大家好 我叫Jenny Spria Student:Hi everyone.My name is Jenny Spria.
我在这向你们介绍 And I'm here to introduce you guys
一个我发起的团体 to an organization that I'm starting up.
这个团体叫做哈佛舞蹈实验 The organization is called the Harvard Dance Experiment.
我们的初衷是 And the idea is
想把哈佛所有不同的舞蹈团体都聚在一起 to bring together all the different dance groups at Harvard and
让他们为零起点初学者提供完备场所 have them offer self-contained workshops for complete beginners.
所以我们的想法是 And,so the idea is that
让那些不懂跳舞 people who really don't know how to dance
却对学习舞蹈有兴趣的人 but are interested at learning,
能够从别的同学那尝试各种 could try out a varieties of styles that
哈佛现有的舞蹈风格 are already here at Harvard from other students,
并且有一个非正式的空间让大家聚到一块 and just have a really informal space for people to get together
一起练习 享受乐趣 and exerciseand just have fun.
所以如果你觉得自己可能感兴趣的话 So if you think you might be interested,
我们想核算感兴趣的同学的人数 we are trying to gauge how many people might be interested
看看我们能否把这件事做成 and see if we can make this reality.
请加入Facebook群 Please join the Facebook group,
哈佛舞蹈实验或者发邮件到hdancexp@gmail.com Harvard Dance Experiment or send an email to hdancexp@gmail.com.
谢谢 Thank you.
掌声 [Applause]
嗨 早上好 Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar: Hi.Good morning.
下面我们开始今天的内容 So here is what we are going to do today.
今天 我们将讲完身心疗法 Today,we are going to finish up with the mind body.
我们将会讲到睡眠 We are going to talk about sleep.
讲到触摸 We are going to talk about touch.
然后我们将继续到一个 And then we are going to move on to a topic that
本人绝对很喜欢的主题 就是爱情 I'm absolutely in love with which is love.
我们会谈到人际关系 We are going to talk about relationships.
这个是我们上次课讲完的 Where we were finished of last time-
我们讲了身心的联系 we talked about mind body connection,
我们讲了运动的重要性 we talked about the importance of exercise,
我们讲了正念冥想的重要性 we talked about the importance of mindfulness meditation-
它是如何实实在在地转化 改变我们大脑的形态 how it quite literally transforms,changes the form of our brain,
使得前额皮质的左半边 making the left side of prefrontal cortex more active
相对于右半边要更为活跃 relative to the right side.
接着我们讲了呼吸的重要性和如何呼吸 And then we talked about the importance of breathing and
如果我们能在一天中有计划地进行深呼吸 how breathing if it's introduced strategically throughout the day
就能真正的改变我们的生活 can quite literally change our lives-
不管是等红灯时 whether it's standing in front of a red light,
还是早上醒来的第一件事 whether it's the first thing when we wake up in the morning,
还是我们进入教室时或是就现在 whether it's as we enter the class or right now.
深呼吸 深深的腹式呼吸 Deep breathing,deep belly breathing
让我们从或战或逃反应改变为 changes, shifts us from the fight or flight response
放松反应 to the relaxation response.
记住我们在本课程一开始 Remember one of the things that
就说过的一句话 那就是 we talked about at the very beginning of the course is that
我不会教给你们很多新的东西 I will not be teaching you many new things here.
这就是一个很明显的例子 And this is a clear example of that.
你们都知道怎么深深地 正确地呼吸 You all know how to breathe deeply,properly.
你们从出生那天 You knew it from the day you were born
或出生那刻起就知道了 or the moment you were born.
但多年以来 But over the years,
随着压力的不断升级并缺乏恢复 with increasing levels of stress and the lack of recovery,
多年来承受着逐渐增加的压力 over the years with the mounting pressure
逐渐加快的现代生活速度 and the speed of modern life,
我们给自己施加了限制 we've had limitations imposed on us.
我们一直承受着压力 We've been put under stress;
却没人教过我们如何恢复 we haven't been taught how to recover.
我们现在需要做的是逐渐去除这些限制 And what we need to do now is chip away those limitations;
回到我们生来就喜欢的深度呼吸 go back to our innate inclination of breathing deeply.
当我们这么做时 我们扭转了或战或逃反应 And when we do that,we reverse the fight or flight
并创造了一个 and create a growth spiral
由平常的幸福和深呼吸组成的生长螺旋 between common well being and deep breathing-
它会带来更多平常的幸福和更多的深呼吸 that leads to more common well being and more deep breathing.
下一个我想谈论的主题 The next topic that I want to talk about
大家不要在课堂上应用 回去再应用 这主题是睡眠 but I don't want you to apply to right now but later is sleep.
下面是一些关于睡眠的数据 Here are some statistics about sleep.
在爱迪生发明电灯泡之前 So before Edison invented the light bulb,
人们每24小时就平均睡10小时 people slept on average about 10 hours every,every 24 hours.
每天10小时 10 hours a day.
大多是在夜里睡觉 但有时也在白天睡觉 Most of it at night,but sometimes during the day as well.
现今平均每人在工作日期间 Today the average person gets about 6.9 hours sleep
有6.9小时的睡眠时间 during the week
周末则是7个半小时 and 7 and a half hours of sleep on the weekend.
这是全国的平均数据 That's the national average.
至于大学生 数据则有些不同 For college students,it's a little bit different.
有多少人…这样我们来举手表决 How many people- just so I get a show of hands-
你们除了我之外有多少人 how many of you
一晚上能睡足8小时的?好的 other than me get a full 8 hours of sleep a night? OK.
肯定不止这些人 没举手的可能睡着了 I'm sure there are many more.They are probably asleep now.
全国平均数据是:18岁到29岁的人中 So here is the national average: between 18 and 29 year olds,
大约有4分之一的人有8小时的睡眠时间 about a quarter get 8 hours of sleep.
75%的人没有足够的睡眠 75 percent don't get enough sleep.
有些人需要7小时的睡眠 Now for some people they need 7 hours;
有些人需要9小时 有些人16小时 不 some people need 9; some 16- no.
平均需要睡眠时间是8小时 The average is 8.
我们的睡眠时间都就在这个数上下波动 We all vary somewhere around there.
很少有人需要很少的睡眠 there are very few people that need very little sleep
也很少有人真的需要很多的睡眠 and there are very few people that actually need a lot of sleep.
那我们如何知道自己需要多长的睡眠呢? And how do we know how much sleep we need?
你什么时候自然醒? When do you wake up naturally?
我们什么时候睡觉 我们什么时候疲劳? When we go to sleep,when we are tired?
我们可以这样估计睡眠时间 大约是8小时左右 And that's how we can gauge it.It's around 8 hours.
现在有些人会说 "好吧 Now many people are saying,"OK.
对我来说 要睡8小时的话 我一天要有30小时才行 For me to get 8 hours sleep,I'll need 30-hour days.
没有足够的时间去…那是一天的三分之一啊 It's not enough to...It's a third of 24 hours.
太多了 我腾不出那么多时间" That's too much.I can't afford it."
你可以腾出那么多时间 如果你把它视作一种投资的话 Well you can afford it if you look at it as an investment,
如果你把它当做一件优先要做的事的话 if you make it a priority.
你知道 You know
就像是商人去谈生意说 it's like a business person going making a deal and saying,
"在这笔交易上我负担不起10万美元" "well I can't afford spending 100,000 dollars on this deal."
你要是白送出去自然负担不起 Well you can't afford giving it away.But
但是你会收到每年20%投资的回报 what if you will get return on investment of 20 percent a year.
这就不一样了 Then it changes.
也许我可以负担得起10万 And yeah,maybe I can afford 100,000 if there is ROI-
如果投资是有回报率的话 return on investment on it.
睡觉也是同样的道理 The same with sleep.
这些8小时的投资有很大的回报 And there's a lot of return on investment on these 8 hours-
许多研究都表明了睡眠的重要性 a lot of research showing how important sleep is
和我们把它优先考虑的原因 and why we need to make it a priority.
所以让我简要地列出来几点 So let me just list a few very briefly.
首先 显著增强身体的免疫系统 First of all,physical immune system strengthens significantly.
我是说 我们都知道当我们睡得很少 I mean we all know when we are,when we go on little sleep,
我们会 we end up get-
或者我们在考试周结束后更容易不舒服 or we are more likely to be unwell after an exam period.
这当然也和压力有关 It's of course related to stress as well.
但睡眠本身 But sleep in and of itself-
充足的睡眠增强了我们的免疫系统 enough sleep strengthens our immune system.
精力水平 Energy levels.
有很多理论认为 There are a lot of theories going around that well,
睡5个小时比7个小时好 it's better to sleep five hours than seven hours
由于某些循环 because of certain cycles.
是的 这些循环存在 And yeah,these cycles exist.
但普遍来说 在一定程度上睡多一些更好 But in general,more sleep to a point is better.
如果我们一天睡眠时间超过10个或者11个小时 If we are sleeping more than 10 or more than 11 hours a day,-
有时可能是因为生活上碰到困难 sometimes it's associated with going difficult times;
有时可能是因为抑郁 sometimes it's associated with depression.
抑郁会导致失眠或者另一个极端 Depression can lead to insomnia or can lead to the opposite-
睡得太多 sleeping too much.
但正如我所说 如果你一天睡10个小时 But as I said,you know if you are sleeping 10 hours a day,
这可能意味着你需要一天睡10个小时 it may mean that you need 10 hours a day.
而不是说你抑郁了 Doesn't mean that you are depressed.
而不是说你有什么毛病 Doesn't mean that there's something wrong.
不过看一看 But check it out.
看看你整个生命中 See throughout your life,
你平均需要多少睡眠时间? how many hours of sleep did you need on average?
在某些程度上说越多的睡眠通常越好 More sleep is generally better up to a certain point.
我们讲过身体动运 当我们不运动时 We talked about physical exercise and that when we don't exercise
我们的体重就会超出基准水平 what we are doing is our weight goes up beyond its base level,
超出天生的或者基因决定的 我们的自然状态 beyond its God given or genes given,our natural state,
这就是为什么越来越多不配合锻炼的 which is why more diets fail
节食减肥会失败 when they are not associated with exercise.
对于睡眠也是同样的道理 The same applies to sleep.
如果我们的睡眠不充足 我们会超出我们的基准体重 If we don't sleep enough,we go beyond our base level of weight-
实际上是相关的 不只是相关 而是因果关系 actually correlational,not just correlational- causation.
缺乏睡眠导致体重增加 Lack of sleep to putting on weight.
如果我们尝试节食 我们又在和自己的天性作斗争 And if we try diet,we are fighting our nature again.
仅仅是充足的睡眠时间 Simply sleep enough- that's
就能有效地改善我们的体重控制 one of the contributing factors to effective weight management.
驾驶技术 Motor skills.
每年有平均10万起车祸 100,000 road accidents on average each year
是由缺乏睡眠引起的 as a result of lack of sleep;
在美国一年有4万人受伤 1500人死亡 40,000 injuries;1500 people killed a year in this country
因为缺乏睡眠 as a result of lack of sleep.
受害人中有的人是没睡好的司机 Either themselves being the drivers who didn't sleep
有的是被没睡好的司机害的 or being the other receiving end of the accident.
在工作场所 日复一日 In the workplace,day in and day out,
由于缺乏睡眠引起的事故 accidents are caused because of lack of sleep
估计造成了1000亿美元的经济损失 costing the economy an estimated 100 billion dollars a year.
认知功能 无论是创造力 Cognitive functioning- whether it's creativity,
生产力还是记忆力 都会在我们不睡时受损 productivity as well as memory that is hurt when we don't sleep,
这就是为什么睡眠是如此重要的一项投资 which is why sleep is such an important investment.
你知道我们经常说 You know very often we say,
"让我再熬两个小时学习" "let me stay up two more hours so I can study."
然而实际上你会完成更多的学习 Whereas in fact you'll get much more studying done,
你会把学习材料记得更好 更有创造性 you'll remember the material better,be more creative,
如果你得到这额外两小时的睡眠的话 if you get these extra 2 hours of sleep.
投资的良好回报 Good return on the investment.
经常我们能在婴儿身上学到很多关于自己的东西 Very often we can learn a lot about ourselves through babies.
为什么?因为婴儿不压抑情绪 Why? Because babies don't suppress emotions.
当婴儿没有得到充足的睡眠会怎样? what happens to a baby when he or she doesn't get enough sleep?
他们会变得暴躁 会哭 会很痛苦 会很焦虑 They are cranky; they cry; they are miserable; they are anxious.
我是说我们知道 I mean we know that.
我们学会了不要看起来像我们看到的那个婴儿一样 Now we learn not to look like that baby that we saw
这一刻哭 下一刻笑 when we talked about permission to be human,
在我们讲为人之许可时讲过 to cry one moment and to laugh the next.
所以我们压制这些情绪 但我们依旧有这些情绪 So we suppress these emotions but we still have them.
同样 如果我们没有得到充足的睡眠 No different when we don't get enough sleep
我们的导火索就变短了 that's when our fuse is shorter;
那时候我们就更容易大发脾气 that's when we,you know,blow up more often.
我们就会感到焦虑 That's when we feel anxious
生理水平上变得不健康 and getting unhealthy on the physical level;
当然心理上也不健康 of course it's unhealthy psychologically.
睡眠对抑郁的影响更大 原因有二 Affects depression in a even more significant way for two reasons
第一个原因是 The first reason is that
缺乏睡眠容易导致抑郁是因为 lack of sleep is likely to lead to depression is because,
在生理水平来说 正如你看到的婴儿 for the physical level again,just like you see a baby-
他累了的时候就变得暴躁 我们在累了的时候也暴躁 it's cranky when it's tired- we are cranky when we are tired.
这只是纯生理层面上对睡眠的需要 So that's just the pure physical level of needing sleep.
第二个原因是 The second reason is
有一点点微妙也有一点点有趣 a little bit more subtle and a little bit more interesting.
晚上 What happens at night is that
我们的大脑要处理很多 our mind processes a lot of the things that
我们白天经历的事情 we have gone through throughout the day.
它经常解决我们白天经历过的 And very often it solves unresolved issues that
未解决的问题 这就是为什么 we have gone through throughout the day,which is why,
你知道 你带着一个数学问题入睡 you know you go to sleep with a math problem,
经常你会在早上醒来时得到解答 often you wake up in the morning with a solution.
但不只是数学问题在晚上得到解决 But it's not just math problems that are solved at night.
还有其他人际问题 It is also other interpersonal,
内心里的问题要在整个晚上解决 intrapersonal issues that are solved throughout the night.
比如说梦 And if you look at dreams-
通常我们晚上做得比较早的梦 usually the dreams that we have early on during the night
都是比较不愉快的梦 are actually less pleasant,enjoyable dreams.
我们在夜里晚些时候做的梦更容易是愉快的梦 We are more likely to have pleasant dreams later on in the night.
为什么?因为晚上的第一部分 Why? Because the first part of the night,
是我们解决问题的时候 that's when we are working on problems,
我们在解决问题 有些是有意识的 we are dealing with issues- some were conscious;
有些问题则没有意识 some were not conscious during the day.
我们解决了一些问题之后 Later on after we have resolved a few of these problems,
我们的梦就变得更为愉快了 our dreams become more pleasant.
这并不意味着你在上午11点半就不会做噩梦 Again,this doesn't mean you can't have a nightmare at 11:30 am.
它的意思是 But it means that
你睡眠初期做噩梦的可能性更高 you are more likely to have bad dreams earlier on.
当我们不给自己机会去 And when we don't give ourselves the opportunity to
"完成梦想"- "complete our dreaming"-
不可能在一夜睡眠中完全解决问题 complete problem solving through that night,
不可能我们醒来的时候问题解决了 we wake up with that problem unresolved.
这个问题还在 And then it's there,
不管你意没意识到 whether it's on the conscious or subconscious level.
问题还没解决 我们要为此付出代价 It's unresolved.And we pay a price for it.
随着时间过去 我们有许多未解决的问题 And over time,we have a lot of unresolved issues,
特别是当它们被压抑或抑制的时候 especially when they are suppressed or repressed
那时候我则更有可能变得抑郁 when we are more likely to enter depression.
所以为了生理的睡眠需要睡觉 So sleep for the physical need of sleep
同样也为了心理的睡眠需要睡觉 as well as for the psychological need of sleep.
现在大家都谈论美容觉 Now everyone talks about beauty sleep.
为什么?因为那是被证明的 是显而易见的 Why? Because that's manifested.That's obvious.
如果一个人24 36小时没睡过 你能看得出 You can tell when a person hasn't slept for 24,36 hours.
眼睛周围是有黑眼圈的 黑眼圈可以掩藏起来 There are rings around eyes.So you can hide them.
但你仍然可以看出一个人是否衰弱 But still you can see someone is enervated.
睡觉不只是为了美容 But it's not just about a beauty sleep.
还是为了幸福 It's also about happiness sleep.
更是为了智力 It is also about intelligence sleep.
因为我们知道没有睡觉的人 Because we know that people who haven't slept,
比如说24小时没睡 24小时后 say for 24 hours,after 24 hours,
他们的智商降低10个百分点甚至更甚 their IQs reduce by 10 points or more.
所以毫无疑问睡觉能保持美丽 So there is beauty sleep for sure;
不仅如此 睡觉还能保持幸福和智力 but there is also happiness sleep as well as intelligence sleep.
在每个层面上睡觉都是个好投资 It's a good investment on every level.
下面是些非常简要的睡眠小贴士 Here are just very briefly some tips on sleep.
第一件事 一天差不多睡8小时 The first thing- more or less 8 hours a day.
找到适合你的睡眠时间 Find,you know,what is right for you.
你可以晚上睡7小时 午后1小时 But that could mean 7 hours at night and 1 hour in the afternoon.
或者晚上6小时 午后2小时 但总的来说 我们一天需要8小时 Or it could mean 6 and 2.But generally we need 8 hours a day.
如果你一天没有8小时睡眠的话 If you can't get these 8 hours a day,-
你生命里有些时候确实没法做到 there are periods in your life when you won't be able to.
比如考试周 Such as exam periods
那时候睡8小时觉可能有些困难 where it may be a little bit difficult to get the 8 hours.
或者其他压力时期 或者你有小孩的时候 Or another stressful period.Or when you have children.
那要怎么办?小睡 So what do you do? Naps.
小睡实际上被证明极其有效 Naps have actually been shown to be extremely effective.
白天打个瞌睡 Catnaps during the day.
比如睡个20分钟 You know sleep for 20 minutes.
虽没有晚上多睡两小时的效果好 It's not as good as sleeping extra two hours at night.
但也比白天不睡 But it's certainly a lot better
要强得多 than not getting any sleep during the day.
所以小睡也是非常好的投资 So naps are also very good investment.
你知道白天有效地小睡个15 20分钟 You know take a power nap for 15,20 minutes during the day
在一定程度上 虽不及夜晚充足的睡眠 that to an extent- not like a full night sleep-
但在一定程度上恢复了某些认知 but to an extent restores some of the cognitive
和情绪能力 as well as emotional capacities.
许多人入睡有困难 Many people who have problems falling asleep-
是因为他们吃得太晚了或者锻炼得太晚了 the reason is because they eat too late or they exercise too late
你知道 血液依然流得很快 and you know,the blood is still flowing fast;
心脏依然跳得很快 他们很精神 the heart is still beating; they are energized.
所以不要在睡前吃太多… So not to eat too much before you go to...
有些人是可以边吃着边睡着的 Some people you know can fall asleep as they are eating.
但对于某些人 But there are certain people
吃了太多 是很难入睡的 for whom it's a little bit more of an issue.
所以注意点自己的饮食 So just watch your diet a little bit.
注意下自己的锻炼安排 不要在太晚的时候锻炼 Watch your exercise regime- not to exercise too late.
还有患有失眠症的人 Also other people who have insomnia-
确实有很大数量的人有失眠症 large numbers do have insomnia:
这些人不要强自己所难 it's to give yourself the permission to be human.
我想这个教室里没有哪个人 I don't think there is one person in this room
没遇过偶尔入睡困难的情况 who hasn't at times had difficulty falling asleep.
在考SAT前 在考试前 在约会前 Before the SATs; before an exam; before a date.
这是很正常的 And it's natural.
你知道 在过去 You know in the past,
总的来说 我没有入睡难的问题 generally I don't have problems falling asleep.
我10点上床 然后就不省人事了 I get to 10 pm- then I'm zonked.
但有时 在困难时期 压力时期 But sometimes when I did have problems during difficult periods,
我遇到问题的时候 最初的时候我告诉自己 stressful periods,initially I would tell myself,
"好吧 现在睡觉 现在睡觉 睡觉" 对吧? "OK.Fall asleep now.Fall asleep now.Fall asleep." Right?
就像是"别焦虑 别焦虑"一样 It's like "Don't be anxious.Don't be anxious." And
然后你有了幻觉 它阻碍你入眠 then you have pink elephants preventing you from going to sleep.
不要强自己所难 Instead give yourself permission to be human.
现在我入眠有困难 我就对自己说 Now I have difficulty falling asleep I said to myself,
"嗯 这是个思考和反省的机会" "well,it's an opportunity to think and reflect."
常常我会想得烦了就睡着了 And very often that bores me and I fall asleep.
不要强自己所难 Permission to be human.
最后 你内在的节律是什么? And finally,what are your internal rhythms?
如今因为我们有了电灯 Now because we have the light bulb today,
因为我们住在室内而非暴露的小屋 because we are living indoors as opposed to living in huts
和与大自然相联系 that are exposed or caves that are in touch,
直接相联系的洞穴 directly in touch with nature.
我们把自己从大自然中隔离了出来 We have separated ourselves with,from nature.
我们也为此付出代价 And we pay a price for it.
不论是因为我们不需要狩猎和收割 Whether we pay a price for it because we don't exercise enough
因而锻炼不足而付出代价 since we don't have to hunt and gather.
还是因为我们不注意 And we pay a price also because we don't pay attention,
我们不再认识 we are no longer cognizant,
留意或关心自身的内在节律而付出代价 mindful or heartful of our internal rhythms.
你晚上需要多少时间? How many hours in night do you need?
你是夜猫子还是早起鸟? Are you a night person or a morning person?
你需要晚上10点睡觉吗? Do you need to go to sleep at 10 pm?
或者你需要早上5点睡觉吗?什么时间适合你? Or do you need to go to sleep at 5 am? What's right for you?
试着去创造一个和你天性需求一致的生活 Try and create a life that is in line with your natural needs.
这并非总是能做到 That's not always possible.
如果你去上班 在大学里这相对来说还是可能的 If you go in work- in college it's relatively possible.
你的时间非常有弹性 You are quite flexible.
因为你知道你可以…这堂课是11点半上的 Cause you know you can come...This class is at 11:30.
这堂课也被拍了录像 It's also videotaped.
所以如果你想睡到中午 那也没问题 So if you want to sleep till noon,that's fine too.
你可以下了课从头看 所以你可以自由安排时间 And then you'll watch it started.So you can play around with it.
在你将来工作的时候 或者在你上中学的时候 When you work in the future,or when you were in high school,
中学是7点半或者8点上课 你不得不到 the high school started at 7:30 or 8,you had to be there.
还是尽可能地知道 Still as much as possible trying to be aware,
认识到自己的内在节律 cognizant of your internal rhythms
比如你需要多少睡眠时间 in terms of the hours that you need
和你什么时候需要睡觉 and also when you need those hours.
关于睡眠有很多研究 There's been a lot of research on sleep.
很多研讨会和课程 I mean there are entire seminars and classes
只研究睡眠需求 just on the need for sleep.
让我来总结一下William Dement的研究工作 Let me summarize through the work of William Dement,
他是斯坦福大学的教授 who is a professor at Stanford
在他醒着的时候做了很多关于睡眠的研究 and does a lot of sleep research when he is awake:
"剥夺睡眠对健康 "Effects of sleep deprivation on health
和幸福的影响已被研究证明 and well-being have been documented by research.
睡眠剥夺会使认知能力和生理机能 Cognitive skills and physical performance
受到损害 are impaired by sleep deprivation,
对心情的影响则更甚 but mood is affected even more.
夜晚睡眠不足的人 People who get less than a full night's sleep are
易于感觉不快乐 更紧张 身体虚弱 prone to feel less happy,more stressed,more physically frail
和精神和身体上愈发疲劳 and more mentally and physically exhausted as a result.
充足的睡眠让我们感觉更好 更快乐 Sufficient sleep makes us feel better,happier,
更有精力和活力" more vigorous and vital."
再一次我认为 Again I don't think
教室里没有哪个人是不知道这些的 there is one person in the room who didn't already know this.
再说一次我们没有教任何新的东西 Again we are not teaching anything new.
我只是让提醒你们已经知道的东西 I'm just reminding you of the things that you already know.
让我继续下一个主题 和我最爱的主题有关 Let me move on to a topic that is related to my favorite topic-
那就是触摸 and that is touch.
美国人普遍 再一次 这是个普遍的平均数据 Americans are in general- again,this is a generalization average
普遍来说属于世界上触觉最迟钝的人 in general are among the least tactile people in the world.
我们花了很多时间沉浸于我们其他的感觉中 We spend a lot of time indulging our other senses-
去好餐厅 going to great restaurants,
把我们自己和男朋友用香水喷得香香的 perfuming ourselves and our boyfriends with the best smell.
但我们触摸的不够 But we don't touch enough.
正像睡眠 像锻炼 And it's physical need just like sleep is,just like exercise is,
像人际关系一样 它是身体的需要 just like relationships are.
它是人际交往中重要的一部分 Ant it's an important part of relationships.
在这一领域中最出色的研究工作是Tiffany Field做的 The best work in the area was done by Tiffany Field
她本来是按摩治疗师 看到了按摩的功效 who was a massage therapist and saw the effects of massage,
就去研究了这个课题 went out,studied this topic,
拿到她的博士学位 现在是迈阿密大学的教授 got her PHD and now is a professor at the University of Miami.
她的研究 And what she shows through her research
及其他人的研究显示了 and other people's research
在人与人的接触中触摸的重要性 is how important getting in touch with touch is.
例如 对于身体健康来说 不论是 For example,for physical health- whether
我们的免疫系统因为触摸而大大增强 it's our immune system strengthens significantly with touch,
还因为缺少足够的触摸而严重地降低 weakens drastically without sufficient touch.
触摸有助伤口愈合 It helps overcome injuries.
不需要专业的按摩师 And that's not just professional massagist,
不需要专业的理疗师 or professional physiotherapist.
简简单单的触摸就可以了 Just the act of touch.
儿童在受到触摸时成长得更好 Children grow more when they are touched.
我们一会会谈到一些研究 And we'll talk about research in a minute-
一些叹为观止的研究 some mind-boggling research.
它关系到身体健康 也关系到精神健康 It's physical health; it's also mental health.
再一次 Once again,
儿童的认知发展受到触摸的影响 children's cognitive development is affected by touch-
在心境障碍 mental health in terms of mood disorders,
饮食失调方面的精神健康常常与缺乏触摸 eating disorders are associated very often with lack of touch
或触摸不足有关 or not enough touch.
由缺乏触摸引起的抑郁和焦虑 Depression and anxiety are caused by lack of touch,
可以通过加强触摸得到克服 can be overcomed often with more touch.
希望你们现在确信了:触摸能改善性生活 Hopefully you are convinced now: better sex life with touch.
William Johnson 抱歉William Masters和Virginia Johnson So William Johnson- sorry,William Masters and Virginia Johnson,
两位最重要的性治疗师及研究者 two of the most important sex therapists and researchers.
他们的研究表明性功能障碍 What they have shown is that sexual dysfunction,
大部分性功能障碍 most sexual dysfunctions-
实际上 有70%到95%是可以 in fact,between 70 and 95 percent of them
简单地在触摸的帮助下得到解决的 can be solved simply with the help of touch.
所以他们所认为的实际上是 So what they are saying actually is that
前戏不应该只是达到目的的手段 foreplay should not be just used as a means toward an end;
他们认为前戏本身也可以是目的 they are saying that it can be an end in itself.
触摸起到的作用本质上来说 And what touch does is essentially
正是幸福心理学的内容 what positive psychology is all about.
性 不 那个… Sex.No.So...
我刚才是不是说得很大声?好吧 我想是的 好的 Did I say that out loud? Yes,I guess I did.All right.
所以幸福心理学的目标就是 So what positive psychology is about is-
记住 让我们从消极达到零点 remember,getting us from the negative to the zero,
再让我们从零点到达幸福 but then getting us from the zero to the positive.
所以他们在研究中表明了 So what they have shown in their research is that
触摸有助性功能障碍 touch helps sexual dysfunction-
好的 让我们运行起来 OK so let's function;
让我们到达这里 但他们也认为 let's get to here- but they are also saying is that
触摸能活跃性生活 touch contributes to a thriving sexual relationship.
所以它不只是解决问题 So it's not just helping with problems;
它还让我们从零点变成活跃 it's also making,taking us from the zero to the thriving.
Martin Seligman有本书 Martin Seligman has a book
是关于普遍心理干预的 about looking at generally psychological interventions-
哪些起到作用的 哪些没有 those that work,those that don't.
正如我们在课上讲的 And as we've talked about in class a lot,
大部分干预没有作用 most interventions do not work.
这点我们可以从剑桥萨默维尔研究中得出 We saw it with the Cambridge Somerville study
一个5年的干预实际上长期看来 where a 5 years interventions actually had a negative effect
起到了负面的作用 in a long term.
我们看到那么多自助 We see it with so many of the self-help books
提供权宜之计的书 offering quick fixes.
它们不起作用 They don't work.
他研究了 Williams Masters和Johnson的研究 He researched,Williams Masters and Johnson's studies
通过综合分析发现 and what he found doing a meta analysis is that
70%到95%的时间里他们的方法是有用的 between 70 and 95 percent of the time their prescription works.
再一次 这几乎在社交心理学中 Again this is almost unheard of in social psychology
或社会科学干预中前所未闻 但它起效了 or social sciences intervention that these things work.
触摸是一个需要 如我之前所说 正如… Now touch is a need.As I said earlier,just like...
触摸是一种需要 正如身体锻炼是一种需要 Touch is a need just like physical exercise is a need,
正如吃饭睡觉是需要一样 just like food and sleep are needs.
这有个关于医院早产婴儿病发的故事 So this is a story about a hospital ward for premature babies.
他们发现 And what they found there was that
早产婴儿病房有一个区域的 one of the sections in that hospital ward for premature babies
成功水平要远远高于 had a much higher level of success compared to the other sections
同病房其他区域 in the hospital ward.
换言之 In other words,
就是婴儿的身体好得更快 the babies were getting better much more promptly.
他们更健康了 在后续对他们的长期跟踪里 They were healthier; when they followed them in the long term,
他们实际上显示出了更好的认知能力 they actually showed better cognitive
和生理发育 as well as physical development.
他们对此感到很奇怪 他们就想 我是说 And they were wondering about it and they thought,I mean
"可能是因为空气 可能是因为在医院的位置" "it could be the air; could be the location in the hospital."
因为其他所有东西都是一样的 他们吃一样的食物 Because everything else is identical- they got the same food;
受到一样的治疗 they got the same treatment.
有一位医生就特别想弄清楚 And one of the doctors really wanted to find out what was it
这个早产婴儿病房的这个区域 about this specitic section in the hospital for premature babies
有什么对他们的健康那么有帮助 that actually contributed so much to their well being.
于是他观察了那个地方 So he was,you know,watching the place.
一天晚上 And one night,
他坐在一个看不见的地方 听到了一个声音 he was just sitting somewhere out of sight and he heard a sound.
他看了看 不想被人看到他 And he looked- didn't want to be seen.
一个护士进来了 一个他认识的护士 And a nurse came in- a nurse he knew.
他在这家医院很长时间了 He'd been in the hospital for a long time.
这个护士走进病房 抱起一个早产婴儿 And the nurse walked in,picked up a premature baby,
这是违反医院规定的 which was against the rules in the hospital.
因为他们不能被人触摸 他们必须呆在保育箱里 Because they cannot be touched; they had to be in the incubators.
她抱起婴儿 Picked up the baby,
轻轻抚摸他 轻轻地触摸他 and just stroked him,just touched him very gently,
跟他讲话 然后把他放下 talked to him and then put the baby down,
再走到下一个育儿箱 抱起婴儿 and then walked to the next incubator,picked up the baby,
非常温柔地轻抚他 把他放下 just very gently stroked him and put him back down,
她把病房那个区域所有的婴儿都抱了 and did that to all the babies in that section of the ward.
她在她值班时晚上这么晚做这些 Now she did it late at night during her shift
是因为这是违反规定的 because it was against the rules.
然后她走出去 And then she walked out.
这件事衍生了一堆 And that incident spun off a whole line of research
对婴儿的触摸的重要性的研究 about the importance of touch,with babies in general,
特别是对早产婴儿 specifically with premature babies.
于是Tiffany Fields做了这个研究 So Tiffany Fields did this study where
她让早产婴儿在医院里 premature babies were subject to 45 minutes a day of massage
一天做45分钟按摩 while they were in the hospital.
非常轻的按摩 他们很幼小 Very gentle massage- I mean they are tiny.
他们发现 And what they found was that
这些婴儿在医院里 these babies put on 47 percent more weight
增加了47%的体重 while they were in the hospital.
一年后 已经出院回家了 A year later when they are already at home,
他们身体上 they had better development physically
认知能力上和运动技能上有了更好的发展 as well as in terms of cognitive skills as well as motor skills.
只是因为被更多地触摸了 Just as a result of being touched more often.
我们需要触摸 这是先天本能的需求 We need touch.It is an innate instinctual need.
实际上 有关于触摸剥夺的研究 In fact,there's been research on touch deprivation.
但并不是在人类身上进行的研究 And it wasn't done on human beings;
是在猴子身上进行的研究 it was done on monkeys.
Harry Harlow Harry Harlow,
非常著名的心理学家 他研究的是一群猴子 a very famous psychologist worked with a group of monkeys,
他把这些猴子从它们的母亲身边带走 whom he took away from their mothers.
不给他们任何触摸 Didn't provide them any touch.
其他需求都满足 Every other need was provided.
他发现 And what he found was that
这些猴子身体上的成长不如其他猴子 these monkey didn't grow physically as much as the other monkeys;
他们的认知发育受到了损害 their cognitive development was impaired;
他们表现出自闭症的行为 例如 and they displayed autistic-like behavior- for example,
他们会坐下 抬起脚然后摇晃 they would sit down,put their legs up and then rock.
你们看过这场景吗? You've seen this?
你知道就像在 那个达斯汀·霍夫曼演的电影? You know like in the- what's the movie with Dustin Hoffman?
"雨人" The Rain Man!
在那部电影里 他就坐下然后这样摇晃 You know where he would just sit down and rock this way.
许多猴子表现出了完全一样的行为 So many of these monkeys displayed exactly this behavior-
这种摇晃 自闭症的行为 this rocking,autistic behavior.
残忍的研究 无论是在蚂蚁还是猴子身上 Cruel study whether it's done on ants or monkeys,
自然也会在人身上做 certainly on human beings.
不幸的是 这研究在人身上做过 Unfortunately it has been done on human beings.
这是人类实施过的最大的 悲剧的 This is one of the largest,natural,tragic
自然实验之一 experiments ever carried out.
这个实验是在齐奥塞斯库统治下的罗马尼亚完成的 This was specifically done in Romania under Ceau?escu-
那个残暴的独裁者统治着这个国家直到1989年 the cruel dictator that ruled over the country until 1989.
他做的一件事就是把许多孩子从父母身边带走 One thing that he did was take many kids away from their parents,
特别是那些父母与之政见不同的 especially if the parents were dissident,
那些父母不是"有文化"的共产党员的 the parents were not "cultural" communists.
所以他把15万个孩子带到收养所养育 So he took their kids and raised 150,000 kids in homes
远离他们的父母 away from their parents.
现在这些收容所 因为那是个非常贫穷的国家 Now these homes- because it was a very poor country,
没有钱提供看护 足够的看护 had no money for nurses,for enough nurses,
没有钱请足够的工作人员 had no money for enough supports staff in general.
这些孩子的身体需求得到满足 So while these kids got all their physical needs
有食物 水 还能洗澡 in terms of food water and they were cleaned,
但他们并没有得到爱 they did not get much affection,
不是因为那些看护不愿意给他们爱 not because the nurses did not want to give them affection.
而是她们没有那个时间 They just didn't have the time.
在1989年 战争爆发 齐奥塞斯库被驱逐 In 1989,the war fell.Ceau?escu was ousted.
这些孩子被从这些收容所里释放 And these kids were released from these homes.
心理学家去收容所里 And psychologist went in and
他们看到的是这个悲剧的自然实验的后果 what they saw was the result of this tragic,natural experiment.
在身体成长方面 In terms of physical growth,
这些孩子中只有3%到10%的人 these kids were between 3 and 10 percent
与他们同年龄段孩子的体型是相当的 in size relative to their age group.
认知力发展方面 水平远远低于100的平均智商 Cognitive growth- the level of,way below the 100 IQ average.
运动发育方面 Motor development-
同样也由于缺乏触摸而严重受损 also impaired significantly as a result of lack of touch.
许多孩子抱着腿坐着 And many of these kids were sitting down
不停地摇晃 with their legs to their chest and just rocking.
触摸剥夺的影响 The effect of touch deprivation.
现在触摸是很重要的 再一次 让我们到达这里 Now touch is important- once again to get us here.
我们在零点 我们很好 And we are here and we are fine-
问题是我们如何才能向前? the question is how do we get beyond this?
触摸也可以把我们带到那 Well touch can take us there as well:
不只是好 还要非常好 not just to being OK but also to thriving.
触摸的重要性 The importance of touch.
Virginia Satir 一位心理学家如是说 Virginia Satir who's a psychologist has this to say:
"我们一天需要4个拥抱才能存活 "We need 4 hugs a day for survival.
我们一天需要8个拥抱才能维持 We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance.
我们一天需要12个拥抱才能成长" We need 12 hugs a day for growth."
她是以诗歌的形式说出来的 Again she says the half,you know,in gest.
尚没有实质上的研究表明要多少个拥抱… there's not actual research showing how many hugs...
很好 你今天还差11个拥抱 Very good.You have 11 more left for today.
不过…很好 很好 But...Good.Good.
不过还有一个关于拥抱的研究 So there is though actual research on hugs.
这是Jane Clipman做的研究 So this is Jane Clipman who did research.
属于一个心理干预 很简单 And here is the intervention- very simple.
一天至少5个拥抱 It was every day give at least 5 hugs.
面对面的拥抱 不是和你的情侣… These are frontal hugs,you know not with your partner-
就是拥抱 拥抱不同的人 朋友 just hugs to different people,friends.
也可以是你的情侣 Can be your partner as well.
但这些明确地是和性无关的拥抱 But these are specifically nonsexual hugs.
然后她发现4周后 And she found after 4 week was that the people
这一组的人 与对照组不同 who were in this group as opposed to the control group-
对照组的人要写出他们每天读了多少小时的书 and the control group had to write how many hours a day they read
对照组的幸福水平明显没有提高 The control group's level of happiness obviously didn't go up.
每天拥抱5次的那组却显著提高 The group that hugged 5 times a day went up significantly.
她谈论起这个实验时说 Now this exercise,this experiment when she talks about,
对某些人来说 拥抱要困难得多 she says it was much more difficult for some people,
特别是男人 especially for men.
但即使这样 参与这组的男人 大部分还是拥抱了 But even the men who were part of it,most of them hugged.
他们可以在运动场上拥抱 So they would do it on the sports field.
他们可以找机会或者想方设法地一天拥抱5次 They would find opportunities or somehow got in 5 hugs a day.
而这些这么做了的人真的变得更快乐了 And those people who did that actually became happier.
我本来想把这作为本周课后作业 Now I was going to assign this as your response paper this week.
我现在不布置了 但我推荐你们去做 I am not going to do it,but I recommend it.
强烈推荐和建议 So it's a very strong recommendation and suggestion
从现在开始 from now on till,
在你以后的日子里 至少5个拥抱 12个更好 and the rest of your life- at least 5 hugs,preferably 12.
拥抱的好处就是它是双赢的 The nice thing about hugs is that it's a win-win.
因为当我们拥抱某人时 我们也被拥抱了 Because when we hug someone,we are hugged back;
当我们触摸某人时 我们也被触摸了 when we touch someone,we are touched back.
就像幸福 当我们分享它的时候 它就越来越多 It's like happiness.When we share it,it grows.
这是个双赢 正正得正的游戏 It's a win-win,positive sum game.
关于拥抱和触摸有个重要的事要记住 Important thing to keep in mind about hugs,
那就是要尊重对方 and touch in general is to respect the other person.
因为不是每个人被触摸时都会像我们一样感觉良好的 Because not everyone feels as comfortable being touched as we do.
或者我们被触摸可能感觉会不舒服 Or we may not feel comfortable being touched.
那没有关系 有许多原因 And that's fine for many reasons.
你知道有人可能比较有教养 You know one could be upbringing;
有人可能只是身体上不习惯 人和人是不同的 one could be just physically people are different-
有些人更喜欢被触摸 there are some people who enjoy touch much more than others.
那没关系 这是自然的 And that's fine; it's natural.
所以我们需要尊重别人的界线 So we need to respect other people's boundaries
也要让别人尊重我们的 as well as have others respect our own.
不过总的来说 触摸是很重要的 触摸很好 But in general,touch is important.Touch is good.
我们需要变成触觉更敏锐的人 And we need to become a more tactile individual
同样 一个触觉更敏锐的社会 as well as a more tactile society.
让我来给你们看个例子 Let me show you an example now of
就是一些人是如何比别人更喜欢拥抱的 how some people like hugs more than others.
好了 再一次 这是我们的药方 [VIDEO]
非常简单 Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar: OK.So once again,here is the prescription.
一周至少4次 一次至少30分钟的身体锻炼 Very simple.
正念冥想 4 times at least a week,30 minutes of physical exercise at least
如果你方便的话 每天10或15分钟 Mindfulness meditation.
如果不方便 至少 If it's good for you,every day 10,15 minutes.
全天也要有安排地做几个深呼吸 If not,at the very least,
晚上8小时的睡眠 一天至少5个 最好12个拥抱 a few deep breaths strategically place throughout the day.
这可能是你听说过的 8 hours of sleep at night and at least 5,ideally 12 hugs a day.
最有效力的心理学药方了 This is probably the most powerful psychological prescription
它能让我们自然健康状态 that you will ever get or hear about.
我们天生的或者基因决定的水平 幸福水平 And all it does is bring us back to our base level of well being,
让我们现在继续到 另一个主题 our God given or genes level,genes given level of happiness.
下面是我今天想对你们说的 Let's move on now to another topic.
音乐:Let's Talk About Love 席琳·迪翁 Here is what I want to talk to you about today.
让我们来谈谈爱 [SONG: Let's Talk About Love BY CELINE DION]
让我们来谈谈我们 Let's talk about love
让我们来谈谈生活 Let's talk about us
让我们来谈谈信任 Let's talk about life
让我们来谈谈爱 Let's talk about trust
好了 Let's talk about love
那么咱们来谈谈爱 被谈论得最多的话题 OK.[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
是让人有感触的话题 到处都在谈论 So let's talk about love- the most talked about topic,
从餐厅到卧室 到教室 现在就是了 the most felt topic talked about everywhere
然而它也是最受误解的话题 from the dining room to the bedroom,to the classroom evidently.
人际关系 亲近的 亲密的关系 And yet it's the most misunderstood topic out there.
无论是和爱人 还是和家人 Relationships- close,intimate relationships,
还是和亲密的灵魂伴侣 朋友 whether it's with lovers,whether it's with family members,
这些爱都是头号的幸福预言者 whether it's with close soul mates,friends,
我们今天的重点会是 is the No.1 predictor of happiness.
下节课也是 情侣关系 Our focus today will be on-
但是 我们仅仅重点讨论情侣关系 and the next lesson will be on- romantic relationships.
因为在很多方面 它是具有代表性的 However,we are focusing on romantic relationships simply
它包括了其他关系中的许多东西 because in many ways it's the tip of the stem;
我们所讲的观点 it includes many of the things that other relationships include.
也可以应用到亲密的友情 But the ideas that
家庭关系中去 we talk about apply as much to close friendships,
一开始我给你们看一个 family relationships as well.
电影"偷穿高跟鞋"中的片段 Let me begin by showing you a ?
当卡梅隆·迪亚兹向她在电影中 excerpt from the movie "In Her Shoes"-
结婚的姐姐 when Cameron Diaz reads something,
读了一首优美的诗 a beautiful poem to her sister
把声音开大 谢谢 in the movie who is getting married.
电影片段 Just the volume please.
此刻非常神圣的时刻 [VIDEO: CLIP OF MOVIE "IN HER SHOES"]
小姐? And now a very special moment.
这不在婚礼的程序中 Young lady?
因为这是个惊喜 Uh,this isn't in the program.
我经常给Rose惊喜 Cause it's a surprise.
通常 她讨厌那些惊喜 I surprise Rose a lot.
我想 我希望她喜欢这个 Uh,usually,she hates it.
这是E.E.Cummings的一首诗 I think,or I hope she likes this.
献给你 It's a poem by E.E.Cummings.
"我将你的心带在身上 For you.
用我的心将它妥善包藏 "I carry your heart with me.
天长日久也不会遗忘 I carry it in my heart.
无论我前往何方 都有你伴我身旁 I am never without it.
即便我单独成事 那也是出于爱人 你的力量 Anywhere I go,you go,my dear.
面对命运我从不恐慌 And whatever is done by only me is your doing,my dearling.
只因你就是我命运的方向 I fear no fate.
世间万物于我皆如浮云 只因你在我眼中就是天地四方 For you are my fate,my sweet.
这秘密无人知晓 在我心底埋藏 I want no world,for,beautiful,you are my world,my true.
它是根之根 芽之芽 天之天 Here's the deepest secret no one knows.
都是生命之树所生长 Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
这大树高于心灵的企望 也高于头脑的想象 and the sky of the sky of a tree called life,
是造化的奇迹 能够隔离参商 which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide.
我将你的心带在身上 It's the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.
用我的心将它妥善包藏" I carry your heart.
那是什么? I carry it in my heart."
根之根 芽之芽? Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar: What is that?
能够隔离参商? Root of the root,bud of the bud?
让我们试着来理解它 The thing that keeps the stars apart?
只是比我们已知的要多那么一点 Well let's try and understand it.
再一次 人际关系是一种天性的需求 Just a little bit more than we already do.
没有人是孤岛 没有人能脱离人际关系 Once again,relationships are a natural need.
而生存 而成长 No person is an island.No one can survive.
让我们再看一遍 No one can certainly thrive without relationships.
我们几个月前讲过的关于极度幸福的人的研究 Let's revisit the research that
还记得在晚餐时 we talked about couple of months ago of the extremely happy people.
Martin Seligman选择了这10%的最幸福组 Remember at dinner
最拔尖的 并研究了他们 and Martin Seligman chose the 10 percent happiest group,
他们的发现之一 如果你还记得的话 the tip of the stem and study them.
是他们和别人一样也经历了困难 And one of the things that they found if you remember was that
他们有时会经历焦虑 紧张 抑郁 沮丧 they experience hardships just like everyone else.
但是 他们和其他人的区别 They experience anxiety,stress,depression at times,frustration
那些不是最幸福的人 However,the difference between them and the rest-
是他们恢复得更快 those are not the tip of the stem-
换言之 他们有更强大的免疫系统 is that they recover more promptly.
为何他们有更强大的免疫系统的原因之一 They have a stronger immune system in other words.
他们对自己经历表现与他人不同的原因之一 One of the reasons why they have a stronger immune system,
是因为他们有… one of the reasons they interpret their experience differently
这是他们和其余人的不同之处 is because they have-
他们有很强的人际关系 and this is differentiator between them and the rest-
无论是和情侣 还是和灵魂伴侣 they have thriving personal,interpersonal relationships-
还是和家人 或者以上这些都有 whether it's with romantic partners,or with soul mates,
这是这组人与人不同的一个特点 or with family members,or all of the above.
他们有亲近 亲密的关系 But this is one distinguishing characteristic of this group-
这就大有不同了 that they have close,intimate relationships.
为什么?两个原因 And that makes all the difference.
首先 因为当你快乐时 Why? For two reasons.
你会和你亲近的 真正在意的人 First of all,because when you are happy,
分享快乐 那就增加了 you share your happiness with someone close to you
放大了你的快乐 同样也是他们的快乐 who truly cares about- that enhances,
这是个双赢 amplifies your happiness as well as their happiness.
当你经历艰难困苦时 That's the win-win.
拥有亲密的关系能帮助你克服困难 When you go through hardships and difficulties,
所以再一次 无论是从消极到零点 having close relationships helps us overcome it.
还是从零点到幸福 亲近的亲密关系 So again,whether it's from the negative to the zero,
显著地有助于变得幸福 or from the zero to the positive,close intimate relationships
但是人际关系中的关键是认识自己 contribute significantly to becoming happy.
就是知道自己的需要 The key though in relationships is to know yourself,
因为我们每个人需要的人际关系都不一样 meaning to know your needs.
没有统一的药方 Because we don't all have the same relationship need.
不可能说 一天5个拥抱然后你就更幸福了 There is no one prescription.
5个密友 你知道 一个或两个爱人还有… You know,there's no,OK,five hugs a day then you'll be happier;
没有这样的药方 5 close friends,you know,one or two lovers and...
是因人而异的 There is no such prescription.
我还想回顾一下千层面定律 It's different for different people.
还记得幸福书里的千层面定律 And I want to revisit the lasagna principle.
那就是我们都需要… Remember the lasagna principle from the happiness book.
比方说 我很爱我的家人 And that is that we all need-
家人对我来说是世界上最重要的 example I gave there is so I love my family-
但是 那并不意味着我愿意一天 the most important thing in the world to me.
花8个或者10个小时和家人在一起 However,that doesn't mean I want to spend,you know,
你知道我还需要独处的时间配额 8 or 10 hours a day with my family every day all day.
我需要练瑜伽 我需要锻炼 写作 教学 You know I also need my quota of solitude.
那并不意味着我的家人对我来说就不重要了 I need my Yoga.I need my exercise,my writing,my teaching.
或者说我喜欢写作 我确实喜欢 That does not mean that my family is any less important to me.
我一天能写3个小时 不能再长了 Or let's say I love to write,which I do.
为什么那是千层面定律… I can write for three hours a day,not longer.
如果你们还记得 千层面是我最爱的食物 And the reason why that's the lasagna principle-
我每次回家 我妈妈总给我做千层面 if you remember lasagna is my favorite food.
但那并不是说我需要每天整天都吃千层面 And whenever I go home,my mom makes lasagna.
你知道一周吃5顿对我来说就够了 But that does not mean I want lasagna every day all day.
或者一周吃一顿 You know five times a week is more than enough for me.
但是你需要找到自己的配额 人际关系也是一样 Or once a week.
人际关系也是一样 But you need to find your quota- the same with relationships.
问问自己 每天和别人相处多少小时 The same with relationships.
我就觉得愉快 觉得和人相处是一种享受 Ask yourself: how many hours a day is good for me,
决定这个合适时间的因素 pleasant for me,enjoyable for me to spend with other people.
就是看你是内向还是外向 One of the things that differentiates people
我们都有一个 in terms of the right amount is introversion and extraversion.
相对于最优水平而言的心理基准水平 We actually have physiological,
让我来画个图 base level of where we are compared to the optimum.
这是所谓的最优激励水平 Let me illustrate.
在认知学上说 So there is what's called optimum level of arousal,
激励的最优水平 cognitively speaking.
这是 比如说是我们的最优激励水平 Optimum level of arousal.
我们生来就在这附近 有些人高 有些人低 And this,let's say is our optimum level of arousal.
极少有人正好在这条线上 And we are all born somewhere around this,either above,below-
内向的人有更高的激励水平 very few people are right on the line.
更高的先天激励水平 Introverts have a higher level of arousal,
这是内向的人 higher innate level of arousal.
相对于最优水平而言 This is the introversion.
外向的人有较低的激励水平 Extraverts have a lower level of arousal,
现在我们都身体上 或者精神上 compared to the optimum level.
认识上并身体上 Now we all physically see,or emotionally,
寻求体验的最优激励水平 cognitively and physically
因为那是最方便的 look for experiencing the optimum level of arousal
那时候我们在最佳状态 because that's the most convenient.
那时候我们心情更愉快 That's when we are at our best.
内向的人的天生自然状态 That's when we enjoy ourselves more,
是高于最优激励水平的 which is why introverts whose innate natural state
所以他们实际上需要降低刺激水平 is above the optimum level of arousal,
所以他们喜欢自己单独呆着 actually need to reduce level of arousal.
与之相反 外向的人有着较低的激励水平 So they enjoy spending time by themselves.
这个水平没有他们达到最优水平时那私愉快 In contrast,extraverts have a lower arousal level.
于是他们出门去参加派对 那里有很多刺激 And it's not as pleasant as when they get it to the optimum level
有很多事情发生 So they go out to a party where there is a lot of arousal,
有很多为了达到自己最优水平的人 a lot of things happening,
这就是为什么普遍来说… a lot of people in order to get their optimum level of arousal,
酒精起什么作用? which is why generally...
酒精降低我们的激励水平 What does alcohol do?
这就是为什么内向的人常常需要 Alcohol reduces our level of arousal,
在他们跳舞前喝杯酒或喝瓶酒 which is why introverts very often need a glass of wine
因为当着 or a bottle before they dance.
其他人的面跳舞会刺激水平上升 Because to dance
所以酒精的作用是降低他们的刺激水平 while other people are watching increases level of arousal.
然后跳舞就容易接受了 So what the alcohol does is reduce their level of arousal.
与之相反 外向的人需要咖啡 And then dancing is comfortable and they are fine with it.
咖啡是保持清醒的刺激物 In contrast,many extraverts need coffee
因为咖啡让他们上升到自己的最优激励水平 which is a stimulant in order to stay awake.
再一次 我给了你们一个梗概 Because the coffee gets them up to their optimum level of arousal
再一次 自Issac后数十年里有很多 Again,I'm giving you a sketch of-
关于内向和外向的研究 again there's a lot of research
顺便说下 这不是意味着我们不能… ever since Issac for decades about introversion and extraversion.
用Brian Little的话说 我们的举止不能脱离本性 Now by the way this does not mean that we cannot act,-
就是说一个内向的人可以举止像外向的人 in the words of Brian Little,- we cannot act out of nature,
我站在这里 我是个内向的人 顺便说下这是心… meaning an introvert can act like an extravert.
我们生来就是这个状态 这是天生的 Here I am- I'm an introvert and- by the way this is physio...
我生来就是内向的 We are born with this state.It's innate.
但当我站在教室前 So I was born an introvert.
唱着优美的歌曲 我的行为像一个外向的人 And yet when I'm standing in front of the class,
但是当我们的举止脱离本性时 and sing beautiful songs,I'm acting like an extravert.
明白这样通常会让我们衰弱这点很重要 However the important thing while we can act out of nature
它会带走我们的精力 is to understand that very often this enervates us.
这对我们来说很难 因为我们在假装 所以如果我在这 It takes away energy.
当我上课时 我会变得更兴奋 It's difficult for us because we are acting so if I'm here,
离我的最优激励水平更远 when I teach,I go even higher-
这会消耗精力 even further from my optimum level of arousal.
这就是为什么内向的人在表现得像外向的人之后 And that takes away energy
无论是参加派对还是讲课 which is why introverts after acting like an extravert
都需要Brian Little所说的恢复龛 whether it's at a party or in a lecture,
恢复龛 一个恢复精力的地方 need what Brian Little calls a restorative niche.
在那个地方 A restorative niche- a place to restore.
人们可以和人一对一相处 And that would be a place
也可以给自己一点时间独处 恢复 where they would spend time one on one with someone,
记住 这个问题不是压力 or some hours of solitude,of recovery.
这个问题不是压力 Remember,the problem is not stress.
而是我们没有恢复 The problem is not stress.
内向的人需要恢复 The problem is when we don't have recovery.
有事是靠自己 有时需要一对一 And introverts need recovery.
比如说我的生活 恢复的形式的坐办公室 Some time on their own.Some time one on one.
让我一连4个小时面对学生更容易 So life for me,for example,form of recovery is office hours-
这是一种恢复的形式 easy for me to meet students you know for 4 hours straight.
如果我只是上课 只是站在听众前面 It's a form of recovery.
那最终会导致过度工作 会导致我毫无生气 If I was only teaching,and only standing in front of audience,
外向的人也是一样 that would ultimately lead to over work and to me being lethargic
如果你是个外向的人 Same with an extravert.
有时你需要做点内向的人的事情 If you are an extravert,
比如说你需要为了考试学习 sometimes you have to do introverts' stuff.
你是可以和很多人一起学习备考 So for example you need to study for an exam.
但可能效果并没有那么好 And yet it would be nice to study for an exam at the Cog,
所以你自己一个人或者和另一个人一起学习 but may be not that helpful.
而在那之后你需要的就是一个恢复龛 So you are studying by yourself or with one person.
因为对一个外向的人来说 And what do you need after that is a restorative niche,
远离其最优激励水平是消耗精力的 because it's enervating for an extravert
你需要一个恢复龛 to be far from their optimum level of arousal.
恢复龛在哪? You need a restorative niche.
我需要和朋友出去参加派对 Where is that restorative niche?
这对他们来说就是一个恢复龛 I need to go out for a party with friends.
所以再一次 认识你自己 And that for them is a restorative niche.
知道你自己人际关系的需求是什么 So again,know thyself.
不是说你的行为不能脱离本性 Know what your relationship needs are.
你可以 Doesn't mean you cannot act out of the nature.
但同时你必须要有一个正式的恢复 You can.
一个与你本性相对应的恢复龛 But at the same time it must be able to have a formal recovery,
不管你是内向的还是外向的 a restorative niche according to your first nature,
简而言之 你需要的人际关系数量 being an introvert or an extravert.
取决于你个人的 独特的需要 To summarize,the number of relationships that you need that
你想和别人在一起相处的时间 would be best for you- depends on your personal,unique needs.
因人而异 The number of hours you want to spend with other people
这里无分好坏 differs for everyone.
一些人喜欢每天和朋友相处10小时 There's no right or wrong here.
那些特别外向的人 Some people enjoy spending 10 hours a day with friends,
其他人则喜欢一对一 亲密的时间 you know more than extraverts;
每天就需要2到3小时 other people,one on one,intimate time,
这里没有什么好或不好 2-3 hours a day is what they need.
并不意味着你对别人的爱就冷淡了 There is no right or wrong here.
也不意味着 Doesn't mean you love people any less.
你不需要亲密的关系如果你是前一种或者后一种的人 Or neither does it mean that
两种人都需要亲密的关系 you don't need intimate relationships if you are one or the other
和灵魂伴侣 情侣 家人 都可以 Both need close intimate relationships-
都是一种需要 soul mates,romantic partners,family members- whatever it is.
David Myers说:"几乎没有什么能比 It's a need.
一段和好友之间亲密的 悉心培育的 公平的 David Myers:"There are few stronger predictors of happiness
亲近的 长达一生的相伴更能预言幸福了 than a close,nurturing,equitable,intimate,
关于异性关系所做的研究要比 lifelong companionship with one's best friend."
同性关系多 There's been a lot more research done
但是 过去几年 特别是经过 on opposite sex relationshipthan same sex relationship.
华盛顿大学John Gottman的研究工作 However,over the last few years,especially through
他可以说是这一领域的领先专家 the work of John Gottman from the University of Washington,
他在同性关系上做了更多的研究 probably the leading researcher in this area.
他们的发现… He's been doing much more work on single sex relationship.
非常相似的结果 但略有不同 And what their finding-
我们会讲讲这些有趣的… some very similar results with some differences.
因为它们是我们没见到过的不同 And we'll get to some of those interesting-
可能今天不讲 但下节课会讲 because they are informing differences.
所以当我谈到关系时 Probably not today,but next time.
我说的是关系 So when I talk about the relationship,
而那位David Myers说的是长达一生的相伴 I'm talking about the relationship
浪漫的关系 and that David Myers is talking about is companionship,
同性或者异性 romantic relationship that is life-long.
关于关系有趣的事情是 Same sex or opposite sex.
每个人都能从中获益 The interesting thing about relationships is that
但如我之前一次提到的那样 男人获益更多 everyone benefits from it.
为什么他们获益更多? But as I mentioned already once before,men benefit more.
因为首先 通常 Why do they benefit more?
男人有可以分享事情的人 Because for the first time often,
而女人 通常 更可能… men have someone they can share with,
和特定的女性朋友谈论特定的话题 whereas women have-more often,more likely-
分享快乐和悲伤的女性朋友 have their girl friends whom they talk to about certain issues.
但是 两种性别的人不管是异性恋还是同性恋 They share their happiness as well as their sorrow with.
都能从亲密的关系中获益 However,both sexes in opposite and same sex relationships
我来放一个前段的视频片段 benefit from intimate relationships.
关于什么是婚姻的 Let me show you a quick video
"人人都爱雷蒙德"的片段 excerpt of a description of what marriage is all about.
这就是婚姻 [VIDEO: Clip of Everybody Loves Raymond]
你早上一睁眼 她在那 Raymond: Look this is marriage.
你夜晚回家 她在那 You wake up in the morning,and she's there.
你吃饭 她在那 You come home at night,and she's there.
你…你睡觉 她在那 You eat,she's there.
我知道这听起来很恐怖 You--you go to sleep,there.
但是不是 不是 And I know that sounds like a bad thing.
如果你… 如果你找到了合适的人 But it's not.It's not.
这样结婚就很好 很好 Not if it's the-- if it's the right person.
真的真的很好 Then it's good.It's good.
我想要一分钟时间来反驳 It's really,really good.
那么我们来看看各种关系 Frank: I would like a minute for rebuttal.
首先 我们来看看婚外恋 Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar: So let's look at relationships.
看看到底今天 First of all,let's look at the state of affairs-
长期的关系出了什么问题 as what's actually going on with relationship,
婚姻或是其他长期关系 long term relationships today.
我们看到可不是非常好看的景象 Marriage or other.
就婚姻而言 What we see is not a very pretty picture.
如今三分之二的婚姻都以离婚收场 So when it comes to marriages,
这并不意味着剩下那三分之一就过得很好 2/3 of marriages today end up in divorce.
因为经常 经常 This does not mean that the other third are thriving.
人们在一起是因为责任感 习惯 Because very often,very often,
因为没得选了 people stay together out of a sense of duty,out of habit,
因为他们认为这就是他们的命运 because of a lack of alternative,
现在 我当然不是要去论证 because they think this is their lot in life.
所有婚姻或关系都不应该破裂 Now this- and I'm certainly not going to argue for the fact that
当然有 there are no marriages or relationships that should be dissolved.
不是每一段关系都是合适的 我们常常会犯错 Of course there should be.
但我要表达的是 Not every relationship is right and we often make mistake.
很多结束了的关系 But what I am gonna,the argument that
或者许多变成 I am going to make is that many of the relationships that end,
用梭罗的话说"安静的绝望"的关系 or many of the relationships
毫无生气 成了一种惯性 that reach a state in the words of Thoreau,"quiet desperation",
许多这样的关系 of just being there,just sort of an inertia.
要么不应该终结 要么实际上可以很好 Many of these relationships
然而问题是 either should not have ended or can actually thrive.
我们看到 当然有三分之二的人以离婚收场 The problem though is that
但还有三分之一的人 常常 we see certainly with the two thirds who end up in divorce,
无法长期维持爱情 but also with the other third very often
我还不知道在婚礼上 there's a failure to sustain love over time.
或者在别的结婚仪式上 I don't know anyone who has gone to the wedding ceremony
会有哪对夫妇说 or exchanged vows in another setting.
"这只是暂时的 我们将…你懂的 I don't know any couple who did that and say,
携手2年 直到死亡把我们分开 但也不见得" "well,this is just temporary.We are going to do it for you know,
你知道当人们步入一段关系中时 2 years until death do us part,but not really."
他们的想法 他们的希望 You know when people go into a relationship,
是延续他们在关系最初时 their thought,their hopes
拥有的那份爱与热情 is to continue the exact same love and passion
这就是关系如何开始的 这是爱的承诺 that they have at the beginning of the relationship.
但是通常 很显然 This is how relationships start.This is the promise of love.
事与愿违 And yet more often than not,evidently things don't turn out
一个主要原因 as we expected them to have turned out.
一个被许多性治疗师和心理学家引用的原因 One of the main reasons for it,and one of the reasons that
再一次 你不需要研究它 is cited by numerous sex therapists or psychologists-
因为这是如此地不证自明 again you don't need to research for that,
一个原因是因为爱情 because it's so self-evident.
特别是欲望和热情会随着时间磨灭 One of the reasons is because love,
因为我们知道新鲜事物产生更高的激励水平 and especially lust and passion wears over time.
或者用康奈尔大学心理学家Daryl Bem的话说 Because we know that novelty produces higher levels of arousal,
"新奇的总是引人性致的" or in the words of Daryl Bem from Cornell University,psychologist
如果是新鲜事物 它总是更有趣 更让人着迷 "the exotic is erotic."
这就解释了为什么这么多关系都破裂了 If it's new,it's more interesting,more fascinating.
但问题是…这必然是我们本性的一部分吗? And this explains why so many relationships end.
是也不是 The question though is- is that necessarily part of our nature?
是 And the answer is yes and no.
新奇的事物更能刺激我们 我们适应变化 Yes,
这必然是我们本性的一部分 it's necessarily part of our nature that novelty excites us more,
记住 我们是会改变的探测者 that we adapt to what happens.
当新事物出现时 Remember we are change detectors.
我们变得更加受激励 不论是从认知 心理学 We become much more aroused,
还是身体 生理学上说 whether it's cognitively,psychologically,or physically,
我们随着时间变化适应着 不论好与坏 physiologically when there's something new.
所以如果不是以好结果为目标的事件 And we adapt over time it for good and ill.
如果不是找情侣这样的积极的经历 Now it would be wonderful
这种能力是很好的 if that wasn't the case for positive events,
可惜不是 for positive experiences such as finding a romantic partner.
问题是 我们该怎么办? But it isn't.
在我们开始讲"我们怎么办"之前 The question is- what do we do with it?
我先跟你们分享 Let me first share with you
一个我做的研究 before we get to "what do we do with it"-
希望它能尽快发表在 let me share with you a study that I ran.
一个有名的学术期刊上 Hopefully it would be published
但我研究的问题 是个非常重要的问题 in a respectable academic journal soon.
就是谁是世界上最帅的男人和最靓的女人? But my research question- it's a very important one-
说得科学点 谁是商场里最美的人? was who is the hottest woman and the hottest man in the world?
我把这个问题提给了我一个大二的班 Or scientifically put,who is the fairest of the mall?
我当时教一个大二班的心理学 And I posed this question to my sophomore class,
我们有了很长时间的辩论 when I taught a sophomore tutorial in psychology.
但最后 我们得到一个科学的结论 And we had a long debate about it.
没有看过PPT的同学告诉我 But at the end,we came up with scientific results.
你们认为谁被选为了最美的男人? So those of you who don't have the powerpoints in front of you,
你得了A who do you think is chosen as the hottest male?
还有人想要A吗?不 [Inaudible.Laugh]You get an A.
谁被选为了世上最美的男人? Anyone else wants an A? No.
比尔·克林顿?不是 Who was chosen as the hottest male in the world?
谁?乔治·克鲁尼?很接近但还不对 Bill Clinton? No.
(布拉德·皮特!) 答对了 Who? George Clooney? Close but no cigar.
这张图是他站在特洛伊城前 (Brad Pitt!) You got it.
告诉海伦他去去就来 Here is standing right outside Troy,
谁是这世上被大二班科学地证明是 telling Helen that he'll be right over.
最美的女人? Who is the hottest female in the world
你!对!另一个A as scientific proven by the sophomore tutorial?
她是谁?(安吉丽娜·朱莉) 安吉丽娜·朱莉?不是 You! Right! Another A.
(哈莉·贝瑞)哈莉·贝瑞 Who was she? (Angelina Jolie.) Angelina Jolie? No.
这张图是她跟阿德里安·布罗迪说 (Halle Berry.) Halle Berry.
他要是再敢接近她一步 她就杀了他 Here she is telling Adrien Brody that
现在想象一下 想象一下 she'll kill him if he comes step closer to her.
想象你找到了你的布拉德·皮特或者哈莉·贝瑞 Now imagine this.Imagine this.
你理想中的男人或女人 Imagine that you find your Brad Pitt or Halle Berry-
他们不仅美得冒泡 your ideal man or woman.
而且特别感性 聪明 Not only are they sizzling hot,
老成 圣洁 慷慨 仁慈 but they are also extremely sensitive,wise,
一部电影挣1000万美元 way beyond their years,saintly,generous,benevolent,
而且最重要的是 make 10 million dollars a movie.
他们爱你绝不少于你爱他们 And most importantly,
想象一下如果这发生了的话 they love you just as much,if not more than you love them.
你遇到了你的布拉德·皮特或者任何一位你的致命情人 Just imagine if that happens.
或者你遇到了哈莉·贝瑞或者女超人或者女蜘蛛侠 And you meet your Brad Pitt or whoever your Achilles heel is.
或其他真命天女 想象一下 Or you meet Halle Berry or superwoman or spiderwoman,
你看到他们 你跟他们讲话 whomever it is for you.Imagine that.
然后你爱上了他们 他们爱上了你 And you see them.You talk to them.
然后你们结婚了 And you fall in love; and they fall in love with you.
你婚后的第一晚 或者婚前第一晚 And you get married.
你们选 And the first night after your marriage- or before.
你回到家 That's your choice.
没有盔甲会阻挡你 You get home.
没有枪会把你赶走 No armour is going to stop you.
你们成小时 成天 成周 成月地激情不休 No gun is going to drive you away.
你甚至不来上幸福课 You make passionate love for hours and days and weeks and months.
感觉太棒了 You don't even turn up for positive psychology.
想象一下 想象一下 It's so good.
然后当然银幕落下 Imagine that.Just imagine.
你们永远幸福快乐精力充沛地生活在一起 And then of course the screen comes down,
对吗?也许 and you live happily and lustily ever after.
现在想象一下 相爱5年 Right? Maybe.
和这样一个感性 智慧 性感 富有的人 Now imagine this.Five years into the relationship.
相爱5年 With this amazing sensitive,wise,hot,wealthy person.
你参加了一个心理学实验 Five years into the relationship.
这个实验是 You take part in a psychological experiment.
他们把你挂在各种各样电极上 And here is the experiment.
各种各样生理学的 认知学的测量工具上 They hook you up to all these electrodes,
然后他们测量你的生理兴奋水平 to all these physiological,cognitive measurements.
然后你的布拉德·皮特或者哈莉·贝瑞 And they measure your level of physiological arousal.
或者谁走进了这个房间 And then your Brad Pitt or Halle Berry
看看你的生理兴奋水平如何 or whoever it is walk into the room
然后他们离开 and they see how physically aroused you become.
再然后另一个有适当魅力的人 And then they leave.
不是布拉德·皮特和哈莉·贝瑞 And then someone else,who is moderately attractive- you know,
但是个有相当魅力的人走进这个房间 no Brad Pitt and Halle Berry,
你什么时候身体上 本能上 but someone who is moderately attractive walks into the room.
你什么时候身体上更兴奋? When would you become more physically,instinctually-
总得来说 不是总是发生 when would you become more physically aroused?
但大多数情况是 In general- does not always happen-
你会在那个生人进来时 but overwhelming majority of times.
身体上更兴奋 You'll become more physically aroused
为什么?因为新奇的总是引人性致的 when the new person comes in.
因为新鲜的事物有刺激 Why? Because the exotic is erotic.
现在我们在这笑 Because novelty excites.
其实在一定程度上也解释了这个统计数据 Now you know we laugh about this,
这就是为什么这么多关系破裂了 but it actually to some extent explains this statistics,
尽管它们一开始抱着最美好的意愿 which is why so many relationships go soar
最真诚的意愿 但结果它们深陷泥潭 when they start off with the best of intentions,
这是部分的原因 with the most honest intentions,and yet they flounder.
所以这是不是个坏消息?不尽然 And this is the part of the reason why.
它不坏也不好 就是这样 So is this bad news? Not necessarily.
就像我们说万有引力定律 It's not bad or good.It is.
万有引力定律 不好吗?不 没什么不好 It's like talking about the law of gravity.
好吗?也没什么好的 它就是这样而已 The law of gravity- bad? No.It's not bad.
就像我们说痛苦情绪 它们不好吗?不 It's good? It's not good either.It simply is.
它们好吗?不 它们只是如此 So like we talked about painful emotions- are they bad? No.
如果你想过幸福的生活 Are they good? No.They simply are.
如果我们想有良好健康的关系 And if you want to lead a happy life,
我们需要做的是首先接受本性 if we want to have a thriving healthy relationship,
这不是什么好或坏消息 what we need to do is first and foremost accept nature.
只是真实的消息或者不是消息 因为这是我们都知道的 It's not good or bad news;
问题是我们要怎么做? it's simply real news or not news because again we all know this.
我们要怎么遵循本性才能驾驭它? And the question is what do we do with it?
我今节课和下次课要讲的 How do we obey nature so that we can command it?
是我们该如何对待关系 And what I'm gonna talk about today
鉴于新鲜事物带来兴奋的事实 and even more so next time is how we can take relationships,
鉴于生理兴奋水平会升高的事实 given the fact that novelty excites,given the fact that
顺便说一下这对男女一样适用 on the physiological level the arousal will be higher-
当新人出现时兴奋会升高 by the way that applies for men and women.
鉴于此 The excitement will be higher when there's a new person.
我们怎样才能创造一个活跃 进步 Given all that,
超过零点到达幸福的关系 how can we create relationships that thrive,that soar,
这是可能的 that go way beyond the zero to the positive.
幸福心理学可以帮助我们做到 And it's possible.
在接受现实前的第一步是 And positive psychology can help us do it.
理解真爱的真正含义 The first step before accepting reality
因为许多人 许多人会问这样一个问题 is understanding what true love really means.
真爱在现实中存在吗? Because many people,many people ask this question:
是的 它存在于小说中 存在于电影里 does it even exist in reality?
但这些电影荧幕上的角色 So yeah it exists in fiction; it exists in movies.
实际上是比生活中的夸张了 But you know these characters on the movie screen
他们说着完美的台词 他们创造着完美的爱情 are literally larger than life.
我要怎么才能做到 They deliver perfect lines; they make perfect love.
我要怎么才能去经历他们所经历的? How am I going to be able to do that? And
真爱真的存在吗? in fact how am I going to experience what they are experiencing?
我能做到拥有 Does true love really exist?
英格丽·褒曼和亨弗莱·鲍嘉那样的爱情吗? Because can I ever live up to the kind of the relationship
我能到达4万英尺的高度吗? that Ingrid Bergman and Humphrey Bogart had?
我能拥有梅格·瑞恩和汤姆·汉克斯 Can I reach the heights of 40000 feet?
那样的心灵感应吗? Can I have the same mystical connection
我会不会有可能和英国首相一夜风流? as Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks had?
或者和休·格兰特?可能吗?会是真的吗? And will I ever be able to sleep with the British Prime Minister?
你知道自助书帮不了多少 Or Hugh Grant? Is it possible? Is it real?
我最爱的自助书作者之一 Leo Buscaglia And you know self-help books don't help much.
他也是南加大的教授 One of my actual favorite self-help writers,Leo Buscaglia-
非常棒的作者 who's also a professor at University of Southern California.
富于同情心的热情演讲者 帮助了我很多 Wonderful writer.
这是我读的第一本 Compassionate passionate speaker- helped me a lot.
关于生活 爱情和学习的自助书 It was the first self-help book that I read-
关于爱情和关系他如是写道 was about living,loving and learning.
"完美的爱情确实是稀有 因为作为一个爱人 Here is what he writes about love and relationships:
需要你一直拥有智者的敏锐 "Perfect love is rare indeed -for to be a lover will require
儿童的灵活性 艺术家的感性 that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise,
哲学家的领悟 the flexibility of the child,the sensitivity of the artist,
圣人的包容 the understanding of the philosopher,
学者的宽容和笃定者的刚毅" the acceptance of the saint,
多美的文字 the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain."
如此美 如此严苛的条件 What a beautiful passage.
谁能做到这些?有谁吗? So beautiful and so detrimental.
你瞧 完美的爱情是不存在的 Who can live up to this? Anyone?
去期望自己 自己的情侣 You see there is no perfect love.
自己的关系这么完美 注定会失败 To expect this of myself,of my partner,
我不希望Tammy对她的伴侣有这样的期望 of our relationship is to set us up for failure.
因为我能向你们保证我会辜负她的 I would not want Tammy to expect this in her partner.
根据这些标准我辜负了她 Because I can guarantee you I would fail her.
我对她也是一样 这是不可能的 是不现实的 I have failed her,according to the standards.
当我们的期望高于生活时 As she me.It's impossible.It's unrealistic.
当我们的期望是完美的台词 或完美的爱情时 And we set ourselves up for failure
我们就在为自己的失败做着准备 when our expectations are larger than life.
但我们读到的都是完美 When our expectations are perfect lines,or perfect love.
我们看到的都是完美 And yet this is what we read about.
我们开始把这些 This is what we see.
这条我们关系的直线 And we begin to internalize this-
完美又不真实 this straight line of our relationship,
但是尽管完美的爱情不存在 真爱却存在 which is perfect and unreal.
真爱存在于不完美的人中 But while perfect love doesn't exist,true love does.
什么是真爱? True love exists between imperfect humans.
幸福心理学又怎么帮你识别它? What is true love?
首先 问这一领域里 How can positive psychology help us identify it?
最经常被问及的问题 First,by asking different questions
其次 不仅关注什么起了作用 that have been mostly been asked in this area.
还要关注什么在这些少数真的很好 Second,by focusing not just on what works,
没有破裂 没有走到尽头的 没有到达安静的绝望状态 but on what works best on the few relationship
或者弗洛伊德所说的"惬意的麻木"的 that really thrive that have not dissolved,that have not ended,
毫无生气的关系中 that are not just here in a state of quiet desperate,
什么起了最大的作用 or as Pink Floyd said,just "comfortably numb"-
让我们从他们身上学学 向最佳情侣学学 but relationships that are here.
所以我们需要做的第一件事就是重新组织一下这个问题 Let's learn from them.Let's learn from the tip of the stem.
还记得我们在讲冒险的青春时也是这么做的 So the first thing that we need to do is reframe the question.
我们对那些快乐 健康 成功的人 Remember we did the exact same thing with at risk youth.
也是这么做的 We did the exact same thing
讲几何形状时我们也是这么做的 with people who are happy,healthy and successful.
因为问题引起了探索 We did the same thing when it came to the geometric shapes.
问题定义了现实 Because questions start a quest.
传统心理学问过 And questions define reality.
夫妻咨询师 这一领域内的研究者问过 And traditional psychology has asked-
为什么这么多长期的关系失败了? couple's counselors,researchers in the area have asked-
为什么这么多人在一起一年两年或者5年之后 why do so many long term relationships fail?
结束了他们的关系? Why do so many people after a year or two or five years together
为什么许多人 end their relationship?
在一起后就不再幸福了? Why is that many people
他们得到的答案之一就是 who do stay together are no longer thriving?
因为新鲜事物刺激我们 And one of the answers that
因为寻求刺激是人类本性的一部分 they got was because novelty arouses us.
新奇的是引人性致的 Because it's part of human nature to seek excitement.
那是一个答案 并且是个正确的答案 The erotic is the exotic.
也是一个我们要考虑的重要因素 That's one of the answers and again it's a true answer;
这是现实的一部分 不管我们喜欢或不喜欢 it's an important thing to take into consideration.
但那个问题还不够 It's part of the reality whether we like it or not.
就像当我们问风险人群时 But that question is not enough-
或者当我问你们几何形状时 just like the similar question was not enough
类似的问题一样并不足够 when we asked about at risk population,
当我们只问这个问题时 or when I asked you about the geometric shapes.
我们实际上忽略了一部分现实 And when we only ask this question,
非常重要的一部分现实 we quite literally miss a part of reality
这一部分现实能引导持续 良好 and a very important part of reality-
激情的关系 a part of reality can lead to lasting,thriving,
幸福心理学所问的问题是 passionate relationships.
"什么让一些关系发展良好 And the question that positive psychology asks is
并随着时间越来越好?" "what makes some relationships thrive
因为这样的关系确实存在 and grow stronger over time?"
我有幸看到了这样的关系 Because there are such relationships.
我跟你们讲过的我祖母和 You know I was fortunate to see a relationship
我祖父之间的关系 like that between my grandmother
他们结婚53年 whom I told you about and my grandfather.
我们有一些拍他们一起的照片 They were married for 53 years.
在照片里 我祖母 她是家里的女家长 The pictures that we have of them,and the way they were together
非常强势的女人 一直也非常幽默 is that my grandmother who was the matriarch of the family-
她坐下来 you know a very,very powerful woman,always,also very humorous-
我祖父挨着她 把他的手搭在她肩头 was of her sitting down
看着她 and my grandfather next to her with his hand on her shoulder,
就像16岁相爱的小年青 just looking at her.
他们结婚53年 Just like a 16 year old in love.
当然也有起起落落 They were married for 53 years.
有过纷争和失望 Of course with their ups and downs
他们也不完美 and disagreements and disappointments.
但他们有一段发展良好的关系 充满激情的关系 They are not perfect either.
这些关系有什么特别?什么让它们如此成功? But they had a thriving relationship,passionate relationship.
重要的问题是 What is about these relationships? What makes them successful?
"我们能学到什么并应用到我们的关系里 And the important question is
如果我们想 "what can we learn and apply to our relationships,
维持一段激情的关系?" if what we are interested in
所以让我们学习那些成功的范例 is a long term passionate relationship?"
不只是学习成功的关系 So let's learn from what works.
还要学习最好的 我们能研究并学习的 Let's learn not just from what works,
最好的关系 but let's learn from what works best- the best relationships that
下面是一些我们能从 we can look at and study and learn from.
这些关系上学到的东西 Here are some of the lessons that
我要从研究者们那借鉴 we can learn from these relationships.
首先是John Gottman 我之前提到过的 And I'm going to draw on to researchers.
然后是David Schnarch First,John Gottman whom I mentioned before.
David Schnarch和我之前提到的John Gottman And the second- David Schnarch.
在异性关系和同性关系方面 David Schnarch as well as John Gottman as I mentioned earlier
做了一个非常好的研究 have done research, a very good research
下面是一些我会讲到的他们的发现 on opposite as well as same sex relationships.
"首先 当我想出怎么预测离婚时 Here are some of the things that they find I will talk about.
我以为我找到了拯救婚姻的钥匙 "At first,when I figured out how to predict divorce,
但和我之前的许多专家一样 我错了 I thought I had found the key to saving marriages.
我没能破解拯救婚姻的密码 But like so many experts before me,I was wrong.
直到我开始分析在幸福的婚姻里什么是对的" I was not able to crack the code to saving marriages
他如是写道 如果我没记错的话 是在…1999年 until I started to analyze what went right in happy marriages."
2001年的时候他的研究更进了一步 He wrote this,if I'm not mistaking,in 19...Sorry 1999.
我们下周会讲到这个研究 And 2001 he took a step further
他研究了同性关系 and we'll see next week in the research
他学到的东西多于 where he studied same sex relationships
他研究异性关系促进因素时所学到的 and learned even more things than he studied
总之关键是要去研究成功的关系 what goes well in opposite sex relationships.
不管这个关系是什么 不管它的本质是什么 But the key was to study successful relationship,
当他研究了这些 一切就大为不同了 whatever the relationship was,whatever its nature was.
他可以预测 And when he studied those,that make all the difference.
他可以以94%的准确度预测离婚 He could predict,
94% 那是个社会科学领域前所未闻的数字 he can predict divorce with an accuracy level of 94 percent.
非常卓越 他可以做到 94 percent.That's an unheard figure in social sciences.
但这没能帮他创造更好的长期关系 Quite remarkable.And he was able to do it.
只有当他开始问这个问题 But it didn't help him create better long term relationship.
"什么让这些关系发展良好 It was only when he started to ask this question-
并随着时间越来越好?" and grow stronger over time?" – "what makes some relationships thrive
就是那时他继续研究 That's when he went ahead
并且能为更好的关系提供挽救方法 and was able to prescribe better relationships.
我要借鉴的第二个人是David Schnarch The second person that I will draw on is David Schnarch.
下面是他在他那本非常棒的书 And here is what he says in his wonderful book,
《激情婚姻》中写道的 "Passionate Marriage".
"橘皮组织和性潜能是高度联系的" "Cellulite and sexual potential are highly correlated."
他研究最成功的关系的结果表明 what he showed in his research studying the best relationships is
他们多年来享受一起的时光 that not only do they enjoy spending time together over the years
而且他们这辈子最棒的性爱 but the best sex that they have in their lives doesn't come
并不是在他们18岁或25岁或35岁时 when they are 18 or 25 or 35.
事实上是在50多岁和60多岁时 It actually is for 50 and 60 years olds.
所以你们还有很多可以期望的 So you have a lot to look forward to.
这不是说 Now that does not mean,
18岁时的性爱就不好了 that does not mean it can't be great at 18.
只是在50和60多岁时会更好 It can even be greater at 50 and 60.
这就是他在他研究成功关系时发现的 That's what he showed in his research of thriving relationships.
但这样的关系只占少数 Now these are not the majority of the relationships,
很可惜 unfortunately.
因为现今大部分人到了50岁和60岁的年纪时 Because most people today by the age of 50 and 60,
他们已经到了第2段或第3段婚姻 they are into their second or third marriage
或者长期关系中了 or long term relationship.
但常常是越到后面才越精彩 However very often it is later on that it becomes better.
就是那时生理兴奋水平 And that's when it's devious away,
偏离 远离了合适的水平 goes away from the just physiological level of arousal,
据说可能在男人24岁 女人35岁时 which may be stronger at the age of 24 they say for men
更为强烈 and 35 for women.
我不知道他们从哪得到这些数据的 And I mean I don't where did they get these numbers from.
但我们实际上有潜在可能达到高峰 注意这个用词 But we actually peak potentially- note the word here-
我们有潜在可能在50多岁和60多岁时到达高峰 potentially we peak in our 50s and 60s.
为什么?我们之后会理解 And why? We'll understand later.
下面是我们下次课 So here are the things that
将要讨论的内容 we are going to talk about in the next class.
我们将分析增长的统计数据 We are going to engage in growing statistic.
我们将研究最好的关系 We are going to look at the best relationships,
就像我们研究最好的老师Marva Collins一样 just like we looked at the best teacher Marva Collins;
就像我们研究最好的冥想者Lama Oser等人一样 just like we looked at the best meditators,Lama Oser and others.
我们将研究最好的关系 We are going to look at the best relationships
并提问我们能从中学到什么并应用到自己的生活中 and ask what can we learn from it and apply to our lives.
再讲一分钟 一分钟 One minute.One minute.
我们将讨论4个不同的话题 And we are gonna talk about four different topics.
第一个 维持恋情需要努力 First- that relationship is about hard work.
如果你想在工作上有好的发展 你需要努力工作 If you want to thrive at work,you need to work hard;
如果你想在关系上有良好发展 你需要投资 if you want to thrive in a relationship,you need to invest.
第二 我们会讲到怎样投资 Second- and we'll talk about how to invest.
最好的关系 That the best relationships
创造了高水平的亲密关系 are ones that create high levels of intimacy
让彼此之间有更深层次的了解 that get to know one another in a deeper level.
这些是良好的关系 And these are the relationships that thrive.
这些是保持激情的关系 These are the relationships that also maintain passion
并且随着时间过去 感情升温 and enhance passion 5,10,and 50 years hence;
最好的关系并不能 the best relationships are not relationships
免于冲突 that are devoid of conflict-
我们会讲到其涵义及其状态 and we'll talk about what that means and what that looks like.
最后我们在上幸福心理学的课 And finally we are in a positive psychology class.
这是关于欣赏积极事物的课 It is about appreciating the positive.
因为当我们欣赏好的事物时 好的事物会青睐 Because when we appreciate the good,the good appreciates,
我们及他人 whether in ourselves or in others.
我们周四再见 See you on Thursday.
掌声 [Applause]