大家好 上节课我们学到了休整 Student:Hello.Last lecture we learned about recovery.
时不时地放下工作 放松一下自己 At time,away from work really relax.
我想邀请你们参加一项传统并且 I'd like to invite you to join a traditional
有历史渊源的休整节日 犹太安息日 and time-tested recovery period,Shiva,the Jewish sabbath.
这周五的晚上 This Friday night,
哈佛的Howard Hill和Hervat将邀请大家 Howard Hill and Hervat at Harvard invite you and your friends
来Mac中心享用犹太安息日大餐 to Shiva dinner at the Mac for Shiva 1000.
欢迎来到Mac中心的露天平台 Come for free dinner at the deck down Mac
和你的朋友们一起享用免费大餐 with all of your friends,
我们的Tal Ben-Shahar教授将会发表讲话 where our very own professor Tal Ben-Shahar will be speaking.
中心将于六点半开门 晚餐七点开始 Doors are open at 630,and dinner starts at 7.
如果想参加请迅速在Shiva1000.org上回复 Please RSVP for this really fun event at Shiva1000.org.
所有人都欢迎前来 Everyone is invited,so please sign up.
大家好 Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar:Hi,good morning.
我还被要求替女子垒球队通知大家 I was also asked to announce on behalf of the Women Softball team
她们原本是要来这里通知大家的 They would've been here and they would've announced themselves,
但是她们现在正在进行比赛 一场被推迟了的比赛 but they are at the game and that was delayed.
这周六和周日都有比赛 There's a game this Sunday and...Saturday.Saturday and Sunday.
还有男子棒球队 And also for the men's baseball team.
所以请去为他们欢呼 还有一个通知 So come out and cheer.And one more announcement.
他们听不见 抱歉 好的 They can't hear.Sorry.Yeah.Yeah.
好的 就是5月21号 九点十五分开始决赛 All right.So May 21,9:15- day for the final.
希望你们能过去看看 Um hope you can make it.
是周一 好的 OK.It's a Monday.All right.
每年只要我一要讲完美主义的课 So every year when I teach the perfectionism lecture,
就有点坏事要发生 something happens.
第一年 So the first year,
我记得我是把电脑忘在了家里 I remember I actually forgot my computer at home.
第二年 投影仪又坏了 Second time,the projector didn't work.
而这一年 我忘了带电源线了 And this year I forgot my power,
把电源线忘在了家里 my power for the computer at home.
所以希望这点电能支持一个学期 So hopefully it will last the entire semester.
如果不行的话我们就只能面对不完美了 If not we'll just have to deal with the imperfect scenario,
但是其实也没关系的 but that's OK.
这肯定是潜意识里的问题 I think it must be something subconscious.
因为这也太巧合了 Because it's too much of a coincidence
每次都有这些事情发生 that every time something happens.
的确是这样 Walk the talk.
那么上次我们讲到哪了 So where were we last time?
上次我们讲到你们是怎么学会走路的 Last time we talked about how you learned how to walk.
我们讲到你们是怎么学会画圆圈的 We learned about how you learned to draw circles.
都是通过不断地失败 如爱迪生所说 And all through failure.As Thomas Edison said,
"我通过不断失败以至成功" "I learned my way...I failed my way to success."
我们从那些最顶尖的运动员身上看到 And we saw it with top athletes,
不管是Babe Ruth还是乔丹 whether it was Babe Ruth or Michael Jordan.
我们也从最顶尖的生意人身上看到 We saw it with top business people,
不管是IBM创始人Thomas Watson还是 whether it was Thomas Watson,IBM or Anita Roddick,
Anita Roddick 美体小铺的创始人 founder of the,of Body Shop.
我们从艺术家和科学家身上看到 We see it with artist and scientist-
最成功的人也是失败最多的人 the most successful ones are also the ones who failed the most,
而他们就是那些 and these are the ones
深刻明白失败的价值与重要性的人 who understand the value and the importance of failure.
我向你们保证 他们没人喜欢失败 I guarantee you then none of them enjoy failing.
失败让人受伤 让人极度失望 Failing hurts; it's disappointing at best;
让人沮丧 也经常使人尴尬 it's frustrating; it's embarrassing often.
但是 那些最为成功的人 都会 However,people who ultimately succeed recognize
认识到失败和从失败中学习的价值 that value of failure and learning from it.
有一本非常好的书 There's a wonderful book
是由我的一位导师最近完成的 that came out recently by one of my mentors-
他在商学院教了几年书 he taught at the business school for a few years;
他是一名在 he is a professor
南加州大学任职的教授 Warren Bennis at University of Southern California- Warren Bennis.
Warren Bennis写了一本书 And Warren Bennis wrote a book,
名叫做《极客与怪杰》 which is called "Geeks and Geezers".
在这本书里 And in the book,
他将非常年轻的顶多30岁出头的 he compared very successful leaders who were young,
年轻成功人士和老一代的 early 30s and older generation leaders,
真正有所成就的划时代领袖人物 people who have really made it,
他们多在七十岁 八十岁甚至九十岁以上 big time leaders who are now in their 70s and 80s,sometimes 90s.
他将两组人进行了对比 And he compared these two groups:
极客 指那些年轻的 怪杰 指年长的 the geeks- the young ones; the geezers,the older ones.And
而他发现 有一些 what he found was that there were a number of very interesting
非常有趣同时也很有意义的差异 and meaningful differences between the generations
存在于年轻的二十多到三十出头的成功人士 of again highly successful late 20s or early 30 years old
和年长的成功领袖人物之间 and highly successful older individuals.
其中最明显的差异就是 One of the most notable differences was that work...
工作与生活的平衡 work life balance,
这对于年轻的成功人士来说非常重要 which is very important for the late 20s,early 30s.
非常重要 他们自己也经常谈论这个 Very important- they talked about it constantly,
但是对于年老一代的成功人士那里 whereas for the 70 80 90 year olds,
这几乎完全就是一个外来观念 it was almost a foreign concept.
这是什么意思啊 为什么会这样呢 What does that even mean? Why?
因为他们总是处在工作中 Because they were at work usually 24/7.
在那个样本中所有人都是男性 All of them in that sample were men.
而女性则待在家里 负责生活的部分 And the women were at home,taking care of the life part.
所以说他们的工作与生活的平衡是 So there was a work life balance- where they were doing the work,
丈夫负责工作 妻子负责照顾生活 the wives were doing the life.
在年轻成功人士的样本里 男女都有 Whereas the younger generation,men and women in that sample
那他们自然会谈论到工作与生活的平衡 and talking about the work life balance.
两代人之间还有其它的不同 There are a few other differences as well,
但是也有一个相同点 but there is one similarity,
这一点对于两代人来说都是一样的 one thing that was common to both groups.
那就是有至少一次 And that was at least one,
一般来说要多于一次的 显著的失败 usually more than one significant failure,
Warren Bennis称其为"考验" 一次灾难 what Warren Bennis came to call "a crucible",a real crisis
无论是重要的竞争失败 或者失去了工作 whether it was a meaningful loss or losing a job being fired,
还是受到了屈辱 失去了亲人 one's identity being insulted,loss of a person.
一些严重的考验 一次失败的经历 Some real serious crucible,a failure.
这是两代人都共同拥有的 That was common to both groups,
他们都将失败看做一个关键点 and both groups thought that failure as a pivotal point,
一个生活的转折点 as a turning point in their lives.
一些帮助造就今天的他们的因素 Something that helped them become who they are today.
再说一遍 我不是说已经发生的是好事 Again,not saying it happened for the best
而是他们能够好好利用已经发生的事 but they were able to make the best of that which happened.
每个人都会经历考验 Now most people experience crucibles
都会面临困难和阻碍 throughout their lives,hardships,difficulties,
但是那些极度成功的人 but difference between the highly successful people,
如Warren Bennis的书里面写到的那些人 for example the sample in Warren Bennis's book
和一般人的不同之处在于 and many other people is that
他们能够好好地利用已经发生的事情 they are able to make the best of what happens.
他们将这些事情看成机遇 They see it as an opportunity,
一种学习的经历 一块垫脚石 a learning experience,a stepping stone.
这就是失败对于适应力与完善人格的作用 The importance of failure for resilience,for well being as well.
我们继续来定义一下完美主义吧 So let me move on and define what we mean by perfectionism.
因为现在有很多的定义 Because there are many definitions
我们经常提及这个词 and we throw that word around constantly.
但我要说的完美主义是什么 But what do I actually mean by perfectionism?
我的定义是 I define it as:
一种充斥在我们生活中的对失败的失能性恐惧 an incapacitating fear of failure that permeates our lives,
尤其是在我们最在意的方面 especially those areas that we care about most.
注意"失能性"这个词 不只是对失败的恐惧 Note the word incapacitating.It is not just a fear of failure.
好吧 我也不认识哪怕一个不害怕失败 OK I don't know a person who is not afraid of failure,
也不会因为失败感到尴尬或沮丧的人 who is not embarrassed by it or feels frustrated by it.
这是很自然的 So that's natural.
这就是人性 不管我们喜欢不喜欢 That's human- whether we like it or not.
但对失败的失能性畏惧是 But an incapacitating fear of failure is the failure
一种让我们在面对问题的时候 that is debilitating us,that stops us,that prevents us
裹足不前的的畏惧 from coping,from trying,from putting ourselves on the line.
而我要在这个定义里强调的另一点 And the other part that I want to highlight in this definition
就是"尤其是我们最在意的方面" is that "especially those areas that we care about most".
你们也明白 You know,
我在玩大富翁的时候可不是完美主义者 I am not a perfectionist when it comes to playing Monopoly.
这也不是因为... It's not that
这的确很有竞争性 It's competitive.
但是对于我来说胜败并不重要 but it's not that important for me if I win or lose.
但是完美主义确是我生活的重心 But perfectionism was a central part of my life
比如说 就如同我提到过的 when it came to- as I mentioned earlier,
壁球对我而言非常重要 squash which was very meaningful to me,
学术对我而言也非常重要 academics which is very meaningful to me,and
和别人的关系对我来说也非常重要 relationships which was and is a very important part of my life.
在这些方面 我就体会到了完美主义 So in these areas,that's where I experienced perfectionism,
也是在这些方面 我必须并且一直在努力 and that's where I needed to do the work and still doing the work
在这些方面 让我详细说明一下 It's in those areas.Let me elaborate on this definition.
这是我们在面对人生的旅途的时候 It is an approach,a cognitive and emotional schema,
也是我们从A点到B点的过程中 that we hold toward the journey of our lives,
采取的一种方式 一种认知与情感的基模 toward the process of getting from point A to point B.
重点在旅途上面 The emphasis here is on journey.
一个追求卓越的人仍可能和完美主义者 A person committed to excellence can still be as ambitious
一样 或者比完美主义者更有野心 and more ambitious than a perfectionist.
两者之间的不同 The difference between the two
在于他们面对旅途时的方式 is just their approach toward the journey.
我来举个例子 首先是一个完美主义者 Let me illustrate.So let's first take the perfectionist.
他正站在A点 The perfectionist is currently at point A,
他想到B点去 wants to get to the point B.
什么是最完美最有效率的方式呢 What's the perfect,most efficient path between the two points?
就是直的路线 Straight line!
这就是路线 这就完美主义者在面对 This is the path- this is the cognitive and emotional schema
旅途的时候抱有的认知与感情的基模 that the perfectionist has when he or she looks at the journey,
怎么从起点到终点 how they want to get from where they are now to where they want to get to.
一个追求卓越的人 A person committed to,to excellence,
和完美主义者一样雄心勃勃 as ambitious as the person,perfectionist,
也想从A点到B点去 wants to get from point A to point B.
没什么不一样 不同之处在哪里 No different here.What is different?
对于这段旅途 认知基模上的不同 The cognitive schema that relates to the journey.
追求卓越的人明白 The person committed to excellence understands
当他进步的时候 不可避免地会遭遇失败 that while he improves,inevitably at some point,he would fail.
一个追求卓越的人明白 A perfectionist understands that
有时候她不一定能拿到她想要的分数 sometimes she may not get the grade that she expected,
但她会吸取教训 but she would learn from it.
一个也明白在恋爱关系之中 A perfectionist understands that in relationships
根本就没有完美的恋爱关系 there is no such thing as a perfect relationship
所以 他会犯错 and then therefore,he sometimes makes a mistake,
她也会犯错 so she sometimes makes a mistake,
但他们都会不断吸取教训 but they continue and they learn from it.
然后他们的感情不断地变得更加坚固 And the relationship becomes,gets stronger.
完美主义者明白 And a perfectionist understands that
他需要不断地失败 he needs to fail time and again-
五次 十次 有时候一万次 5 times,10 times,sometimes 10 thousand times
就如同我们了解的爱迪生的故事那样 as we saw with Edison until they get to the point B.
一样地野心勃勃 但是基模有所不同 As ambitious,but the schema is very different.
我必须画出许多不好的圆圈 I have to draw many failed circles
在你们画出Vincent上次画出的那个圆以前 before you get to that ideal circle that Vincent drew last time.
现在的问题是 哪个才更现实 And the question now becomes "so which is realistic?"
拥有这样的基模是否现实 Is it realistic to have that schema
或者说这个才比较现实 or is this one more realistic?
我想这是很明显的 Well,I think it's pretty obvious.
要达到成功可没有直线的捷径 There is no straight line toward success.
要达成一段快乐的恋情也没有捷径 There is no straight line toward a happy relationship.
要发明电灯泡也没有捷径 There is no straight line toward being inventing the light bulb,
学好心理学也没有 or being good at psychology,
想成为好的父母或者朋友也没有 or being a good parent or a good friend.
我们会犯错 We make mistakes.
而且 自然的规律我们必须遵守 And "nature to be commanded must be obeyed."
追求卓越就是要克服困难 Pursuing excellence is about a constraint view of nature.
是啊 我也希望我能直接从A点到B点 Yes,I wish that I could get from point A to point B in this way.
我希望我能做到 我希望我不必经历失败 I wish I were so.I didn't enjoy failing my generals;
我不喜欢不断地失败与打壁球输掉 I didn't enjoy falling down many times and losing in squash.
我当然也不会喜欢和我妻子意见不合 I certainly don't enjoy disagreements with my wife.
我甚至宁愿没有万有引力定律 However,I also would rather not have the law of gravity
然后我就可以到处飞或者到处飘 and be able to fly everywhere or float everywhere.
这是现实 而这就是幻想了 This is.This is a fantasy.
当我们心中存在着这样的基模的时候 And when we have this schema in our mind,
我们就在让自己反抗自然规律 we are putting ourselves,fighting nature,
就如我们如果不接受万有引力定律的话 and just like we would lead an unhappy and frustrating life,
我们的生活就会充满不快与沮丧 if we did not accept the law of gravity,
我们活着 那么多人也活着 哈佛有不少人 we live and so many people live- so many people at Harvard,
不只是哈佛 所有地方都有 时常沮丧 not just at Harvard,everywhere are frustrated constantly,
因为在他们心里 他们一直有这样的基模 because in their minds,they have this schema.
再说一遍 这并不是说我们该享受失败 And again,this does not mean that we enjoy failure.
但当我们有这样的基模的时候 But when we have this schema,
同时又不享受失败 in addition to not enjoying failure,
我们就会因为难以接受事实而沮丧 we have the frustration of not accepting reality.
拥有这样的基模也会有后果的 Now there are consequences to having this schema.
我就想讨论一下这样的后果 I want to discuss some of these consequences
怀有拥有这样的基模的人的一些特征 and some of the characteristics of a person who holds this schema
根本就没有完美的完美主义者 Now there is no perfect perfectionist.
就如我说的 我们都存在于一个闭区间内 As I said,we all exist somewhere along the continuum.
确实有一些人 And there are many people,
确实有很多人更接近这个区间的这端 again,many people here were closer to this end of the continuum.
我想和你们分享的这些特征 都是那些 The characteristics that I'd like to share with you are all ones
已经被记载于文学作品之内的 that are documented in literature.
有很多人都拥有这样的特征 There are many people who have them.
你们大家或多或少都具有一些这样的特征 You will identify with some of the characteristics,
而不是别的特征 not with others.
这也没关系的 That's fine.
所有的这些特征 除了都已被心理学著作 All the characteristics in addtion to being well documented in
详述以外 我也都有过体会 the psychological literature are also ones that I experienced,
或者现在仍有所体会 or still experience.
所以这些特征对我来说具有一定的意义 So these ones are personally meaningful to me,
它们本身也非常常见 in addtion to being also quite common.
第一个是 自卫性 The first one: defensiveness.
在争论和讨论中 完美主义者都有自卫性 In arguments,in discussions,perfectionists are defensive.
为什么 因为批评在定义上就是一种 Why? Because a criticism is by definition a deviation
对于完美的直线方式的偏离 from a straight line.
这就是不完美 是一种挑刺 It's imperfection.It's a daint.
就是我没做得完美的事情 It's something that maybe I'm not doing perfectly well.
我们都不喜欢偏离我们所持基模的东西 And we don't like deviations from a schema we have.
记住了 我们的心是不喜欢内在与外在 Remember,the mind doesn't like when there is an inconsistency
之间的脱节的 between what is inside and what is outside.
我们需要的是平衡 一致 We want there to be a balance,congruence.
我们不喜欢横生枝节 We don't like desinence.
而如果我们心中抱有的是完美主义基模 And if what we have in mind is the perfecionist schema,
而批评又是对其的偏离 the criticism is a deviation from it.
那我们就会变得有自卫性 And then we become defensive.
这是我多次有所感受的 Again,something that I experience numerously times;
并且也是我一直在努力解决的 something that I'm working on constantly.
附带一提 或者说是正好相反 In addition,or in constrast,
一个追求卓越的人是心胸开阔的 a person committed to excellence is open,
他会欢迎时不时的建议与批评 is welcoming of suggestions and criticisms at times.
这不是说他或者她喜欢这样 It doesn't mean that he or she enjoys it,
而是他或她明白这是必要的 but he or she understands that it's necessary,
这是成长与发展的重要部分 that it's an important part of growth,of development.
完美主义者只注意到空着的那半个杯子 Perfectionist focuses on the half empty part of the glass.
为什么 因为完美主义者为失败所困扰 Why? Because a perfectionist is obssessed by failure,
被对直线完美方式的偏离所困扰 obssessed by deviations from that straight narrow.
而不管是什么 困扰我们的 And whatever it is,what are obssessed with by definition
就是我们所关注的 is what we constantly focus on.
他或她一直关注未能达成的东西 So he or she constantly fosues on what is not working,
关注潜在的可能失败或者是真正的失败 on potential failures or actual failures.
追求卓越的人 Person committed to excellence
则会专注于已经满的那半个杯子 focuses on the half full part of the glass.
为什么 因为他或她既享受达成目标 How? Because he or she enjoys getting to where he or she is going
又学会享受过程中的每一步 那就是旅途 but also learns to enjoy every step of the way- the journey,
即便是失败也能是机遇 even failure is an opportunity.
完美主义者会过度一般化 夸大化问题 Person com...A perfectionist over generalizes,catastrophizes.
非黑即白 我要么是完美的 要么一无是处 It's all or nothing.Either I'm perfect,or I'm a failure.
我们等一下就能看到 And we'll see the consequences
这样的"全部或没有"的对立于现实的方法 in a minute of this "all or nothing" approach.
造成的后果 Versus realistic.
我们又谈到了 明白现实是什么样的 Again,realizing what reality looks like,
明白事物的过程是怎么样的 what progress in essence looks like.
对于完美主义者来说 是没有自我接受的 For perfectionist,there is no self-acceptance.
对于追求卓越的人来说 A person committed to excellence-
能够接受现实中存在的各种弯路 there is acceptance first of all of reality as comprising spirals
而没有一步登天的捷径 rather than a straight line.
能够接受个人的失败 Acceptance of personal failure
能够将自己视作一个整体予以接受 and the acceptance of the self as a whole.
对完美主义者来说 只有一种方式是合适的 Perfectionist- there is one way and that's the highway.
并且是固定不变的 It is a static.
没有任何提升的空间 也没有丝毫偏离 There is no improvization; there is no deviation;
更没有问题和错误 there is no trial and error.
只有一种方式 而不是更为动态性的 There is just one way in contrast to having much more dynamic,
更有弹性与自发性的过程与旅途 flexible process and journey,with much more sponetaneity,
在行为中自我证实 which manifests itself of course in behaviors.
完美主义者恐惧失败 恐惧来自于内心的 A perfectionist is terrified to failure- terrified that failure
自己将自己视为失败者的失败 from within that he or she perceives themselves as failures
也恐惧他人将自己视为失败者 but also that others see him or her as a failure.
就是为了维持那种完美的幻觉 Keeping that fa?ade,that image of impregnability of perfection.
而不是将失败视为反馈 不是说要享受失败 Versus failure as feedback.Again,not enjoying failure.
我还没遇到过享受失败的人 I haven't met a person who does enjoy failing,
而是要将失败视为一种反馈和成长的机会 but seeing it more as feedback,as a growth opportunity.
完美主义者只想着怎么到达这里 A perfectionist is all about getting here.
他们只关注这个 只针对目的 That's what it's about.This is a means toward an end.
直来直去的 Tangential.
别的事情根本不重要 Something that is not important
如果它不能让我达到目的的话 other than taking me from here to here.
但对于追求卓越的人来说 Or as for person committed to excellence,
旅途和终点都是成功的一部分 the journey is much part of the success as the destination.
这样的基模上的差异 Now there are numerous,numerous consequences to this distinction
会导致很多的后果 to holding one schema versus the other.
我在这里列举一些 Here are some of them.
第一个 就是完美主义者只能感受到 The first one is that a perfectionist experiences only,
最多也只是 暂时性的轻松 at best,temporary relief.
是的 So yes,
他们会感受到持续的压力 但当他们 there are constant pressure but when he or she gets to point B,
达到目的之后 他们感到了轻松 then they feel relieved.
这就是典型的逐利者 This is essentially the consummate rat racer.
我来给你们一个这样的逐利者的例子 Let me give you an example of such a rat racer.
一个人 我们姑且称他为X先生 The person- let's call him X-
去上学了 上小学 goes to school,goes to an elementary school.
在那之前 Until that point,
他一直很享受学前的生活 he really enjoyed his day care,pre-K,kindergarten.
而他上学以后就开始有压力了 And then he goes to school and the pressure begins.
因为他明白 他必须很努力地读书 Because he begins to understand he really needs to work very hard
并取得非常好的成绩来上一个好初中 and do extremely well if he is to get into a good middle school.
因为他父母想让他进的那间初中 Because the middle school that his parents want him to go to
竞争很激烈 非常不好进 is very competitive,very tough to get into.
他确实进了一间不错的小学 And he did get into a very good elementary school.
但是现在他要为初中而努力了 But now he has to do the same for middle school.
所以他有了压力 他并不享受小学生活 So the pressure mounts.And he doesn't really enjoy school.
但他确实感受过轻松 在假期到来的时候 But then he experiences relief when the holidays come,
在全家去度假 或者考试结束的时候 when they go on a family vacation or when the exams end and
在他可以不用担心考试和朋友玩的时候 he can play with his friends without thinking of the next test.
他经过了小学阶段 却不怎么喜欢 He goes through school,not really liking it,
他感受过轻松 却丝毫没有感受过 experiencing more series of reliefs rather than passion
在他还在幼儿园的时候感受过的那种 and love of learning which he did experience
对于学习的热情与喜爱 when he was in kindergarten,but no more.
他后来进入了梦想中的初中 And he gets into his dream middle school-
那所他一直想要进入的初中 the middle school that he was meant to go to all along.
他做到了 He makes it.
他只在前两周里感觉非常高兴 And he feels wonderful and great and terrific for 2 weeks.
因为他要开始考虑 Because he now needs to start thinking about
他梦想中的高中了 the high school of his dreams.
为什么 因为那所高中 Why? Because that high school
是进入全国最好的那些大学的垫脚石 is a feeder school for the top colleges in the country.
他也很想进入一间全国最好的大学 And he really wants to get into one of those.
所以他在初中又很努力地学习 So he really struggles and works hard during,in middle school.
他并不怎么享受这样努力的过程 He doesn't really enjoy his work.
但是他成功了 他进入了梦想中的高中 But he makes it,and he gets into his dream high school.
他很兴奋 从来没有这么高兴过 And he is ecstatic.Happier than he had ever been before.
因为他已经是全国最出色的孩子中的一员 Because here he is- among the smartest kids in the country.
进这所高中不容易 但是他做到了 Very difficult to get into this school- but he makes it.
然后他又开始学习 And there he starts to learn.
他又只开心了一周 压力又来了 He's happy for about a week and then the pressure mounts
因为这所高中里面竞争非常激烈 because it is a very competitive school
他必须加入两个运动队 and he has to join two varsity sports
还有三个学生组织 因为他必须 and three students organizations because he has to pad,
充实他的简历好让自己进入梦想中的大学 to build his resume so that he gets into his dream college.
他过得很挣扎 一点意思也没有 And he struggles,and it's not fun.
但是他对自己说"这只是暂时的 But he says to himself,"this is just temporary.
痛苦是短暂的 等我进入了全国最优秀的 It's only pain now,because later there will be gain-
大学就会有回报的" 然后他付诸行动 once I get into my top college." And he applies.
在4月2号 一封信来了 And on April 2,there is an envelope that arrives.
信的信封很大 他打开信知道自己成功了 And the envelope is large.And he opens it up and he gets in.
他又感到非常地兴奋 And he is ecstatic,
甚至比进入高中时还高兴 happier even that he was when he got into his dream high school.
然后他说 "现在 我终于能放手 And he says,"now,finally,I can let go.
好好地放松一下了 Now finally,I can relax.
因为我已经进了这间大学 Because I've already made...I mean this top college.
我的人生从此稳定下来了" And I'm set for life."
接下来他十分享受高中的最后一年 And he really enjoys the rest of senior year
还有假期以及进入大学的第一周 and the holiday and then the freshman week comes.
他很兴奋 这位X先生 And he is ecstatic- Mr X.
但是在第一周过去后 压力又出现了 But then after that week,the pressure mounts again.
因为很快就会到期中考试 Because very soon there are midterms.
而很快又会出现激烈的竞争 And very soon there is competition.
并且每个人都和他一样努力 And everyone is working as hard as he did.
因此他也必须非常地努力 And he has to work really hard
因为他想得到他的梦想中的工作 because he wants to get his dream job.
他在大一暑假的时候得到了理想的实习机会 And then he gets his ideal internship during freshman summer
但是压力又继续出现了 and the pressure continues.
他感受过轻松 也感受过愉快的时光 There are reliefs; there are fun periods.
但是这些都是在考试结束以后 And these are periods when the exams are just over
或者假期即将到来之前 or when break is coming up.
或者是在假期期间 Or during break.
但是每次都一样 压力又出现了 But then again,the pressure mounts.
他自己也不明白为什么他不开心 He doesn't really understand why he's not happy
因为这一切都是他想要的 because I mean this was where he really wanted to be,
他非常想要这些 多于别的一切 he really really wanted to be- more than any other place.
他说"好的 只要我得到这份工作就好了" 为什么 But he says "OK,once I get that job then I'll be set." Why?
因为那份工作能让我进入最好的商学院 Because that job will really get me into the top business school.
这能让我在一千六百个 It will really differentiate me from all the other 1600 students
一同毕业的人中脱颖而出 who will graduate with me.
所以他继续努力 继续充实他的简历 So he works hard,still builds his resume.
他是三个学生组织的成员 担任两个的部长 He's a member of 3 students organizations,president of two.
是两个大学运动预备队员 一个正式队员 JV in two sports and varsity in one,plus taking five,
还要加上每学期五门甚至六门课 and sometimes six courses in a semester.
为什么 因为这很困难 竞争很激烈 Why? Because it's tough.It's competitive.
这就是适者生存 不付出就没有收获 And it's the survival of the fittest.And no pain,no gain.
大学最后一年到来了 他又有压力了 Senior year finally comes and there's pressure.
但是他得到了那份工作 他很高兴 But then he gets his job.He's happy.
这就是他想要的 This is exactly what he wanted.
这就是他所预想的 This is exactly what he envisioned.
现在他很高兴 And now he's happy.
然后8月3号到了 And then comes August 3,
是他正式开始工作的第一天 which is the date when he starts his actual work.
他上班去 And he goes to his work
他周围的所有人都是最高等学府的 and everyone around him is graduated
毕业生 都是最优秀学校的学生 from top universities,top places.
他觉得已经功成名就 却只高兴了两周 He feels on top of the world.And he's happy for 2 weeks.
因为在两周以后 Because after 2 weeks,
他又感受到了非常大的压力 he realizes there is a lot of pressure here,
比大学里面的压力还要大 actually much more than it was in college.
他没有时间再像大学里面一样在饭堂里 And he can't have time for those long leisurely dinners
悠闲地吃晚饭 in the dinning hall.
他每周工作八十到九十小时 一点也不享受 He's working 80 t0 90 hours a week and not really enjoying it.
但是他会做到的 他会做得很好的 But he'll make it.He'll get there.
他会得到一封很好的进商学院的推荐信 He'll do well,get a good recommendation for business school,
在从商学院毕业以后 and then after business school,
找到一个真正的理想工作并享受生活 get his real dream job and then he can enjoy himself.
然后他真的进了最高的商业学院 And he gets into his top business school choice
也找到了他最好的工作 and then he gets his top job.
工作上 作为一个员工 他很高兴 And in his job,as an associate,he's really happy.
事实上他甚至不敢相信自己的好运 In fact he can't believe his good fortune.
他赚钱赚得很多 He's making a lot of money.
那三年前看起来难以忍受的助学贷款 Those student debt looked so serious
现在一下子就还清了 and over-bearing only 3 years ago and now are paid in an instant.
他感觉很棒 He feels good.
他有了一间很不错的公寓 He has a nice apartment
他成了员工 他很兴奋 and he becomes an associate and he's ecstatic.
他很高兴 "我终于做到了" He's happy,"I finally made it!"
但是过了几个月 压力又回来了 But a month goes by and the knot returns.
因为他只是一个员工 Because he's only an associate.
他非常非常想成为合伙人 He now really,really wants to make partner.
但当他成为合伙人以后 But once he's partner,
当他获得了"终身任期"以后 once he got the so called "tenure" of the business world,
他的生活就可以安顿下来了 then he'll be all set.
他继续努力工作 奋力拼搏 And he works hard.He struggles.
他不怎么喜欢他的工作 He doesn't really enjoy his work.
只要再努力多一点 再忍受多一点痛苦 But he says,"just another push.A little bit more pain.
然后就会有真正的回报了 And then the real gain."
在艰苦努力了五年以后 他又做到了 And after 5 years of pushing hard,he makes it.
他成为了合伙人 事实上 And he becomes a partner- in fact,
也是那个公司历史上最年轻的合伙人 one of the youngest partners in the history of the organization.
他很兴奋 And he's ecstatic.
他休了一个长假 然后回来工作 He takes a long break and comes back after the break,
斗志满满 all motivated.
因为他现在是所有者 Because now he's owner,
是这个著名的公司的所有者之一 part-owner of this great prestigious organization.
现在他也已经成家了 And by now he has a family now already.And
他买下了市郊的一座大房子 非常贵 he buys a huge house in one of the suburbs of the city,expensive
但是他轻易买下了 他也买了一辆豪华车 But he bought it easily.And he buys a luxury car.
他还有了一个司机 他感觉真的功成名就了 In fact he has a driver by now.And he feels on top of the world.
他感觉良好地过了三个月 压力又来了 He feels great for 3 months.And then the pressure returns.
因为他只是一个初级合伙人 Because he's only a junior partner.
他能成为高级合伙人吗 这可能吗 Can he make the senior partnership? Is it possible?
好吧 只有努力工作才可能 Well,only if he works hard
因为没多少人能爬到金字塔那么高的位置 because a few people make it that high up in the pyramid.
越来越难了 但是他会成功的 It's getting tougher.But he'll make it.
他挣扎着 忍受着 一点意思也没有 So he struggles and he suffers,and it's not fun.
但是他成功了 没有付出 就没有回报 But he makes it.No pain,no gain.
这一次 他在Hamptons区买了一栋房子 And by this time,he's just bought another house in the Hamptons-
用来度假和休息 just for the holidays,for the breaks.
还有一辆新车 更大 也更快 And there's another car- a bigger one,a faster one.
然后他说 我终于 终于 能够放松了 And now he says,"I can finally,finally relax."
然后他开始放松自己 过了两个半月 And he does relax.For 2 and a half months.
压力又回来了 因为他只是个高级合伙人 And then the pressure returns.Because he's a senior partner.
但是常务董事只有一个 But there is only one managing director.Only one.
想得到那个位置是非常困难的 And to get that would be really tough.
但是他决心要当上常务董事 But he's determined to do it.
他一直是明星级人物 没理由止步不前 He's been a star; there's no reason to just stop now.
这对他来说没什么乐趣可言 It's not fun for him.
他没有花多少时间和他爱的人一起 He doesn't spend that much time with people he loves,
而因为他心中的焦虑 他必须证明自己 because he's constantly stressed; he has to prove himself.
足足花了七年时间 And for 7 long years,
在这七年内 他在物质上已经很富足了 while there is material affluence for those 7 years,
只是愈发地缺乏时间 there is time poverty,time famine.
他不断地奋斗 最后终于成功了 But he continues to struggle and he makes it.
董事会发表了任命声明 The board makes an announcement.
他登上了华尔街日报的头版新闻 He's on the Wall Street Journal,front page news:
X先生成为了这件传奇公司的常务董事 Mr X is the new managing director of this incredible organization
他的朋友们祝贺他 And his friends congratulate him.
他感觉万分自豪 他很快乐 He feels on top of the world.And he's happy.
但是随后焦虑回来了 But then the stress returns.
有一天他走进办公室里 But then one day,one day he walks into his office,
坐在椅子上 脚搭在桌子上 sits on his chair,puts his legs up on the table.
他已经成了老板 成了掌门人 He's after all the Boss,the Man.
他回头就可以看见中央公园 He looks back and sees central park.
那景色实在太美了 Just beautiful there.
他真的是 而不是修辞地说 He really is,not just metaphorically speaking-
他真的是站在了世界之巅 he really is on top of the world.
然后有人敲门了 And then there is a knock on the door.
他被敲门声吓了一跳 He's surprised by the knock,
因为一般来人了他的秘书会向他通报 because usually his secretary announces people-
访客不会就这么过来敲门 they don't just knock on his door.
毕竟他是站在世界之巅的人 He's after all,on top of the world.
于是他走过去开了门 So he walks down and opens the door.
来人是董事会主席 And it's the chairman of the board.
他们俩互相打了个招呼 And she says hi to him.He says hi back.
然后董事会主席说 "今年的盈利记录 And she says,"you know,record earnings this year.
非常之棒 不可思议 您做得太好了 Well done! Fantastic! You have done amazing,amazing work.
我们都为您而骄傲 感谢您的存在 We are all so proud of you.So glad you are in your position.
但是 您应该退休了 您已经72岁了" However,it's time to retire.You are 72 years old."
这就是逐利者的生活 最佳情况下 This is the life of the rat racer- at best.
当然这只是大概的描述 And again,this is a caricature.
我只是着重描述了几个特殊的阶段 I've highlighted just certain points.
这也不是要么全部要么没有 It's not as all or nothing.
但是 总的来说 这就是逐利者的生活 However,in essence,this is the life of the rat racer-
只关注从A点到达B点 about getting from point A to point B
然后轻松半个到一个月 and then feeling relief for two weeks or a month.
然后...B点又变成了新的A点 And then getting...point B becomes point A.
然后 就像一直不断向上爬的老鼠 And again,like the rat running around on and on and on and on.
你们必须现在就问自己 不现在问那还要等多久 And you need to ask yourselves now- because not now then when?
你们必须现在就问自己 You need to ask yourselves now,
"我到底想要什么样的生活" "what kind of life do I want for myself?"
我给的是一个生意场上的例子 I gave an example of business.
其实对于其他领域也一样 It applies as much to any other domain-
不管你是想成为一个医生 whether you are,want to become a medical doctor
是因为能否上到最好的学校而有压力 and going on and feeling pressure to get into the best schools,
是想要最好的公寓 最好的实习机会 the best department,the best internship,
最想要好的 最高的职位等等 the best,the highest position and on and on;
或者你是打算为非盈利机构工作 or whether you are working for a non profit organization;
无论你是留在学术界 还是成为律师 or whether you are in academia; or a lawyer.
都一样 都是在不同领域重复X先生的故事 It doesn't matter- just filling the blank of Mr X in which area.
这样的情况适用于任何地方 It applies to any place.
问题就是 "我们想要什么样的生活" And the question is,"what kind of life do I want for myself?"
要记住其中最重要的 And remember the most important thing,
一个追求卓越的人 a person committed to excellence
不会放弃自己的雄心 does not give up on being ambitious.
但是 一个追求卓越的人 However,a person committed to excellence
也不会放弃整个旅途 does not also give up on the journey.
我们很快也会讲到 And as we'll talk about soon,
追求卓越的人 a person who is committed to excellence,
不仅仅不会放弃整个旅途 not only does he or she not give up on the journey
或者结果 or rather on the outcome,
他们常常会获得更高的成就 they actually reach higher levels of performance.
我们很快就会讲到 But we'll get to that soon.
追求卓越的人 A person committed to excellence
并不只关注短时间的放松 is not just about temporary relief,
还关注长久的满足 but about lasting satisfaction.
是的 生活中会有起起伏伏 Yes,she has the ups and downs like we all do.
但是 也能够享受旅途中的每一天 However,also able to enjoy the journey day to day-
在大学里的经历 the experience being the college,
和朋友们美美地吃了一餐的经历 the experience of having a lovely meal with my friends,
阅读名家的作品的经历 the experience of reading and being exposed to great writers,
上有趣的课 参加有趣的课外活动的经历 to interesting classes,to nice extra curricular activities,
并且重视这样的经历 而不是忽略它们 and appreciating it,not taking it for granted,
不是把这些看做普通的 not seeing it as just incidental-
为了成功的最终目的 just something that I need to get through
我必须经历的事情 in order to get to where I really want to get to.
你或许会非常渴望成功 Well,you may want to get...really want to get there,
但是你所在的却是此时 此地 but where you really are is here and now.
不是别处 No other place.
你们也知道 我从来没有 或许你们有 You know,I haven't met,maybe you have,
我从来没有遇见过完美的人 but I haven't met the perfect person.
我认为这样的人是不存在的 I don't think that person exists.
换句话说 如果根本就不存在完美的人 In other words,if there isn't a person,a perfect person,
那么对每个人来说 失败都是不可避免的 for every person,there's inevitable failure.
为失败所困惑的完美主义者 And a perfectionist who is obsessed with failure
只是专注于失败 而追求卓越的人 just focuses on that,whereas the person committed to excellence,
则会发现路途上每一步都有成功的机会 there is possibility of success every step of the way,
甚至在失败中也有这样的机会 even in failure.
完美主义者常常将时间浪费在 A perfectionist very often wastes time-
必须读清楚每个字 has to read every word,every...
"我要做到最好 拿满分" You know,"i have to be dotted,every t crossed."
要么全部要么没有 It's all or nothing.
要么我交上去一份完美的论文 Either I hand in a perfect paper,
要么我就干脆不交论文 or I don't hand in a paper at all.
要么我就拿到A 要么我就一无是处 Either it's a straight A,or I'm a failure.
要么全部要么没有 有时候这是合适的 All or nothing.And sometimes,it's appropriate.
有时候追求卓越的人也会持有这种态度 And that's what a person committed to excellence does-
比如 understands when,for example,
如果你是一个医生 你想做一场完美的手术 if you are a surgeon,you want to have the perfect operation.
你可不会说 "好吧 没关系啊 You don't want to say,"well,it's OK.
我切对了八成应该切的东西" I'm 80 percent right about where exactly to cut."
没错 在有些场合你会需要完美主义 Yeah,there are places where you want the perfectionism.
但是在我们生活中的其他方面 都不必要 But in many other areas in our lives,it's not necessary.
甚至会伤害我们 完美主义者往往倾向混乱 And it hurts us.A perfectionist is very often prone to disorders.
我是指多方面的混乱 And I mean disorders of numerous times including,
比如进食问题 for example,eating disorder.
我来给你们提供一个个人的例子吧 So let me give you a personal example.
在我还在打职业壁球的时候 So when I was playing squash,when I was playing full time,
我必须控制我的食谱 要吃得健康吃得好 I had to really take care of my diet- eat healthfully,eat well.
但还是产生了问题 But there was a problem.
我的生活中有一项重大挑战 There was a real challenge in my life.
这挑战就是我的母亲个完美的大厨 And that challenge was my mother who is the perfect cook.
她做的的蛋糕尤其诱人 And her cakes are outstanding.
于是就有了这样的我在长大的时候 So here is the common scenario that
常常遇到的状况 痛苦的童年 I encountered growing up- tough childhood:
我在壁球训练过后回家 I would come home after the squash practice,
饿得要命地打开冰箱 open the fridge,starving.
然后那里面有一大块蛋糕 And there was a large piece of cake.
不是一整个 但差不多四分之一个 Not a whole cake,but you know a quarter cake,
非常大的一块 实在是非常诱人 very large,so inviting.So alluring.
我根据以往的经验知道 这很好吃 And I know from past experiences it's so delicious.
我看着这块蛋糕 然后关上了冰箱门 I look at it.And then I close the fridge.
因为我不能吃 Because I can't have it.
当时我正在在为一个重要的巡回赛训练 I'm in middle of training for an important tournament.
但是在三分钟以后 But three minutes later,
我回到冰箱那看蛋糕还在不在 I go to the fridge again,just to make sure it's still there.
为什么 你们中认识我兄弟的都明白 Why? Those of you who know my brother understand why.
我兄弟块头比我大多了 My brother is much bigger than I am.
他对我母亲的厨艺的喜爱一点不在我之下 And he likes my mom's cooking no less than I do.
所以我去确定蛋糕还在那 So I was just making sure that it was still there.
确实还在 And it was.
再过了十分钟 我必须再去检查一遍 And then 10 minutes later,I had to go back because my brother
因为我兄弟在我视线内消失了几分钟 had just disappeared from my eyes a few minutes.
我以为他到冰箱那去了 I thought he went to the fridge.
所以我又打开了冰箱一次 蛋糕还在 So I opened the fridge again and it was still there.
然后我感到一阵轻松 So I was relieved.
大约五分钟以后我又回到冰箱那里 And about 5 minutes later I had to go back to the fridge.
我打开冰箱门 两分钟以后蛋糕就不见了 I opened the door and two minutes later,there was no cake.
要么全部要么没有 要么我不碰要么我吃完 All or nothing.Either I don't touch it,or I devour it.
这就是完美主义者持有的基模 This is the schema that a perfectionist has.
不会说"好吧 我就吃一块" 要么不吃要么吃完 It's not "OK,let me have a slice of it." It's nothing or all.
所以这就是完美主义者的基模 And this is the schema that perfectionists have:
我要么成为超级模特 要么超重 either I'm a supermodel or I'm overweight.
要么全部要么没有 这是很有破坏力的 All or nothing.And it's destructive.
这会对我们产生各个层次的严重伤害 It hurts so much on so many levels.
相对于健康的方式而言 As opposed to the healthy approach.
好的 我就吃一小块 OK,so I'll have a slice.So I'll have a little bit.
好的 我重了几磅 这算大事吗 我是人 OK,so I gained a couple of pounds- big deal?! I'm human.
我不是机器 也不是芭比娃娃 更不是Ken I'm not a machine.I'm not a Barbie.Or Ken.(Laugh)
我说错话了 I caught myself there.
这很伤自尊 为什么 因为 Hurts self-esteem.Why? Because...
Nathaniel Branden写过很多关于自尊的文字 Nathaniel Branden who writes about self-esteem-
我们在未来三周内将会更多地讲到他 we'll talk a lot about him in that lecture 3 weeks from now.
自尊的第一个基础就是自我接受 The first pillar of self-esteem is self-acceptance.
要记得完美主义者是不接受自我的 And remember a perfectionist does not accept him/herself.
第二个伤害自尊的原因是 Second,the reason why it hurts self-esteem- remember,
完美主义者总会遇到长期且不可避免的失败 there is constant,inevitable failure for a perfectionist
因为根本就没有完美的人 because there is no perfect person.And
而如果我一直失败或者视自己为失败者 if I constantly fail or constantly perceive myself as a failure,
那我还会有较高的自尊心吗 当然不会 am I going to have high self-esteem? Of course not.
另一个完美主义者容易自尊心受伤的原因 It also hurts self-esteem because a perfectionist
是他们更不愿意去尝试 is less likely to try,less like to put him/herself on the line.
而如果我不愿意尝试的话 其后果就是 And the price that I pay for that
更加低的自尊心 when I don't try is lower level of self-esteem.
还记得自我知觉理论吗 Remember self-perception theory.
相对的是持续的自我提升 Versus on-going,continuous improvement.
不是一条直线直上的 而是旋转向上的 Not a straight line,but a spiral that goes up and up.
完美主义伤害人际关系 Perfectionism harms relationships.
回想过去 我从这个角度来说 Again,I just look back and I,you know from this perspective,
我很难捉摸 我基于完美主义 it's hard for me to fathom the kind of mistakes
在人际关系中所犯的错误的类型 that I have made in relationships based on perfectionism.
为什么 第一 自卫性 Why? First of all,defensiveness.
如果我一直是处于自卫性的位置 It is very difficult to form intimacy with some one
如果我不能接受或者处理批评 when I'm constantly on the defensive,when I can't accept
那我就很难和别人形成亲密的关系 or do something at the very least with criticisms.
这样的情况下怎么可能建立亲密关系呢 What kind of intimacy is possible there?
另一个完美主义伤害人际关系的原因是 The other reason why it harms relationships
我们经常 is that very often,we mirror...
我们对世界的看法和对自己的看法一样 Our approach to the world mirrors our approach toward ourselves.
如果我是完美主义者那我期望的就是完美 So if I'm a perfectionist and expect perfectionism-
对我来说是一条直线 对他人亦是如此 a straight line for myself,I would expect the same from others,
不论是对于我的伴侣 whether it's from my partner,
还是对我的孩子和朋友 whether it's later on my children or friends.
现在我们... And now as we...
我以前也说过了 没有完美的人 I think- I establish before- there is no perfect person.
我们第一次见面的时候可能感觉是完美的 Now it may seem perfect when we first meet.
在度蜜月的时候 也是完美的 And during the honeymoon phase,it is perfect.
他或她是完美的 He or she is perfect.
但是突然 我们开始发现对方的缺点了 But beyond that,suddenly,we begin to identify flaws.Hey,
那不是我一开始以为可以在一起的那人 that's not the person I thought I got together with initially.
当然 如果我期待的是芭比娃娃或Ken的话 Yes,of course it's not,if what I expect is Barbie or Ken.
完美的 但是对方可是人 Straight line.But it's a human being.
如果我从对方身上期待的是完美 And if I expect perfectionism from the other,
我肯定会失望的 I will inevitably be disappointed.
这也会引起沮丧 And that leads to frustration,
对自己的伴侣不认可 lacks of acceptance toward the partner,
也常常会伤害到人与人之间的关系 and very often,usually harms the relationship.
相对于持续成长的关系来说 Versus on-going growth of the relationship,
这是我们会在谈论人际关系的时候谈论到的 as we'll talk about when we talk about relationships.
理想的人际关系 The ideal relationship
不是一个没有失败 is not a relationship that is devoid of failure,
没有不和的关系 that is devoid of disagreements.
理想的人际关系在包含众多积极因素同时 The ideal relationship is one where there's mostly good stuff,
也会包含不和 失望和争吵 but there's also disagreements,disappointments,fights.
那才是健康的人际关系 That's actually healthy.
这让人际关系随时间变得更加稳固 It helps the relationship become stronger over time.
关键是其中的度 The issue is of degree.
你在人际关系中包含的 How much positive versus negative
积极因素与消极因素各是多少 do you have in the relationship?
这里的关键不是只有积极而没有消极的因素 The issue is not having only positives and no negatives.
这样的关系是不健康的 That's not a healthy relationship.
这样的关系 That's a relationship
有过多的抑制与压抑 with a lot of suppression and repression at best.
完美主义会导致焦虑和压力 Perfectionism leads to anxiety,leads to stress.
总会有对于失败的恐惧 There is always a fear of failure.
而不是兴奋 Versus excitement.
这就是Peter Senge所说的"创造性张力" What Peter Senge called "creative tension".
但是表现如何 But what about performance?
那句已经镌刻在我们心中的 What about the "no pain,no gain" mantra
"没有付出就没有收获"的真言呢 that's drilled into our mind constantly?
我是说我们很清楚地都知道 I mean we know self-evident that
我们必须要努力才能成功 we need to work hard in order to succeed.
那难道我不应成为完美主义者吗 So shouldn't I be a perfectionist?
而人们不愿放弃这种方式的一个原因是 And one of the main reasons why people don't give up the schema
他们认为这是最快的方法 is because they think this is the fastest way,
是最为有效的通往成功的方法 most efficient way to success.
但是最后事情往往都不是那样的 But it turns out that it's not the case,
长久来看 追求卓越的人往往 that actually the person committed to excellence
会取得更好的成就 is more successful in the long run.
在这方面有很多研究进行了阐释 And there is a lot of research that illustrates this.
我来举出一些成果 一些原因 Let me share some of it.Some of the reasons.
现在说说少一点付出 多一点收获 Now,less pain,more gain.
首先 以终极货币的形式 First of all,in the ultimate currency,
用幸福来进行衡量 the most important currency of happiness.
追求卓越的人 People committed to excellence
远比完美主义者要快乐 as opposed to perfectionists are happier.
这很好 也很棒 So that's wonderful and that's great.
但也不仅仅是在终极货币价值方面 But it's not just in the ultimate currency,
在硬通货等物质方面也是同样的 it's also in the hard currency,
不管是工作上的成功 还是体育上的成功 whether it's success at work,whether it's success for athletes,
还是处理人际关系上的成功 whether it's success in relationships.
为什么 其中有很多原因 Various reasons.
首先 追求卓越的人 First of all,person committed to excellence
享受更加可持续的成长 enjoys much more sustainable approach to growth.
记住了 Remember,
这个我从环保方面引用的词 可持续增长 the analogy that I use from environmentalism- sustainable growth.
不是要创造一个贫瘠的环境 It's not about having a sterile environment.
不是关于回到以狩猎与采集为 It's not about going back to the days of
主要生活方式的时代去的 when we lived as hunters and gathers in caves.
是关于以现代生活方式生活 It is living in accordance of modern life.
是关于享受进步与现代性 与此同时 It is enjoying modernity and progress,but at the same time,
不从环境中索取过多 not taking too much out of the environment
让发展得以持续下去 so that it can sustain itself.
放到个人层面上也是一样的 The same on the individual level.
完美主义者不会享受持续性的成长 A perfectionist does not enjoy sustainable approach to growth.
因为他们不允许休整和偏离 Because there are no places for recovery,no places for deviation
所有东西都是不变的 如同一台机器 Everything is static like a machine.
至于追求卓越的人 As opposed to a person committed to excellence:
有所偏离 有所中断 也有休整 there are deviations,there are breaks,there are recoveries.
相比起来更加可持续 如果我受伤了 Much more sustainable.Versus all or nothing.I got injured.
我的壁球生涯就结束了 因为要么全部要么没有 My squash career ended because it was all or nothing.
要么我就完全不训练 Either I don't train at all
要么我就像世界冠军Jansher Khan那样训练 or I train like Jansher Khan,the world champion.
同时追求卓越的人所拥有的 Also intrinsic motivation
固有动力也比完美主义者高很多 is much higher for people committed to excellence.
当我们有固有动力的时候 And when we have intrinsic motivation,
我们就能更好地在一段时间内持续地 we are much more likely to sustain effort
付出努力 over a long period of time,
如果所有的动力都是固有不会减退的 and if all the motivation is intrinsic.
那就能上升到另一个层次 Comes to getting to that next stage.
获得嘉奖 或者能得到升迁 Getting those accolades.Getting that raise and so on.
丘吉尔说完美主义让人瘫痪 Winston Churchill said that perfectionism spells paralysis.
当我们被失败所困扰的时候 When we are so obsessed with failure,
我们就更不会付诸行动 we are much less likely to act.
完美主义是事情耽搁的最主要原因之一 One of the primary causes of procrastination is perfectionism-
对失败的失能性畏惧 the incapacitating fear of failure.
因为只要我们不行动 我们就不会失败 Cause if we don't act,we don't fail.
就如同我之前说的 追求卓越的人的自尊 Self-esteem as I mentioned earlier
相比起来更高 is much higher for a person committed to excellence.
而且如Nathaniel Branden所说 自我知觉 And as Nathaniel Branden said,self concept is destiny;
是终点 而信念变成自我实现预言 beliefs become self-fulfilling prophecies.
如果我相信我自己 如果我认为我能成功 If I believe in myself,if I think I can succeed,
如果我的过去有跌倒之后 if I have the track record to show that
又爬起来的经历 I get up after falling down,
那我就更可能成功 I'm much more likely to succeed over time.
我以前讲过这个吗 好的 Did I mention this before? Oh.OK.Good.
因为这很重要 要成功没有别的方式 Because it is important.There is no other way to succeed.
你们读到了"运气的因素" You are at "the Luck Factor",
英国的Wiseman教授极为优秀的作品 the fantastic work by Wiseman,UK professor.
他所说的是 比别人有更多运气的原因 And what he talks about,one of the causes of having more luck
似乎是一件很神秘的事情 in our lives seems like a mystical thing,
但其实也是可以用科学方法解释的 but actually can be shown scientifically.
其中一个有更好运气的方法 One of the ways of having more luck
便是尝试新事情 小事情 in our lives is to try new things,little things,
即使是你课后去食堂的路上 even when you walk back to your dining hall after class.
找一条和你每天所走的那条路 Take a slightly different path,as opposed to the path
有些许不同的路线 that has already been taken by you every single day.
而她说 这些小事就可以改变我们的生活 And he says these little changes in our lives,
这些小小的对于直线方式的偏离实际上 these slight deviations from a straight narrow actually
能带来更多的幸运 lead to higher levels of luck,
因为我们开始看见以前没见过的东西 because we begin to see things that we haven't seen before.
完美主义者 只有一条路 Perfectionist- one way;
没有偏离 没有进步 没有自发性 no deviations,no improvisation,no spontaneity.
这些时常都让我们变得不那么"幸运" This very often prevents us from being "luckier".
说到创造力 Simonton说 那些历史上 Creativity- Simonton: the most successful,
最成功 最有创造力的科学家和艺术家 the most creative scientist and artist throughout the history
都是那些失败得最多的 are ones that fail the most.
他们都不是完美主义者 They were not perfectionists.
他们都追求卓越 非常有雄心 They were committed to excellence- extremely ambitious,
都明白要成功没有别的方法 understanding that there's no other way to succeed.
John Updike 一位非常有创造力的作家 John Updike,highly creative author,
说过"完美主义是创造力的敌人" says "perfectionism is the enemy of creativity."
我们会谈到另一个作家 And we'll talk about another author
他对于我们如何克服这种完美主义 who has very good advice for us of
有非常好的建议 他叫Samuel Coleridge how to overcome this perfectionism,Samuel Coleridge.
80/20规则 The 80/20 rule.
这条规则 了解这条规则并将其应用在 This rule- understanding this rule
时间管理上改变了我在哈佛的学习经历 as it applies to time management changed my Harvard experience.
那帕累托法则是什么呢 So what is the Pareto principle?
帕累托是100年前的意大利经济学家 Pareto was an Italian economist about 100 years ago.
他得出了这样的法则 And he came up with this principle
并将其命名为帕累托法则 which he named the Pareto principle.
这法则表示 在大多数社会中 And the principle says that in most societies,
百分之二十的人拥有百分之八十的财富 20 percent of the people own about 80 percent of the wealth.
他们也将这条法则应用于商业组织 They applied this principle to organizations as well,
那就是你百分之二十的客户 where 20 percent of your clients
给你带来了百分之八十的收入 generate 80 percent of your income.
这也被用于经济学的许多领域 And this has been applied to many areas in economics.
而到最近 被用于时间管理方面 And more recently,to time management.
比如说 在我们百分之二十的时间里 For example,in 20 percent of our time,
我们可以完成百分之八十的工作 we can get 80 percent of our work done.
而当我明白这一点的时候 And when I understood this,
它改变了我对学术的态度 it changed my approach toward my academics.
为什么 因为我意识到 Why? Because I realized that
我不必将那些材料完全读完 well I didn't need to read 100 percent of the material.
再说一遍 这点别学我 Again,don't quote me on this.
我交论文前不必确认每一个t都写好了 I didn't need to make sure that every t's crossed
也不必确认每一个i上面都点了点 and every i's dotted when I handed in the paper.
我开始遵循更多的愉悦原则 或者说 And I started to follow much more the pleasure principle
快乐原则 于是我说 or the happiness principle and I said,
"好的 这才是我感兴趣的东西" "OK,this is something that I really cared about."
比如说 我不知道这门课还有没有 For example,I don't know if this class is still offered now.
文学与艺术学院课程 C14 "英雄" Lit and Arts C14 "Heroes".
还能报名吗 这是我本科时候最喜欢的课程 Still offered now? One of my favorite classes,as an undergrad.
而且这课程还不算太难 And it's not a very difficult class.
我完全可以不怎么努力也得好成绩 I could do very well without putting too much in it.
但是我在这科的期末论文上花了50个小时 But I spent a 50 hours on final paper.
因为我写的主题是我非常关心的 Because I wrote about a topic that I really really cared about.
但是我没有得A 对我来说毫无道理 And I didn't get an A for it,which didn't make any sense to me.
但我仍然在上面下了大工夫 But I still put in so much work in it.
因为这实在是太有意思了 至于其它课程 Because it was fun,whereas other classes that I enjoyed less,
我只投入了能让我得到足够成绩的时间 I put in what I needed in order to get what I thought was enough.
不是要么全部要么没有 Not all or nothing.
不会说要么我就得A 要么我就不学习 Either I study and get a straight A,or I don't study at all.
另一门课 Another class-
我不知道这门课还有没有 还是文学与艺术 I don't know if it's still taught- Lit and Arts again,
Maria Tatar教的"神话故事" 她现在上别的课了 "Fairy Tales"? With Maria Tatar? She teaches another class now.
我本科时看见她第一眼就爱上了她 I had a crush on her when I was an undergrad.
我真不敢相信我就这么说出来了 I can't believe that I just said it loud.(Laugh)
那么 她拒绝了 其实我没有问她 So yeah,she said no.Um no I didn't ask her.I didn't.
也是在那门课上 不算太难的课 So also in that class- not a very difficult class.
在许多层次上来说非常享受的课 A very enjoyable class on many levels.
又一次 我花了许多时间在这篇 And again,putting a lot of work into a paper that
最终成为一篇以自尊为主题的 there by the way ultimately began the to...
专题论文之上 became the topic of my dissertation on self-esteem.
所以再一次问自己到底什么才是重要的 So again,asking what is most important for me?
除了要么没有要么全部外 我还在乎什么 What do I really care about as opposed to saying all or nothing.
我的成绩确实下降了一点点 Now my grades did go down slightly as a result.
但是只是很少一点点 But really very little.
因为我在应用这条20/80法则 Because I was employing that 20/80 rule.
将百分之二十的注意力放到重要的东西上 20 percent of focus on what's important
然后把百分之八十的工作做好 and got the 80 percent of the work done.
而我在学术的其它领域 And I became so much more successful
却获得了更多的成功 in other areas of my academic career,
因为我有了更多的时间来打壁球 because I had more time to play squash
来享受壁球练习 and enjoy my squash practice.
我有了更多时间来和别人交流 I had more time for socializing,
有时间去坐在法学院里吃一次五点开始的 for sitting in Law House and having a two and a half hour dinner,
持续两个半小时的晚餐 starting at 5 pm.
就是在这样的基础上实现的 Just based on that.
另一个对于80/20的应用 Another application of the 80/20 rule:
我们每人在一天中都有不同的 all of us have different time during the day
最有工作效率的时间 when we are most productive.
实际上 在一天中百分之二十的时间内 In fact,in 20 percent of the day,we get 80 percent,
我们完成了百分之八十的工作 potentially,80 percent of our work done,
这取决于我们是早起的鸟还是夜猫子 depending whether we are morning people or night people.
有的人早上6点或7点就起来了 There are people who get up in the morning at you know 6,7 am
然后他们立刻就可以工作了 and they are ready to go.
我也是这样的 我很早起床 对我很简单 That's me.I get up early.Very easy for me.
我可以直接开电脑工作或去给孩子换尿布 I just go straight to my computer or to change a diaper.
很早的早上 直接去工作 没问题 Very early in the morning.First thing.No problem.
但是到了晚上9点10点 就完全不行了 At night,by 9,10 pm,complete zombie.
有人却是截然相反的 And there are people who are the opposite-
他们可以熬夜到凌晨2点 3点 4点 can stay up till 2,3,4 am in the morning,
那才是他们最有干劲的时候 and that's when they are the freshest.
这和我们内在的生物节奏有关 By the way,it has to do with our internal biorhythm,
和我们的生理节奏有关 internal circadian rhythms.
因为有人 Because there are some people for whom-
基本上没有人的周期是正好24小时的 no one is exactly or very few people are exactly 24 hours rhythms
大多数人都是23到25小时之间 We are usually either somewhere between 23 and 25.
对于周期是23小时的人来说 So for people whose circadian rhythm is 23 hours,
他们到了晚上就会非常疲劳 they get very tired at night.
但是他们早上却会精神抖擞地起来 But then they wake up very fresh in the morning.
那些周期是25小时的人 Or people who are closer to 25
早上需要多睡一会 need that extra sleep in the morning.
就是因为那些人我才将这课调到11点半 And it's for those people that I have this class at 11:30.
我知道是很早但是感谢你们的到来 I know it's early but thank you for making the effort.
我上大学的时候 大多数人都学到很晚 When I got to college,most students were studying late at night.
我的室友就学到很晚 从晚上10点开始 My roommates were studying late at night,starting at about 10
然后学到12点甚至凌晨2点 and going to you know midnight or 2 am in the morning.
这才是他们最有效率的时候 可我不是 And that's when they are most productive.I wasn't.
我宁愿早上早点起来 And I would get up in the morning
我在晚上会很累 根本无法集中精神 and I was tired,exhausted,couldn't really focus at night.
我听说了这样的效率时段后 我改变了作息 And when I heard about this productive hour,I changed my day.
我早早睡觉 And I went to sleep early.
在我的室友开始学习的时候 我上床睡觉 So when my roommates started to study,I actually went to bed,
然后在我的室友还在睡的时候起床 and got up really early when my roommates were still asleep
然后在早上早早地把工作完成 and got my work done early in the morning,
做完以后去上11点的课 and then went to my 11 am class after I got my work done.
在早上的那3个小时内 And in 3 hours in the morning,
我完成了更多东西 更有效率更有创造性 I got much more done- more productive,more creative,
比我在晚上熬夜有效率得多了 much better retention than I did late at the night.
我刚才说到的那两样东西 These two things as I mentioned earlier
真的改变了我在这里的经历 really changed my experience here-
在更短的时间内学到更多 getting so much more in far less time.
不是完美主义的方式 是追求卓越的方式 Not the perfectionist approach,the pursuing excellence approach.
大家都了解过"流动"了 You read about "flow"-
Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi谈论过流动 Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi who talks about flow
是我们最良好的感受 最出色的表现 is being peak experience we enjoy the most and peak performance-
也就是"没有付出就没有收获" we perform at our best,defying the "no pain,no gain" formula.
我们什么时候感受到流动 And when do we experience flow?
我们焦虑的时候感受不到 Not when we experience the high levels of anxiety
就如完美主义者那样 我们无聊时感受不到 as the perfectionist often does,not when we are bored,
只有我们乐观愉快 兴奋的时候感受得到 but when it's the optimum levels of arousal,when we are excited.
追求卓越的人 The person committed to excellence
更容易感觉到流动 is much more likely to experience the flow
而那些一直畏惧失败的人 than the person who is constantly afraid of failure,
一直为失败所困扰的人 constantly obsessed with failure,
一直在设想如果我失败了怎么办的人 constantly thinking about what if I fail.
我来谈谈完美主义的根源吧 Let me talk a little bit about the sources of the perfectionism.
因为一旦我们明白 就如我上次说的 Because if we understand that,as I mentioned last time,
一旦我们明白它是怎么来的 if we understand where it comes from,
我们就更能克服它 we are much more likely to be able to get over it.
完美主义的根源 So some of these sources of perfectionism.
第一个 最重要的因素就是社会影响 The first one,the most important one is conditioning.
我们都不是天生的完美主义者 I mean we are not born perfectionist.
你们在录影带中看到的孩子 他们天生 Children as you saw in the video- they are,as you know,
比我们更能享受学习的过程 born actually enjoying the learning process much more than we do.
我们畏惧失败 他们却不断跌掉了又爬起 When we are afraid of failing,they fall and they get up again.
所以是社会的影响导致了 So it's through conditioning that
我们对于失败的畏惧 确切地说 we learn to be afraid of failure,specifically,
是这样一种在我们心中烙下的 the schema that we internalize
并且几乎从出生开始就不断被加深的基模 that's being reinforced constantly from almost the time
那就是 成果才是真正重要的 when we were born- that what matters is the destination.
当我们得到了某个成果的时候 When we get to a certain destination
比如学会走路 做得好 such as learning how to walk- well done!
在我第一年期末的时候得了A 真不错 Such as getting A at the end of my first grade- terrific!
只有我们的成果受到了奖励 Gold star! It's the destination that's rewarded.
过了没多久 我们就开始内化这种基模 And after a while,we begin to internalize this schema
并且我们也开始相信我们接受它 and we begin to believe that we accept it
当我们达成了某种成就的时候 when we achieve a certain completion
这样的事在我们的生活中一直延续着 and goes on throughout our lives.
我们什么时候会得到奖金 I mean when do we get a bonus?
在4月3号吗 当然不是 是在12月31号 On April 3? No,we get it on December 31!
或者说是圣诞节之前 年末 Or just before Christmas at the end of the year.
今年大家都干得不错 很好 This was a good productive year.Well done.
我们什么时候会得到分数 When do we get the grades,
还被别人轻拍后背表示做得不错 the pats on the back if we did work well?
是在学期末 At the end of the semester.
或是在考试后 我们完成了某些事的时候 Or after an exam when we have completed something.
不会在旅途中得到 Not during the journey.
换句话说 整个旅途都没有受到奖励 In other words,the journey goes unrewarded.
于是我们也就开始认为它是无关的 And we begin to perceive it as inconsequential,
是不重要的 只是到达终点的一种方式 not important,just a means toward an end.
只有非常少的教师 家长 组织 Very few teachers,parents,organizations,
还有学校会奖励旅途 奖励旅途中的愉快 schools reward the journey- the enjoyment of the journey.
当然 也有很少的人会奖励失败 And of course,very few reward,lo and behold,failure,
可这是旅途中不可避免的 which is an inevitable part of every journey
所以我们觉得这不好 这一点也不好 so that we learn no good- this is no good-
我们必须尽可能地追求直线 we must have as much as possible a straight line.
一种直接的基模 A straight schema.
我们内化它的时候也付出了代价 And we pay a price for it when we internalize it.
这就是我们出生所在的社会环境 And this is the kind of social environment that we are born into,
我们成长所在的社会环境 that we are raised in,
而这样的社会环境很难以改变 and the social environment that is very difficult to change.
我也知道 我家里也有孩子 I mean I know- I have little kids at home.
这太难以改变了 It is so difficult to change it
因为我自己也时常对孩子说并且专注于 because very often I'm inclined to say to focus
"Shirell学会走路了 from early on the day "Oh Shirell just learned how to walk!
做得好 你学会走路了" Well done! You know you just walk"
而不是奖励其中所付出的努力 as opposed to rewarding the effort as we'll talk about
我们等会会讲到 奖励付出的努力 in a minute and rewarding the hard work and
甚至奖励失败 应对与整个过程 rewarding even the failure,the trying,the coping,the process.
非常难 Very difficult.
这当然也和准许为人有联系 And that's connected,of course,to the permission to be human.
准许看到人类本性的限制 The permission for the constraint of view of the human nature,
而不是理想化 孤立地 as opposed to the idealized,disconnected,
分离地看待生活 detached of view of what life can look like.
因为这不可能 Because it can't.
如果不是准许为人 而是要求完美的话 Instead of permission to be human,there's pressure to be perfect
压力是持久存在的 It's constant.It's on-going.
存在于媒体中 存在于工作中 It's in the media.It's in the workplace.
存在于教育机构中 It's in our educational institutions.
这无处不在 我们也为之付出了代价 It's everywhere.And we pay a price for it.
现在 我来给你们看几个例子 Now let me give you some examples.
在那前先给你们介绍一下 Before I give this example,just a quick introduction.
你们都知道 学术研究赚不了多少钱 As you know,academics don't make that much money.
进入学术圈的人 大多都不是为了钱 When people go into academia,it's usually not for the money.
有很多学者 So many academics,
我也不例外 必须额外赚取收入 myself being known no exception have to supplement their income.
我也有额外的收入 So I supplement my income-
而我希望和你们分享一下我额外做的事 and I want to share with you something that I do on the side.
我的眼镜掩饰了我有腹肌的事实 (Laugh) Yeah.My glasses are just to hide the abs.Yeah.
那么 他是真实的吗 So I mean,is he real?
这间房间里有谁是长这样的吗 Is anyone in this room who looks like this?
我也没指望你们来回答 Yeah,didn't mean for you to answer that question.
但我的意思是 他是真实的吗 部分真实的 But I mean is this real? Well,partially.
这照片修过不少地方 A lot of it is photoshoped.
但是没错 确实有人长是这样的 But yeah,there are some people who look like this.
但是我们在杂志会看到什么 But what do we see in the magazines?
我是说 如果你们进一家杂志店里面去 I mean if you go to the magazine store.
你们也知道这种杂志的 这些就是 You know the magazines these are the kind of people
封面上的人物 who are on the cover.
十分完美 完美的存在 Perfect.Perfect beings.
甚至更加地 Even more so-
我们的Ken还有芭比娃娃都更加完美 you know so we have our Kens- even more so with the Barbies.
我在谷歌图片上找了好久 来看看吧 I just do a lot of work on Google image.So look at this.
"科学的进步" "The Progress of Science".
"近代艺术的范例" "Some Examples of Recent Art".
就像今天的Cosmo杂志一样 不是么 看这个 Just like Cosmo today,right? Well,so look at this.
"性爱女神的秘密" "Sex Goddess Secrets".
我是说 这甚至不是"性爱人类的秘密" I mean,it's not even "Sex HUMAN Secrets"!
那还不够好 That's not good enough!
看看我们为自己定下的这些标准吧 Look at these standards that are set for ourselves!
我怎么才能变成那样 这里 我没看到 How am I ever going to match that! Or here- oh I didn't see that.
"百分之三十的..."我应该好好读一读 "The Naughty Thing 30%..." I should read that.(Laugh)
但这不是我想指的 But that's not what I want to point to.
其实我想指这个"如何快速进步" I actually wanted to point to this- "How to Get Ahead Fast".
要多快有多快 对吧 时间不多 As fast as you can,right? There is no time.Or this- "Never".
"永远不长痘痘"我都37岁了还有痘痘 "Never Have a Zit Again".I mean,I still have zits.I'm 37.
他们怎么做到的 又是不现实的模型 What do...How do they do that?! Again,unrealistic models.
1997年我还在新加坡住的时候 You know in 1997 when I was living in Singapore,
我想带Nathaniel Branden去新加坡 I wanted to bring Nathaniel Branden to Singapore.
他被认为是自尊研究的领头人 Again,he is considered the leading person on self-esteem.
他的妻子Devers Branden也在自尊 His wife,Devers Branden has done a lot of work
与自我成长方面花了很多功夫 in the areas of self-esteem and personal growth.
所以我希望能让他们来新加坡 So I wanted to bring them both.
所以我请他们来为我工作的公司 So I brought them to consult for the organization
做咨询 where I was working.
我在寻找其他途径 And I was looking for other ways
因为其他途径所要筹集的经费比较多 because it was very expensive for other ways of funding that trip
而我的一个好朋友 And a close friend of mine,
Pat Lee那时在为美体小铺工作 Pat Lee was working at the time with the Body Shop.
她说"这实在是太好了 And she said,"you know,this is perfect.
因为美体小铺还有Anita Roddick Because the Body Shop this year and Anita Roddick
我之前提过她 对于女性自尊也很感兴趣 whom I mentioned earlier is interested in self-esteem for women.
那为什么我们不能让Devers和Nathaniel So why don't we do a project with Devers and Nathaniel
还有美体小铺联合起来 and the Body Shop joint venture
在新加坡搞一次关于女性自尊的活动呢 and have self-esteem for women in Singapore?"
我认为这主意非常不错 I thought it was a great idea.
我和Anita Roddick见了面 I actually met with Anita Roddick.
然后我们共同赞助了Nathaniel Branden And we co-sponsored Nathaniel Branden-
后来这次活动非常成功 it was a highly successful event.
本来有700个座位 可来了1000多人 We had 700 seats; over 1000 people came.
我们得在场外放置等离子大屏幕 We had to have plasma outside.
还有 这次活动对很多人产生了激励 And in addition,it made a huge stir
并激发了一场运动 或者说是小规模运动 and really started a movement or a mini movement
在新加坡的 女性自尊的运动 in Singapore- self-esteem for women.
作为结果 As a result,
Nathaniel Branden写了本书 叫"女性的自尊" Nathaniel Branden wrote a book,called "Self-esteem For Women".
因为他被我们在研讨会上所讲述的 Cause he's blown away with the fascinating stories
那些故事给深深吸引了 that were told in the seminar and so on.
不管怎么说 Anita Roddick在女性和自尊方面 Anyway,but Anita Roddick has done a lot of work
做了不少工作 for women and self-esteem.
其中一个项目 她在1997年策划的 And one of the projects- she did that in 1997-
我觉得你们大多都太年轻了 可能不知道 I think you were,most of you were too young to be aware of it,
但是所有美体小铺的分店都有一个 but it was on all Body Shop stores was one
叫做Ruby的洋娃娃 用来取代芭比娃娃 that she based on a doll called Ruby,the alternative to Barbie.
然后那次活动是这样的 And here is what the campaign looked like.
抱歉 Whoops! Sorry.
"有三十亿女人长得不像超级模特 "There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels
只有8个才像" and only 8 who do."
或者"媒体们 Or "Hey media,
在我们家乡 文化与生理的多样才是标准 Where we come from cultural and physical diversity is the norm.
那里就是地球" It's called Planet earth."
这次活动非常成功 也很重要 Very effective campaign.And so important.
因为我们今天文化中的 Because what of the models that
模型就是这样的 要么全部要么没有 we have today in our culture- all or nothing.
这些照片是一同被找到的 I mean,this picture by the way came together.
我没把它们特意放在一起 I didn't put them together.
要么你大吃大喝 要么就不吃不喝 Either you binge,or the alternative.
我们从电影中得到了什么 Or what do we get in the movies?
谁能达到《壮志凌云》里面的标准 I mean who possibly can live up to the standards of Top Gun?
汤姆克鲁斯和凯莉麦吉利斯 Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis.
他们拥有的那种完美的爱情 The perfect love that they had there,
但这是我们所有的模型 but this is the model that we had-
等我们谈到恋爱关系的时候会讲到 and I'll talk about it when I talk about relationships.
谁又能度过《爱你九周半》那样的九周半呢 Who possibly can sustain even for "9 1/2 Weeks" (movie),
更不要说过一辈子了 那电影里的激情 let alone a life time? The passion in the movies.
都是不可能的标准 还有那些自助的书 Impossible standards.Also,self-help books.
比如《思考致富》 "Think and Grow Rich".
和这个没什么关系 只要思考 就能致富 Nothing much about this.No,just think.And then you'll be rich.
这本书卖了几百万本 Tens of millions of copies sold from this book.
这里还有一本书 Or here is another book that I found.
这本书或许不错 Now the book,the book may be great.
我得承认我还没有读过 I haven't read it- I have to admit.
但先看看 《小步迈向幸福 现在》 But look at it- "Small Steps to Big Happiness.NOW!"
我们又迫不及待了 说的是专注于目标 Again,we can't wait.It's about the destination.
而不是专注于努力 旅途 人格 It's not about the hard work,the journey,the character,
还有所需的改变 change that needs to take place.
还有别的 And there is something else.
还有别的导致完美主义的因素 There is something else that leads to perfectionism.
这是一个你们已经读到过的研究结果 And this is the research that you have already read about.
这是由Carol Dweck完成的出色研究 And this is work done by,great work done by Carol Dweck,
她现在在斯坦福大学工作 who is now at Stanford.
这就是她的研究成果 Here is her study.
因为 Because you see,
她所描述的是 不是所有的赞美都是好的 what she illustrates is that not all praise is good.
对一个孩子说 你很棒 你很出色 Telling a kid you are wonderful,you are terrific,you are great,
不吝赞美之词 no matter what indiscriminately-
你太聪明了 你真是惊人 我的小爱因斯坦 you are so smart,you are so amazing,my little Einstein-
这也不总是好的 that's not always good.
长期来看这可能也是有害的 That may be harmful in the long run.
这也会导致完美主义的基模 And it may,it may create the perfectionism schema.
那么我和你们分享一下她的研究成果吧 So let me share with you one of her studies.
我想你们已经读过了 And again,I think you've already read this.
她所做的就是找到一些十岁的孩子 So what she did was going to group of 10 years old
然后把他们随机分成两组 and randomly divided them into two groups.
第一组孩子都做了道题 The first group did a puzzle
他们都每个人独立完成了 which they completed successfully,each one individually.
到最后 对每一个完成的孩子 And at the end,for each one when he or she completed the puzzle,
她都说"你真聪明伶俐" she would say,"wow.You are so intelligent.So smart."
当然 孩子们都感觉不错 And of course,they felt good about it.Terrific.
第二组做的是同一道题 做完了 做的不错 The second group did the exact same puzzle- succeeded; did well.
结束后 她说 And at the end of it,she said,
"你真努力 你很认真" "wow.You put so much effort into it.You worked so hard."
这随机分成的两组孩子 Again,randomly divided into these two groups.
一组是"聪明伶俐" 一组是"努力认真" One- "smart and intelligent"; one- "effort,hard work".
然后她开始第二部分的研究 And she had a second part of the study.
第二部分 That second part:
两组孩子要选两道题 the participant had to choose between two puzzles.
他们被告知其中一道很简单 One puzzle they were told was relatively easy-
他们可以很好地完成 one they could do well.
另一道非常之困难 The other one was extremely hard,
但是他们能够从中学到许多 but they could really learn a lot from it.
那组被称赞 From the group that was told that
聪明伶俐的孩子里 they were smart or smart and intelligent,
五成孩子选了简单的题目 50 percent chose the easy one;
五成孩子选择了可以学到很多的难题 50 percent chose the hard one where they could learn a lot.
那组被称赞努力认真的孩子里 From the group that was told that they were hard-working,
九成孩子选择了 that they put in a lot of effort,90 percent chose the hard one,
他们能学到很多的难题 the one that they could learn from.
这就是研究的第二部分 This was the part two of the study.
第三部分 Part three.
这次她让孩子们做 She brought them in again,and this time had them take,
一道非常难的题 or do a puzzle which was very difficult,
这题基本上是无法解答的 which was essentially unsolvable.
她想看看两组孩子的反应 And she wanted to see the reaction of the two groups.
被告知他们很聪明 The group that was told how smart they were,
很伶俐的那一组 how intelligent they were,
他们没有坚持多久 that group didn't persist much
并且非常沮丧 and experienced a lot of frustration
并且很快就开始放弃了 and would give up very quickly on that puzzle.
与此相反 被告知努力认真的 In contrast,the group that was told earlier that
那一组孩子 they worked hard and that they put in a lot of effort,
他们更能坚持并且享受解题的过程 persisted much more and actually enjoyed the process,
即使到最后他们都没能解开这道题 even though they didn't end up solving the puzzle.
但是他们享受这个过程 并且更加努力 But they enjoyed the process and they worked harder.
看看这微小的操纵带来的结果 Look at this slight manipulation.
简简单单的一个句子"你真聪明" Simply one sentence- "oh you are so smart!"
"你真努力" "Oh you are working so hard!"
一句话带来了这么明显的不同 One sentence lead to this significant difference.
用她的话来说 "重视努力让孩子拥有 In her words- "Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable
一个他自己能掌控的变量 that they can control.
这能让他们认为自己能掌控自己的成功 They come to see themselves as in control of their success.
强调自然的天赋 Emphasizing natural intelligence
让孩子们无法掌控成功 takes it out of the child’s control,
这不会给孩子提供面对失败的方法 and it provides no good recipe for responding to a failure."
事实上当你仅仅注重于天赋的时候 Essentially what happens when you focus only on the intelligence,
你就是在制造完美主义的基模 on how smart you are,you are creating the perfectionist schema,
而不是专注于 as opposed to a schema that
旅途当中 努力的基模 focuses on the journey,effort,hard work.
她继续说道 She continues-
"如果你称赞孩子的智力 当他们失败时 "When you praise kids' in telligence and then they fail,
他们会认为自己不再聪明 they think they're not smart anymore,
然后失去对于眼前工作的兴趣 and they lose interest in their work.
相反 那些被称赞努力的孩子 In contrast,kids praised for effort show no impairment
在困难面前不会气馁 甚至更有动力 and often are energized in the face of difficulty."
这两种方式造成了多么明显的不同 What a difference just based on these two approaches.
被称赞智力的人会产生这样的基模 Person who is praised for their intelligence creates this schema-
要么我很聪明 要么我就不聪明 either I'm intelligent or I'm not.
我很畏惧不聪明 And I'm afraid of not being intelligent,
所以我就选择容易一点的任务吧 so I'll choose the easier task.
当我无法做到的时候 这就是攻击 And when I can't do something,it's an attack,
是对于我的基模的侮辱 没错吧 it's an insult on my schema,right?
这是对于直线的偏离 It's a deviation from this straight narrow.
相对的 如果努力才是最重要的 In contrast,if effort is most important,
"好的 让我试试看吧" "OK,let me see what's around the corner here."
"我学到了很多 这真有意思" "Hey I'm learning a lot now.This is wonderful.This is fun."
因为 一个是"既定思维模式"如Dweck所说 Because with one,it's "a fixed mindset",in Dweck's words.
而另一个 And in the other,
是种可拓展的 时刻改变和发展的思维模式 it's the malleable,changing,ongoing,developing mindset.
一个是 畏惧失败 因为我想聪明 One- there is fear of failure,cause I want to be smart.
被人称赞聪明很有意思 It's fun being called smart and intelligent.
我不想威胁到这个基模 I don't want to threaten the schema.
相对的是 努力的 重视过程的 Versus working hard,focusing on the process,
当追求卓越的基模 when the excellence schema
成为惯常做法 becomes the dominant modus operandi.OK.
那么我们如何克服完美主义呢 So how do we overcome perfectionism?
如果我们确实有这个问题怎么办 What do we do about it if we have it?
要记住 根本就没有完美的完美主义者 And again,remember there's no perfect perfectionist.
也没有完美的追求卓越者 There is no perfect person committed to excellence.
你们必须选择你能快乐的生活方式 You need to choose in your life where you are happy,
选择你认为能够更加快乐的生活方式 and where you think you can be happier.
不会有现成的答案摆在你面前 This may not even speak to you.
对你而言可能只是有趣的学术理论 This for you may be just interesting academically,
或者是非常个人化的原因 or it may be deeply personal.
那么我们该怎么更多地采用卓越的基模呢 So how do we become more and more of the excellence schema?
首先 是自我认知 在于自我了解 First,it is about self-awareness.It's about understanding.
对我来说 明白 "我太过于有自卫性了 For me,a big breakthrough was understanding
我不想再这样了"是一个大突破 "hey I'm actually defensive and I don't want to be defensive."
因为我知道这会伤害亲密的人际关系 Because I know that it hurts intimacy and relationships
并且从那时候我开始在这上面努力 and that's when I started the real work on it.
并且有所进步 And that has improved,
并且在将来仍将继续提升我的人际关系 and continues to improve my relationships.
或者"看看我有多么畏惧失败 Or "look at my reaction to failure.
我有多么害怕听到个不字 Look how afraid I am of hearing a no.
看看我有多么害怕被拒绝 Look how afraid I am of being rejected.
看看我有多害怕应对与尝试" Look how afraid I am of coping and trying."
就应该意识到它 So being aware of it.
如果你想让你的网球技术进步 I mean,if you want to improve your forehand in tennis,
你必须首先明白你想要进步的是什么 you first need to be aware of what it is that you want to improve
这就是第一步 说起来容易做起来难 So that's the first step.And that's easier said than done.
我来给你们介绍一个简短的例子 Let me show you a quick example of someone
是关于一个不完全了解自己的弱点的人的 who perhaps is not fully aware of her weaknesses.
视频：威尔和格蕾丝 第三季第十集 [Video: Will and Grace S3EP10]
你好 Jackie Brown KAREN: Hey,Jackie Brown.
为什么没有咖啡了 JACK: Why isn't there any coffee?!
和你没有老婆和三个孩子的原因相同 KAREN: Same reason why you don't have a wife and three kids.
上帝决定的 It's the way God wants it.
该死的 这可是间办公室 应该有咖啡的 JACK: Damn it,this is an office! There should be coffee!
嗨 嗨 KAREN: Hey,hey,hey,hey,hey!
为什么不把你的怒气留在卧室里呢 Why don't you save your anger for the bedroom,where it belongs?
为什么你不去见你的咖啡小爱人呢 Why don't you go see your little coffee cutie,huh?
你的拿铁小情人 疯子先生 Your latte lover.Mr.Jock-full-of-nuts.
他辞职了 好吧 JACK: He quit,all right?
这是什么意思 你在审问我吗 What is this? The freaking inquisition?
难道想喝咖啡时 就不能好好的喝一杯热咖啡吗 Can't a guy have a nice,hot cup of coffee when he wants,
还是说我们都住在"茶之国度"里 or do we all live in "Tea Land"
只要提到"咖啡"就是犯罪 where it's a capital crime to even say the word "coffee"?
好了 神经质 冷静一点 KAREN: Ok,jitterbug,get a hold of yourself.
别让我冷静一点 我很好 JACK: Don't tell me to get a hold of myself.I'm fine!
好吧 或许你想照照镜子 KAREN: Ok,you may wanna take a look in the mirror
因为你看起来有点疯 好吗 because you got a little crazy on your face.Ok?
我的天啊 JACK: Oh,my God.
Karen 我到底是怎么了 Karen,what's happening to me?
好吧 我不是专家 KAREN: Well,I'm no expert,
但我觉得你是犯瘾了 but I think you have a little addiction problem.
别把眼泪滴在台布上 No tears on the damask.
犯瘾 不 不 JACK: Addiction? Oh,no.No,no!
我可没上瘾 多谢你了 I don't have an addiction,thank you very much.
- 好的 好的 - 我没事 我没事 KAREN: Ok,ok.JACK: I'm fine,I'm fine.
好了 好了 都结束了 KAREN: Ok,ok,it's over.
现在听我说 [Karen拿起药片] Now,listen to me.[KAREN GETS OUT A PILL.]
首先你要做的就是承认自己的问题 The first thing you have to do is admit that you have a problem.
[Karen把药片放进酒里搅拌] [KAREN SWIRLS THE PILL IN HER MARTINI.]
因为如果你连症状都不能发觉 Because if you can't even recognize the signs...
[Karen把药片吞了] [KAREN DROPS THE WET PILL INTO HER MOUTH.]
那你就真的糟糕了 Then you are really in sorry shape.
[Karen用酒送服药片] [KAREN WASHES DOWN THE PILL.] Oh,mmm!
你怎么对我这么好呢 [TO THE MARTINI GLASS] Why are you so good to me?
Karen 我办不到 我真的上瘾了 JACK: Karen,I can't do it.I'm hooked on the junk.
那么甜心 如果有作用的话 我就和你一起吧 KAREN: Well,honey,if it'll help you,I'll do it with you,ok?
我也戒咖啡了 I'll kick coffee,too.
是啊 这不简单 但是每当我早上起床时 Yeah! It won't be easy,but every morning when I wake up,
我只要习惯直接喝掉我的百利甜酒就好 I'll just have to get used to drinking my Bailey's straight.
那仍然会是起床最好的一刻 It'll still be the best part of waking up.
好的Karen 我们一起能做到的 JACK: Ok,Karen.Ok.Together we can do this.
让我再喝一杯 Let me just have one last cup.
不行 KAREN: No.
半杯 JACK: Half a cup.
不行 KAREN: No.
你喝一杯然后我舔你的舌头怎么样 JACK: How about you drink a cup and I'll lick your tongue?
很诱人 但是不行 过来吧 KAREN: [BEAT] Tempting,but no.Ok,come here.Right here.
Karen 小羊们什么时候才能不叫啊 JACK: Oh,Karen,when will the lambs stop screaming?
不管是要应对上瘾问题 Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar:So whether it's dealing with addiction
还是对于生活中别的问题 完美主义 or dealing with any issue in our lives,perfectionism,
还是要改善什么 第一步就是要有意识 or whether it's improving something,first step is awareness.
第二步是 还有五分钟就完 Second step is- there is 5 more minutes,by the way,
那些看着钟的同学 那钟快了五分钟 those of you who are looking at this clock- it's 5 minutes fast.
或是四分钟 还有四分钟就完 专注于对努力的嘉奖 Or 4 more minutes.4 more minutes.Focus on a reward effort.
Carol Dweck向我们展示的 What Carol Dweck showed was
就是当我们专注于努力的时候 when we focus on efforts,people's effort,
我们就能够改变那种根深蒂固的基模 we are able to change schema that has been engrained there,
即便这种基模已经存在了多年 and that has been there very often for years.
所以对我们自己 或者对别人 So with ourselves,or with other people,
我们应专注于旅途 it's about focusing on the journey,
专注 并不时地嘉奖自己 focusing on and rewarding ourselves at times,
甚至是嘉奖自己的失败 自己的尝试 even for failure,for trying.
在几个小时内 如Carol Dweck所见 And within a few hours,what Carol Dweck has seen,
告诉人们他们的心是可以拓展的 teaching people that their mind is malleable,
告诉他们神经可塑性 并非已经定型 teaching them actually about neuro plasticity that is not a fix,
我们仍可以作出改变 we can bring about change.
积极的接受 Active acceptance.
Karen Horney Karen Horney,
我认为她是幸福学创始人之一 whom I consider one of the mothers of positive psychology
她在神经症领域做了很多工作 has done a lot of work on neurosis.
她研究所得的其中一点是神经症 One of the thing that she found was that neurosis
它从来不会消失 that we have never really goes away.
它总是我们的一部分 It's always part of us.
它会变得更加可控制 但是总是存在 It becomes more manageable,but it's always there.
而极度的完美主义也是一种神经症 And perfectionism at the extreme is a form of neurosis.
所以关键就是接受它 So the thing is to accept that it will always be...
我总会有完美主义倾向 但是这没关系 I always have the tendency for perfectionism and it's OK.
但是 在以前 However,whereas before,
我有着极度的完美主义 I was here on the extreme of perfectionism;
现在我更加接近追求卓越的极致 now I'm much closer to the excellence extreme.
这是持续一生的 是不断进行的一个过程 And it's a life long...It's an on-going process.
这是不断进行的一个过程 It's an on-going process.
所以现在的关键就是接受 And the key here is to accept that
它一直都是我们生活的一部分这个事实 it will always be part of one's life and then to say,
然后问 "好的 那我该怎么办" "all right,so what do I do now?"
换句话说就是采取行动 In other words,it is about then taking action.
行为 Behavior.
所以举例来说 就是怎么应对 把自己置于线上 So for example,it's about coping,putting ourselves on the line.
我最初所做的 What I did initially,
在我留意到我的完美主义与自卫性的时候 when I first realized that perfectionism and my defensiveness,
我会撇开我的做法并且请求批评 I would go out of my way and solicit criticism.
我会问别人"给我点反馈吧" And I would ask people,"so you know give me feedback about it."
当我收到负面的反馈的时候 And when I received negative feedback,
和我的直线有所偏离的时候 things that were actually deviations from the straight line,
我就阻止自己回击 I literally held myself from you know pouncing back.
你们也知道 对于完美主义者来说 You know the best form of defenses
最好的防守就是进攻 is attack very often for perfectionist.
慢慢地我就习惯了 我没那么有自卫性了 And slowly I got used to it.And I became far less defensive.
我得以创造更高层次的亲密关系 And I was able to create much higher levels of intimacy.
或者我开始尝试别的领域 Or I put myself on the line in other areas,
那里我可能会遭到否定 where I potentially would experience a no.
让我以一个故事来结尾吧 So let me end with a quick story.
她的名字叫Brittaney 她是一个展示女郎 Her name is Brittaney.She was a show girl.At least to me she was.
我们在大学第一周时认识 我对她一见钟情 We met freshman week.And we really hit it off.
我们几乎整个第一周都在一起 We spent almost the entire freshman week out.
到那一周的周末 And at the end of the freshman week,
为了克服我的完美主义 wanting to overcome my perfectionism,
我约她出来 她拒绝了 I asked her out.And she said no.
这让我很吃惊 很受伤 但是她确实拒绝了 It surprised me,def me,hurt me.But she said no.
在大学第二年 我们又见面了 My sophomore year,we met again.
我再次约她出来 她又拒绝了 And again,I asked her out.And this time she said no.
第三年 在年末的时候 我和另一个人约会了 Junior year,toward the end of my junior year,I dated someone.
所以Brittaney就出局了 So Brittaney was out of the equation.
然后我们又见面了 在我大四的时候 And then we met again- my senior year.
我们谈了些有趣的话题 We had an amazing conversation.
那时候我已经开始学习心理学了 By that time I already studied psychology.
我也可以读懂她的身体语言 I could also read her body language.
她经常这么弄她的头发 She did a lot of this with her hair.
然后我知道她确实很喜欢我 And I knew that she really liked me.
然后我约她出来 她拒绝了 And I asked her out.And she said no.
然后我就还留在这里和你们在一起 And I'm still here with you.
这就是个很重要的学习过程 And that was an important learning process.
学会失败 或败于学习 Learn to fail or fail to learn.
我们下周见 I'll see you in next week.