我来问各位一个问题 Well, let me ask you this
你们认为父母教养孩子的方式有哪些呢？ What do you think that in terms of styles of parenting?
谁决定了教养孩子的方式？ Who determines the style of parenting?
是家长吗？ Is it parents?
显然这是没有错的 That is an obvious answer
家长教育孩子 限制他们的行为 Parents are the ones who are doing this controlling over kids
但某种程度上 But to what extent
孩子也对教养方式有一定的影响 you kids may be influencing the style of parenting that they receive
但整体而言 是家长的失责 Towards at all, parents fault
不是失责 准确而说是由他们导向的 not fault but it is all the parents-directed
有些孩子确实比其他孩子更难控制 You know certainly some kids are more handful than other kids are
孩子们惹麻烦的程度 and there are biological differences
也存在一定的生理差异 between how kind of much kids get into things
小儿多动症就是很好的说明 and ADHD is a good example of that
确实是有基因和生理影响的 It does seem to have some genetic or biological roots
这对家长提出了更多的要求和挑战 And that basically is more challenging for parents
而不是大多数家长都能处理得了的了 Not a challenge that most parents can handle
在不同的压力下 but still, you know, in terms of stress levels
以及无法坚持某件事 灰心的速度 and how quickly you're kind of get frustrated with things
家长可能要不断制止孩子碰饼干盒 And just like you explain every time when he touch the cookie jar
或者教孩子们在位子上坐正 you know or whatever, sit up out of their seat
为什么这样不对呢？ you know why that is not right?
某些程度上而言是不合理的 Well, that is just unreasonable in some levels
最后会导致专制型家长的出现 So, it does maybe lead towards more authoritarian parenting
当然 也会有溺爱型家长的出现 But potentially also more permissive at times
就像我说过的(听不清) like I was saying this, I think I was saying
如果面对情绪失常的孩子 When you work with emotionally disturbed kids
会带来一系列的问题 which have all sorts of problems
你必须学会应对这种情况 You kind of learn to pick your battles a little bit
因此你会对有的孩子放任自然 So maybe you do let something to slide
却对另一个孩子严加管教 that wouldn't let to slide with another kid
甚至没有这么多人的时候 With not so many kind, such an active
你总是要关注一个孩子的行为 and always need-your-attention kind of a kid
你会控制他们的交友范围 You don't let them get away with hurdy kids or anything like that
但对教导他们养成良好的坐姿这类小事 but in terms of sitting still on their seat and things like that
反而会有所忽略 maybe you don't get on them as much of a that kind of thing
这往往也是孩子反叛的导火索 And that is one of the things that the conduct disorder
稍后可能会提到这点 我不太记得了 I don't know if we are going to talk about that
还有一种心理反叛 but that is a psychological disorder that kind of describes
以孩子进入高中之后惹麻烦为主 the kids that are going to get serious trouble in high school
最开始是滋事打架 Start to get into fights
然后升级为偷窃纵火这些犯罪 then into delinquent type acts, stealing, fire setting
诸如此类 things like that
通常这些孩子的家长都比较专制 and often the parenting style is like authoritarian
但家长的专制与溺爱并不是绝对的 and it is kind of authoritarian and permissive at the same time
家长们总想设立一系列规则 The parents try to set all these kind of rules
但孩子们总做些让人生气的事情 but the kids because we make making temperamental contributions
无时无刻不在考验家长的耐性 just pushing things all the time
最后家长只好破罐子破摔 and parents end up giving up
你爱怎样就怎样吧 我不管了 Being like alright, whatever
有一种有趣的循环现象 There is a thing called corrosive cycle
例如孩子喜欢把玩具狠狠的摔在地上 where the kid might be like, banging a toy on the floor
家长会简单的制止 and parents say stop that
结果孩子反而把玩具摔得更重 then the kid start to bang it louder
你可以采取激烈的暗示手段 Then you might have temperamental cue
来缓解这一问题 to push his buttons a little bit more
多动的孩子摔玩具的时候 There is more active type of kid, starts banging it louder
家长可以尝试把手抬高点儿 parents can raise your hand a little bit
比孩子更用力的摔玩具 get the even yet louder
这时孩子会和你较量 and then the kid pushes the button again
最终会放弃这种做法 and the kid kind of gives up
对孩子而言 这是一种放纵 So to kids it seems permissive
但事实上家长因此更好的控制了孩子的行为 but that parent was actually pretty authoritarian
通过巧妙设立界限 in the sense of setting up a lot of limits
让孩子知难而退 so the kid eventually gives up
出于很多因素的考虑 So, it is a combination
如果你们还记得我在附件里讲的内容 if you if you review the attachment we've talked about
我给你们讲过一个van den Boom研究 I've showed you that van den Boom study
表明孩子们很容易成为家长发火的对象 It shows that definitely that kids at risk for difficult temperament
如果家长也不能得以解压 if they didn't get, the parents didn't get treatment
他们的生活就会变得相当没有安全感 They were likely to become insecurely attached
不过通过一位心理专家在前9个月提供的帮助 But that with the help from a psychologist during first 9 months
安全感的建立和联系 significant increase
有了显著的增加 could be seen at how much secure attachment there was
我认为家长和孩子之间的互动是种很好的类比 I think that is a good analogy, for this parent-kid thing
也就是说 虽然孩子们常常惹祸 which is that, you know yes certain kids more likely to push buttons
但这些都和家长的管教息息相关 but it ultimately rests on parents' controlling
特别是我之前提到过的 Especially like I think I mentioned before that
每个孩子或多或少都会惹祸 有的还很严重 you know every kid's going to push button
但这是有原因的 Terrible too, they're called that for reason
他们为什么会沉浸在这些事里呢 which is they like get into these stuff
这取决于家长对孩子的限制有多少 And so it is up to parents to set limits on the kid
每个孩子 哪怕很乖的孩子 and every kid even a really nice kid
2-3岁的孩子也会不断摸索 Or 2-3 years old is going to find out
家长给自己设定的规则和界限 what are the rules, what are the boundaries
要弄清楚父母设立限制之后 that how far I can get outside from what I am supposed to be doing
自己能偏离轨道多远 When do mom and dad will set the limits on me
家长情绪的(听不清) The parents need to (INAUDIBLE) that frustration
就是孩子试探的界限 that actually comes with that toddler is pushing its limits
好了 Alright
听起来家长好像是孤立的群体 so we have been talking about parents like they are in isolation
他们的教养方式是主观决定的 and their parenting style like they have a control over it
但这些年教养方式也在不断改变 But there have been changes with parenting
不过事实上不单是教养方式的改变 but actually before that, there is now not just changes in parenting
基于你所处的社会环境的改变 but depending on the society that you live in
你的教养方式也会有一定改变 your style of parenting might be a little bit different
这样的研究很多 我就讲一个好了 And different studies like one study
不过在这之前 well before I say that
我想先讲讲日新月异的家长培训项目 It used to be, there are like parent training programs out there
帮助那些孩子问题比较大的家长 so it's kind of externalizing problems
他们会得到相应的指导和帮助 they might get referred and back in the day
这个家长培训项目非常受欢迎 it was still popular, the parent training program
家长们学会着眼孩子们的正确行为 so you start with kind of helping the parent catch kids being good
对孩子的积极行为进行嘉奖 Like rewarding positive behaviors in the kid
亦或是取消惩戒 maybe moving the discipline
给他们一定的休闲和放松机会 Setting...giving timeouts
也要给他们一定的纪律规定 setting discipline
与孩子达成一项双方都可接受的协议 Putting a fitting contract at home
这听起来像心理学的方法 Well that was like in the world of psychology
80年代会很流行 现在依然如此 like in 80's was be very popular or still popular
因此家长培训项目才会走红 So these kind of parent training programs developed
在七八十年代的时候 then in like 70's or 80's
整个家庭系统理论领域得以发展 there is this whole field of family system theory that developed
通过这种家庭心理治疗 in the style of doing therapy, like family therapy
家长和孩子不再相互孤立 not just parents in isolation or kids in isolation
但仔细看看 家庭系统理论怎么了呢 But looking at what in the system is going on
比如说 so for example
家长确实变得更温馨体贴 and yes it comes down to like parents being warm
也更能掌控孩子的行为 and controlling over kid's behaviors
但是仍然有很多因素影响 but there are a lot of things that are affecting
孩子及家长们在这些能力上的加强 Kid and parents' ability to do that
例如父母之间的关系如何 Such as what is the relationship between Mom and Dad?
祖父母对母亲的额外关心和支持 or what is the extra support that mom has from grandparents
或者他们的家长对家庭系统的影响 or their parents that affect the family system
家庭心理疗法是有作用的 So kind of a family therapy that makes sense
着眼于整个家庭的全局 looking at the whole thing to figure out
不仅是我们想要的某种特定教育行为 not just sort of a specific parenting behavior we want
也包括家人之间要建立怎样的情感联系 but what are those emotional ties with which the family is set up
以便使这一方法奏效 to make this parenting behavior work
有些很好的心理治疗需要立刻改变 So that is going to change, and some of the best therapies right now
特别是对家庭系统中的青少年而言 especially for adolescent are kind of based on this family system
可能需要最有效的治疗方法 from what we see as the most effective therapies
就像我提到过的 As I said too
这在不同的社会环境下各有差异 there are differences based on societies
例如一项对无文字社会的研究 so for example in one study at pre-literate societies
从人类学家的角度来看 It was an anthropologist look at this
以及从心理学家角度来看 as well as psychologist
将狩猎采集型社会 but looking at like more hunter-gatherer societies
和农业社会进行对比 versus agricultural societies
再回到无文字社会 部落的规模更小 Like preliterate again, so the smaller kind of tribes
整体上而言 we found that in general
在狩猎采集型社会中 the guess is in hunter-gatherer societies
男人们外出打猎 寻食 where boys will go out and hunt, you know, hunt and bring food
和牧农务农的 Versus ones that are based on pastoral societies
田园式的社会相比 like farming, agriculture
猜一猜在这两种社会中 any guesses on which type of parenting might be more prevalent
哪一类教养方式更受欢迎呢？ in these two types of societies?
没错 人们会依照 Well if you think about what the goals are
最终的目的来决定 and this is true the people think about this question for
甚至在美国本土 even in America
各异的亚文化模式中 In different subcultures in America
郊区与市内的教育方式都不同 Inner city versus rural
答案就是 the answer is that
在郊区 游牧社会或是农业社会中 There's kind of more authoritarian parenting
专制型家长更多 in rural world or pastoral society, agricultural societies
社会环境偏向公共性和群体性 Which tend to be more communal as well
他们和家人住在一起 meaning the family kind of lives together
每个人都参与家庭事务 everybody pitches in
相反在狩猎采集社会中人们外出 Whereas the hunter-gatherer, you know the people are going out
特别是男人外出觅食 the men in particular are going out to get food
社会环境反而更为独立 and there is more of an independence in those kind of societies
研究学者们正想解释这一点 And that is how people are trying to explain this
教养方式究竟存在多大的差异在于 how difference in parenting is that
如果你想培养孩子的独立性 well if you want to promote independence
需要给他们的更多的自由 maybe permissiveness
少一点专权 少一点管束 or less authoritarianism, less kind of control of kids
就能达到效果 is a good way to do that
事实上 在美国国内的类比中 And in fact, I mean an analogy is that in America
在收入较低的城市中 in kind of lower income city neighborhoods
基本上无论种族如何 Naturally whether is cross-ethnic lines
家长的教养方式都更为专权 you see more authoritarian parenting
那些社会环境中的教养方法都是有据可循的 No nonsense parenting in those societies
不仅存在着一定的风险 where there is a greater risk of danger
还有些别的问题 but not just the greater risk of danger
以工作为例 if you think about the jobs
这些低收入社区的人群十分渴望 That people are in lower income communities are striving for
当然也不一定是当CEO you know it might not necessarily to be a CEO
但的确是存在差异的 but of course there are a lot of differences
但是能够成为CEO的人 but the CEO's are ones
通常都具有创造性思维和独立思考的能力 that need to be the creative, independent thinking types
如果你在现实生活中的目标 But if you have realistic life goals to be kind of
仅仅是做一个随波逐流的人 somebody just following somebody else's directions
这对你偏好的教养方式 that might mean something
也有一定的影响 for type of a parenting styles that you tend to use
你会教孩子少质疑 多听话 So, teaching somebody to kind of follow directions without questioning
一步一步来 it is more adapted in the steps
这是人们解决差异的一种方式 At least that is how people interpreted part of differences
另外 在这些环境下 plus additionally they kind of the whole kind of like the safety facts
会面对很多安全问题 being in these neighborhoods
带着这些概念 Along these lines
我将为你们展示一个视频 let me show you a video
来看看下面三位母亲是怎么教育子女的 three moms talking about their parenting
仔细听 找找其中的区别 Pay attention to this and listen for differences
这三位母亲 Now these aren't going to map on
不是专制型 溺爱型或权威型的 the authoritarian or permissive or authoritative so well
但他们来自不同的种族 but it is going to be three moms with different ethnicities
看看你们能否从她们的言行中 See if you can pay attention to just one general difference
找到她们之间最大的区别 between what they say and handle that
或者看看她们的做法是否存在种族差异 if they might map onto ethnic differences between them
艾尔玛:我不希望我的孩子们能够 Alma: I want my kids to be able to you know
和家里其他的人和睦相处 get along with the rest of the family
我希望以我父母养育我的方法 I want my kids to be raised as like I said you know
来养育我的孩子 I am not raising my kids the same way as my parents raised me
我也会尝试和他们做朋友 I try to be their friend also
我希望我的女儿们在成年的时候 So I would like my daughters to be independent
能够独立自主 when that time comes also
这对她们百利而无一害 Because that only does good for them
她们必须融入社会 They need to be able to go out there
学会自立 and learn how to do it by themselves
学会解决自己的问题 and learn how to solve their own problems
并勇于承担后果 and face the consequences
作为母亲或者家长 You know I think my job as a mother or as a parent
需要告诉他们如何明辨是非 is to teach them the good, bad
教育孩子还有很多其他的方法 and the other choices that there are to raise a kid
等他们成年之后 And when they turn 18
他们对于我们来说仍然是孩子 they still are kids
且可以住在这所房子里 they still can live in this house
如果他们愿意 他们也可以一直住下去 and they can live in this house as long as they want to
这样就不用在外面付租金 they don' t have to pay rent
我们不会让他们租房子的 Because we won't make them pay rent
只要他们需要 我们就会给予支持 You know, we are there until they want to be
如果他们结婚之后想搬出去 They get married, they want to, want to take their ways
我们也不阻挠 they are welcome too, you know
我们也愿意孙辈们和我们住一起 we accept, you know, to have grandchildren
哪怕房子人满为患都没有关系 and you know hey we will have a full house that is okay
只要我们相互爱护 相互帮助就行 But we all love each other and we help each other
安琪拉:作为母亲我最大的成就 Angela: The thing I want to accomplish as a mother
就是让我的孩子 is to teach my child that
明白友好和智慧这两件生命中最重要的事 the two most important things in life are to be nice and to be smart
你教给孩子的东西越简单 If you keep what you teach your child really simple
他们反而越能适应不同的挑战 they can adapt to it in thousand different circumstances
作为家长我的职责就是教孩子独立 I see my role as a parent to teach my child to be independent
自己的事情自己做 to be able to do it for herself
从基本的烹饪到零用钱管理 Basic skills of cooking, all the way to managing her money
凯瑟琳:无论如何 Catherine: Strive to have unconditional love
都要为孩子付出无条件的爱 for your child no matter what
既要尊重他们的个体性 To respect them as an individual
但也要给他们一定的指引 but, give them the guidance
对孩子而言这是一种控制 的确如此 which a lot of times for a child is like control and it is
这很必要 因为父母更有智慧 It is necessary because you have more wisdom
我愿意做他的好朋友 I realized that I would like to be his best friend
但有时候我们必须弄清彼此的界线 but there are sometimes where we can't be best friends
如果他不喜欢我设立的 When I have to set a guideline
那些限制和管束 or set some parameters that he doesn't like
例如宵禁 Like curfew
哪怕他已经17岁半了 when school's in even at seventeen and a half
他也需要在一定的时限里回家 I think he needs to be in every night at a reasonable hour
哪怕他半年后就能 Even though he can vote in six months
以成人的身份参与选举 As an adult he is joke to be a senior
他们会叛逆反抗 and they push back
他们讨厌这种限制 they don't like that limitation
但这也是我们不能达成一致的少有的事情之一 but that is just one other thing we have to disagree about
老师:你们最喜欢这三位母亲中的哪一位 Teacher: So which of these moms do you guys like the best. Which is?
虽然她们每人只出镜一分钟左右 Of course we got like a minute of each
学生: 我喜欢(听不清) Student: I like the (INAUDIBLE)
老师: 好 她说的什么打动了你呢 Teacher:Okay what did you like about what she had to say
学生: 我佩服他们教育孩子的能力 Student: I like their capability taking their kids
能够接受孙子们(听不清) and be okay with accepting the grandchildren (INAUDIBLE)
老师: 好的 还有其他观点么 请说 Teacher: Okay, other thoughts? yeah
学生:后两位母亲是不是都只有一个孩子 Student: For both of the last two mothers, do they just have one child
老师:我也不知道他们有几个孩子 Teacher:I don't know how many children
学生:不过听起来是这样 Student: Because I mean it sounded like this
第二位母亲有一个小女儿 the second mother just had a little girl
第三位母亲的孩子已经十几岁了 and the last mother had a teenager
我认为有孩子的数量 I think that
会对家长的教养方式有很大的影响 makes a big difference
我来自一个庞大的家庭 because I come from a big family
我认为自己和身边的独生子女 I think that I was raised differently
所接受的教养方式完全不一样 Compared to my friends who were only children
老师:你能更具体的说说么 Teacher: And can you say more
还有其他同学能补充这些不同么 can somebody help her what would be some of those differences
学生:我的父母就不会 Student: Well I don't think my parents ever tried to
成为我的朋友 explicitly to be my friend
但他们会通过女生节这样的活动来增进感情 but they did stuck with this like they have maybe on a girls' day
妈妈会带我们出去玩 my mom will take us out and things like that
但他们不会 我太了解我的父母了 but they never... I mean I always knew that my parents
他们将自己说的话 my parents are like, whatever they said that was their rules
变成家里的规章制度 and that was their way
因为有四个孩子 他们有时必须严厉一点 because there is four of us they had to be strict sometimes
老师:你说 Teacher: Yes
学生:我也讲讲独生子女和多个子女的区别 Student: Also like with only child versus multiple child
如果你只有一个孩子 Think about having one kid
你会将全部心血放在他身上 you put all your attention focused on him
要么是严格监督他们的功课 or rather it is like pushing him constantly to do better in school
要么是过分骄纵他们 or to treat or to you know spoil them
因为只有这一个孩子 or be more lenient with them
所以对他们更仁慈 because there is just the one
以我的5岁的弟弟为例吧 Where as like my little brother without my little sister
在小妹妹出生之前 他是非常娇惯的 he was 5 and he was pretty spoiled until we got my little sister
因为他比我小10岁 Just because he is ten younger than me
那时他有三个家长 而不是两个 so it was almost like he had 3 parents rather than 2 parents
我们全部的精力都摆在他身上 and we all focused on him
小妹妹出生之后才有人和他共享这些宠溺 then we got my little sister so someone else with whom he had to share
我们也不会总盯着他了 and we didn't focus on him all the time
我们(听不清) We just did (INAUDIBLE)
老师:通过你们所讲的这些内容 Teacher: And you can see that
事实上不难发现 actually in this, related to what you guys were saying
不仅是我们家庭的规模 family size, not just individual family size
整个社区的规模也会教养方式有所影响 but in terms of how the community is set up
家庭成员全部住在一起 The extended family live together
他们之间的紧密程度也有影响 and how much, how often are they in contact with each other
这个例子就体现了这一点 tends to lead this example
她说她会做一个不同于自己父母的家长 She was saying that she wants to be different than her parents were
从她所说的内容中 我们可以了解大家庭 But you can also see her talking about you know big family
以及那些和家人长久住在一起的家庭的情况 and the family can stay with them as long as they want you know
或者住在一间房里之类 in terms of trying to live in the room whatever
但整体而言 But in general the idea is that
大家庭的成员更具有群体性 families that are more communal, like larger or extended families
相互的联系也更紧密 where there is going to be more contact
家长也就更专制一些 Tend to be a little bit more authoritarian
他们没有耐性将某个教条解释多次 because there is no time to explain the rules everytime
在大型社会团体中 and that is to learn and live together
一起学习和生活都会遇到这种情况 in a larger social group like that
你不得不这样 You just have to
你向成人学习和聆听的时间少得多 there is less time you have to kind of learn and listen to adults
你要相信他们的做法对你都是有益的 and can trust that they are doing what is best for you
这既存在于种族差异中 That is kind of an ethnic difference
也存在于家庭规模差异中 also kind of family size difference
你们还从这几位母亲身上发现了哪些事情呢？ What else did you see or notice about the moms
有关教养方式的 或者其他区别 Other things about parenting, other differences
还有吗？ What others...
请说 Yeah
学生:第二位母亲说 Student: The second one said
她需要教给自己的女儿友善和智慧 I should want my daughter to be nice and smart that's it
我不知道她是否爱孩子 I don't care if she is loving
第一位母亲就很关心孩子 you know like first mom was caring
我有五个兄弟姐妹 I have five siblings
家庭成员之间应相互爱护 so I get that the everyone in the family has to love everyone else
老师: 相互合作 是吗 Teacher: Be cooperative. Yeah
学生: 是的 还有她 Student: Yeah, I mean. and she was
她这么说 并不是因为她害怕 She wasn't saying because she was scary
而是她想给人留一个好印象 she saying kind of like she was trying to make herself look nicer
无论如何她也是(听不清) than what she was in anyway
老师: 没错 好 Teacher: Right. Right
有趣的是 Well, It is also interesting that
她很可能说的都是事实 she might be some kind of...is she being completely honest?
但她是否如她所想的那样做了 but whether she chooses when she thinks
她在镜头前给人留下深刻印象 she is impressing to the camera
她选择说什么 what she choose to say
她说 She said like...
她列出了两点 She's listed two things
第三点是什么 有人记得吗 What was the third thing she said? Clear
学生:独立 Student: Independent
老师:是的 独立 Teacher: Independent Yes
这和我提到的经济文化差异 And again this is kind of related to my point about
有一定的联系 economic and cultural differences
还包括家长的目标 in terms of well what is the goal for parent
想拥有怎样的孩子 what kind of kid do you wanna have
会有越来越多的人鼓励孩子独立 It is going to be more kind of to encourage independence in kids
权威型的教养方式会变成更好的教养方法 It is going to be autoritative, it is going to be best approach
孩子会反感专制型的教养方法 But that authoritarian approach he probably stay away from that
反而有点偏爱溺爱型的方式 and be slightly more permissive
专制型的家长总是对孩子(听不清) In authorotarian they have kids there are off (INAUDIBLE)
我最赞同第三位母亲的做法 I like the third mom the best
虽然她只讲了短短的一分钟 I mean we only got a minute of it here
她那种严厉的爱 but she has got the tought love down
她听起来是那么的... she is really you know sounds like...
我不知道她有一个难管的孩子 I don't know if she has a handfull
但很显然她和孩子有冲突 But she you know, she was obviously had some conflicts with kid
但她仍然深爱自己的孩子 but she is obviously very warm and loving mom
而且她绝对拥有一定的控制权 and she is completely in control of the situation