大家早上好 Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar:Hi.Good morning.
首先今天在座的有低年级父母吗 So first of all,are there any junior parents today?
欢迎 欢迎 非常高兴你们能来 Welcome.Welcome.I'm so glad you are here.
我更高兴你们周二没有来 I'm even gladder you weren't here on Tuesday.
我...要先宣布一点事 So just...just...Just a couple of announcements.
周二之后我一直问自己 Yeah,you know,I was asking myself after Tuesday,
"他们以后还会不会认真听我的话了" 我希望如此 "are they ever going to take me seriously again?" I hope so.
或者"他们明天还会喜欢我吗" Or "will they love me tomorrow?"
好了 还是先宣布点事情吧 So just a couple of announcements.
首先 我收到很多关于论文的邮件 First,there are many emails regarding the response papers,
你们写的感谢信 whether the gratitude letters that you write,
也需要提交给你们的助教 you also need to submit to your,to your TF,
作为论文 所以我的回答既不肯定也不否定 as the response paper.So the answer is yes and no.
好了 也就是 对 你得提交 Alright,next.Yes! You do need to submit it.
不过如果那封信过于私人 However,if the letter is too personal
或者由于任意原因你不太愿意提交 or you don't feel comfortable for any reason submitting
给你的助教 to your TF as well,
就直接给助教发"我写了那封信" just send your TF a note saying "I wrote the letter"
我们会信任你的 and we will take your word for it.
所以不是一定要提交 And...so you don't have to submit it,
虽然最好是能提交 though it would be great if you do.
一个半礼拜之后就要期中考 The midterm is coming up in a week and a half.
所以关于期中考我说几句 So just a couple of words about the midterm.
我们打算期中考 What we have decided to do
只出选择题 is to just have a multiple choice midterm.
会有... 不太记得了 多少道 50? 50 There'll be - can't remember how many - 50? Five zero.
50道选择题 50 questions on the multiple choice.
有75分钟的作答时间 And you'll have 75 minutes to do it.
这样就可以留出十分钟 So we'll allow for the 10 minutes
到十五分钟的时间来组织秩序 or 15 minutes to get organized here.
考试不会太难 It's not going to be a difficult,you know...
要愚弄或是考倒你们 Try to fool you or to catch you.
而是会考得很直接 It's going to be pretty straight forward.
第一节课我曾告诉过你们我对考试的态度 I've told you my philosophy about exams during the first class,
如果你们还记得的话 those of you who remember.
过去 我不太习惯弄考试 In the past,I didn't used to have an exam
因为我记得我本科时就很讨厌考试 because I remember I wasn't happy taking exams as an undergrad.
己所不欲勿施于人嘛 And you know do not do unto others.
不过后来我意识到考试确实是有价值的 But then,I realize that there was the value to them.
不是在于高低分化 Not a value in terms of differentiation,
或者成绩之类的 grades and stuff,all that.
而在于期中考或期末考可以让你安下心来 The value is that the midterm or final gets you to sit down
整合所有学过的知识 and synthesize all the material.
如果是家庭作业 你可以找你所需的答案 So if it's a take home,you look for the answers where you are.
你只掌握了部分的知识 You take...you just get part of it.
但有期中考或期末考 With the midterm or final,
你就能坐下来从第一课看到最后一课 you sit down and you read everything from lesson 1 to lesson 26.
而这可以帮助你整合知识 And then that helps you synthesize
进而吸收掌握知识 and hence internalize the material.
请记住我反复强调的 Because remember what I mentioned time and again:
这门课是基于螺旋形的知识体系的 this class is built around the spiral theory of knowledge,
也就是说我们在第一课中讲的内容 meaning everything we talked about in lesson 1,in class 1,
与第三课相联系 与第七课相联系 is related to class 3,is related to class 7,
与第二十四课有联系 所有东西都是内在相连的 is related to class 24.Everything is interconnected.
而只有你静下心来 And it's when you sit down,
当我在讲某个知识时 我知道 you know when I talk about the material,I know
接下来的三周我会讲到什么 以及它们的联系 it's going to come three weeks from now and I know the connection
你们还不能 但当你们坐下来准备考试时 You still don't,but when you sit down and study for the exam,
才能建立知识间的联系 that's when you get to make the connection,
才能从更高的层面真正 and that's when you really internalize the material
吸收掌握知识 所以我们才要举行考试 at a much higher level.So this is why we have it.
我知道这不好玩 但对教学有好处 I know it's not fun however I think it is pedagogically.
静下心来把知识过一遍是很重要的 It is important to sit down and have a run through,
不管是期中考还是期末考 whether it's the midterm and again,for the final.
再说一次 不会很难 但一定要复习 Again,won't be difficult,but do study for it.
考试会很直接 基于事实 It would be very straightforward,fact-based.
可以想象得到 期中考不是要展示创造力 The midterm,as you can imagine,is not about showing creativity.
我们的目标是让你们回顾并掌握知识 Our goal is that you go over the material and synthesize it.
有任何问题 If you have any questions,
可以给助教发邮件 他们会给予回复 please email your TFs and they'll be able to answer.
如果没有 那就发邮件给我 If not,then email me.
好了 上回讲到哪了 其实我不太记得了 OK.So where were we last time? Actually can't remember.
我好像忘了上节课的内容 I think I repress the whole lesson.
不过有人跟我说我跳过了一些东西 But I was told that I skipped a few things
以便最后能完成我的节目 so that I could get to the show at the end.
有一样被跳过的东西 我想回头讲一下 And one thing that I skipped and I want to talk about go back to,
在我们谈到身体反馈假说之后 after we talked about the body feedback hypothesis.
还记得身体反馈假说吗 You remember the body feedback hypothesis?
你握手的方式 言谈举止 How you shake your hand,how you carry yourself.
还有面部反馈假说 包括微笑 皱眉 With the facial feedback hypothesis,with your smile,your frown.
这向他人传递了特定的信息 That communicates certain message to other people,
然后他人再反馈回来给我们 与此同时 who then reflect back to us and at the same time,
我们也在和自己沟通 we are also communicating to ourselves.
我自信吗 骄傲吗 或者我害怕恐惧吗 Am I confident? or am I proud? Or am I afraid and scared?
很多时候我们需要 And very often we need to,
正如我所说"不断伪造方能成真" as we talk about "fake it till we make it".
因为我们的身体 行为 给我们的思想 Because our body,our behavior sends messages to our mind,
以及情感提供信息 并影响它们 to our emotions and affects them.
有一个很不错的研究 There was a wonderful research done
由Haemmerlie以及第二作者Montgomery完成 by Haemmerlie and second author,Montgomery.
Haemmerlie和Montgomery做了如下研究 Haemmerlie and Montgomery did the following research.
他们招募了一些内向的直男 They recruited shy heterosexual men.
招募他们进行研究 内向的性取向正常的男人 Recruited them for the study.Shy,heterosexual men.
研究是按如下方式进行的 And the study was run as follow:
这些人被告知研究就是做一些特定的测试 these men were told that the study was about taking certain test
他们被邀请到William James大楼 and they were invited into the equivalent of William James Hall,
然后被告知"很不幸我们进度落后了" and they were told "unfortunately we were running behind,
"所以你得稍等" so you have to wait.
"必须在研究开始之前稍作等待" You have to wait until the study actually takes place.
同时等候室在这里 In the mean time,you know here is a waiting room
有很多人也在等候做相同的测试 and there are other people waiting for the same test.
"等到了的时候我们会来叫你" And we'll come and get you.
"可能得等一会 抱歉" It may take a while.Sorry.
"我们会付你额外等待时间的酬劳的" We'll pay you for it for the time you have to wait extra."
于是他就在等候室里等候 So they ended up waiting in a waiting room.
还有一个人和他一起等 And with them was waiting another person.
一位女性 他并不知道她其实是共谋者 A female,who unbeknownst to them was actually a confederate,
是研究的一部分 was actually a part of the study.
他以为她和他一样在等候 But they thought she was just like them,waiting,
也在等候进行测试 also waiting in line for the study to take place.
于是他和一个女人一起坐了12分钟 So they were sitting there for 12 minutes with a woman,
那个女人的任务是与这个内向直男 whose instruction was to strike up a conversation
发起对话 并对他所说的东西 with this shy heterosexual man,and to express a lot of interest
表现出极大的兴趣和兴奋感 and excitement about what they were saying.
于是他们互相倾听 互相提问 So they were listening and they were asking questions.
"哇" "真的吗" "Wow." "Really?"
他们在12分钟里谈笑风生 They were laughing at what they were saying for 12 minutes.
然后 And then,that,
那女人进去做他们以为的测试 the woman went into the experiment or so they thought.
另一个女人再进来 又是12分钟 Another woman comes in.Again,for 12 minutes,
她和这个内向直男坐在一起 she sits down with the shy heterosexual man
表现极大的兴趣 对他说的话发笑 and seems very interested and laughs at what he has to say,
向他提问 and asks questions.
诸如此类 聊12分钟 And so on and so...for 12 minutes.
她进去做试验之后 下一个女人又进来 And the next woman comes in,as she goes into the experiment.
如此类推 一共六次 And so on.Six times.
六个女人坐在这些内向直男身边 Six women sitting with the shy heterosexual men,
对他们所说的话表现极大的兴趣 being very interested in what they have to say,
开启对话 一共72分钟 striking a conversation.72 minutes total.
然后再进行所谓的真正的试验 And then they go into the real experiment,whatever it was.
然后第二天 And then next day,
他们又被邀请参加同样的试验 they are invited for the same experiment again.
再把完全一样的流程走一遍 And once again,they go through the exact same procedure.
72分钟里 他们和六个女人分别坐在一起 For 72 minutes,they sit down with 6 women
她们对他们的谈话内容表现极大兴趣 who are very interested in what they have to say.
当然了 这个试验要研究的就是 And of course,what really the experiment was interested in
这会有什么效果 was what effect does this have.
这种行为对于他们的内向会有什么效果 What effect does this behavior have on their shyness?
而答案是非常大 And it had radical effects.
接下来的半年里 跟踪调查发现 So over the next 6 months,when they followed upon these,
这些男人突然变得没那么紧张了 these men suddenly became far less anxious.
总体上来说 尤其是在女人旁边 In general,and specifically around women.
他们没有那么害羞了 They became less shy.
这些男人 很多是人生中第一次 These men often for the first time in their lives,
开始发展感情 开始约会 initiate relationships and start to date
在144分钟的干预以后 after 144 minutes of intervention.
天翻地覆的变化 但有一个问题 Radical difference.But there was a problem.
许多心理学实验的普遍问题是什么 What's the problem with many of these psychological experiment?
就是必须向受试者报告结果 That you have to debrief.
没错 你得报告结果 Exactly.You have to debrief.
因此半年后 试验结束 So six months later,the study was over.
研究者重新聚集受试者 The researchers invite the men in
告诉他们这只是个研究 and tell them this was just a study.
而那些女人其实是试验的一部分 And these women were actually part of the experiment-
是被要求表现出兴趣的 they were told to seem interested.
很残忍对吧 但并不像预想的那样 Cruel,right? Well,less than they thought.
这对那些男人没有影响 It made no difference to these men.
因为那时 他们已经外向了许多 Because by this time,they were much more outgoing.
他们与异性相处愉快 They were doing well with the opposite sex.
他们出去约会 他们不再那么内向 They were going on dates.They were less shy.
这开启了一个良性循环 已经完全没关系了 It started a positive spiral.It didn't matter at all.
144分钟改变了他们的生活 144 minutes changed their lives,
至少从约会的角度来看 as far as the dating was concerned at least,if not more.
为什么呢 回忆一下Bandura对自我效能的研究 Why? Think back to Bandura's work on self-efficacy.
没有比成功本身对成功更好的催化剂 Nothing breeds success like success.
当他们成功时 做得很好时 When they succeeded,they did well,
他们能看到自己做得很好 --自我知觉理论 they saw themselves doing well- self-perception theory.
关于对自我的认识和感知 Certain conclusions about who they are,
使他们进入良性循环 what they are and that led to an upward spiral,
并且保持这个良性循环 and continued that upward spiral.
我们刚刚讲了"不断伪造方能成真" Yeah,we talked about 'fake it till we make it',
再看看Marva Collins then watch Marva Collins.
先祖伦理 Chapters of the Fathers.Pirkei Avot.
很重要的犹太教教义写道 One of the seminal Jewish texts:
"那些行为超越其智慧的人 他们的智慧将恒久" "Those whose deeds exceed their wisdom,their wisdom shall endure
"但那些智慧超越其行为的人" but those whose wisdom exceeds their deeds,
"他们的智慧无法持久" their wisdom shall not endure.”
如果能记住我说过的 If we just- remember what I talked about-
当我们参加讨论会或者上课 if we just go to a workshop or a class,
并从认知水平上理解它 and understand it on the cognitive level,
即便有灵光乍现的时刻 有突破 也不会发生什么 even have an ah ha moment,a break through,nothing will happen,
除非我们的行为跟上了 unless we follow our new found wisdom
这新闪现的智慧 为什么呢 or understanding with deeds,with action.Why?
因为我们首先塑造习惯 然后习惯再反过来塑造我们 Because we first make our habits,and then our habits make us.
假设我们在参加学术讨论或上课之前是这个水平 And if we are before the workshop or class here,
然后我们的态度改变了 但行为没变 and then our attitude changes but our behavior doesn't,
态度会随着时间流逝被习惯又拉回来 our attitude will be pulled down over time by our habits.
所以只有我们随着时间改变习惯 So it's only,if we also change our habits over time,
开始做点什么 比如说 if we start doing things,if we,for example,
强迫自己做些事 解决些问题 put ourselves on the line- cope.
或者开始做感恩的训练 Or if we start doing the gratitude exercise
或者平时经常写信 or writting letters on the regular basis,
或者开始做运动 or starting physical exercise-
可以证明是最有力的干预 arguably being most powerful intervention,
来解决焦虑 沮丧 以及多动症 to deal with anxiety,depression as well as the ADHD.
除非我们很快开始做这些事 And that's when we start doing these things
否则这改变就会是短暂的 right after the change is going to be ephemeral
我们很快会回到原来的状态 we are going to go back to where we were before.
持久的长远的改变 Lasting,permanent change-
态度的改变必须要使行为与之匹配 attitude change has to be matched by deeds,by behavior.
Dan Millman 我几周前在课上提过他 Dan Millman- I mentioned him in class a couple of weeks ago,
在《深夜加油站遇见苏格拉底》一书中 The way of peaceful warrior,
探讨了行动与改变的重要性 talks about the importance of action and change.
他说 我引述 "要改变人生轨迹 He says,quote,"To change the course of your life,
就要从两种基本方法中选择 choose one of two basic methods.
其一 你可以指引你的能量及 One.You can direct your energy
注意力 用其整理思想 集中精神 and attention toward trying to fix your mind,find your focus,
巩固力量 affirm your power,
释放情感以及想象乐观结果 free your emotions and visualize positive outcomes so that
从而使你最终获得自信 鼓起勇气 you can finally develop the confidence to display the courage
下定决心做出承诺 to discover the determination to make the commitment
获得充分的激励去做你要做的事 to feel sufficiently motivated to do what it is you need to do.
其二 你也可以直接去做" Two.Or you can just do it."
有时说起来容易 做起来难 You know,sometimes,easier said than done.
但通常 However,very often,
例如跳入水中 这个行为 you know,jumping into the water,just doing it,
做出行动本身 和所有前期准备有一样的效果 taking action has the same effect as all the preparation,
或者效果更好 能形成良性循环 or even the better effect,and leads to an upward spiral.
然后我们谈到了应对以及退出舒适区 OK.Then we talked about coping and exiting your comfort zone.
家长们 你们可以暂时忽视这个 Parents,please close your eyes at this point.Alright.
然后我以找到你们的 And I ended by talking about attaining your
"最佳不适水平"结束 'optimum levels of discomfort'.
这是什么意思 什么意思 What does this mean? What does this mean?
我们可以寻找改变的途径或方法 So we can look at approaches to change or reactions to change,
伴随紧张的连续统一体的行为改变 behavioral change along the continuum of tension.
我们大多数人在大多数时候都蜷缩于舒适区 Most of us most of the time are in our comfort zone.
这很好 很不错 但是 It's great.It's wonderful.However,
当我们处于舒适区里时 很少发生变化 when we are in the comfort zone,very little change happens.
当跳出舒适区 就到了拉伸区 If you go beyond that,we get to our stretch zone.
也就是最佳不适区 This is what we call the optimal discomfort zone.
这就是改变实际发生的地方 This is where change actually happens.
再越过这个就是恐慌区 Beyond that is the panic zone.
此时我们就有了焦虑和困扰 This is where we have anxiety and difficulty.
这通常是不健康的区域 This is the place that is usually unhealthy.
对于改变来说不健康 Unhealthy for change.
因为这时通常我们都会回到原来的状态 Because very often,we can go back on where we were before.
可以打个比方 You can think about this with a metaphor:
舒适区就像是结冰的水 the comfort zone would be freezing water.
拉伸区就是流动的水 The stretch zone would be flowing water.
而恐慌区就是沸腾的水 The panic zone would be boiling water.
非常躁动 Again,a lot of movement,
但难以控制 并且十分危险 but out of control and potentially dangerous.
一般最好是呆在拉伸区里 The best way to be usually is in the stretch zone.
下周当你们读到"流动"时会读到这个 You'll read about it next week when you read about flow.
流动就是当你受到适度的刺激 Flow is when you have optimal level of arousal,
适度的紧张 optimal level of tension.
当你做的事 或者别的什么 When the task that you are doing,or whatever you are doing,
既不会太难也不会太简单 is not too difficult nor too easy.
我上节课最后的部分 很显然 See what I did at the end of last class was certainly,
正如我所说 你们所见 就越出了我的舒适区 as I said,as you saw I hope,out of my comfort zone.
可是它还不足以 可能够了... However,it wasn't enough- well,maybe-
但应该还没到恐慌区 but probably not in the panic zone.
为什么呢 因为我已经认识你们了 Why? Because I already know you-
我们已经在一起一个多月了 we have been together for over a month.
已经过了撤课的最后期限 你们已经来不及了 It's already passed at the drop date- so,too late for you.
所以我也不是冒了很大的风险 So I wasn't taking that much of the risk.
只是拉伸一下 而且这件事对我很重要 It was just stretching.And it was important for me to do...
我是说对我个人来说很重要 I mean,really personally important for me to do it.
因为它确实拉伸了我 Because it does stretch me
使我更多的接触到了我的人性 and get me more in touch with my humanity.
或者比方说你要在健身房里锻炼 Or for example,let's say you want to start an exercise in gym.
你意识到这很重要 你看了这方面的研究 You realize how important it is.You read the research.
你得知这方面的研究 You are exposed to that research
你看到它确实有很重要的作用 and you see it really has an important effect.
于是你开始锻炼 And you start exercising.
如果你已经锻炼了五年 Well,if you have an exercise for 5 years
然后你打算开始每天跑八英里 and you got to start running 8 miles a day.
问题就来了 That's a problem.
你拉伸过度了 你可能会受伤 You are over-stretching.You'll probably get injured.
如果你继续坐在电视前 或者打游戏 If you continue sitting in front of the TV or playing gameboy,
那对于改变也不是什么好事 that's also not good for change.
也就是呆在舒适区也许不是好事 That's the comfort zone perhaps not good.
拉伸就是"好吧 就从每天 Stretch will be "OK,let me start with walking
走两英里开始 然后逐渐增加" for two miles a day and build it up gradually."
拉伸自己 但不要过度 Stretch myself,but not too much.
或者如果你想给别人做讲座 Or if you think about starting to give lectures to others,
传递知识 积极心理学或者生物学 paying it forward,in positive psychology or biology,
无论是什么话题 whatever your topic is,
在观众面前你都会紧张 and you get anxious in front of an audience.
不一定要从Sanders剧院开始 You don't start giving a lecture in Sanders Theatre.
可以从你的朋友 队友开始 You start initially with your friends,teammates.
我就是从我的壁球队友开始的 This is how I start with my squash teammates.
我给他们做了第一次讲座 然后给家人做 I gave the first lecture to them and then I gave it to my family.
逐渐走出舒适区 Gradually out of the comfort zone.
每次拉伸一点点 然后逐渐增加 A little bit of stretch and then build it over time.
这是改变的健康方式 This is the health way of approaching change.
但是有时候 有的时候 Sometimes though,sometimes though,
我们必须要进入恐慌区 we have to go to the panic zone.
为什么 因为有些东西无法 why? Because something cannot be changed,
或者几乎不可能逐渐地改变 or almost impossible to change gradually.
例如 成瘾 For example,addiction.
如果我是个瘾君子 那就很难说出 If I'm addicted to drugs,it's very difficult to say,
"我就少注射一点 "well I'll just have a little bit less,
今天少一点 明天再少一点" inject a little bit less today.A little bit less tomorrow."
通常都要很突然 然后我们就处于沸腾的区域 It usually has to be abrupt.And then we are in the boiling realm.
就处在恐慌区 Then we are in the panic zone.
时常都是这样 所以我们才需要帮助 Quite literally at times,which is why we need help.
在此时我们需要有人抓紧我们 In this area,we need someone to hold us.
安慰我们 保护我们 Someone to comfort us.Someone to protect us.
因为这是个如此反复无常的地带 Because it is such a volatile zone.
并且十分危险 And potentially dangerous.
但一般来说 如果你想改变 But generally,if you want to change,
健康的方式就是在拉伸区进行 the healthy approach to change would be along the stretch zone.
仅从理论上来说 是不可能改变的 It's impossible to change in theory.
我已经说了很多遍 但还是经常有 Now I have said it so many times and yet very often people
上了这个课的人 他们中的很多人确实改变了 who take the class,as you know,many of them do change.
他们中的很多人确实说 Many of them do say,
"上这个课使我的生活变得更美好了" "well my life is better today for having taken it."
还有些别的人则说 And other people say,
"我上了这个课 但它对我的生活没什么影响" "well I took the class and it didn't make a difference in my life
"这是个很有趣的经历 粉红T恤之类的" It was a fun experience at times- the pink shirt and others.
"但对我的生活没有造成实质而持久的影响" But it didn't make a real lasting difference in my life."
在每种...几乎所有 并不是所有 但大多数情况下 In every...almost all- not in all cases,but in almost all cases,
这是因为这改变并不是与态度改变 it's because it wasn't behavioral change associated
或与内在的理解和认知 with the attitudinal change or with the insides
相关联的行为改变 or understandings or recognition.
一定会存在着行动偏向 There has to be a bias for action.
关于行动偏向 举几个例子 And that bias for action- just name a few examples:
为了增加自信 我们得冒险 to increase confidence- we do it by taking risks,
而不是说一下 或者想一下 not by talking and thinking about,
或者站在镜子前对自己说 or standing in front of the mirror and say to myself:
"我非常自信 我有自尊" "I have a lot of confidence.I have self-esteem.
"我很棒 很好 很伟大" 这都不够 I'm great.I'm terrific.I'm gorgeous." Not enough.
我们如何在生活中减轻压力 How do we reduce stress in our lives?
下周我们会讲这个 And we'll talk about it next week.
简单点说 就是少做点事 而不是多做点 By simplifying,by doing less rather than more.
我们会讲到为什么少做点事其实 We'll talk about how actually doing less at times
不仅会带来更多的幸福感 doesn't just lead to more happiness,
也会带来更大的成功 it also leads to more success,
更多创造力 以及生产力 more creativity as well as productivity.
但我们不能在理论上减少压力 But we can't reduce the stress in theory.
要借由感恩走出阴影 Chipping away through the gratefulness,
创造更多积极的渠道 creating more positive channels,
逐渐成为积极者 becoming more of a benefit finder over time.
这需要时间 不是一夜之间的事 It takes time.Doesn't happen overnight.
但好的一面是 当我们害怕时 The nice thing though is that when we are afraid,
当我们觉得难以采取特定行动时 when we think it's too much for us to take certain action,
我们可以运用内部模拟器 we can use our internal simulator.
还记得吧 大脑是无法分辨 Remember the mind doesn't know the difference
真实和假想的东西的 between the real thing and the imaginary thing?
如果我们想象某物 用认知行为治疗的话来说 And if we imagine something,if we are in the CBT language,
在我们受到刺激时 if we engage in exposure,
不管是通过想象还是实际行为 either through the imagination or through actual action,
如果我们受到刺激 久而久之 我们就会变得自信 when we engage in exposure,over time,we become confident,
就像我告诉你们的一样 为讲座做准备 which as I told you,what I do,preparing for lectures,
看到我自己 在我的脑海中进行这件事 seeing myself,doing it in my mind's eye,
我的大脑并不知道在真实和想象之间 and the mind doesn't know the difference,
有什么区别 in the real and in the imagined.
逐渐地我们就变得更自信了 And overtime,we'll become more confident.
这是个好的开始 但这不够 It's a good start.It's not enough.
但很显然是很实用 But certainly goes hand in hand
也很有益的 可供尝试和探索的方法 and a very useful technique to explore and to try.
这些都很好理解 So all this is well and good.
我想你们有些人肯定在想 I'm sure some of you are thinking about,
事实上上节课后有些人 and actually some came after class last time
来找我谈过 说 and talked to me about it and said,
"我们知道行动很重要 但有个问题" "OK,so we know action is important,but there is a problem.
"问题在于我 或者许多人都没有" And the problem is that I don't or many people don't have
"足够的自律来完成这个行动" enough discipline to engage in this action,
"来保证每周跑三次或者五次步" to get out and run three times or five times a week.
"我们很懒" We are lazy.
"玩游戏更有意思一些" It's much more fun playing with our Nintendo
"相比于做一小时瑜伽 至少一开始是这样" than going and doing yoga for an hour,at least initially.
"所以我没有足够的自律性来改变" So I don't have enough discipline for change.
我想让你们快速地举个手 说实话 I just want a quick show of hands.Be honest.
举起手来 如果你相信 Put up your hand if you believe that
假使你能更自律 if you had more self-discipline-
现在你们可能非常自律 now you may have a lot of self-discipline
也可能很不自律 or very little self-discipline,
但假使你能更自律 but if you had more self-discipline,
你就可以更幸福或更成功 you could potentially be happier and/or more successful.
假使你能更自律 说实话 If you had more self-discipline? Be honest.
我的手可是举得很高的 I mean my hand is very much up.
好 大多数人都这么觉得 OK,so it's most people think that.
我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你们 So I have good news for you and bad news for you.
从坏消息开始吧 I'll start with the bad,
因为我喜欢积极的结尾 because I'd like to finish on the positive.
那么坏消息是 So the bad news is
你们不会获得更多的自律 you aren't going to get any more self-discipline.
你现在拥有的就将是全部 What you have is what you got and what you will get.
就是这样 抱歉 真倒霉 That's it.Sorry.Tough luck.
大多数人 绝大多数的人 Most people,most people,overwhelmingly majority of people
认为他们需要并且想要更加自律 think they need or want more self-discipline
认为他们现有的自律不够 and believe that they don't have enough.
大多数 And most,
几乎所有人都无法得到更多自律性 just about all people cannot get any more self-discipline.
事实就是这样 这就是坏消息 Nature.That's it.So that's the bad news.
好消息是 更多的自律事实上并不重要 The good news: it's actually not that important,
不管是对于成功或是幸福感 neither for success,nor for happiness.
就用你现在已有的自律性 你也可以 You can be more successful and happier with the self-discipline
变得更成功 更幸福 that you currently have.
怎么做呢 如果你把注意力从依靠自律性 How? If you change your focus from relying on self-discipline
来获得改变 转到引入例行公事上来 for bringing about change to introducing rituals.
将你的注意力从自律转向例行公事 Changing your focus from self-discipline to rituals.
我接下来要讲的一个理念 I am going to talk about an idea now that is part of...
完整的叙述来自于 that is talked about in greater length
Jim Loehr和Tony Schwartz所著的《精力管理》 in The Power of Full Engagement by Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz.
一本非常非常好的书 An excellent,excellent book.
他们所说的本质上是一种思维转换 And what they are talking about is essentially a paradigm shift.
思维转换 A paradigm shift,
就是我们要停止试图得到更多的自律 where we need to stop trying to get more self-discipline,
因为自律本身对于成功 对于幸福 because that,in and of itself is not enough for success,
对于改变来说是不够的 for well-being,for change.
正是由于人们依赖于自律来获得改变 And it's because people rely on self-discipline for change.
这就是为什么 That is the reason why
许多组织及个人的尝试改变的努力失败了 most organizational as well as individual change efforts fail.
让我和你们分享一个有趣的研究吧 So let me share with you a fun study.
这个研究是Roy Baumeister做的 This was done by Roy Baumeister,
二十世纪以及二十一世纪初最卓越的 one of the leading social psychologists of the 20th
社会心理学家之一 and the beginning of the 21st century.
非常伟大的研究者 他所做的研究如下 Great researcher.Here was what he did.
他逐个把一组人带进来 He brought in a group of people individually.
于是那个人来进行试验 So the person walks into the experiment.
然后同样告诉他们 "你得在这个房间等候 And they are told,once again,"you have to wait in this room,
在这个等候室里等待实验开始" waiting room for the experiment to start.
于是那个人坐下来 So the person sits down.
在他旁边有张桌子 There is a table right next to that person.
桌上放了一个碗 And on the table,there's a bowl.
碗里装着刚烤好的巧克力脆饼 And in the bowl,there are freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.
新鲜出炉的那种 Just came out of the oven.
芳香萦绕在空气里 Smell the aroma,engulfing them.
就像动画片里画的 飘进他们的鼻子里 You know like those cartoons,going into their nose.
无比的香味 Phenomenal smell.
他们就坐在那儿 They are sitting there,
正挨着装巧克力脆饼的碗 next to the chocolate chip cookies that are in a bowl.
试验者然后说 The experimenter puts and says,
"我会在约十分钟后回来叫你去参加试验" "I'll come and pick you about 10 minutes for the experiment."
他们走出去 出去之前对受试者说 They walk out.And as they are walking out,they tell them,
"顺便提一下 这些巧克力脆饼" "oh just by the way,these chocolate chip cookies,
"是为下一个试验所准备的" they are for the next experiment.
"所以如果你不介意的话 最好不要动它" So if you don't mind,don't touch them."
于是你就坐在那儿 非常渴望 So you are sitting there,almost dying,
但就是不能碰它 but you are not touching it.
十分钟之后 And ten minutes later,
试验者确实回来了 带你去参加试验 the experimenter does come in,takes you to the experiment.
这个试验非常难 The experiment is very difficult.
你要进行非常非常难的测试 Very difficult.Very difficult test that you need to take.
大多数人都无法通过这个测试 A test that most people don't solve
并且这需要大量的坚持和努力 and requires a lot of perseverance and hard work.
但大多数人 But most people,
即使拥有坚持和努力也没法通过 even with perseverance and hard work do not solve it.
所以评估结果时 So the outcome measure,
研究者感兴趣的是 what the researcher is interested in is mostly
在放弃测试前 你坚持了多久 how much did you persevere before giving up on that test.
在放弃测试前 你坚持了多久 How much did you persevere before giving up on that test?
这才是对结果的评估 才是因变量 That was the outcome measure,the dependent variable.
第二组随机挑选的人 进入同样的房间 Second group,randomly picked,come into the same room,
坐在同一把椅子上 旁边桌上放着相同的碗 sitting on the same chair,have the same bowl on the table.
但里面装的不是巧克力脆饼 But instead of chocolate chip cookies,
而是甜菜根 what they have in the bowl are red beetroots.
刚烤好 新鲜出炉 Freshly baked.Just came out of the oven.
他们就坐在那儿 And they are sitting there.
然后试验者正要走出去 说 And the experimenter is about to walk out,says,
"还有一件事" "just one more thing.
"如果你不介意的话 别碰这些甜菜根" If you don't mind,don't touch those beetroots.
"这是为了下一个试验准备的" 好 They are for the next experiment." OK.Fine.
你坐在那儿坐了十分钟 So you are sitting there for 10 minutes.
十分钟后 试验者进来了 10 minutes later,the experimenter comes in,
带你去参加"真正的"试验 takes you to the "real" experiment.
你坐下来做了跟之前那个一模一样的测试 Sitting down,you take the exact same test.
完全一样的谜题 The exact same puzzle.
然后再次看看 放弃测试之前你能坚持多久 And once again,how long will you persevere before giving up?
你们自己想一下 Think about for yourself for a second.
你们觉得哪一组能坚持得久一些 Who do you think persevered more?
巧克力脆饼组还是甜菜根组 The chocolate chip cookies group? Or the beetroots group?
你们自己想一下 Think for yourself for a second.
顺便说一下 我在回答这个问题时猜错了 By the way,I guessed wrong when I answered this question.OK.
有一组显著地坚持得更久 显著地更久 Significantly more perseverance- significantly more,
而不是细微差别 wasn't close-
甜菜根那组显著地坚持得更久 the group that had the beetroots persevered a lot more.
为什么 当时我也不理解 Why? I wouldn't understand.
这个机制... The mechanism-
他还做了些其他试验来解释这个机制 and he did some more experiment to explain the mechanism.
这是因为巧克力脆饼组 It's because the chocolate chip cookie group
已经用了自律来阻止自己动饼干 had used self-discipline not to touch the cookies,
虽然他们十分想碰它 though (inaudible) they really wanted to touch it.
但他们不能碰 所以他们已经用了那份自律了 But they couldn't.So they used their quota of self-discipline.
等他们去参加"真正的"试验时 And when they went into the "real" experiment,
他们就几乎不剩什么自律了 what happened was that they had little or no self-discipline left
而那个迷宫 那个试验 And that,that maze,that experiment,
那个测试需要大量的自律 that test required a lot of self-discipline.
这个研究所要告诉我们的是 The point of this study is
我们都只有有限量的自律 we all have limited amount of self-discipline.
问题在于我们将它用在了哪里 And the question is what do we used it on.
再问你们个问题 Another question for you.
在座有多少人 How many people here have,
确实制订过新年计划的? those of you who did set new year resolutions?
如果你们完成了每一个为自己 Put your hand up if you fulfilled every single one
制订的新年计划的 请举手 of the new year's resolutions that you ever set for yourself.
举起手来 Put your hand up.
每一个新年计划 Every single new year's resolution,
如果你确实制订过的话 if you did set new year resolutions.
请举高点 好吧 我显然没有 A bit higher,please.Well,I certainly didn't.
我还想问个问题 But here's another question for you.
在座有多少人... 这个问题很重要 How many people here...this is an important question,
所以如果你的答案是肯定的 一定要举手 so please,please put your hand up if the answer is affirmative.
在座有多少人今天早上刷了牙 How many people here brush their teeth this morning?
举高你们的手 很高兴看到这个结果 Put your hand up high.Phew! I'm glad to see this.
你们可以课后找我聊聊 You can all talk to me after,real close.
让我来想像一下今早上的场景吧 So let me just imagine what happened this morning,this scenario.
你早上起床 十分疲倦 So you got up in the morning.You were tired.
然后你对自己说 And then you said to yourself,
"好 就是今天 就是今天" "OK,today is the day.Today is the day.
"我要去做 我今天早上要刷牙" I am going to do it! I am going to brush my teeth this morning!"
对吗 你起床后真正给你动力的 Right? And to really motivate you as you got out of bed :
我就来了 我就来刷牙了 Here I come now! I mean,here I come to brush...
你也刷牙对吧 就是今天 And you brush your teeth,right? Today is the day!
因为今天我要上课 我要刷牙 Because I have 1504! I'm going to brush my teeth!
不 当然不是这样 Yes! No,of course not.
你滚下床 几乎睁不开眼 You know,you rolled off the bed- you know,barely alive.
你可能都不记得你刷了牙 You probably don't remember you brushed your teeth,
因为你还是像梦游一样 because you were asleep still.
为什么 为什么所有人 You know why? Why did everyone,
我觉得所有人今天早上都刷了牙 I think,I hope everyone brush their teeth this morning,
而没有人 六百个学生里没有一个 whereas no one,no one person out of more than 600 students
实现了他们的新年计划 为什么 fulfilled their new year's resolutions? Why?
因为新年计划依赖于自律 Because new year resolutions rely on self-discipline.
而刷牙是例行公事 Brushing our teeth relies on a ritual.
我们每天都做 几乎是自动的 We do it everyday.It's automatic.
这就是例行公事 我们都知道刷牙很重要 Now there are rituals- we know brushing our teeth is important.
如果不刷牙别人就不会跟我们说话 People won't talk to us if we don't.
但我们也知道锻炼很重要 But we also know that physical exercise is very important.
而世界上许多人 And yet most people in the world,
不是就哈佛来说 而是整个世界 not at Harvard,but in the world,
不做锻炼 并为此付出了很大的代价 don't do physical exercise and pay very high price for it.
我经常感到惊讶 You know it always amazed me
当别人夸我有不可思议的自律时 when people used to comment on my incredible self-discipline
那时我还是个壁球运动员 when I was a squash player.
这经常让我很惊讶 It always amazed me
因为我不觉得我是一个有自律的人 because I don't see myself as a person with self-discipline.
我们家是没有巧克力脆饼的 You know we don't have chocolate chip cookies at home.
即使有也会被Tommy藏起来 And if we do,Tommy hides them.
因为如果有 它们两分钟后就会消失 Because if there were,they would disappear two minutes later.
在这些方面我的自律为零 Zero self-discipline when it comes to these things.
但对于壁球 我确实... 人们觉得 And yet,with squash,I did have,well people thought
我也这么觉得了好多年 ---我很自律 and what I thought for many years- self-discipline.
因为我早上很早起床去跑步 Because I would get up in the morning and go for my run.
然后去学校 放学之后直接去球场 I would then go to school and after school,straight to the court
和教练进行训练 常规训练 have a session with my coach- regular session with my coach,
然后打比赛 然后如你所见 then play games,matches,and then as you can see,
去健身房健身 went to the gym and worked out.
每一天都是这样 Every single day.
然后回家 做作业 上床睡觉 And I went home,did my homework and went to bed.
这是例行公事 这正是运动员所做的 例行公事 It was a ritual.That is what athletes do: they have rituals,
所以他们才能保持 which is why they are able to maintain
从外界看来似乎是很高水平的自律 what seems from the outside,such high levels of discipline,
有时甚至是非常人的 at times superhuman's.
但不是这样 这些是例行公事 It's not.It's rituals.
Jim Loehr和Tony Schwartz说 Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz:
"建立例行公事需要定义精确的行为" "Building rituals requires defining very precise behaviors
"并在特定的时间执行它们" and performing them at very specific times —
"以深深扎根的价值观为动力" motivated by deeply held values."
举一些个人例子 Let me give you some personal examples.
锻炼 深深扎根在我心中的价值观 Physical exercise deeply held value for me.
一直都是 尤其现在我知道了这个研究 Has always been,and especially now when I know the research,
关于锻炼的数据 the data on physical exercise.
所以我有件例行公事 So I have a ritual:
每周跑三次步 每次30到40分钟 three times a week,for 30 and 40 minutes,I run.
之后我就做伸展练习 After that,after that,do my stretching.
我知道瑜伽和冥想对我有多重要 I know how important yoga and meditation is for me.
这对我来说是例行公事 I have a ritual and I do it.
早上醒来第一件事 深呼吸几次 First thing when I wake up in the morning,a few deep breaths-
假期回来后我们会更详细地讲到 We'll talk about it more after break.
这是例行公事 It's a ritual.
我每次来讲课 Every time when I teach here,
每次站在观众前面之前 我都会去跑步 every time when I get up in front of the audience,I run before.
今天早上我跑了步 This morning,I ran.
周二时我加倍努力地跑 On Tuesday,I ran twice as hard.
为什么 因为这可以缓解压力 这能帮助我 Why? Because it releases anxiety.It helps me.
总体来说是这样 对于教这堂课则更是 Globally,generally and specifically for the class.
我还有个很重要的价值观 我和我妻子的关系 Another very important value for me: my wife- our relationship.
看到这电影了吗 《全民情敌》 很好看的电影 See the movie? Hitch? Fantastic movie.
这对我来说非常重要 It's a very important value for me.
因此我和我妻子有例行公事 And therefore,my wife and I have rituals.
每周例行的两次约会 And we have two ritual dates a week.
当别人听说这个时 他们说 Now when people hear it,they say,
"拜托 那爱的真情流露呢" "Come on! where is the spontaneity of love?"
对于我们在约会中所做的事 Well,there is a lot of spontaneity in terms of
确实有自发的真情流露 what we do during these dates.
但约会的时间次数是定好的 But the dates are set in stone.
如果我或我妻子出差旅游 And if I'm travelling or my wife is travelling,
错过了约会 那我们就之后再补上 we miss the date,we make up for it after.
为什么 因为如果没有这件例行公事 Why? Because if we didn't have this ritual,
我们就不是每周而是每十年两次约会了 then we have two dates a decade,as opposed to a week.
我们共有的价值观就是我们的爱情 And a deeply held value for both of us is our relationship.
在现代社会 In our modern world,
我们的时代中有许多相互冲突的需求 there are so many conflicting demands in our time.
例行公事不但很重要 它们也是必需的 Rituals are not just important- they are absolutely necessary.
如果我们要做对我们重要的 If we are to do the things that are important for us,
我们所关心的事 that we care about.
别的例行公事的例子 写感谢信 Other examples of rituals: writing a thank you note.
每周一次 每月一次 去拜访别人 Once a week,once a month.Making a gratitude visit.
每月一次 或者每两个月一次 Once a month,once a month,once every two months.
把感恩变成一件日常的事 Doing the gratitude exercise on a daily basis.
这些是我们可以建立的例行公事 These are rituals that we can introduce
并且确实有很重要的影响 and can actually make an important difference.
我们也有例行的全家一起吃的晚餐 We also have ritual dinners with the family as a whole.
每个安息日晚餐 周五的晚餐 So every shabbat dinner,Friday night dinner,
都要全家人一起吃 we have together with the family.
这是件例行公事 是件很好的例行公事 It's a ritual.It's a wonderful ritual.
每周我们都能聚一聚 During the week,we also have dates when we are together,
因为家庭对我们来说是重要的价值观 because family is an important value to us.
有时 比如说 Now sometimes,for example,
因为旅行或者别的原因 打破了例行公事 because of travel or other reasons,rituals are broken.
那就之后再补上 Then you can make up for it later.
还有一些反面的例行公事 They can also be negative rituals.
三个小时不查邮箱 Three hour of not checking email.
我知道这很难 但这是很重要的例行公事 I know it's hard.But it's an important ritual.
我们会讲到总是查邮件的影响 And we'll talk about the effect of having our email on constantly
因为当我们持续和技术相连时 Because when we are constantly connected to technology,
就经常会与生活中重要的事脱节 we are often disconnected from the important things in our lives.
假期回来后我们会讲这个 We'll talk about that after break.
例行公事 建立例行公事 Rituals.Introduce rituals.
人们听到例行公事时的 One of the fears that people have
恐惧之一在于 他们会说 when they hear about rituals is they say
"这会降低我的生产力" "well that will take away from my productivity.
"就算不降低生产力 也会降低创造力" 并不是这样 And if not productivity,creativity." Not so.
事实恰好相反 In fact,the exact opposite is the case.
如果看看... 这是个历史性的研究 If you look,- yeah,this is a historical research-
如果看看那些伟大的艺术家 不管是作家 if you look at all the great artists,whether it's writers,
海明威 或者是达芬奇 the Hemingways,whether it's the Davincis-
他们生活中都有例行公事 they had a ritual in their life.
这例行公事就是 比方说 And the ritual was,for example,
"早上七点到十点 不论如何我都要写作" "from 7 to 10 am in the morning,I write,no matter what",
"晚上六点到十点 如果我习惯在夜里工作 我要画画" "6 to 10 at night- if I am more of a night person,I paint".
他们有例行公事 They had rituals.And
而正是因为这些例行公事 他们才能创造 it's because of these rituals that they were able to be creative.
因为那样他们就能专注于主题 Because then they could think about their subject materials
而不是万千使他们分心的事物 as opposed to million other things:
"也许我该干点别的" "Well,maybe I should be doing something else
"有些让我分心的东西" 不 有例行公事在 and there are other distractions"- no! There was a ritual.
我现在就该干这个 That's what I did now.
几乎无意识地就去做了 就像我们刷牙一样 Almost mindless getting there- just like we brush our teeth.
但一旦他们开始专注 就有了空间 But when they were there,there were space,
有了创造的空间 openness to be creative.
现在关键在于花时间来建立例行公事 Now the key is to give yourself time to create the ritual.
你可以看到 保持例行公事 You see,maintaining a ritual,
需要一定的自律 但并不多 requires some self-discipline,but not a lot.
建立例行公事需要大量自律 Creating a ritual requires a lot of self-discipline.
因为我们时常会回到旧习惯 Once again,because we go back to our old habits.
做个快速练习吧 Let's do a quick exercise.
抱起你们的双臂进行交叠 So I want you to just take your hands and just fold them.
交叠一会儿 Fold your hands for a minute.
好了 继续交叠双手 不过这次 Alright.Now continue folding your hands- only this time,
用不同的方式 in the opposite direction,
也就是这只手换到下面 这只换到上面 meaning this hand below and this hand above.
对 对 Yeah.Yeah.
我可以看到男生都不太懂 I see especially the men are not really getting it.
不过没关系 But it's OK.
感觉如何 不是很舒服对吧 Now how does that feel? Not comfortable right?
但这只是非常简单的一件事 Now this is such a simple movement.
交叠双手 You know,folding hands!
我们仍然能感觉到很不舒服 有点不对劲 And yet we feel very uncomfortable- something is wrong here.
我们想回到原来交叉双手的方式 And we want to go back to our folding before.
舒服多了 Much more comfortable.
我们塑造习惯 习惯反过来塑造我们 We first make our habits and then our habits make us.OK.
所以关键在于 So the key is,
我们这还只是做了很小的改变 -交叠双手 here we are talking about a very simple change- folding hands.
那要改变那些我们养成了许多年 How much more difficult is it
对我们的生活更重要的习惯 when we have had habits that we cultivated for many years
会有多么难呢 and are much more significant in our lives?
要改变它们非常困难 这需要时间 Very difficult to go...to change them.It takes time.
William James 我之前提到过 William James,as I mentioned before,
说改变习惯需要21天 says it takes 21 days to change a habit.
Loehr和Schwartz在他们的《精力管理》一书中 Loehr and Schwartz in their book,The Power of Full Engagement,
说需要三十天 talk about 30 days to change it.
当然要看要改变的习惯是什么 And of course it depends on what habit.
给自己三十天开始学会感恩 So give ourselves 30 days to start the gratitude.
给自己三十天 Give ourselves 30 days
来建立经常锻炼的例行公事 to build the new ritual of exercising regularly.
关键在于 And the key is
每三十天内不要建立超过两件例行公事 to give yourself no more than one or two rituals each 30 days.
为什么 因为正如我们之前说的 Why? Because as we mentioned earlier,
建立例行公事需要大量自律 it takes a lot of self-discipline to create a ritual
而我们的自律是有限的 and we don't have much self-discipline,
这也就是为什么我们今天列出十项 which is why when we have a list of 10 changes that
想要做出的改变 但最终什么也没变 we want to introduce in our lives today,we end up doing none.
最终什么也没变 We end up doing none.
因为我们过度消耗了自律 Because we are over-extending our self-discipline
最终崩溃了 and we break down.
开始一件例行公事需要大量自律 It takes a lot of discipline to start a ritual,
但一旦开始 当一个月后它已成为习惯 but once we start it,after a month when it's habituated,
已经铭心刻骨 神经通路已经建立时 when it's grooved in,when the neural pathway has begun to form,
我们就可以建立下一件例行公事了 then we can move onto the next ritual and introduce it,
如果准备好了的话 if we are ready.
不要超过两个 最好是一个 No more than two.Ideally one ritual.
下周你们交的论文中 Next week in your response paper,
就要选择一样例行公事 you are going to choose a ritual,
这个月的两件 two rituals for this month that hopefully you will,
你们可以写一下 you will also introduce.
因为没有行为变化 也就不会有改变 Because there cannot be change without behavioral change.
Loehr和Schwartz说 Loehr and Schwartz:
"逐步的改变好过雄心勃勃的失败" "Incremental change is better than ambitious failure.
"成功建立在成功之上" 可以从个人水平上看到 Success feeds on itself." We see it on individual level.
可以在组织水平上看到 We see it on organizational level.
商学院的John Carter做了很多努力 John Carter from the business school does a lot of work on change
来改变领导层的架构 in organizations in the realm of leadership.
他经常说你需要小的成功 What he talks about a lot is how you need small successes
然后逐渐积累成最终的成功 and then build them these successess.
达赖喇嘛说"唯有长期坚持和熟悉" The Dalai Lama:"There isn't anything that isn't made easier
"方能使事情变得容易" through constant familiarity and training.
"通过训练我们可以改变 可以重塑自我" Through training we can change; we can transform ourselves."
你们知道 You know,
我还在读大学时发生过一件事 one thing that happened to me when I was an undergraduate.
是在我大二的那年 It happened in my sophomore year.
我没有... 我当时在校队 I didn't...I played at the Varsity team.
没有在赛季里有很好的表现 Didn't have a good season.
我的大二简直一塌糊涂 还受伤了 My sophomore year was burned out- got injured.
我迫不及待地等三月一日 And couldn't wait for the 1st of March.
三月一日是...有时是三月二日 March 1 is the last,and March 2 sometimes,
是赛季的最后一天 is the last day of the season.
我迫不及待等那一天是因为那之后 And I couldn't wait,because after that
我就可以不打壁球 专心学习了 I could stop playing squash and focus on my studies.
我就可以做很多事 因为打壁球时 Then I could get a lot of work done- because with squash,
在球场上每天都要训练 we were at the courts,you know trained physically for two hours
两到三小时 but total three hours a day.
周末我们经常要外出或在这里打比赛 Weekends- we were travelling mostly or had matches at home.
早上 每周至少两个早晨 Mornings- at least two mornings a week
我们要健身或者举重 we were lifting weights or in the gym.
这很难捱 积了一大堆作业 So it was rough.A lot of work
我等不及获得没有壁球的自由 and I said I can't wait to have the freedom without squash,
尤其是当时我还不是那么爱打壁球 especially giving that I wasn't enjoying that much at that point.
等不及不再打壁球 专注于我的学习 Can't wait.Not to do anymore and just to focus on my classes.
追上阅读 写作之类的进度 Catch up on all the readings and writings and stuff.
三月一号到来了 我彻底不再打球 March 1 came.I stopped playing completely.
但与高效学习相反 And instead of becoming more productive.
我反而效率变低很多 I became far less productive.
我看到你们很多人点头 Now I see a lot of you nodding.
运动员们肯定都有同感 The athletes know what I am talking about.
为什么 我的效率取决于什么 Why? Why did I become more,or rather less productive?
拖延 哇! 突然升高 Procrastination- wow! Skyrocketed.
为什么 因为许多年来大家都跟我说 Why? Because for years I've been told
我是一个自律的人 I'm a person with self-discipline.
而我也开始相信这一点 And I started to believe it.
对 我确实很自律 Yeah,I have a lot of self-discipline.
看看我 我刻苦地训练 训练 Look at me! I trained so hard.I worked,you know,
每天像杂耍一样地训练六个小时 when I played on the circus six hours a day.
那可是非常的自律啊 That's a lot of self-discipline!
然而突然间 壁球赛季结束了 And suddenly,the squash season ended.
我说"好吧 看看这自律的作用吧!" And I said,"alright,let's see this discipline at work!"
但我却什么也没做成 And I wasn't getting any work done.
为什么 因为我的例行公事被打破了 Why? Because I gave up my rituals.
在赛季中 你们那些 You see,during the season,those of you
在校队的 或是投身于音乐或社团的就知道 who played varsity or very involved in music or club know that-
当你在特定组织里投入很多时 when you are investing a lot in a certain organization,
你的时间必须例行化 your time has to be ritualized.
那样你就知道你在什么时候该训练 或学习 So you know you are in practice then or you are ?
或者什么时候该开会 in these hours,or you are having meetings at these hours.
那之后你就回去学习 And after that you have to go back and work.
因为你只有两个小时 Because you only have two hours to do.
而你又想睡个还算安稳的觉 And you want to get an OK night sleep.
你有这样的例行日程 就会高效并具有创造力 You have rituals.And you are productive and you are creative.
突然之间这些例行公事都消失了 And suddenly the rituals go away.
你说"好了 现在我要更努力学习了" You said,"OK now I'm gonna work more".
但恰好相反的事出现了 因为我们只有有限的... The exact opposite happens.Because we have a limited amount...
直到我意识到 It was only when I came to terms of fact
我的自律是有限的 这个事实之后 that I have a limits amount of self-discipline.
直到我明白人类本性... It's only when I came to terms with the human nature-
本性就应该被遵循 nature should be commanded must be obeyed.
那时我才真正开始变得高效率 It was only then that I actually became productive.
因为那之后我又建立了新的例行公事 Because I created new rituals in my life after that.
例行公事 非常重要且有意义 Rituals- very important and significant.
做出持久改变的唯一方法 The only way for lasting change.
现在来谈谈认知吧 首字母C的这个词 Let me talk about cognition now.The C.
我们已经谈过情感 也谈过行为 So we talked about affect- the emotions; we talked about behavior
谈过它有多重要 既是剧烈的也是逐渐的 how important that is both acute and gradual.
接下来让我们来谈谈认知 Let's talk about cognition.
再次谈谈认知重建 We'll talk again about cognitive reconstruction
也是造成改变的渐进方式 which is the gradual way of bringing about change.
然后我们再谈谈造成改变的快捷方式 And then we'll talk about the fast way of bringing about change,
也就是"有了!"的体验 灵光乍现的一刻 which is the Eureka experience,the ah ha moment.
首先 认知重建 So first,cognitive reconstruction.
正如之前说过的 诠释是一种神经通路 As we mentioned before,an interpretation is a neural pathway.
如果我像个消极者一样诠释世界 If I interpret the world as a fault finder,
我大脑里的神经通路就会是消极的 the fortified neural pathway in my brain are the negative ones,
生活中的体验 these in experience
我就会消极地进行诠释 and I go immediately to the negative interpretation
然后随时间不断加强 and that gets reinforced over time.
如果我是个积极者 对相同的经历 If I'm a merit finder,I would look the exact same experiences
就会有非常不同的诠释 and interpret them very differently.
因为我大脑中的神经通路就非常不同 Because I have very different neural pathways in the brain.
当然了 Of course,
我们如何诠释经历是有不同结果的 there are consequences to how we interpret our experiences.
不一定会有最好的结果 Not necessarily that things happen for the best,
但作为积极者 抱歉我换了个说法 but as a merit,as a benefit finder- sorry,I change that.
作为积极者 更能看到 As a benefit finder,looking more at the,
每段人生经历中积极的方面 at the positive with each experience.
回忆一下同卵双胞胎的研究 Now remember the study on the identical twins
以及其中基因到底有多大影响 and how much genes actually matter.
那只能解释55%的差异 That only account for 55% of the variance.
这是很多心理学入门教材中会提到的故事 So here is the story that's told in many intro to psych textbooks
是关于双胞胎 在同个家庭中长大 And it's about twins who were raised in a same home
他们的父亲对他们及其妻子都很暴力 and their father was abusive toward them,toward their mother.
他经常酗酒 吸毒 He was very often drunk,very often on drugs,
非常非常可怕的童年 所能想到的最悲惨的童年 and really an awful,awful childhood- the worst you can imagine.
这对双胞胎与父亲一起在这个家庭中长大 And these twins grow up in that home with that father.
然后他们离开了 离开家 And they go off.They leave their home,
从这个家里逃出去 然后到了三十岁 run away from home later on in life and they reach the age of 30.
在他们三十岁时 一个正在 And then at the age of 30,a psychologist
对双胞胎进行研究的心理学家拜访了他们 who is doing research on twins goes and visits them.
他先去找了双胞胎里的第一个 And he goes to the first twin.
他看到的是 这个孩子结婚了 And what he sees there: the twin is in a relationship.
虐待家人 经常酗酒 吸毒 He's abusing his family,very often drunk,very often on drugs.
然后心理学家终于找到他 Then the psychologist is able to find him in
有那么一刻清醒着 然后跟他说 a moment of soberness and says to the twin,
"怎么了 你在干什么 发生了什么" "what's going on? What are you doing? What's happening here?"
那个孩子知道 And the twin who knows
这心理学家在做关于基因的作用 that the psychologist is doing research on the effect of genes
以及成长环境的作用的研究 他说"你认识我父亲" and the effect of upbringing,says,"you know my father.
"你知道我经历了怎样的童年" You know the kind of childhood that I endured.
"你还想让我变成怎么样呢" How do you expect me to be any other way?"
那个知道成长环境的作用的心理学家耸了耸肩 And the psychologist who knows the effect of upbringing shrugs.
然后他去找了双胞胎里的第二个 And then he goes to the second twin.
第二个孩子和第一个孩子正好是 The second twin happens to be at the exact same age
一样的年纪 as the first one.
他去找了第二个孩子 也是三十岁 He goes to the second twin- also 30 years old,
他走进他家 不敢相信自己的眼睛 walks into the house and cannot believe his eyes.
如此和谐 如此平静 如此充满爱 Such peace.Such equanimity.Such love.
充盈在他和他妻子 以及他孩子之间 Between him and his wife,and the kids.
他事业有成 家庭美满 He's doing well in his career,doing well with his family.
他后来过了段时间再去找他 因为这可能只是个巧合 He comes back again after a while- see maybe there was a fluke;
也许他只是装出来的 但不是 这是真的 maybe he's putting on a show,but no- it's the real thing.
事业有成 家庭美满 Phenomenal family life.Phenomenal professional life.
他找到这孩子 难以置信地问"为什么" And he goes to him and says,in disbelief,"how?"
这个孩子也知道他的研究内容 他说 Now the twin also knows that he's doing research and he says,
"什么'为什么' 你认识我父亲的" "what do you mean 'how'? You know my father.
"你知道我是怎么长大的 你知道他对我们做了什么" You know how I was raised.You know what he did to us.
"你还想让我变成怎么样呢" How do you expect me to be any other way?
"我知道他对我们的伤害有多深" I know how much he hurt us.
"你还想让我变成他那样吗" How do you expect me to be any other way like him?"
同样的经历 同卵双胞胎 同样的基因 Same experiences.Monozygotic twins.Same genes.
迥然相异的诠释 一个延续了 Radically different interpretation: one continuing the hell
他儿时的地狱 另一个则创造了天堂 that he endured as a child; the other creating a heaven.
都是因为诠释的不同 All because of interpretation.
应该怎么做 我别无选择 What do you do with it? Well,I have no choice.
我就是这样长大的 This is the way I was raised.
那就是榜样 被动的受害者说 This is the model- passive victim.
另一个则是 我不要变成这样 The other- I'm not going to be like that.
我不要像我父亲那样 主动的创造者 I'm not going to be like my father- active agent.
这都是因为诠释的不同 So much of it is a matter of interpretation.
快乐 幸福 正如我们之前多次提到的 Happiness,wellbeing,as we mentioned many times before,
并不那么依赖外部的条件 is not so much contingent on external circumstances,
不在于我们的地位 not so much contingent on our status
或是银行账户的状况 or the status of our bank account.
而是在于我们内心的想法 It's contingent on our state of mind.
你们必须记住的是 The thing that you'll remember though is that
很不幸 幸福是没有捷径的 there are no shortcuts unfortunately.
很不幸没有简便的方法 There are no quick fixes unfortunately.
如果有 我保证我会告诉你们的 If there were,I promise you I would've told you.
如果我下周找到条捷径 If I find out next week about a shortcut,
即便是在春假之后 你们一定会收到我的邮件的 even if it's over spring break,you'll get an email from me.
但我不觉得会有的 通常 But I don't think there are.And very often,
寄希望于找到捷径通常导致更多的不快乐 the hope of finding a quick fix leads to more unhappiness.
举几个认知重建的例子 Here are some examples of cognitive reconstruction.
这是由Tomaka进行的研究 This is work done by Tomaka on
关于我们将活动视为挑战还是威胁 whether we perceive activity as a challenge or as a threat.
因为对同一种活动 Because we can perceive the exact same activity
我们可以从认知上重建对其的理解 and cognitively reconstruct our understanding of it.
我给你们举个例子 So let me give you an example.
当我... 被剑桥拒掉之后 When I,after being thrown out of Cambridge,
我当时申请了博士项目 I applied for PHD programs.
这里是我申请的其中一个地方 One of the programs I applied to is here.
我很希望能入选 I was hoping to get in.
我进来之后 我想回来是因为总体来说 And when I got in,I wanted to come back,because overall,
在这里读大学时我挺开心的 I had a very good experience here as an undergrad,
即便有很多困难和困扰 with all the difficulties and hardship,
我仍然很愉快 很想回来 I was glad,wanting to be back.
在我进来之后 And when I got in,
我突然开始有点担心了 you know suddenly I became a little bit concerned.
因为我说 Because I said-
我大学时经历了很多焦虑 you know I experienced a lot of anxiety as an undergrad.
大学时经历了很多焦虑 A lot of anxiety as an undergrad.
我说 我不想再过那样的生活了 And I said,I don't want to relive that again.
也许我应该去点别的地方 Maybe I should go else where.
然后我回过头来 说 And then I turned around and I said,
"好吧 哈佛不是对我的冷静心态的威胁" "OK.Instead of looking at Harvard as a threat,to me,to my calm.
"相反我要把它当成一次挑战" I'm going to look at it as a challenge."
这挑战变得很明确 And my challenge became explicitly-
我在日记里这样写 I mean I wrote it in my journal,
明确地想过并写下来 wrote about it,thought about it explicitly.
我博士的六年里 目标是要保持冷静 My goal over the six years that I got my PHD was to maintain calm
因为我对自己说 "如果我能在哈佛保持冷静" Because I said to myself,"if I can maintain calm at Harvard,
"就可以在任何地方保持冷静" I can maintain calm anywhere."
然后我朝着这个目标努力 非常努力 And I worked on it.I really worked on it.
这确实变成了挑战 而正是这个改变使我 And it became a challenge and just that change helped me
从在这里的研究生经历获得了更多 get so much more out of my experience here as a graduate student.
即便遇到困难 Even through the hardships,
各种各样的挫折失败 以及焦虑 the generals and the failures,and the anxiety.
但总体来说 还是很好的经历 But overall- a much better experience.
我最近也做了这样的事 Recently I just did it.
有时我刚下课就会去别的地方 So you know,once in a while I travel right after class.
三周前我去了佛罗里达 So three weeks ago,I travelled to Florida.
在那里进行了一次重要的谈话 And I have a very important talk there
是和一家我非常想进的公司 with the company that I really wanted to work with.
那是我的第一次会谈 是我梦寐以求的公司 It was my first event there.Company that I cared about.
我觉得这家公司做的事很不错 And I think it is doing fantastic things around the world
我非常希望能够顺利 and I really want it to do well.
在谈话之前我非常焦虑 And I felt a lot of anxiety before that talk.
然后我对它进行了认知重建 And I cognitively reconstructed it.
我说"好吧 这确实让人很焦虑" I said,"OK.It's anxiety inducing,
"准许自己为人" permission to be human experience,
"把它当成一次挑战" but let's look at it as a challenge."
我有这么好的机会能和 That I have this wonderful opportunity to speak
这么棒的公司 这么棒的人对话 to such a great company,such wonderful people.
我一定得好好珍惜 I'm going to make the best of it.
将它从威胁转化为挑战 转化为机会 Turned it from a threat into a challenge,into opportunity.
这对我起到了极大的影响 And that made a big difference in my approach to it.
想想你们自己 Think about as in your life.
有没有这样的事 是你要打的一场比赛吗? What is it? Is it a play you want to try out for?
是你想约出去的人吗 是在公众面前说话吗 Is it someone you want to ask out? Is it speaking up in section?
这有个学心理学1或者 This is a study those
心理学15的同学会学到的研究 who take Psych 1 or Psych 15 have encountered that,
由Schachter和Singer在60年代早期做的 the work of Schachter & Singer,back in early 60s.Today
今天伦理道德委员会肯定不会批准的 it would never be able to get this past the ethics committee.
就像Milgram的研究肯定不会被批准一样 Just like Milgram wouldn't be able to get his study passed.
他们所做的实验如下 Here was what they did.
他们让人们参与实验 So they brought people into the experiment
给他们注射肾上腺素 and injected them with epinephrine.
肾上腺素可以使机体兴奋 Epinephrine arouses the body.
注射肾上腺素 It...shots of adrenaline.
但受试者以为打的只是维生素C But they thought it was just vitamin C.
他们不知道这是肾上腺素 They didn't know it's epinephrine.
然后他们就坐着 And then they were sitting in the experiment,
等待"真正的"实验 waiting again for the "real" experiment.
他们坐在休息室里 They were sitting in the waiting room.
正当他们等着时 And while they were sitting
试验者要求他们填一份调查问卷 they were asked to fill out a questionnaire.
记住他们刚被注射了肾上腺素 Now remember,they just got a shot of adrenaline,
但他们并不知道被注射了肾上腺素 but they didn't know they got a shot of adrenaline.
于是他们就坐着填调查问卷 So they were sitting,filling in a questionnaire.
在第一种条件下 And in the first condition,
问卷里有很刺激性的题目 the questionnaire had very provocative questions,
可以这样说 to say the least.
比如说 其中有一道是这样的 For example,one of these questions was so
"你妈妈和你爸爸结婚前 "how many men did your mom sleep with
和多少男人上过床" before she got married to your dad?"
这是问卷的其中一道... That's one of the que...You know
他们的研究放在今天一定不会被批准的 they would never be able to get away with this study today,
但那是在六十年代 所以他们填了调查问卷 but you know,back in the 60s.So they were answering this.
而在他们旁边 旁边有一个同谋者 Now next to them,next to them,there is a confederate-
他们不知道他是实验的一部分 someone who they don't know is part of the study.
而这个人暴跳如雷 And this guy is going ballistic.
"他们怎么敢这么问" 非常非常生气 "How dare they" You know...Really getting angry.
于是你也变得很生气 And you get angry too.
你甚至比对照组更加愤怒 And you get even angrier than the control group
对照组经历了同样的事 who went through the exact same thing,
但他们并未注射肾上腺素 except for the fact that they didn't get the injection.
所以受试者看到自己 So what they did was they looked,
看到自己的机体非常兴奋 they saw their bodies is getting very aroused
而他们将这种兴奋诠释为"噢 我一定是太愤怒了" and they interpreted this arousal as "oh I must be really angry".
而他们确实变得更愤怒了 比原本应该愤怒的程度更高 And they really did get,even angrier than they would have.
对照组也很愤怒 They got angry in the control group as well
但没有那些注射了肾上腺素的那么愤怒 but less angry than those who were injected the epinephrine.
而第二种条件下 同样接受了注射 Now second condition.Also injected.
做了个没有什么刺激性问题的问卷 Had a questionnaire without any provocative questions.
他们旁边也坐了个同谋者 And next to them there was again a confederate,
他们也以为他是来做实验的 whom they thought was also doing the experiment.
这个同谋者偶然发现 And that confederate found by happenstance,
地上有个呼啦圈 然后就开始摇呼啦圈 a hula hoop on the floor and started to shake it.
跳啊摇啊... You know,dance and...
接着就有点疯狂了 他们很高兴 都在笑 You know it was going crazy- they are happy and laughing.
而刚被注射了肾上腺素的人变得很疯狂 And the person who was just injected epinephrine went wild.
十分欢腾愉悦 比对照组快乐多了 So happy and joyous- much more happy than the control group,
对照组也和摇呼啦圈的人共处一室 who were in the room with a person dancing with a hula hoop,
只是没有注射肾上腺素 but did not get the injection.
也就是说 他把肾上腺素的升高诠释为 In other words,he interpreted the raising in adrenaline
"噢 我一定是太开心了" 而他们确实变开心了 "Oh I must be really happy now".And they were really happier.
换句话说 经常都是由于诠释的不同 在这个试验中 In other words,very often it's the interpretation- in this case,
对某种生理症状的诠释 决定了我们的感觉 of a physical symptom that determines what we will feel.
愉悦或愤怒 因为它们非常相似 Joy or anger.Because they are quite similar.
两者都涉及肾上腺素的急剧升高 In both of them,there is an adrenaline rush.
所以我们是怎样把一个情况诠释为兴奋 So how do we interpret a situation as an arousal or,
或者愉悦 或者愤怒的呢? as euphoria or as anger?
这里还有另一个研究 Here's another study.
是由Lee Ross及他的同事做的 This is done by Lee Ross and his colleagues.
他们邀请大学生... 他来自斯坦福 They asked people,college students- he's from Stanford-
大学生说出他们最慷慨 college students to volunteer their most generous,
最善心的朋友 以及他们最好胜 benevolent friends to name them and their most competitive,
最凶狠的朋友 然后告知他们是谁 cut-throat friends and tell them who they are.
然后他们联系这些人作为实验的一部分 And they contacted them to be part of the study.
他们想知道的是在一个可以选择合作 And what they wanted to see was their behavior in a situation
也可以选择竞争的游戏中 他们的行为是怎样的 in a game where you can cooperate or you can be competitive.
所做的干预是将这些学生 The intervention was that these students,
随机地分为两组 randomly divided into two groups.
在这两组中 And in the two groups,
有被认为很好胜的人 there were people who were deemed very competitive
也有被认为很慷慨大方的人 or people who were deemed very generous and benevolent.
在另一个组中 And in the second group,
也是一样 一半人慷慨大方 same thing- half of the people were very generous and benevolent;
另一半人非常好胜凶狠 half of the people were very,very competitive and cut-throat,
至少他们的朋友是这样觉得的 as perceived by their friends.
第一组要玩一个游戏 这游戏叫做 And in the first group,they got a game and the game was called
"社区游戏" "the community game".
第二组也要玩一模一样的游戏 And the second group got the exact same game,the game
游戏中你可以合作也可以竞争 where you have the opportunity either to cooperate or to compete.
但不叫做社区游戏 But instead of a community game,
即便是一模一样的 even though it was the exact same game,
相反被叫做了"街头游戏"（比较暴力的游戏总称） it was called "Wall Street game".
他们想看看有多少人会合作 And they wanted to see how many people cooperate versus
有多少人会竞争 how many people compete.
他们也想看看是什么决定了这选择 And they wanted to see what predicts it.
不论这些学生 受试者 Well,whether the kids,the participants,
是被认为合作性或者竞争性的 都和结果没关系 were deemed cooperative or competitive,predicted nothing.
毫无关系 他们是选择竞争还是合作 Nothing.Whether or not they would compete or cooperate.
真正决定一切的是 What predicted everything was whether
他们玩的是"社区游戏"还是"华尔街游戏" they were in the "community game" or in the "Wall Street game".
如果他们玩的是"社区游戏" If they were in the "community game",
他们更倾向于合作 they were much more likely to cooperate.
如果他们玩的是"华尔街游戏" If they were in the "Wall Street game",
不论他们是慷慨善良 whether they were generous,benevolent,
还是好胜凶狠 or cut-throat,competitive,
都会更倾向于凶狠而具竞争性 they were much more likely to be cut-throat and competitive.
换句话说 如何表述一个境况 In other words,how we frame a situation-
"社区"或"华尔街" 会起到很大的作用 community,Wall Street- can make all the difference.
威胁 机会 也许也正是如此 Threat,opportunity- maybe the exact same thing.
我们如何表述决定了所有区别 How we frame it can make all the difference.
这个实验是由... (部分丢失) This is a study done by one...(part missing)...the quest.
一个很重要的问题在于 A very important question which is
我们如何提高志愿者精神 不管在哈佛还是别的地方 how can we raise the level of volunteerism,at Harvard and beyond
她想到的一个很棒的答案就是 And the wonderful answer that she came up with is
使学生们及社会上的人 let's get students as well as people in society at large to
重新审视志愿工作 reframe how we look at volunteering,
不要把它当成义务 我必须做的事 rather than as duty,something I have to do.
为什么不能将它视为一种荣幸呢 Why don't I look at it as a privilege?
我很荣幸能帮助别人 这确实是种荣幸 I have the privilege of helping.And it is a real privilege.
还记得对善良的研究吗 Remember the study on kindness?
幸福的最大来源之一 One of the best interventions for wellbeing.
给予和帮助确实是种荣幸 It is a real privilege to give,to help.
如果人们这样重新审视 And when people reframe this,
他们就会更愿意做志愿者 they are much more likely to volunteer.
这对抚养孩子有意义 This has implications for child rearing.
当然 对教育也有意义 This has implications,of course,for education.
对社会整体有意义 It has implications for society as a whole.
这是我即将深入讨论的一个话题 This is a topic I am going to talk about a lot.
我会花很多时间讨论情感关系 I am going to dedicate much time when we discuss relationships.
不过先简要地提提 这个理解改变了 But just very briefly,this understanding for me transformed,
真的改变了我和我妻子的关系 literally transformed my relationship with my wife.
它改变了 It transformed...
它正在改变我和我朋友的关系 It is transforming my relationship with my friends,
以及我的学生和同事 as well as students and colleagues.
我们卷入一段关系 You see,we go into a relationship.
大多数人觉得情感关系的重要之处在于 Most people think that important thing about relationship
我们可以得到认可 有人能在背后做支柱 is that we are validated,as we get pads on our back.
这在我们的关系中确实是重要的 Now that's important in our relationship.
得到认可很重要 在任何关系中都是如此 Surely important to be validated in any relationship,
不管是师生之间 朋友之间 whether it's with students/teacher,whether it's with friends,
当然也在爱人之间 certainly in romantic relationship.
但是David Schnarch想说的是 However,what David Schnarch talks about is that primarily
如果我们想要长期的 成功的 健康的 if we want long-term,successful,thriving,
有激情的关系 那首要目标 passionate relationships,the first objective,
最基本的目标是通过关系被了解 the primary objective is to go into relationship to be known.
被了解 而不是得到认可 To be known,rather than to be validated,
也就是说 你想着 meaning going in there and saying
"我的伙伴如何才能更了解我呢" "OK so how can my partner get to know me even better?"
当然了 要循序渐进 Doing it gradually of course.
在第一次约会上 你肯定不会想说出所有秘密 On the first date,you don't want to reveal all your secrets.
循序渐进 Doing it gradually.
想着这一点 慢慢地敞开心扉 You know,thinking about it,but opening up more and more.
能够逐渐逐渐敞开心扉的夫妇更能够 And couples who over time open up more and more are able to
维持他们的关系以及激情 sustain the relationship as well as their passion,over time.
我还会就此讲得更多 And again,I am going to talk about much more...
我会用至少两节课来讲情感关系 I am going to devote two classes at least to relationships.
这将是 This is going to be
成功的长期关系的中流砥柱之一 one of the central pillars of successful long-term relationships.
对于学生 也是一样适用 Also with the students,the same applies.
我刚开始教书时 You know when I initially started to teach,
我非常希望得到学生的认可 I really wanted the validation from the students.
我如何能使学生觉得我是个好老师呢 So how can I have my students perceive me as a good teacher?
我希望他们喜欢我 I want them to like me.
这对每个人来说都很重要 And you know,that's important for everyone.
我们都希望被喜欢 We all like to be liked.
但当我转换注意力 对 However,when I switched my focus- and yeah,
我仍然希望被喜欢 I still want to be liked-
但我主要的注意力在于我希望学生了解我 but my main focus is I want my students to know me.
我希望他们了解我对这世界 I want them to know the topic
最有兴趣和激情的事物 that I'm most passionate about in the world.
这确实改变了我很多 不再是得到认可 也就是说 That really changed a lot.It's no longer to be validated,i.e.
变得完美 而是作为一个人被了解 to appear perfect,but it was to be known as a human being,
当然了 准许自己为人 of course- permission to be human.
而这实际上大大地促进了我的教学 And that actually improved my teaching a great deal
我也更喜欢教课了 and I enjoyed it so much more.
因为我们之间的关系不再有那么大的压力 Because there is so much less pressure on us in a relationship,
不管是什么关系 只要我们抱着被了解的愿望 any relationship,when we go in with the intention of being known
重在表达而非使人记住 of expressing rather than impressing.
我们会如释重负 而更好的是 We can feel so much lighter.And the wonderful thing is,
这使得一段关系更健康 that it also makes the relationship so much healthier.
我还会讲得更多 因为这非常重要 But again,much more on it- because it is so important.
是非常重要的话题 我们经常讲这个 So important topic.We talked about this a lot.
我们如何理解失败 绊脚石? How do we perceive failure,as a stumbling block?
灾难? 还是作为一次机会 或成长的经历? A catastrophe? Or as an opportunity? As a growth experience?
这都会有很大的区别 And that can make all the difference.
春假之后我们会再学习 We'll talk about it after spring break
我们会讨论完美主义以及对失败的恐惧 when we discuss perfectionism and the fear of failure.
最后讲一下 And finally,
你们读到的Ali Crum和Ellen Langer做的研究 the study that you read by Ali Crum and Ellen Langer.
先给你们讲点这个研究的背景 So just give you a little bit background about the study
我会简要地提一提 希望你们都已经读过了 and I will briefly mention it,hopefully you've read it already.
Ali Crum从大一起就是我的学生 Ali Crum was my student for,since her freshman year.
我是她的助教 那时我和Phil Stone一起教学 I was her TF when I taught with Phil Stone.
然后我和Ellen Langer是她的毕业论文导师 And then I was her thesis advisor with Ellen Langer.
这是她的毕业论文题目 And this was the topic of her thesis.
当Ellen Langer提出这个想法时 When Ellen Langer came up with the idea for the thesis,
她告诉我和Ali and she told Ali and me
"我觉得这会是个有趣的研究" "this is what I think would be a very interesting study",
我在会后把Ellen叫到一边 I took Ellen aside after the study- after the meeting,
在Ali走了之后 after Ali went away.
我跟她说"Ellen我觉得这样不公平" And I told her "Ellen I don't think it's fair.
"我觉得让Ali用这个做毕业论文不太公平" I don't it's fair that Ali will do her thesis on it."
因为这是个非常困难的实验 Because the thesis is a very tough experiment-
如果你们没看过的话 一会儿就会听到了 you'll hear about it if you haven't read about it in a minute.
"就算我们花费她大量的时间 "If we take a lot of time from her,
"她也不会有任何成果" she's not going to get any results."
现在你们的毕业论文可以没有结果 Now you can write your senior thesis with getting no result,
没有成果也没关系 without getting a result,that's OK.
但我说"干嘛浪费她的时间呢" But I said,"why waste her time,her senior year?"
她跟我说"会有结果的" 我说"不会的" And she said to me,"will work." I said to her,"no it won't."
而最后真的有结果 And boy,did it work!
我从那时起就学会了不和Ellen Langer争辩 Now I've learned since not to argue with Ellen Langer
因为她总有你觉得不可能有结果的想法 because she has ideas that you would never think would work,
但他们确实很喜欢我们1979年的 but they do like the study we mentioned with the 1979
"回到1959"实验 或是那个视力测试 "I'm going back to 1959" or with the eye test,
只是飞行模拟器提升了你的视力 being simply in the flying simulator improves your eyesight.
就是这些看起来很无厘头的想法 她证明它们是正确的 Again,ideas that seem fantastic,but she proves them right.
这个研究也是如此 So the same happened here with this study.
这个实验是 Ali去到酒店 The study was Ali went to hotels
和酒店的清洁工一起工作 and worked with the ladies who were cleaning the hotels.
她分别去跟两组人一起工作 And she went to them to two groups
跟两组人都说了锻炼的重要性 and told both groups the importance of physical exercise.
她说 And she said,
"这是你们酒店搞的 "this is,you know,something brought to you by your hotel,
只是为了让你们知道锻炼有多重要" just to show you how important exercise is."
然后她测试了她们的各项生理指标 And then she tested them on all these physical measures,
包括身体脂肪 血液样本 whether it was body fat,blood sample-
她们血液中有多少脂肪 体重 how much fat they had in their blood,weight,
还有心理指标 沮丧 焦虑 诸如此类 psychological measures- depression,anxiety,and so on and so on.
而她所做的是 And what she did was...
对于其中一组 她测试完后就不管她们了 to the one group,she just left them after all these tests.
而另一组 The second group,
她对她们说--这就是干预手段 she said to them,and this was the intervention,
"你们所做的工作实际上就是种锻炼" "you know the work you are doing is actually physical exercise."
她计算了收床单所消耗的卡路里 And she calculated how much calories it takes to pick up sheets,
抖床单 然后铺在床上 to go like this and then to put it on a bed,
用吸尘器清洁要消耗多少卡路里 how much calories it takes to actually vacuum.
她估算了这所有工作 She estimated all those things
然后她给她们看了每天锻炼 and then she gave them the statistics of how many calories
所消耗的卡路里的数据 you should expend a day doing exercise.
然后她说"你们做的其实正是健身" And she says,"what you are doing is working out actually."
这是实验的干预 然后她两个月之后再回去 This was the intervention.And she went back 8 weeks later.
两个月后 她又进行了同样的测试 8 weeks later,she ran the exact same tests again.
她发现的有些结果 And some of the results that she found-
其中有些结果是预料之中的 有的则不是 some of them are in the article,others are not.
血压显著下降 Blood pressure decreased significantly.
血脂显著下降 The fat in the blood decreased significantly.
体重 两个月后 Body weight,after the 8 weeks,
实验组而非对照组 for the intervention group,not for the control group.
对照组期间完全没有变化 Control group: no change over that period!
体重显著下降 Body weight decreased significantly.
她们的自尊心上升 沮丧程度下降 Their self-esteem went up.Depression levels went down.
焦虑水平下降 精力水平上升 Anxiety levels went down.And energy levels went up.
所有都是这样 All,as a result.
此时她问"你们做了什么不同的事吗" Now,she asked,"did you do anything differently?
"或者你们比以前做了更多的锻炼吗" Or you are exercising more than you did before?"
对照组与实验组之间 No difference between the control group
不存在区别 and the intervention group.
唯一的区别在于观念 The only difference was perception.
她们可能工作得更努力了 我们不得而知 Now they may have worked harder.We don't know.
可能只是心理作用 我们不得而知 It may be just the mind over body.We don't know.
但事实是由于她们重新审视了 But the fact is because they reframed,
重建了她们自己的经历 they reconstructed their experience from a chore-
从"我每天必须清扫三十间房间" "I have to,you know,clean 30 rooms a day"
到"这是种锻炼 这对我有好处" to "this is an exercise; this is good for me".
这就是区别所在 That made all the difference.
既是生理上的也是心理上的 Physically as well as psychologically.
这是急剧转变的一个例子 Here is an example of acute change.
这就像一锤子砸下去的变化 This is the change that happens like a sledgehammer.
这就是"有了!"的经历 And this is the Eureka experience.
有很多关于"有了!"的经历的讨论 There's a lot of talk,a lot of research,
研究 以及对这个领域的兴趣 a lot of interest in this area of the Eureka experience,
灵光乍现的一刻 顿悟--如此珍贵 如此重要 the ah ha moment,the insight- so valuable,so important.
而对此也有许多误解 And there's much misunderstanding about it.
因为人们都觉得这种顿悟是突然产生的 但其实不是 Because people think we suddenly have this insight,not so.
这是有一整个过程的 There's a whole process involved.
而这个过程从潜移默化开始 And the process begins with immersion.
这是我们为顿悟准备的时候 是我们学习的时候 This is when we prepare for the insight.This is when we learn.
Howard Gardner做了许多研究 Howard Gardner has done a lot of work
关于全世界的成功人士 on extraordinary individuals throughout the world.
他发现一般来说 对于那些 And what he found is that generally for people
在某个领域成为专家 to become the experts in a field,
在某个领域具有创造力的人 to become Creative in a field,
他们都会下至少十年的苦功夫 they have to have invested at least ten years of very hard work.
这就是准备 This is the preparation.
这就是你将自己沉浸于那事物之中 This is when you immerse yourself in the material.
看看贝多芬的例子吧 Look for the example of Beethoven.
如果你们听过他的音乐 知道他的音乐轨迹 Those of you who listen to his music and know his trajectory:
第一和第二交响曲 莫扎特 和莫扎特非常相似 Symphony 1 and 2- Mozart.Sounds very similar to Mozart.
第三交响曲 英雄 就是贝多芬了 3rd Symphony,Eroica- it's Beethoven.
他使自己沉浸于当时的音乐 He immersed himself a great deal in the music of the day-
研究它 学习它 然后许多年之后 studied it and learned it.and then,after many years,
就能独创自己的风格 具有创造力 was able to become Beethoven and creative,
以及改变整个音乐领域 and transformed the whole field of music.
作为浪漫主义音乐第一人 Being the first of the Romantics.
第二个阶段 Second stage,
在准备好之后 这也需要下很多功夫 after we prepare- and it takes,again,a lot of hard work,
无论是比尔盖茨所做的准备 whether it's preparation that was done by Bill Gates
即便他是在翘课 还是比尔·克林顿 when he was skipping class or whether it's Bill Clinton.
在你成为某领域专家或具有创造力之前 A lot of preparation before you become an expert in the field
都要做大量的准备 and are able to introduce Creativity-
才会有顿悟的一刻 have that eureka,the insight.
第二个阶段 孵化 Second stage: incubation.
在所有具创造力的人身上都可见 And you see all the creative individuals:
在你将自己沉浸于事物中之后 你什么也不做 after you immerse yourself in an area,you do nothing.
你就是沉浸于其中 You just allow it to marinate.
比方说 并不是巧合 For example,there's no coincidence that
我们许多好点子都出现在洗澡的的时候 we get some of our best ideas in a shower.
阿基米德在泡澡时有了伟大的想法也不是巧合 It's no coincidence that Archimedes got his best idea in the bath
莫扎特曾经每天花好多个小时 在萨尔兹堡晃荡 Mozart used to spend hours a day,just driving around Salzburg
然后突然他就顿悟了 and then suddenly he would have the ah ha experience,the eureka.
他说"我突然能听到交响乐" He said,"I could hear the symphony in a second."
突然他听到了所有 In a second,he could hear just about everything.
这是莫扎特的故事 OK.So that's Mozart.
但你也听说过莎士比亚会花很多时间驾着马车 But you hear Shakespeare would spend hours driving around
到处晃荡 然后突然顿悟 in his carriage and suddenly would have the insight,
"故事就应该是这样的" "OK,this is what the story is about."
然后他就可以去写 孵化是非常非常重要的 And then he would go and write it.Incubation is so so important.
摩根说: J.P.Morgan:
"我可以用九个月内完成一年的工作 但不能用十二个月" "I can do a year's work in nine months,but not in twelve."
J.P.Morgan他知道 你们知道 J.P.Morgan understood,you know,
他可能是美国史上最成功的企业家 arguably be the greatest entrepreneur this country has ever seen,
他知道休息对于创造力的重要性 understood the importance for creativity of taking time off.
当今的商业精英 领导者们都休息得不够 Today,business people,leaders don't take enough time off.
因为我们觉得这是浪费时间 Because we think it's a waste of time.
我们认为如果只是坐着什么事也不干 We think that if we just sit there and do nothing,
我们就确实什么事也没干 we are really doing nothing.
但不是的 思想在工作 Well,no.The mind works.
思想在工作 并且思想需要这样 才能获得顿悟 The mind works and the mind needs it for the creative insight.
事实上 领导者 In fact,leaders-
你们中的很多人都会变成领导者 and many of you will go into leadership positions-
比任何人都需要休息 need time off more than anyone else.
因为他们需要创造力 Because they need to be creative.
他们需要思考公司的未来 They need to think about the next thing for the company,
机构的未来 for the organization.
适当休息是无价的 Taking time in- invaluable.
不只是对记忆力 对于创造力也是一样 Not just for memory,also for creativity.
我工作时做过一件事 One of the things I do when I work with,
作为顾问 就是 as a consultant in organizations is
我会安排一段没有日程安排的时间 I just take the management on a retreat with no agenda.
我们就出去玩 而时常 We are just going to hang out.And very often,
在短短半小时或一小时内 各种各样的点子就会冒出来 within as little as half an hour or an hour,ideas begin to come out.
为什么 因为他们第一次有时间思考 Why? Because as the first time,they have time,no coincidence
我们常常一觉醒来就想到解决办法 这并非巧合 that we often wake up with a solution to a problem we had.
因为潜意识正在活动 Because subconscious mind is making connections then.
Joseph Campbell说 Joseph Campbell:
"你必须有个私人空间 或者一天特定的时间段 "You must have a room,or a certain hour or so a day,
此时你不知道今早报纸上讲什么 when you don't know what was in the newspapers that morning,
不知道你的朋友是谁 you don't know who your friends are,
不知道欠了别人什么 you don't know what you owe anybody,
不知道别人欠你什么 you don't know what anybody owes you.
这才是你能够静下心体会 This is a place where you can simply experience
感觉到你是谁以及可能是谁的时候 and bring forth what you are and what you might be.
这才是创造力孵化的时候 This is the place of creative incubation.
一开始 你可能发现什么都没有发生 At first,you may find that nothing happens there.
但如果你有一个这样神圣的时刻 并且好好利用它 But if you have such a sacred place and use it,
奇迹终将会发生" 很经常 something eventually will happen." And very often,
就在这孵化的时间里 在这些休息时间里 it's during this incubation times,it's during these time-ins,
在这你有机会反思自己的时间里 during the time when you have the opportunity to reflect,
不管是写论文 whether it's on the response paper,
还是出去玩 听音乐 or just hang out and listen to music.
灵光乍现的时刻通常都出现在此时 That's very often when the ah ha moment comes.
顿悟的体会 再一次的"我听到了交响乐" The eureka experience.The one second "I see the symphony".
某种程度上来说 You know,in some way,
你可以对此进行一个类比 you can think about an analogy of how this happens.
你可以想想第一个阶段 You can think about stage one.
或者你可以当做性交流来想想 Or you can think about in a context of a sexual intercourse.
比如做爱 Of making love.
准备和孵化就好比前戏 Preparation and incubation can be the equivalent to foreplay.
顿悟的时刻就是高潮 The eureka experience- the orgasm.
这个过程中要理解的很重要的一点是 Now the important thing to understand about this process
你必须经过准备和 is you have to go through preparation,
孵化才能到达顿悟的时刻 incubation to get to the eureka experience.
换句话说 必须要有前戏 In other words,you need the foreplay.
男同学们 你们听见了吗 Did you hear that man?
必须有前戏才能进入下一步 You need the foreplay to get to the next level.
这很重要 这是创造力的过程的一部分 It's important.It's part of the creative process.
这意义重大 对于爱情来说意义重大 It's significant.It's very significant for love.
对于这个过程来说同样意义重大 It's significant also for this process.
而这之后 And then afterwards,
在你顿悟了之后 就是该进行评估的时候 after you've come up with the eureka,that's when you evaluate.
你要问自己"这是个好主意吗 会有用吗 You ask yourself,"is this a good idea? Does it work?
还是只是... 你知道的 女人..." Or is it just something that you know women and..."
很多主意 很多顿悟的体验 最终都没起作用 Most ideas,most eureka experiences actually end up not working.
因此评估非常重要 And therefore,evaluation is important.
这确实是好主意吗 Is this really a good piece?
这确实是个好故事吗 莎士比亚会这样问 Is this really a good idea for a story?- Shakespeare asked.
这确实可以作为哲学命题吗 笛卡尔 Is this really a good idea for a philosophical treatise?- Descartes
这个花大量时间自省的人会这样问 who spent a lot of time on his own reflecting.
这确实可以作为哲学命题吗 Is this a really good idea for a philosophical treatise?
这是个好的商业计划吗 这会是下一个Facebook吗 Is this a good business plan? Is this the next Facebook?
或者还是只是我... Or is this just something that I had,you know,
凌晨三点想到的 the idea that I had at 3 in the morning
有人已经做过或者根本不会成功的主意 and someone has already done it or it won't work?
评估非常重要 Evaluation is important.
世上有很多主意 但不是所有的都有用 There are many idea out there- not all of them work.
回到做爱的类比上 Or to go back to our analogy of making love.
有了第一个阶段 -前戏 So you have the first stage- the foreplay.
有了高潮 然后之后 You have the orgasm and afterwards,
就有了评估时要问的问题 here's the question that you may be asking when you evaluate it.
歌曲《你明天还会爱我吗》 The Shirelles合唱团 Song: Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow (Sung by The Shirelles):
这是持久的财富吗 Is this a lasting treasure
还是只是短暂的愉悦 Or just a moment of pleasure
我能相信你眼神的魔力吗 Can I believe the magic of your eyes
你明天还会爱我吗 Will you still love me tomorrow
现在就告诉我 我不会再问 亲爱的 So tell me now,and I won't ask again,darling
你明天还会爱我吗 Will you still love me tomorrow
你知道她们是谁吗 不是问家长们的 Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar:So do you know who they are? Not the parents.
同学们 你们认得出她们吗 The Shirelles The students,do you recognize them? The Shirelles.
The Shirelles合唱团 我最喜欢的组合 真的 The Shirelles.Actually my favorite group.Really.
我女儿的名字 你们有些人知道 就叫Shirelles My daughter's name,some of you know,is Shirelle.
我们想起一个 And we were looking for a name that
既在希伯来语里有 也在英语里有的名字 would make sense in Hebrew as well as in English.
我妻子就想到了Shirelle And my wife came up with the name Shirelle,
希伯来语的意思是"上帝之歌" which means in Hebrew "song of God"
还有个The Shirelle合唱团 and you have the The Shirelles.
所以我们发现这是 So it was just,when we found out,
这是最合适的名字了 that was just the perfect name.
你们知道我为什么这么喜欢她们吗 You know what I love so much about it?
你们可以看到那个范儿 舞蹈的姿势 You can see the navy tame the dance.
我喜欢那个时代 非常喜欢 I love that era! Just love it! Just love it.
总之 登录youtube 搜索The Shirelles Anyway,go in YouTube and sign and do the Shirelles,
你们就能看到她们的其他歌了 这就是评估 you'll see other songs by them.So this is when you evaluate.
马上就讲完了 这就是评估的时候 We are almost done.This is when you evaluate it.
这会是持久的吗 Is this something that will last?
是真实的吗 Is this something that is real?
绝妙的主意? 完美的关系? 比方说 A really good idea? A really good relationship? For example.
在那之后 After that,
这倒是没法和做爱类比 你得详细阐明 and this doesn't have a parallel to love-making- You elaborate.
详细阐明那些主意 You elaborate on the ideas.
你要写出来 把交响曲写出来 So you write out,you write out the symphony.
你这时要把那个命题写出来 This is when you write out the treatise.
你这时要制订出来商业计划 This is when you make the business plan.
我教这堂课 就经历了这整个过程 When I put together this course,I went through this process.
从准备开始 so I started off by preparing.
即便我之前做了充足的准备 So even though I had very good preparation before,
我学过两遍基本知识 you know I studied for the generals twice,
和Philip Stone教授一起教学 teaching with Professor Philip Stone as...
我是他的助教 两次 助教 I was his TA,twice.TF.
即便我学了很多年社会心理学... Even though I studied social psychology for many years and...
我会抽出点时间 I took time off,
将我自己沉浸于积极心理学的材料中 where I immersed myself in positive psychology material.
我读了积极心理学手册 I read the handbook of positive psychology
这是个非常好的武器 which is a very good weapon to use.
如果有人接近 你可以用这个砸他 If anyone comes close,you can just throw at them.
大概有这么厚 但是是很不错的书 It's about this big.But very good.
我读了成百上千的学术文献 I read hundreds of academic journal articles.
然后我就抽出点时间 And then I took time off.
在那段时间 我谈论积极心理学 And during that time off,I talked about positive psychology,
但我不对此下太多功夫 but I didn't work in positive psychology.
我和我妻子聊 和Phil Stone聊 I had conversation with my wife,with Phil Stone,
和我哥哥聊 with my brother about this.
正是这时灵光一现 正是这时我顿悟了 And that's when the eurekas came.That's when the insights came.
我说"这门课就应该是这样组织的 I said,"OK so this is how the course is going to be built.
这就是那根螺旋" 然后我想到了PPEO This is the spiral." Then I had the idea of PPEO,
"峰值后体验" 这样的灵光一现 Post Peak Experience Order,as an idea,an ah ha moment.
之后我就对其进行评估 我评估自身 And afterwards,I evaluated it.I evaluated myself.
我通过和他人交流来评估 看看 I evaluated by talking to other people about it to see
它是不是真的有用 然后我坐下来 if it works and then I sat down
花很多很多的时间把课的内容写出来 and spent hours and hours and hours,writing out the lectures.
每堂课都写了出来 显然我没有照本宣科 All my lectures are written out.Obviously I don't read them.
但在准备时 But in preparation,
在我准备上课时 我确实会看几遍 when I prepare for the lectures,I do read them a few times.
那就是详细阐明 That was the elaboration.
这就是创造的过程 That is the creative process,
不管是准备一门课 whether it's putting together a class,
或者运作一个机构 or putting together a great organization,
写本好书 或者发展一段良好的关系 of writing a great book or creating a great relationship.
下周见 周末愉快 I'll see you next week.Have a wonderful weekend.