar didn't really feel love toward Noam.
儿子很可爱 很招人喜欢 He was very cute and adorable.
但他对儿子没有自己想象中 But he didn't feel a strong sense of love that
那么深爱 he thought he should have felt.
更别提他对此有多愧疚了 Needless to say he felt enormously guilty about it.
幸运的是这没有持续很久 That didn't last for long fortunately.
因为自从Shahar开始照顾儿子 Because as soon as Shahar started to taking care,
比如为他换尿布 started taking care of Noam which meant changing his diapers,
大半夜起来给他喂奶 which meant getting up in middle of the night and feeding him,
带他散步 给他擦洗身体 which meant taking him for walks,which meant cleaning after him-
爱就这样培养出来了 that's when the love was cultivated.
平生第一次他感到了 That's when he started to feel a deep sense of fatherhood
父亲对儿子的爱 for the first time.
这感情不是自然而然便有的 So it wasn't natural.
对有些人是天生的 尤其是女性 For some people it is natural- for women more often,
但不是女生都是这样 总体来说高于男人 but not always,more often than men.
我们可以等着这感觉自然发生 So we can rely on and wait for this natural thing to happen
也可以主动参与其中 or we can actively engage in activities
表达我们的爱 that show and illustrate our love.
还记得自我知觉理论吗? Remember self-perception theory?
我们总是以自己的行为为基础 We very often form theories and beliefs about ourselves
形成自我的理论及信条 based on how we behave.
我们过去曾讲过的例子 So examples we used in the past:
如果我想象自己会去约会某人 if I see myself going up to someone and ask them out,
即便她们说不 我也感到了自信 even if they say no,I perceive myself as someone with confidence
无论对方答不答应 我的自尊都会上升 And my self-esteem will go up,regardless of the response.
若我想象自己能去演戏 If I see myself trying out for plays,
我会感到自己是有勇气的 I will perceive myself as someone courageous.
如果我感到自己 If I perceive myself as...
如果我照顾自己 我会感到自己 If if I take care of myself,I'll see myself
是自尊自爱 关心自己或关心她的人 as someone with self-esteem who cares about him or herself.
这对孩子也是一样的 So the same with children.
若我想象自己能照顾孩子 If I see myself taking care of my child,
根据自我知觉理论 我会得出 my conclusion in self-perception theory
"我一定很爱那孩子"的结论 is "oh I must love that child".
这爱会随着时间而加深 And that love actually intensifies over time,
无论是对孩子还是对伴侣 whether it's with children,whether it's with partners.
爱情开始时也许是自发感受到的 We may experience the love automatically at the beginning;
也许是一见钟情 it could be the love at the first sight.
尽管如此 若我们不主动维持爱情 However,if we don't sustain the active love,
长此以往 由于自我知觉理论 over time because of self-perception theory,
那份最初的激情会淡去 over time that will go away.
因为我们没在恋情中有所投入 Because I don't invest anything in a relationship,
自我知觉理论会告诉我们 self-perception theory-
"这恋情对我一定不怎么重要" "oh it must not be that important for you."
爱情慢慢淡去 更不必提 And then the love wanes- not to mention
激情被时间冲刷掉的生理原因了 all the physiological reasons why it wanes over time.
如果没有主动爱情 则恋情无以为继 So if there isn't the active love,it cannot be sustained.
我们怎样维持爱情?保持主动? How do we sustain love? How do we remain active?
恋情老规矩 我们谈过老规矩 Realtionship rituals.You know we talked about the rituals.
我跟你们讲过我和我妻子的老规矩 I told you about the rituals that
至少每周两次 my wife and I had usually- have,two days a week,
与全家共进晚餐 meals with the whole family additional at least.
一般每周会有三四次 Once a week,usually it's three or four times a week.
但我们确有这些老规矩 But we have these rituals.
因为在现代社会 若没有这些老规矩 Because without rituals,in our modern world,
用Steven Covey的话说是 重要却非紧急 the important yet not urgent in the words of Steven Covey,
重要却非紧急的活动就会被冷落 the important and yet not urgent activities will take a backseat.
即便我们知道出去约会很重要 So yeah we know it's important to go on dates.
但不如刚接到的工作来电紧急 But it's not as urgent as phone call I just receive from work
所以我不得不放弃约会 留下来加班 然而若有老规矩 and I have to wait or stay at work,whereas if there is a ritual,
不管遇到什么事都坚持老规矩 感情就得以维持 if we do it no matter what then it will sustain itself.
第二种维持爱情重要的途径是 The second way and extremely important way of sustaining love
做出改变 is making that shift
从想要被认可 到想要被了解 from desire to be validated to the desire to be known.
这个建议来自David Schnarch This advice that I got from David Schnarch
出自他的书"充满激情的婚姻" in his book "Passionate Marriage"-
就是这个简单的建议 this single advice
真正地改变了我与人们的关系 has quite literally transformed my relationships,
包括我与妻子的恋情 whether it's my romantic relationship with my wife
我与朋友的友情 or my relationship with my friends,
与家人的亲情 甚至于师生情 family members as well as students.
这点在以前提过 再讲深一点 And I mention this before,and I want to go more in depth here.
因为这对维持激情至关重要 Because it is so crucial for sustaining passion,
对于维持友情 维持快乐 for sustaining friendship,for sustaining happiness.
维持个人内心的 以及人与人间的快乐 Individual- intrapersonal as well as inter-personal happiness.
这意味着什么呢? So what does that mean?
什么叫被了解而非被认可呢? What is being known rather than being validated mean?
首先 David Schnarch及其他心理学家 First of all one thing that David Schnarch and others have shown
表明了 如果我们想在蜜月期后 在一见钟情后 is that if we want to sustain passion beyond the honeymoon phase,
仍然维持着激情 beyond the time when it's automatic,
我们就得形成深层次的亲密关系 what we need to do is form deeper levels of intimacy.
那些接受我们研究调查的伴侣 And couples- again now we are studying couples
他们已共同生活了几十年 who have been together for 20,30,40 years
却依然有着充满激情的恋情 and still have a passionate relationship.
很不幸 这样的伴侣少之又少 Couples who do that,the tip of the stem unfortunately,
但确实存在 but couples who do that,
他们的一生都在培养 并一直培养 have cultivated and continue to cultivate-
而非花一生时间寻找亲密关系 not find- cultivate intimacy throughout their lives.
你们知道怎样培养亲密关系吗? And how do you cultivate intimacy?
通过逐渐了解对方 By getting to know one another more and more,
逐渐加深了解 more deeply,more meaningfully.
通过理解对方 By understanding one another,
通过像了解自己一样了解对方 by getting to know one another as we know ourselves.
这意味着 我们若决心让对方了解自己 And that means that if we are up to be known by the other partner
我们就必须打开心扉 that means we must open up.
我们必须吐露心声 That means we must reveal.
这意味着我们得彼此分享 That means we need to share of ourselves-
不只是那些在首次约会分享的 not just the wonderful and the amazing and the terrific things
精彩美妙的事 当然也包括这些 that we share on the first date.That too.
但是除此以外 But in addition,
还包括一些让我们不怎么自豪的事 also the things that sometimes we are not that proud of.
也许是我们的缺点 Our weaknesses perhaps.
也许是我们耻于提及的 Some of the things that maybe we are ashamed of,
让我们觉得不舒服 that we don't feel very comfortable...
不为人知的事情 That no one knows about us.
这些事不会在首次约会上讲出来 Now that does not happen on the first date-
这也不该在首次约会讲 it shouldn't happened on the first date.
很多情况下 甚至不会在五年十年内讲 Very often it doesn't happen after 5 or 10 years.
只有经过长年累月的信任加增 It happens gradually over time as trust increases,
逐渐坦露出来 and reveal more and more...
有时我们坦露的是 Sometimes we reveal things about ourselves
自己都不知道的 that we didn't even know that existed;
被我们压抑了很久的事 that we repressed or suppressed over time.
但这需要时间 But it takes time,
这也是要回到David Schnarch关于 which is why going back to David Schnarch's quote
脂肪团和性能力的言论上 about cellulite and sexual potential,
这通常发生在10年20年30年后 that usually happens after age 10,20,30 years,
这也是为什么到了五六十岁时 which is why at the age of 50 and 60,
甚至会有比18 20 30岁时 there is even better sexual potential
更强的性能力 than at the age of 18 or 20 or 30.
倒不是说18 20 30岁时不好 Doesn't mean it can't be great at 18,20 and 30,
而是会比年轻时更好 为什么? but it can be even greater.Why?
因为有了更深层的亲密联系 Because deeper levels of intimacy,deeper level of connectedness.
若我们理解了充满激情的关系的本质 A lot of look forward to,
这段关系就有很多东西值得我们期待 if we understand what is the nature of passionate relationship.
这不能仅靠"我们在一起 It cannot just rely on "well we came together;
我找到了梦中情人 我们会幸福一生" I found my princess/prince charming and we'll live happily after"
不是这样的 这有时是有风险的 No,it means also taking risks at times.
意味着除了坦露我们内心深处的需求 It means revealing over time our deepest desires,
我们最深的幻想 our deepest fantasies,
我们最厉害的长处 还有我们的缺点 our greatest strengths as well as our weaknesses,
我们的不安及痛苦 our insecurities and our passions.
要坦露 要敞开心扉 就要做到这些 That is what it means to be revealed,to open up,to share.
这意味着 What it means is that
一段健康的恋情 需要我们表达自己 a healthy relationship is about expressing ourselves
而非长期抑制自己 rather than trying to constantly impress.
这就是被了解与被认可的区别 This is the difference between being known-
被了解是要表达自己 express versus being validated- let me impress her;
被认可则是要取悦别人 let me impress him; let me impress them.
这样做是有缺点 The thing about this is that- yes,
敞开心扉表达自己风险更高 it is more risky to open up,to express ourselves.
因为若她不喜欢这样的我 怎么办? Because what if she doesn't like me?
如果他深入了解我后 不喜欢我怎么办? What if he doesn't like what he finds out about me?
但是要知道当我们表达自己时 But you see when we express,
我们更可能收获一段美好的恋情 we are more likely to have a thriving relationship-
但是没什么可以保证一定就有好恋情 it's not guaranteed by any stretch of imagination.
这无法保证的 It's not guaranteed.
然而若我们一味抑制自己 失败是肯定的 However if we just impress,we are guaranteed failure.
原因如下 Here is why.
首先 当我们逐渐敞开心扉 First of all,when we express,generally,over time,
也许短时间内没有效果 但是 maybe not in the short term,but over time,
随着时间的流逝 人们会被我们吸引 people will be more attracted to us,-
特别是我的伴侣会逐渐更喜欢我 specifically my partner will like me even more over time
因为我们有了深层次的亲密关系 because of our deeper levels of intimacy,
即便有时他们对于刚了解的 even they sometimes find out things that
关于我们的事不是很喜欢或赞赏 they don't necessarily like or adore or appreciate.
但久而久之 真诚的人 Over time it's people who are genuine,
会吸引到其他人 who will attract other people and-
而且 这种方法也适用于 by the way this applies in the realm of –
人际关系领域 of course- interpersonal relationships.
它适用于友情 It applies in the realm of friendships.
适用于提高领导能力 And it applies in the realm of leadership- the greatest leaders,
像Peter Drucker阐述的那样 as Peter Drucker has illustrated,
最伟大的领导不是最有魅力的 are not the people who are the most charismatic.
也不是最迷人的那些人 They are not the people who are the most engaging.
而是极其诚实正直的人 They are the people who have the highest levels of integrity.
这样的领导 These are the leaders
他的属下会长久追随他 whom followers follow over time in a long term.
无论是团体间的人际关系 So whether it's interpersonal group relationships
还是个人之间的私交关系 or individual relationships,
只要我们坦诚 就更可能被容纳接受 when we express ourselves,we are much more likely to thrive.
第二件应该时刻谨记的是 The second thing though is,that's important to keep in mind,
如果我给人留下了一个很好的印象 is that let's say I impress and I do such a good job of it
使得这个人 或者这群人 都很喜欢我 that the other person or the other group actually likes me.
这奏效了 我成功了 It worked.I won.
可这是真的吗?他们喜欢的是谁呢? Well,have I? Who do they really like?
他们喜欢的是我还是那个形象 Do they like me or do they like that image,
是我塑造的那个戴着面具的人吗? that facade that I put on.
换言之 他们喜欢的不是真正的我 In other words,it's not me that they really like.
也许看起来是 但那不是真的 And it may look like it.But it's pretense.
这喜欢是假象 换言之 我失败了 It's make-believe.It's not the real thing.In other words,I lose.
而且这种假象也维持不了太久 And it certainly cannot sustain itself over time.
所以说坦诚相待更可能持久 So we have more likelihood of succeeding when we express;
而当我们的目标是给人留下一个好印象时 and zero likelihood of succeeding in the long term
这种情形持久的可能性为零 when our primary objective is impress.
这并不是要你在第一次约会 Now this does not mean going on first date
就放弃尝试给对方留下深刻印象 and not trying to impress.
我是说我还没见过谁没尝试过 I mean I've not met anyone
在首次甚至第十次约会 乃至第十次约会 who has not tried to impress on the first date or the 10th,
给对方留下深刻印象 这是可以的 or after 10 years- that's OK.However,
然而 共同生活最重要的动因是什么? what is the primary motivator in our time being together?
就像我们前面说的那样 敞开心扉 Just like we reveal,we open up,we share,
我们还需要积极努力 we also need to get and make active effort
去了解我们的伴侣 去了解他们爱喝的红酒 to get to know our partner,to know what their favorite wine is,
喜欢的花 what their favorite flowers are;
他们喜欢哪里被咯吱 哪里喜欢被触碰 where they like to be tickled,where they like to be touched;
他们怕什么 渴望什么 what are their fears,what are their desires;
什么时候该给他们一些独处的空间 when is it a good time to maybe give their own space,
什么时候该和他们沟通 when is it a good time to talk to them,
什么时候该触碰他们 when is it a good time to touch them.
所有这些都需要时间 And all these things take time.
这不可能在首次约会时实现 It doesn't happen on the first date.
也不会在第一年里实现 It doesn't happen in the first year.
不会在头10年或30年全部实现 And it doesn't all happen in the first ten years,or thirty years
这意味着我们要用一生的时间 That's what it means to create a lifelong thriving relationship
去了解对方 营造一生的美好恋情 that we get to know the other person throughout our lives.
我的祖父祖母 My grandfather and grandmother,my role models,
是我在感情方面的榜样 when it comes to relationships,
他们在一起50年后 还在继续了解对方 got to know each other deeper and better after 50 years as well.
他们的感情很好 They did thrive; they were thriving.
他们的感情还没圆满 而是正在圆满 They did not succeed; they were succeeding,growing together.
David Schnarch说过 David Schnarch:
"亲密就是让你自己被真正的了解 "Intimacy is about letting yourself really be known,
即使是你或你伴侣不喜欢的 也要被了解 including parts that you or your partner don't like.
但这并不代表坦露的都是缺点 But it's not just about letting 'warts' be known.
有时也会是一直没发现的优点 It often involves showing strengths you've been hiding,too.
大部分方法 Most approaches
都专注于让你的伴侣 在你坦露时 focus on getting your partner's validation and acceptance
认同和接受你 when you disclose.
但你不能寄希望于此 如果你心存这样的意图 But you can't count on this,and if you try,
那么你坦露心声时必然有所掣肘 it inherently limits self-disclosure
因你只会说那些让你的伴侣认可的话 because you won't say things your partner won't validate.
打破僵局需要亲密关系 Resolving gridlock requires intimacy
这基于认可你自己" based on validating yourself."
大多数婚姻咨询师 性治疗师认为 Many,if not most,couples counselors,sex therapists believe
一段恋情中最重要的 that the most important thing in a relationship,
一段健康长久的恋情中最重要的是 in a healthy long relationship is that
伴侣间彼此认可 the partners validate one another.
这很重要 And that is important.
我当然想被对方认可 Of course I want to be validated by my partner.
我当然认可我的伴侣 Of course I validate my partner.
然而这不是健康恋情的基础 However,that's not the foundation of a healthy relationship.
而这是很多治疗师 And this is where most therapists,
很多夫妻以及我曾犯过的错误 most couples are and this is where I was wrong-
没有认识到被了解才是基础 not understanding the foundation is to be known,
无论是在一段恋情中 whether it's in a romantic relationship
还是与朋友的友情中 or a relationship with friends.
当你坦露心声时 You see when you disclose,when you disclose,
你是冒着风险的 you are taking a risk.
而且很多时候 And very often,
这会引发冲突 破坏感情 it leads to a conflict,a disagreement,disease in a relationship
然而通常 几率不是特别高 However usually,not always,
但通常 这只是短暂的破坏 but usually-that is a temporary disease.
另一方面 On the other hand,
若你长期坦诚 敞开胸怀 if you disclose over time and you open up and you share,
这会引领你走向长久的感情 that's when you lead to long lasting,
对恋情是有积极效果的 positive consequences to the relationship.
一方面来看 你坦诚时 So on the one hand,when you disclose,
肯定会觉得不舒服 it's uncomfortable by definition.
舒服的话也就不难了 If it's comfortable,then it wouldn't be hard,
也就不算真正的坦诚 wouldn't be real disclose.
短期来看这是很难的 It's difficult in the short term,
但从长远看 它能助长感情 but in a long term,it leads to growth.
关键在于你想要什么? So the question is what do you want?
要短暂的舒服感觉? Do you want a temporary feeling-good?-
你被认可了 你很棒 Oh you are validated; you are wonderful.
我来让你看看我有多优秀 Let me impress and show you how terrific I am.
因为被认可的感觉很好 Because it feels good to be validated.
还是你想要一段长久而美好的 Or are you looking for long-term thriving
友情或是恋情? interpersonal friendships or romantic relationships?
这是个问题 That is the question.
接下来的话我几个月前就讲过 Now I said earlier and I spoke about it a couple of months ago
现在我想再重申一次 and I want to repeat it:
我是怎样改变与学生的关系的 how it changed my relationship with my students,
怎样转变我的教学方式 how it changed,transformed my teaching.
因为最初教学时 我的主要目标是 Because when I started to teach,my main goal-
不管讲得是否清楚明白 当时确实很清楚 whether it was explicit and at the time,it was explicit,
但潜意识里最主要是想被认可 but mostly,on the subconscious level was to be validated.
我真的很想让我的学生喜欢我 I really wanted my students to like me.
那是我的主要目标 That was my primary goal,my primary objective.
慢慢的 看了很多人的著作 Over time,as David Schnarch specifically
尤其是David Schnarch的书 as well as looking other people's work
还有Parker Palmer的"教学的勇气" such as Parker Palmer's "The courage to Teach",
我的目标变为了被了解 my objective changed to be known.
这是我现在的咒语了 This is my mantra now.
每天上讲台前 Everyday before I stand here and talk to you,
我天天想着并念着我的咒语 every single day I think about and read my mantra.
其实这就写在我的笔记本第一页 In fact on the first page of my notes-
这些是我的笔记 我的小抄 these are my notes,my cheat sheet.
第一行字就是"被了解" 每天都是 On the top- "be known".Every day.
被了解而非被认可 To be known rather than to be validated-
这改变了我与学生的关系 that transforms my relationship with my students
以及教学方式 原因有下 and my teaching for various reasons.
首先,老是想着 First of all,it's so stressful enervating to think constantly
"我得让给他们觉得我很厉害 无论是对于我的伴侣 "I have to impress whether it's with my romantic partner
还是一千个学生" 压力太大了 or you know,650 or 1000 students".
这样很难 带给我太多压力了 It's difficult.There's a lot of pressure there.
而若是站在这里说 It is much easier to stand up here and say "OK.
"我想让我的学生更了解我"就简单多了 What I want the students to do is to get to know me better."
这也意味着要了解 And that means to get to know the field that
那个我非常喜欢和关心的领域 I'm so passionate and so caring about.
我想要他们的了解 这让我觉得轻松 I want them to know me better.So I feel so much lighter about it.
当我想被Tammy了解 而不是让她有个好印象 I feel so much lighter about it in my interaction with Tammy,
让她认可我时 我觉得和她在一起 when it's about being known rather than impressing,
轻松多了 rather than being validated.
这是第一个要点 That's the first important thing.
长期想取悦别人的缺点是 The second thing about trying to impress constantly is
若我们带着面具 且不断不断地试着 if we put on a fa?ade and act and then I tried- tried-
让自己被认可 看起来很完美 if I want to be validated constantly,to seem perfect
以便让学生喜欢我认可我 so that the students really like me and approve of me.
但这样做的同时也伤害到了学生 But then what I'm doing is that I'm hurting the students as well.
因为若我擅于演戏伪装 Because if I'm good at it,if I'm good at putting on a fa?ade
扮演一个完美老师的角色 and depicting this perfect teacher,
我就变成一个很差劲的榜样 I'm being a terrible role model,
久而久之会伤害到学生 which in the long term will only hurt the students.
因为那个完美的我并不存在 Because that thing doesn't exist.
如果有人想向这个完美的形象看齐 And if anyone is inspired to this perfection,
无论是感情中还是在个人问题上 whether in a relationship,whether on the individual level,
都不可避免地通往完美主义 it is inevitably a prescription for perfectionism
也是通往失败与不幸 hence for failure,hence for unhappiness.
除非我是想被了解 Or if I'm here to be known,
也就是说我的缺点 我的失败之处 which means my weaknesses,my failures-
不管是在剑桥还是在哈佛的失败 whether it's my failure in Cambridge,my failure here,
或是我的焦虑 你们会见到真实的我 whether it's the anxiety,then you'll see a real person-
或是犯错误 你们见到的是真实的我 whether it's the mistakes,you'll see a real person.
这样的我是一个更好的老师 And that's a much better teacher,
相较于那个完美形象 更平易近人 much more accessible I hope than the fa?ade,
好过那个被认可的我 perfect to thereabout to be validated.
除此以外 这样的我也更快乐 And again,beyond the fact,it is so much fun for me being here.
因为我在这里与你们分享 Because what I'm doing now is sharing with you.
我在分享自己的一部分内心世界 I'm sharing my part of self with you.
我与大家分享的 And I'm sharing the field that
是我非常喜欢和关心的 I'm so passionate about and care about so much.
被了解而非被认可 To be known,to be known rather than to be validated.
说起容易做来难 Easier said than done.
但是利大于弊 尤其是长远来看 But the benefits,especially the long term benefits are immense.
好处远远大于弊处 Absolutely immense.
第三点是要允许恋情中出现冲突 The third point is about allowing for conflict in a relationship.
关于健康恋情的一个误解是 You see one of the misunderstandings about healthy relationships
健康恋情没有冲突 没有争吵 is that those relationships don't have conflict- they don't fight
五星级的恋情不会发生冲突 The gold standard is a conflict free relationship.
这是一个很严重的误解 And that's a serious misunderstanding.
John Gottman曾对此做过很多研究 John Gottman has done a lot of work in this area.
他得出的结论之一是 One of the things that he showed was that
不存在所谓唯一的标准恋情 there is not one right relationship.
这也意味着每段恋情看起来都不同 And that also means different relationships look differently
无论外人看来 还是自己看 from outside or from the inside.
有一些恋情美好而安宁 Some relationships thrive and they are very quiet.
有一些恋情则美好却激烈 Some relationships thrive and are extremely volatile.
两种都可持续下去 Both can succeed.
恋情没有统一的正确形式 There is no one right form of relationship.
恋情可以有无数种模式及不同之处 There are numerous permutations and variations on this.
但健康恋情都有一个共同之处 But there is one right relationship,
Gottman发现的一个共同之处 one thing that Gottman has found
那就是在所有的恋情中 is that in all those relationships-
无论是激烈的还是非常平和安宁的 whether they are volatile or very peaceful and quiet,
或是两者兼之的恋情 都有争执 or somewhere in between,they all have conflicts.
而且平均来看 只是平均来看 And on average- again this is average,
因为有些人可能是10:1 because you know it can be 10 to 1.
有些人可能是3:1 It can also be 3 to 1.
但是平均来看 But on average,
每5次积极互动就会有一次争执 they have 1 conflict for each 5 positive interactions.
这并不是让你回家去和伴侣说 Now it doesn't mean now going home and telling your partner,
"我们已经有了7次积极互动了 "you know we've already had 7 good interactions.
现在该吵架了" Let's fight."
绝不是这样 但这是他研究发现的 Certainly not that.But that is what he's seen,
当他研究了成百上千的和睦夫妻后 when he studied hundreds,thousands of thriving couples.
差不多这是 That was more or less
积极互动与争执冲突的平均比率 the average of conflict per positive interaction.
这个数据启发到我 This statistics by the way helped me a lot.
因为过去只要Tammy和我发生争吵 Because whenever Tammy and I used to fight,-
我们也会争吵 我就会说"这是怎么了?" and yes we do fight at times,I used to say,"oh,what's wrong?"
而不是说"这很正常 不用担心 Versus "now it's OK.It's natural.
看看该怎么解决这冲突 Let's see how we can resolve it,
从中学到些什么 怎样改进" what we can learn from it,how we can grow from it."
这并不是说我喜欢冲突 It doesn't mean I enjoy it,that we seek conflict.
冲突不好 有时很伤感情 It's awful.And sometimes it hurts very deeply.
但同时要理解到这是正常的 But at the same time to understand it's natural.
就像我们允许自己 And just like we give ourselves the permission
有个人的不足之处一样 to be human on an individual level,
我们要允许我们的关系 it's important that
存在不足 这是很重要的 we give our relationship the permission to be human and humane.
那些实现了5:1比率的人们 People who have that 5 to 1 ratio,
基本上都有一段美好恋情 again more or less usually have the thriving relationship.
而那些低于此比率 如100比1的 People who have a lot less than 1 to 5 ratio,meaning 100 to 1,
这样的感情并不能长久地美好下去 the relationship in the long term does not thrive,nor do people
那些冲突多于积极互动的伴侣也维持不下去 who have many more conflicts than positive interactions.
完全不吵不好 经常吵也不好 So neither extremes are good.
冲突的重要性在于它使我们免疫 The importance of conflict is that it immunizes us.
先来看自然或生理上的免疫 Let's look at the natural or physiological level of immunity.
若把一个出生的婴儿放入消过毒的 What would happen to a person,
储氧箱 而不把他抱出来 just born and put into a oxygen tank not- which is sterilized-
这个孩子会怎样呢? and not taken out of that sterilized oxygen tank?
比如说两三年甚至十年后 What would happen if say after 2 years,or 3 years,or 10 years,
孩子长大了 离开洁净的环境 that baby,now no longer a baby
回到真实的世界生活 他会怎样呢? is taken out of that perfect surrounding into the real world?
他很有可能会生病 That person is very likely to get ill.
且很可能是重病 Very likely to get seriously ill.
为什么?因为在无菌环境里生长 Why? Because it's not healthy to be in a sterilized environment
就生理上说是不健康的 on the physiological level.
因为每次你生病 Because every time you get ill,
或是每次你暴露于污染与细菌中 or every time you are exposed to pollutions or bacteria,
你的身体都会因为产生抗体而变强 your body actually strengthens.
这对恋情也是同样的道理 The same in a relationship.
如果你的恋情从不发生冲突 If you are not exposed to conflicting relationship,
久而久之 恋情无法得到巩固加强 over time,over time the relationship will not strengthen.
你会变得脆弱 当冲突无可避免时 You'll be weak;it'll be unable to sustain
恋情就会难以维持 the inevitable conflict that will arise.
所以说冲突使我们免疫 这很重要 So conflict immunizes us.It is important.
再谈一下冲突的种类与形式 And we'll talk about in what ways or what the conflict looks like
因为不是每种冲突都有益 Because not every conflict is healthy.
Gottman说过关键不在于 The key that Gottman talks about
消除负面的东西 is not to take away or eliminate the negative,
而是要强调巩固积极的东西 but rather to accentuate,to strengthen the positive.
所以对于那些不成功的恋情 So in relationships that
那些经常发生争吵的恋情 don't thrive where there's too much fighting,-
像这样的恋情 relationships that are here.
强调积极方面 Just accentuate the positive.
而若是处于这种无冲突恋情 If you are here and there are no conflicts,well that means
很可能你们在压抑 压抑感受 分歧 maybe we are suppressing things- emotions,disagreements.
换言之 我们没被了解 我们需要改进 In other words,we are not being known and we need to move on,
坦诚 敞开心扉 彼此分享 and reveal ourselves,open up and share.
这里有几种强调积极方面 Here are some ways of accentuating the positive.
大家记得那本"更幸福"的书 So you remember in the book of,on,in "Happier",
我讲过的关于幸福助力器 I talk about happiness boosters.
有一些细小的事情 These are mini activities-
可以是几分钟也可以是几小时的事 could be anywhere from a minute to 3 hours of doing things
能让我们快乐 也很有意义 are both meaningful and pleasurable to us.
就像我们借助幸福助力器 So just like we have happiness boosters
滴水穿石地提高我们一辈子的幸福感 that can have a trickle effect for the rest of our lives.
我们也可以借助爱情助力器 We can also have love boosters.
有一个关于爱因斯坦与Ludwig van der Rohe的故事 There is a story about Albert Einstein and Ludwig van der Rohe.
Ludwig van der Rohe是量子物理学的创始人之一 Ludwig van der Rohe was one of the founders of quantum physics.
Ludwig van der Rohe写信给爱因斯坦 And when Ludwig van der Rohe wrote Einstein a letter
说"我想你进入量子物理 saying to him "you know I want to introduce you
这个神奇而美妙的新领域 to this new fascinating field of quantum physics.
我需要您的支持" I want your support."
爱因斯坦当时颇有声望 Einstein was a big shot at the time.
他回了一封信 Einstein responded with a letter.
信里对Ludwig van der Rohe说 And in the letter said to Ludwig van der Rohe:
"我对量子物理不感兴趣 "I'm not interested in quantum physics.
因为我对细节上的东西不感兴趣 What I'm not interested are...I'm not interested in the details.
我感兴趣的是上帝在创造世界时 What I am interested in is what God thought about
他在想着什么 when He created the world.
我对细节没兴趣 I'm not interested in the details.
我只关心上帝创造世界时的 I am interested in is what God thought about
他在想着什么" when He created the world."-
Ludwig van der Rohe回信说 to which Ludwig van der Rohe wrote back,
"上帝就在细节中" saying,"God is in the details."
爱情也是这样 爱情就在细节中 The same with love.Love is in the details.
爱情不在一周或一个月的 Love is not in that one week or two months
环游世界中 around the world cruise;
爱情不在五克拉的钻戒里 love is not in that 5 carat diamond ring.
这些东西是很美妙 Yes these things are wonderful;
也确实激发了幸福感 they are certainly to a spike in well being,
有时甚至激发了爱情 sometimes to a spike in love,
但它们不能维持一段美好的感情 but they are not what sustains a happy relationship.
能够长期维持幸福恋情的是细节 What sustains a happy relationship are the details.
是那些微小的事情 The little things.
是每天的生活常规 触碰 凝视 共进晚餐 The day to day rituals,the touch,the gaze,the meal together.
迷你爱情助力器也能维持 Mini love boosters also sustain.
这是我从Peter Fraenkel学来的 I got this idea from Peter Fraenkel
他是纽约Ackerman家庭服务中心的 who is From the Ackerman Family Center in New York.
他讲的是一天里的 And what he talks about are 30 seconds pleasure points
30秒钟的幸福点 throughout the day,
无论是一个激吻 whether it's a passionate kiss,
或只是一个单纯的拥抱 whether it's just a hug where you just hold one another,
或是发给伴侣的一条短信 whether it's just sending a text message to your partner
告诉他们你有多爱他们多想他们这类小事 saying how much you love them and miss them- the little things.
他们发现 And what they found
正是这些小事产生重大影响 was these little things made the big difference.
当然 大事也能产生影响 Again,yes,the big things also make a difference.
我不是贬低大事 但那只能导致激变 I'm not belittling them.But that just leads to a spike.
而维持幸福需要长久的努力 To sustain happiness it takes time,and it takes work.
需要奉献 It takes commitment.
感情的维系主要是靠 A relationship is made extraordinary
注重这些日常琐碎的小事 by focusing on these details on day to day activities.
我们怎么做到呢?我们表现出我们的关心 And how we do that? We demonstrate interest,
我们问"你今天过得怎样?" by asking "so how is your day sweetheart",
或"讲讲你刚做了什么" or "tell me more about what you have just done",
或"你在想什么" or "what have you been thinking",
或"你不太高兴啊 我能做什么" or you know "you look a little bit down- anything I can do".
表现出关心 画爱情地图 Demonstrate interest.Create love maps.
去了解对方 他喜欢什么 Get to know the other person- what they like;
不喜欢什么 有多喜欢 what they don't like; and how they like it.
就是那些小事 比如触碰 Again,the little things such as touching,
微笑 送花 such as smiling,such as flowers,
记得重要的日子 such as remembering the important dates,men.
现在这些简单多了 Today is much easier.
我们有电脑提醒我们 You know we have the computer reminding us- have many reminders.
就我个人经验来讲 Talking from personal experience.
称赞 称赞对方 Pay compliments.Pay compliments to your partners.
不要以为一切都是理所应当的 You know don't take for granted.
记得我们讲过感激 两个意思 Remember the word appreciate- two meanings.
其中之一就是称赞某人 "你看来棒极了" To pay compliment to someone- oh you look wonderful;
这太好了 谢谢你做这些 oh this is so great- thank you so much for doing;
谢谢你想到我 thank you for thinking of me.
带有感激的赞赏是最好的感激 Paying compliments- appreciating makes the good appreciates.
当我们不懂得感激与赞赏时 When we don't appreciate,when we don't pay compliments,
美好会贬值 马克吐温说过 the good depreciates.
"一个好的赞赏能让我高兴两个月" Mark Twain: "I can live for two months on a good compliment."
不要只理解了他的字面意思 Don't take him literally though.
给你们讲个故事 Let me share with you a story.
这是我的岳父与岳母的故事 This is my father in law and his wife.
我的岳父毕业于哈佛法学院 My father in law is a graduate at Harvard law school-
很聪明很有才华 他叫Amie very bright,very smart and married to- his name is Amie.
娶了一位可爱的女人Rachel Rahel(希伯来语发音) Married to a lovely woman Rachel- Rahel(Hebrew pronunciation).
有一次他们约会 And they went on a date.
Rachel穿了件很美的裙子 Rahel- Rachel was wearing a beautiful dress.
他们去参加一个派对 整晚都在那里 And they walked into a party and they spent a whole night.
派对上人很多 那是一个美妙的夜晚 And there were so many people.It was a lovely evening.
派对结束后他们回到家 And at the end of the evening,they went back home.
Rachel问Amie And Rachel asked Amie,
"Amie 今晚整个晚上 you know she said,"Amie,you know the whole night,
我得到了无数赞美 说我很漂亮 after getting compliments about how wonderful I look,
说我裙子很美 很容光焕发 how ravishing the dress is,how radiant I look,
大家都赞美我 却惟独你没有" I got it from everyone except for from you."
要知道Amie是哈佛法学毕业生 Now remember Amie is a Harvard law graduate-
非常聪明 反应灵敏 very smart,very quick on his feet.
他是以色列的一流律师 他说道 One of the leading lawyers in Israel.So he said,
"Rahel 你还记得几个月前 "Rahel- Rachel,do you remember when a couple of months ago,
我告诉你 你有多美丽动人吗?" I told you how beautiful,how gorgeous you were?"
她说"我当然记得" And she said,"yes.Of course I remember."
他说"直到另行通知前 你都那么美丽动人" He said,"well until further notice,you are beautiful."
这句话几乎能过关了 Now.[Laugh] Now that almost worked.
问题是Rachel也是个律师 The problem was Rahel- Rachel is also a lawyer.
同样聪明同样成功 Very bright.Very successful.
她对她说 And she said to him,
"Amie 直到另行通知前 你都睡沙发" "Amie,sweetheart,until further notice,you are on the couch."
所以不要等别人开口 你才赞美他们 So don't wait.Don't wait to be asked to give compliments.
主动赞美 又不花钱 Give it.It's free.
然而虽不花钱 And yet though it's free,
但它的价值却是不可估量的 in the ultimate currency it is invaluable.Invaluable.
因为它令我们获益甚多 Because we get so much out of it-
赞美与被赞美的人都获益 the giver as well as the receiver.
最能预测一段治疗关系是否成功 You know the No.1 predictor of therapeutic relationships
最能预测一个治疗师 the No.1 predictor of the success of therapist,
心理学家 社工是否成功的 是移情 of psychologist or social worker or psychiatrist is empathy.
你有多理解多同情 How well you are able to understand,to empathize,
多认同你的客户 to identify with your client.
在恋情中也一样 It's no different in romantic relationships.
我真的在聆听我的伴侣吗?我真的在看我的伴侣吗? Do I really listen to my partner? Do I really look at my partner?
我真的对我伴侣做的事 Do I demonstrate genuine interest
表现出真诚的关心吗?他们好吗? in what my partner is doing,feeling? And how they are?
我真的想要了解他们吗? Do I really really want to get to know them?
因为如果不是这样 Because if we don't have that,
要维持长久美好的恋情是很难的 it is very difficult to sustain a long term thriving relationship
最后 性在长久美好恋情中很重要 And finally,sex is important for long term thriving relationship
性不一定要在婚前发生 It does not have to come before marriage;
或者等到彼此承诺厮守一生才发生性关系 does not have to come before there is a life long commitment-
这厮守可以是结婚也可以不是 marriage or other.
可以是婚姻 在现实生活中也经常是婚姻 It can; it often does in our world.
是不是结婚都行 And either way is fine- either choice.
然而 对于长期恋情的成功延续 However,for the long term success of the relationship,
生理方面也很重要 it is also important to have the physical aspect.
极少的情况下 也存在 It's very rare- it exists-
也存在极少的恋情 but it's very rare to a romantic relationship
是没有生理方面的因素的 without the physical component.
生理因素是区分爱与深厚友情的 Cause that's one of the distinguishing characteristics
一个显著特征 between that and a deep friendship,for example.
爱情 准确地说 性的至高点使爱具体化 Love at its- or rather sex at its highest is love made concrete.
使爱具体化 Love made concrete.
这也是为什么我们会说做爱 That is why we talk about making love.
它是感情 是抽象的爱的具体化 It's the concretization of the emotion,of that abstract notion.
生理方面很重要的一点是 The important thing here is,
健康的交流 就像别的感情一样 as every other areas of the relationship,healthy communication.
因为我们经常坦露自己 分享自己 Because very often we reveal ourselves,we share of ourselves
在卧室远多过在其他地方 in the bedroom more than in any other place,
无论是肉体上 还是情感上 还是认知上 whether it's physically or emotionally or cognitively.
那是我们敞开心怀的地方 That's where we open up.
那是我们真正赤裸相对的地方 That's when we are literally metaphorically naked.
交流是很重要的 And communication is important
因为人与人的期望值是不同的 because very often there are differences in expectations.
这也没什么统一的规定 And there is no one right prescription here-
一周5次性生活 最好的恋情 OK,you know sex 5 times a week,the best relationships;
三次 不错 一次 合格 3,not bad; 1,OK.
不 有很多美妙的恋情 No,there are fantastic relationships where it's you know,
一天一次或一个月二次 对不起 或者一星期一次 once a day or twice a month- sorry,or once a week.
有一些美妙的恋情 There are wonderful relationship...[Laugh]
或是一天三次 Or there is every day 3 times.
不 对此没有统一的规定 No.There is no one right prescription.
不知道我刚才说的哪句好笑 I don't know what I said was funny,
不过我课后会看一下的 but I'll have to watch it after
因为我相信佛洛依德现在一定也在看着 because I'm sure Freud is watching now.
最重要的是交流 And the important thing is to communicate.
因为它是冲突的根源 Because it is a source of conflict.
是冲突的潜在根源 It is a potential source of conflict.
并不必一定如此 It doesn't have to be.
来看一段短视频 Let me show you a quick video
注意力从我这里转移开一下 just to get the attention off me for a minute.
这是伍迪艾伦的影片 From Woody Allen.
[电影：安妮霍尔(1977)-屏幕上字幕] [Movie: Annie Hall (1977)- subtitles on the screen]
我记得对上一次开心的时候 That day in Brooklyn was the last day
是在布鲁克林的那天 I remember having a good time.
我们再也不敞怀大笑了 We never have any laughs anymore.
我一直情绪低落 欲求不满了 I've been moody and dissatisfied.
你们多久做爱一次?性生活频繁吗? How often do you sleep together? Do you have sex often?
很少 一周三次吧 Hardly ever.Maybe three times a week.
经常做 一周三次吧 Constantly.I'd say three times a week.
前几天晚上 Alvy想做爱 Like the other night,Alvy wanted to have sex.
前几天晚上她不想和我睡 你知道吗? She would not sleep with me the other night,you know?
我不知道 I don't know.
如果是六个月前 为让他开心我会做 I mean Six months ago I would have done it just to please him.
我什么都试过了 I tried everything.
放轻音乐 浅红色的灯光 I put on soft music and my red light bulb.
但是自从我们来这里讨论后 But the thing is since our discussions here,
我觉得我有权顾及自己的感受 I feel I have a right to my own feelings.
我觉得你听到这个会高兴 I think you would have been happy,
因为我真的能坚持自我了 because I really asserted myself.
最讽刺的是 The incredible thing about it is,
我出钱让她看心理医生 她有改善了 I'm paying for her analysis and she's making progress,
我却更糟糕了 and I'm getting screwed.
我不知道 I don't know.
我觉得好内疚 因为Alvy出钱让我来看 I feel so guilty,because Alvy is paying for it.
所以不和他上床 让我内疚 So you know I do feel guilty if I don't go to bed with him.
但要是真的和他上床 But if I do go to bed with him,
感觉像是我不顾及自己的感受 it's like I'm going against my own feelings.
我没有进展 我赢不了 -I'm not making any progress. -I can't win.
有时我觉得我该找个女人住 Sometimes I think I should live with a woman.
"很少 一周三次" Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar: So hardly ever- 3 times a week.
"经常做 一周三次" 不同看法 Constantly- 3 times a week.Again,different perceptions.
沟通很重要 不是所有的冲突都是好的 Communication is important.Not any conflict is good.
冲突有积极的有消极的 There is positive as well as negative conflict.
对这个问题的有用研究 Helpful research in this area
其实主要来自组织行为 comes actually from organizational behavior.
确切的说 组织行为研究表明 Specifically,what research in organizational behavior shows
健康的组织内或组织外冲突 is that healthy inter-group or intra-group conflict
是认知冲突 而非情感冲突 is cognitive conflict rather than affective conflict.
认知冲突针对人的行为 Cognitive conflict is about focusing on the person's behavior,
或思想 观念 对这些提出质疑 or thoughts and ideas,and challenging those.
不健康的冲突 注重于人 情感 Unhealthy conflict is focusing on the person,on the emotions,
他们自身 on who they are.
而当我攻击某人自身 And when I attack someone for who they are-
那个人本身及情感时 这是不健康的 the person,the emotion,that is not healthy-
无论是组织 还是夫妻 not for a group,not for couples .
与此同时 At the same time,
当针对观念 想法 行为时 I can disagree with,can have conflict when it comes,
我可以不赞同 可以发生争执 when we focus on the ideas,the thought and the behavior.
举例来说 Let me show you an example.
这是一个针对人自身的例子 Here is an example of focusing on the person.
你不体谅别人 You are so inconsiderate.
这不是针对行为的 而是针对人的 This is not the behavior; this is the person.
而针对行为的是 Focusing on the behavior:
你用完马桶后把坐垫放下来好吗? do you mind putting down the toilet seat when you are done?
这两句话可能是由同一件事引发的 It may be as the result of the same thing-
就是你没把马桶坐垫放下来 you know,you didn't put the toilet seat down.
一个反应是 "你不体谅别人" One response- you are so inconsiderate.
这就是针对人和针对行为的例子 That's the person.versus the behavior.
另一个例子 "你这个懒鬼 Another example.You are such a slob.
答应了要扔垃圾的 You promised to throw away the garbage.
我不能信任你了" 这是针对个人了 I can't trust you.That is an attack on the person.
我觉得是这样的 Yeah I think so.
与之相对的是"你说过要扔垃圾却没有做到 Versus it upsets me to return to a dirty home
让我回家就看到乱糟糟 很恼火" after we agreed that you throw away the garbage.
一样的事 Same event.
不同的态度 Very different approach,
这两种评价带来的后果也不同 very different results to these criticisms.
除了质疑行为而非个人以外…抱歉 In addition to challenging behavior rather than person- sorry.
尽量避免恶意 侮辱及蔑视 It is important to avoid hostility,insult and contempt.
John Gottman在其研究中多次提及 John Gottman talks about this a lot in his research.
他说自己预言离婚有94%的准确度 And he says,one,he can predict divorce with 94 percent accuracy
就像我上次提到的那样 as I mentioned last time.
在社会科学中从没有过这么高的准确度 Unheard of in the social sciences.
他判断的根据是 And he can do it based on whether he sees-
是否在争吵和冲突中看到… in the disagreements,in the conflicts
他让夫妻描述他们的冲突 and he asks the partners to describe their conflict.
通常他们在他的观察下开始争执 And very often they start fighting as he observes them.
当出现恶意及蔑视 When there is hostility,when there is contempt,
通常是坏的预示 但不总是导致离婚 very often that is a bad sign- doesn't always lead to divorce.
绝对不是 但确实是坏的预示 Certainly not.But it is a bad sign.
这不仅是在感情能否长期维持的坏预示 It is a bad sign in terms of the long term likelihood of success,
这还是在享受 but it's also a bad sign
现有恋情方面的坏预示 in terms of the current enjoyment of the relationship.
所以有必要避免这种侮辱的发生 So it is important to keep these insults away,
避免针对人身 认可本人 to focus on the person,to validate the person,
尽量赞赏对方 仅对其行为 to appreciate the person,and then to disagree with the behavior
或是其想法观念不苟同 or with the ideas and the thinking.
还有很关键的一点是 私下才争吵 意思是说 The key is to keep these disputes private,meaning:
本来恋情中的争吵就很不好 it is difficult enough to fight in a relationship;
若是再引来尴尬羞愧 it is extraordinary difficult
就更糟糕了 when embarrassment is also associated with it.
所以夫妻在有外人时 吼叫对方 So couples who shout at one another when there are others.
或者有朋友在场时 轻视对方 Or when they show contempt,when other friends are there.
这是非常具有破坏力的 极其危险的 That is extremely destructive,extremely unhelpful.
所以让争吵私下化 So to keep these intimate moments
能潜在的让私密关系好起来 that can potentially lead to growth private.
最后 我们能从同性恋情中学到很多 Finally we can learn a lot from conflicts in gay couples.
像我上次提到的那样 As I mentioned last time,
John Gottman研究了很多同性恋情侣 John Gottman has studied gay couples a great deal.
他发现了一件很有趣的事情 And one of the interesting things that he found
他们争吵起来很独特 was that they fight differently.
有趣的地方在于 Now the interesting thing here-
若是两个女人争吵 那没什么新奇的 it would not have been interesting if that was just between women
有意思的是 这也发生在男同性恋间 The interesting thing is that he found it also between men.
因为女人通常比男人擅于争执 Because women generally are better at fights than men.
也确实有生理上的原因 And there is actually a physiological reason for it.
这是有生理上的原因 There is a physiological reason
举例来说 男人受到言论攻击时 because men when they are attacked for example,
或觉得别人在攻击 威胁 或不赞同他们时 or they feel attacked or threatened,or disapproved of,
他们其实会有更强烈的生理反应 actually have a much more powerful,physiological response to it,
这也是为什么男人通常吵着吵着就不吵了 which is why men are more likely for example to switch off.
这不仅是因为他们是男人 It's not just because they are men;
这是因为有生理上的差异 it 's because their real physiological differences there;
而女人 举例来说 where a woman,for example,
被批评时 虽不会喜欢 who is criticized,will feel it- no on enjoys it.
但相对于男人…这是普遍来说 But the men- again these are all average.
并不是指所有男女 It doesn't mean all men or all women.
普遍来说 男人对此更紧张 But on average,men will feel it in a much more intense way
他们会想要保护自己 and then will try to protect themselves.
而方法之一就是不跟你吵了 And one of the ways of protecting ourselves is by switching off,
逃避 而不是应对 avoiding rather than coping.
而女人对争吵更适应 Whereas women are much more comfortable
甚至是生理上的更适应 even on the physiological level-
我不是说心理所反映的生理感受 I'm not talking about the interpretation of that physiology.
而是说单纯的生理层面上 But on the physiological level,
女人更善于处理应对 they are much more comfortable handling and dealing
这种争执的弊端及不适 with this disease or discomfort of an argument.
所以首先要知道的是 So the first thing is to know it,
无论你是否是男人 你要明白你不该逃避 whether you are a man and you understand- I shouldn't switch.
我知道我不舒服 这是天生的 要接受 I know I'm uncomfortable.It's part of my nature.I accept it.
接着你便能处理 而非避免 And then you can cope rather than avoid.
而女人 要明白 Or with women,to have more empathy and understand that
她们的伴侣与自己的感触不同 their partner's experience is not the same as their experience.
但这里有意思的是 在同性恋情中 But here is the interesting thing- in gay couples,men or women,
男女同性恋 都能更好应对分歧 we see an enhanced,a better ability to disagree.
他们怎么做呢? 第一 For example,how do they do it? First thing,
更积极 更幽默 更多爱意与触碰 more positive,more humor,more affection,more touching,
无论是男的还是女的同性恋者 whether it's the men or women.
这对解决分歧很有帮助 And that helps to dissolve,
能够缓解紧张的气氛 to relax some of the tension that exists.
男女同性恋者都是 Again,both for men and for women couples.
人身攻击的情况较少 The negativity is less often taken personally.
所以即使有了严重分歧 So even if there is a serious disagreement- well,
我理解这是感情成长的一部分 I understand this is a part of growth.
记住这点很重要 This is important to keep in mind that
这一刻我们的确不喜欢 yes we may not be enjoying ourselves now.
这是严重的争执 It is a serious fight.
但我能学到什么?我们要学什么? But what can I learn from it? what are we going to learn?
我们怎样成长? How are we going to grow?
因为我明白 冲突是正常 不可避免的 Because I understand the conflict is a natural,inevitable,
这是我们恋情中的一部分 important part of our relationship.
同性恋情侣都能做到 Gay couples do it more;
异性恋情侣没理由做不到 no reason why heterosexual couples can't do it more.
只要这么想想就行了 Simply by reminding.
最后 要多关心对方 And finally,there's more attention to the other side,
冷静下来 理解对方的感受 to calm down,to understand,to be empathic,
无论男女 whether it's men or women.
要设身处地理解对方 让对方平静下来 To be empathic and understand and soothe.
通常 就在争执中 And very often,just in a middle of conflict,
说一些"我很抱歉" 或是一个拥抱 saying something like,you know "I'm sorry" or just a hug.
或"我很受伤也很爱你" Or you know "it hurts me and I love you so much".
这些方法都能让对方平静下来 Just ways of soothing,
减缓冲突带来的压力 alleviating some of the pressure in the conflict.
因为冲突不是好事 Because conflicts are not easy.
对同性恋情侣当然也不易 Certainly not easy for gay couples either.
只是他们能应对得好一些 It's just being able to manage a conflict when it occurs.
并不只是同性情侣才懂得处理冲突 Does not need to be peculiar to same sex relationships.
我们讲过 黄金法则 You know we talked about- we know the golden rule:
己所不欲 勿施于人 do not do unto others what you would not have done unto yourself.
我们讲过白金法则 We talked about the platinum rule:
人所不欲 勿施于自 do not do unto yourself what you would not do unto others,
这是我们讲完美主义 和允许自己有不足时讲过的 when we talked about perfectionism and the permission to be human
然后是钛规则 你不会对泛泛之交做的事 So here is the Titanium rule: do not do unto those close to you
也千万不要对你亲密的人做 what you would not have done unto others who are not so close to you.
有多大的可能你会对 You know how often in the street or when you just met someone,
陌生人或刚认识的人大吼? do you shout at them?
鄙视他们 侮辱他们? Or find other ways of showing contempt or insult?
挑衅别人? Being aggressive or passively aggressive?
你对陌生人做过几次这种事? How many times do you do that to strangers?
他们一定是对你做了极糟糕的事 I mean they really would have to do a terrible,
才让你表示出如此恶意轻视 awful thing for you to express contempt,
对他们大发雷霆 or hostility,or anger toward them?
然而平均下来 我们常常 And yet on average,we do it so much more often-
虽然不是人人都经常这样 again,not always,not everyone-
但是确有很多人这样对亲近的人 but so many people do it so often with people close to them,
无论是家人还是亲密的朋友 whether it's family members,whether it's a very close friend,
还是爱人 whether it's romantic partners.
没有理由这样做 No justification for that.
没错 是因为我们与他们更亲近 Yes,it is also because we are more intimate with them,
因为和他们一起更舒适 但是为什么呢? because we feel more comfortable with them,but why?
为什么对外人 Why treat others better
比对我们最爱的人反而要好? than we treat the people we love the most?
为什么对所爱之人 Why treat the people we love the most worse
比对不相干的人要差? than we would treat others?
这无理可循 可以有争执 There 's no justification.There can be conflict.
会有争执 且争执很重要 There will be conflicts.And it is important.
问题是你怎样将其保持在认知行为上 Question is how do you keep it on the cognitive behavior level
而非情感的 感情的 蔑视的层面? rather than the affective,emotional,contempt level?
这会导致极大的不同 And that can make all the differences.
我们讲了这么多内容 Essentially what we are talking about here
在一段恋情中 最重要的 when it comes to romantic relationships
是培养一份深厚的友情 is cultivating a deep meaningful friendship.
John Gottman说"我的方法的核心是一个简单的真理 John Gottman: "At the heart of my program is the simple truth
即幸福的婚姻基于深厚的友情之上 that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.
这句话意味尊重对方 By this I mean a mutual respect for
享受与对方的相处 and enjoyment of each other's company.
这些情侣能深入了解对方 These couples tend to know each other intimately—
他们熟知对方的喜恶 they are well versed in each other's likes,dislikes,
性格怪癖 理想与梦想 personality quirks,hopes,and dreams.
他们对彼此有着持久的尊敬 They have an abiding regard for each other
不仅在大的问题上表达喜爱之情 and express this fondness not just in the big ways,
也在日常琐碎间表达出来" but in little ways day in and day out."
爱情就在于细节 Love is in the details.
在于事无巨细的了解 It's about knowing the little things,the big things.
在于分享与被了解 It is about sharing and being known.
这就是健康的恋情 That's what a healthy relationship is.And
这就是你如何让恋情维持激情数年 that's how you can sustain passion in a relationship over years.
这就是你如何持续享受激情 And that's how you can continue to enjoy a passionate,
性关系 虽然在生理方面 sexual relationship,even though physiologically,
一开始会很自然地倾向于新鲜体验 maybe initially the natural inclination would be toward novelty,
"新鲜的才是激情的" toward the "exotic is erotic".
但不一定就要这样 It doesn't have to be that way.
当然可以是这样 这很自然 It can be that way as well and that's natural.
可以用双方的幻想来体验一下新鲜 And that can the fantasies that you share.
但是对于长久的恋情 But ultimately for the long term relationship,
充满激情的恋情 最根本的是要被了解而非被认可 passionate relationship,to be known rather than to be validated.
最后 关于健康恋情的第四点 Finally the fourth component of the healthy relationship-
我现在先提一点 I'll just touch it now
然后在下周再讲完 积极认知 and we'll finish it up next week- positive perception.
在一段恋情中 一段健康的恋情中 In a relationship,a healthy relationship
伴侣一定要做优点感知者 the partners have to be the benefit finders.
他们要赞赏对方 They have to appreciate one another.
要记住若不懂赞赏对方 美好会贬值 Because remember if we don't appreciate,the good depreciates.
如果我们不感激这段恋情中顺利的地方 If we don't appreciate what is working in a relationship,
过了蜜月期后 pass the honeymoon phase,
恋情会急转直下 the relationship will enter a downward spiral.
不幸的是 这种情形常发生 And unfortunately,that happens to most relationships.
因为我们开始把好的东西视为理所当然 Because we begin to take it for granted.
而当我们这么做时 恋情就会消逝 And if we take for granted a relationship,it withers and dies.
若我们将自己的潜力看做理所应当 If we take for granted our own potential,
那潜力会衰减乃至消亡 that potential withers and dies.
所以说优点感知 对一段恋情很重要 So benefit finding is important in a relationship.
欣赏伴侣的自律 To focus on the discipline of my partner
而不是把自律看成固执 rather than on the rigidity.
欣赏伴侣的幽默感 To focus on their sense of humor
而不是把幽默看成耍滑头 rather than look at it as frivolous.
把注意力放在优点上 放在顺利的地方上 Focusing on the good; focusing on what works.
这些优点就会加强 And that is then accentuated.
然而成功的幸福伴侣做得更好 However successful thriving couples take this step further.
他们不仅是优点感知者 They are not just benefit finders;
他们还有Sandra Murray所说的积极错觉 they have what Sandra Murray calls,positive illusions.
换言之 In other words,
他们认为伴侣要比别人眼中还要好 they think of their partner more than other people think of them.
Sandra Murray做的实验如下 So the experiment that Sandra Murray did was the following:
她让情侣们评价另一半的优点 she asked couples to evaluate one another's strengths
然后她再去叫那些 and then she asked other people
与他们相熟的人们 评价他们的优点 who are close to these two partners to evaluate their strengths.
她发现那些准确地评价对方的情侣 And what she found was that couples who evaluated accurately,
也就是与朋友家人的评价差不多的 meaning they evaluated their partner in the same way as others-
他们的感情还算说得过去 friends,family members evaluated them- they were OK.
他们在一起过得凑和 They were OK together.
那些对伴侣优点评价得比别人还差的 Couples who evaluated one another's strengths on a lower level,
也就是他们对彼此的评价不如 meaning they didn't evaluate them as good,
外人所认为的那么优秀 强大等 as strong,as powerful,as virtuous- whatever it was-
不管是来自朋友还是家人的评价 as other people did,whether it's family or friends,
这些恋情一般持续不了很久 these relationships did not last for long on average.
而那些对彼此的评价 Couples who evaluated each other at a higher level,
要高于其朋友 或家人 meaning as better than friends evaluated them,
给予的评价的情侣 as better than family evaluated them,
这些情侣的恋情最可能 these couples' relationships were most likely to thrive
持续且美好下去 and succeed over time.
这部分人 Sandra Murray将其称为 And Sandra Murray called it- because
因为他们对彼此的评价与外界不符 they were not connected to the evaluation of other people,
Sandra Murray将其称为"积极错觉" Sandra Murray called it "positive illusions".
或按Brad Little的说法是 Now- or another term used Brad Little used this term,
他们有着"虚幻的光辉" having an "illusory glow" about them,
认为彼此远比实际上要好 seeing them as better than supposedly they really are.
我部分同意Sandra Murray的观点 Now I agree partially with Sandra Murray.
我同意她说的 对伴侣有积极的评价 I agree with her that it is important to have these high,
是很重要的 more positive evaluations.
但我不同意她的是 The one thing that I disagree with Murray
对于错觉这一词汇的运用 is on the use of the word illusion.
因为我认为这不是错觉 Because I don't think that is an illusion.
事实上 这是真实的 In fact,it is very real.
因为这成为一个自我实现的预言 It is very real because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
在这里我引进一个新的术语 And here I'm introducing a new term
除了优点感知 还有优点创造 in addition to benefit finding,benefit creating.
看到不存在的优点 或是 Seeing things that were not there
别人没看到的优点并让其成为现实 or the other people had not seen and then making it real.
想想教育界里的一个例子 And think about in another domain.
Marva Collins脱离实际了吗? Was Marva Collins detached?
Marva Collins对她的学生有积极错觉了吗? Did Marva Collins have positive illusions about her students?
完全不是 Not at all.
我认为 是其他老师脱离切实了 I would argue the others,the other teachers were detached
因为他们没有看到学生身上的潜力 because they didn't see that potential in their students.
Marva Collins非常切合实际 Marva Collins was very much connected.
她关注于积极方面 并创造优点 And she focused on the positive and created the benefits.
Abraham Maslow说过"爱不仅能感知潜力 Abraham Maslow: "Not only does love perceive potentialities
而且还让其转换为现实" but it also actualizes them."
给你们讲个Tammy的小故事 Let me tell you a quick story about Tammy.
如我所说 Tammy是个完美的优点感知者 And as I mentioned to you,Tammy is a consummate merit finder.
事实上 她是个优点创造者 In fact,she is a merit creator.
这事发生在Tammy怀孕8个月的时候 So this was at time when Tammy was 8 months pregnant.
胎儿很大了 你们都见过David了 大宝宝 Huge baby.Those of you who know David,he's a very big baby.
虎父无犬子 Like father,like son.
所以在怀孕8个月时 So this is 8 month pregnant
Tammy和我有过一段交谈 and Tammy takes me for one of those talks that
你们谈过很久恋爱的人就会明白这谈话是怎样的了 those of you in long term relationships know about.
她说"Tal 他变得越来越沉了 And she says,"Tal,you know,this is getting really heavy.
这真的对我很难 我需要你更多帮助 This is really difficult for me and I just need your help more.
你需要在家帮我一点小忙" You just need to help me a little bit more in the house."
我说"好的" And I said to her,"fine."
我感到很窘迫 觉得自己很不体贴 I felt so sheepish and so inconsiderate.
我说"抱歉 我能做什么?" And I said,"I'm sorry.Fine.So what can I do?"
她说"你可以今天下午去帮我买东西 And she said,"you know shopping this afternoon would help.
我再也拿不动那些大包小包了" I just can't carry these bags any more."
于是我去了超市 把冰箱塞满了 So I went to the Star Market.Filled up the entire refrigerator.
不仅是买回家 Not only brought the things home,
还把它们放进冰箱 but actually put them in the refrigerator.
因为我觉得很内疚 Because I felt so guilty.
Tammy看到后说 And Tammy saw that and she said
"太感谢你做的这一切了" "you know thank you so much for doing it."
我对Tammy说 And I said to Tammy,
"不 我很抱歉要你开口我才做 "Tammy,no,I'm really sorry that you had to tell me you know.
我早该做了" I should have done it without..."
她说"不 我就是爱你这一点 And she said,"no no no no.This is what I love about you so much.
你如此体贴 肯仔细聆听我" You are so considerate and you listen to me when I talk."
于是我又把盘子洗了 So I did the dishes too.
创造优点 而非单纯感知优点 Again,benefit creating rather than only benefit finding
而不是专注于不顺利的地方 or focusing on what doesn't work.
周二就不来给你们上课了 I will not see you on Tuesday.
我有一整周来不了 过逾越节 I'm away for,almost the whole week of passover.
但你们周二还要来上课 But you'll gonna have a treat on Tuesday,
Shaun带来的关于幽默的精彩演讲 an amazing lecture by Shaun on humor.
下节课见 I will see you.